Diagnosis Schizophrenia

JOSEPH

JOSEPH: I’m not ashamed of my illness. Everybody has problems in life. Some people seek help and others don’t. In my case, I was eighteen when I discovered my illness. I had a lot of problems at home. My father left. There wasn’t a lot of income, and it put a lot of pressure on my shoulders. Then out of nowhere, symptoms started creeping up on me. I believed that I was being followed by the FBI. My phones were being tapped, video cameras were set up in my house, and I couldn’t even trust my friends or my family. When my mom was on the phone I really believed that she was talking about me to the FBI. When this happened, at first I thought maybe I was just being paranoid, but as the days went on and the symptoms didn’t go away I realized that I needed help. That is when I checked myself into the hospital. But at first I thought the hospital was a detention center for the FBI. And even when I first came in, things didn’t get any better; they actually got worse. I was thrown into a new environment that I had never been in before, which was very scary. At that point in time I started to become suicidal. I didn’t think life was worth living. I thought that being dead was the right answer. So about two days after being in the hospital I made an attempt at my own life, which, thank God, did not succeed. From that point on it still didn’t get any better, but at least I had back the will to live. The will to live came back partly through speaking with other patients. When I spoke with people at the time they told me way more frightening stories than I’d ever experienced. One man told me he was raped by a relative when he was eight years old and went on to tell me other unimaginable things. That was when I realized that my life wasn’t too bad. From that point on I started to regain my consciousness. I started to become myself again, laugh again, enjoy my family’s company; to actually enjoy life and have fun. Even when I left the hospital, there was still a lot of work to be done. I still needed continuous care. At first I tried to revolt and told myself, “I am fine now, everything is okay. I don’t need a doctor. I don’t need a therapist.” It took me almost a year to realize that my illness was nothing to be ashamed of and, in some way, shape, or form, I had to cope and deal with it. Which I did, thanks to the doctors and therapists.

Now, four years later, I have turned my life completely around. I’ve learned to deal with my illness and go on with my everyday life. Not as a psychotic person who has problems and can’t be in reality. I am just like everybody else, what society would consider a normal person. I am now attending college, getting good grades, holding a steady relationship with a very nice girl, and I look forward to completing my education, and, furthermore, becoming an accountant. I have daily structure now, something to live for.

ABBY: Now I’m up to the point where I’ve tried the shock treatment. I’m trying to get help because my emotions are being controlled and my thoughts are being controlled. Sometimes it even feels like my movements are being controlled. It bothers me that the symptoms bother me. I just want to get better.

ALEXANDRA: I’m doing much better since I’ve been out of the hospital for four years. I’m happy that I’m out, that I can get to places I want to go to. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m happy to go out, do what I have to do, take care of the house, and take care of my grandmother. And I’m happy that I can be there for my family.

ALEXIS: First I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Then two years later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. They gave me lithium for the first time, and it was working very well. With the lithium I was able to go back to college, taking a smaller workload at first and then working up to four classes, and then graduating college. I thought I would never do it, but I did. Out of college I immediately started to work as an assistant teacher for a year, and then I went to the board of education as a teacher. That job was a lot of stress. During the three months that I worked there I was aware of symptoms—not eating and not sleeping. I immediately brought myself into the emergency room and the doctor gave me sleeping pills. I realized my health was more important and I quit that job. I was devastated, but I went back to being an assistant teacher. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was what I had to do. And then with therapy I gained back my confidence. I went back and got a new teaching job with a lot of stress, but I’m able to handle it—but only with the medicine. I’m definitely leading a wonderful life. I got engaged a month ago, and we are getting married this year.

AMBER: Right now I am looking for a job and I am trying to get on with my life. I haven’t had any symptoms for two years. Life is great. I like hanging out with my family and friends. I try to take better care of myself, like I eat healthier now. After this incident I realized that the most important things in life are your friends and family, because they are the ones who supported me throughout this whole incident. I think things happen for a reason; at the time I was under a lot of stress, and I look back on it and think that maybe at the time I wasn’t ready to be working at a job. I was very nervous at the workplace. My confidence was very low. Now I am very confident that I can perform well at a job. When I look back, I think maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that this happened to me. Maybe it happened for a reason.

AUDREY: Every year I go through severe depression in the fall. I have been hospitalized every fall since, but I find with each bout of depression I come out on the other end stronger and find that I have a great will to survive. I feel that my illness has enabled me to learn many things about myself. Also, I feel that it made me mature more quickly. If I had a choice to not have this illness I would decline. It is part of who I am, and for all the pain it’s put me through, I have found it valuable in finding a greater depth in life. My accomplishments outweigh the setbacks my illness has caused me. I have confidence that I will have a successful and full life.

BEAUX: This illness changed me. It helped me to appreciate life and people around me. Everything came out positive. At my job I feel like I put in 110 percent. I try not to judge people. While I was in the hospital my relationship with my fiancée was on hold, but now we are together.

