disoriented
standing in the shadow
of what yesterday
was a great brightness
in my life
so sure the brightness was forever
that I’m confused now
by the feeling
that shadow is all
there is left
how could this be?
yesterday I knew the sun
it was so present in my life
that I was sure
I could never be unsure again
so happy that I just knew
there could never be
sorrow again
worst of all
ashamed
feeling like a bad child
cast from heaven
by some deed I did in my unknowing
I search for my badness
so that I may expunge it
so I might feel the grace of sunlight on
my face again
shame robbing me of the
true gift
often I have been gripped
by the terrifying fist
of a sadness so complete
it shut out the sun entirely
like an eclipse
I had landed
on the other side
of myself
a stranger to me
. . .
this sadness has come and gone
since childhood and so
ever a student of nature
here is what I learned:
there is nothing wrong with me. nothing.
in fact, my sadness
is the result of something right
I am not just body but also spirit
and so it is true in reverse
I am not just spirit but body
and my body has the same salt
in its cells as the ocean does
and is under the same influence
as all living things
the physics of being an organic being
on earth mean I cannot escape
the natural rhythm and order of things
by praying it away
and shame only locks me out
of my experiencing the gift
paralyzing me with fear instead
of reaping the benefits of the cycle
sometimes the tide is just out
but it always comes back in
sometimes hibernation is required
to build and prepare for a new season of awakening
sometimes there is devastation
fire burns it all down cleansing allowing rebirth
there is a wisdom in death
and we experience a shedding of our skin
many many times in life
and in fact the more committed
we are to living
the more deaths we experience
along the way
loss of friends who no longer feel like
who we have become over time
loss of self, even
loss of “girl” as we redefine
ourselves as woman and mother
loss of fertility as we redefine ourselves
as matriarch and goddess
wisdom keepers and doers
free of small children and able
to focus on self after so long
. . .
loss of boy as eros consumes
loss of eros as husband emerges
death of child ego as manhood
must take root
redefined by the need to no longer
be the center of the family
but the supporter of wife and child
rediscovery and redefinition of self
as husband and father die within giving way
so that
the next phase where self must be
attended by self and self alone
may come fully into realization
when elderly
and so many deaths in between
as we re-create who and how we want to be in the world
I have learned to treasure the
eclipse of my soul
to let myself explore fully the infinite
ache the sorrow when it washes over me
for to resist is to miss it
and to miss it is to not fully grasp
what is next in my life because I
struggle so hard to keep what was
and this is truly painful
hanging on is much more painful
than listening in the darkness
for my future calling to me
let all else fade away for a few moments
spend some time with sorrow
see what it is asking for
there is a deep wisdom in you
tapping yourself on the shoulder
asking for some attention
it asks quietly at first, but if ignored
it will demand you listen
by creating so much discord you must
finally pay attention
it will not be denied
for to deny it is to
be buried alive
inside your own flesh
as your inner life and outer life
become so out of sync
drastic changes must be made
to rectify them
make them!
live!
give yourself permission!
write so you may see
the snakeskin of your soul
as it sheds
read the scales so you may see
who you have been
and honor it
then get excited
even in this time of mourning
for something new your way comes
nothing is wrong with you
you are alive and living and growing
if we are truly pushing ourselves to learn
we are reborn
many times in one life
have the courage
right now
to sit in your sorrow
in your silence and know
something is right with you
your body is working beautifully
it is experiencing a longing
from your soul
and making room for something new
in your life
it is emptying its self out
getting rid of what no longer serves
tune your ear to what is next
trust your body to do its work
nature knows its job
trust it knowing soon
you will be full again
(never doubt this—it’s a mathematical certainty—the
only mystery is the quality you will be filled with, which will
be determined by the quality and creativity and the thoroughness
of your grieving)
turn your ear toward it
so you may calibrate
to the level to which you want to rise
bring your consciousness
to the moment
don’t numb out
don’t escape
don’t rob yourself of the gift
so that you may better choose and guide
and inform what should be next for you
get to know the exact nature
of your discontent
for only in becoming intimate
with what we lack
may we know what to replace it with
be vulnerable enough
to want without knowing if you will receive it
dare this much
engage your creativity
let your mind daydream about
how you wish it to be
imagine the face of what is unborn
and have the courage to name it
don’t rush
for you are pregnant with yourself
a new you
and it has its own gestation period
because you cannot
force nature
only nurture it