BEN: I’m still improving. It’s a never-ending process. Every single day you learn. Every single day you improve. Right now I’m going to school. I’m going to college. Last summer I was a camp counselor. I also tried real estate for a short while. I worked in stores as a salesperson. They all turned out well. I left on my own for the next job. I made mistakes. Next year I’m going to be in charge of thirty people in my job. Basically, I’m getting my college degree and I’m looking forward to many things in the rest of my life. I think I’m going to do all of them. In the future, when I have a car, I hope to start dating. Life is for me to create now. I feel great. If you work hard, then trust me, it will work out.

BETH: Once you get used to taking the medication and you become stable, you pretty much live like everybody else. You have the potential to do whatever you want to do. I’m working as a physical therapist, which is what I wanted to do before I got sick. I’m dating somebody. I have my own apartment. I’m happy.

BUCK: My life is still rough. I’m not able to function as I did before I got sick. Before I could handle pressures of working or going to school, but now it’s harder. Sometimes I feel hopeless, but I still have hope. I want to be able to get my GED and get a job. I have a little daughter. She brings me happiness. When I look at her it makes me want to do more, but with the illness sometimes it feels impossible. I still try to do the things I can. I still go to see her, play with her, let her know she has a daddy, and I’ll always be around. And that is what makes me look forward to having a normal life again.

BUDDY: Basically,I don’t see myself as a person with schizophrenia right now. I leave that in the past. Right now I am just trying to live a normal, productive life. Hopefully it won’t come back to haunt me if I keep coming to group, seeing my psychiatrist, and taking my medicine. After a year I’m working full-time, I’m back to writing, I’m looking forward to going back to college, and I have a girlf riend. I’m in a nice relationship.

GARY: I never thought I would be where I am right now. Actually, life has improved since I went into the hospital. I find myself being much more open to people and much more sympathetic as a result of all the therapy and what happened to me. I find myself being friendlier than I was prior to the illness. I’m working eighteen hours a week at my old job and I’m still in the same school. Now I’m an upper junior. I returned to college part-time and now I’m full-time. I’ve done the best I’ve ever done in school. I seem to be much happier because I get things off my chest better than I had been. I just started dating, a year and a half after my discharge date. I’m also in a club at school that involves what I want to do when I graduate. So, there is life after the illness.

GENEVIVE: I see things more clearly now. I’m able to analyze things. I know the difference between what is real and what is not. I’m a little bit more open. Before I used to be afraid of people, but now I’m communicating more. I want to have friends. I don’t know how to be with friends, how to deal with people. I think they will probably hurt me. I’m afraid of getting hurt. That’s my next goal, to be able to have friends. When I was sick I thought I didn’t have a future. I was pessimistic, and nothing good was going to come out of anything that I did. Now it’s different; I have a goal. I’m going to school and I intend to get a job later on in life. It’s good that I know a lot about my illness because I feel that if I’m getting sick again I can recognize the illness and go and get help. I’m glad I know about it. Here it’s controlled, everybody is mentally ill. I have people to talk to, people who are dealing with the same thing I was dealing with. And it seems everybody wants to go forward with their lives. Everybody has a goal they want to accomplish.

ILAN: It’s been five years now since my last breakdown.Three years ago I got my own apartment. I have returned to college, which is something I wanted to do. I was in a community college, but I graduated and I’m now pursuing a bachelor’s degree at a four-year college in elementary education and sociology. I plan on a master’s in education and a master’s in social work. I don’t believe college is for everyone, but it was something that was made important to me when I was younger. I plan to continue till I finish my goals, whether they change or not. It’s good, for the most part, but as I go along I have to remember that new problems will come up along with the old ones. And I may have to learn new coping skills. It helps to look back and see all the other problems that I put in the drawer and closed.

My first semester back at my community college, I took a social work course and schizophrenia came up. There were things that were said that I was offended by. One girl said that her father laughs if someone is schizophrenic, and that hurt me. But I learned to ignore it or listen without letting the offense bother me.After a while it became easy to ignore stupidity, as we all have to ignore a lot of it. As to who I am now, I’m a lot better than I was before I broke down the first time. The doctors are worried about us, if we are going to fail. I have some worries, but I know that even if it’s not a high-paying job, I will be successful in what I am doing. I can sit within myself and be comfortable.

JACKIE: Over the past few years I’ve been experimenting with what to do to keep myself well. I stopped drinking alcohol and I’ve stayed well ever since. I try to keep a structured life, as far as a schedule during the week, so I have things to do. That keeps me focused rather than in a dreamy world.

JAMES: Now my life is pretty much back on track.I feel good. I’m working, getting set to go back to school. My family is much better; I’m getting along with them. I’m not going to lie—sometimes I don’t take the medicine and I start getting certain symptoms, like the headaches. But I am able to do things I was doing. So it’s not really a bad thing; I’m doing maybe even more than before I went into the hospital.

JEFF: I’m doing okay.I get along with the people at work. I’ve been there a year. I’m doing all right. I don’t have too many problems. Day by day, I take it as it comes. I’m not worrying about stuff that doesn’t happen anymore. I’m trying to have as much fun as I can. I’m planning to go to Grand Cayman for a scuba-diving trip this summer. I’m going to book it soon. I’ll do some refresher dives before I go. All in all, life is pretty good. I can’t complain.

LAURIE: I feel much safer. Hopefully I will have good memories that will last me for a long time. I plan to go to college, but I’m still depending on the hospital for security.

LINDA: I am a struggling artist who wants to get stronger in her fight for survival and acceptance of this medication. I struggle to have a normal life, a family, and a job. Right now I am a person who goes to a day program, who has a boyfriend, and who pretty well maintains herself in life. I am living in QSLP, an apartment program. I also go to political advocacy groups for mentally ill people and I go to meetings for my apartment program’s newsletter. I am going to start to play on a softball team. I go to the movies with my boyfriend and my friends. I Rollerblade. You can have a normal, active daily routine type of living after you have come out of the hospital. There are plenty of people who are on medication but have a normal life.

LUCINDA: I am the same person. Just carry on taking the medication and working and living your life as if there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t be thinking about it all the time. If you are hospitalized again, you are hospitalized again. I have had three or four miserable years that I would not like repeated. I will do all I can not to have that repeated. I think I have learned a lot and I think I can prevent a repeat of those horrible years. I was always a strong person, but this has made me a much stronger person. I just want to work and get on with my life.

MARCUS: Now I can look back and say I had a sickness. It was real bad in the beginning, but now I’m getting back to my old self. It’s something I have to deal with. I’m hanging out with my friends now. I have a job and I have a girlfriend. You can date with the sickness. It’s okay to get a good night’s rest, get up fresh, and start a new day.

MEREDITH: I am trying to finish college and take care of myself at the same time. I am enjoying singing in my choir. I am deepening my relationship with family. I traveled this summer to Japan and Mexico and had a wonderful time in both places. I have friends from choir and friends who graduated from college who are supportive.

MIKE: Well, I am doing much better now. I am enjoying life. I’m trying to stay more positive and be more positive about what the future has for me. I’ve learned to appreciate life and I am grateful to be alive, because there were times I didn’t want to be alive at all. I look forward to keeping on taking my medicine, taking care of myself, and getting back into college. Just enjoying life to the fullest.

PATRICK: I think I am doing well. The exercise is keeping my mind in good shape. I would like to lose a lot of weight. I like my job. I meet people there and talk to other people.

RICHIE: I think I am doing pretty good except for my weight.I am doing much better than I was before. In time all that goes away, the apathy. I feel I’m back to my original self. I am trying to get back into working out and to find a job that I really like and stick with it. I’m going to call VESID (see appendix 2 for more information on VESID) and see if I can get help from them, to see if they can put me into a program to eventually put me into a job.

ROMAN: I am hoping to get a job. I’m hoping to move out of the apartment program and live on my own. I feel good.

SAM: I am more confident than I have been in seven years. I know I am doing well in school. I was offered a job at school. People having confidence in me helps me have confidence in myself. I can still learn things quickly. I think I’m a hundred times more humble. The sickness made me humble and, maybe because of this, I have many more friends than before. I still have the individuality, but not the arrogance anymore.

Now I’m in school and doing A work in the field I love. I think there’s no reason not to expect a normal life. I’m happy with it.

SAMANTHA: It’s a struggle. I sometimes have to take ten minutes at a time. I try to keep myself involved, occupied. I try to communicate with my little girl as much as possible. I’m alive. I see the sun rise in the morning. I can walk, I can talk, and I can feed myself. I can say if something physically is hurting me. I’m trying to work into a more professional job situation. I have been employed as an assistant case manager for the past four years. I have obtained my real estate license. I love activities. I do Jazzercize a couple times a week. I square dance. I like to walk. I like to read. I’m going to be starting a new job I was highly recommended for. It should be a step up for me to grow into. As my daughter gets older, I hope to be able to be more honest with her about myself. We have a good relationship now. Normal for a mother and teenager.

SASHA: Now I don’t clean my house as much. I have plans to go to school, to start a business career. I bought a car to visit friends and family. I live alone in my own apartment. I am independent. My son lives with his father, and I see him on a regular basis. I am seeing someone, more like a friend, though. I feel good. I am bored a lot, though, because I am not working, but I don’t have the symptoms I used to have.

SHARON: It’s hard for me to deal with because I don’t like to be classified with an illness. I still don’t like to be labeled. My life stopped. My dancing, my schooling were put on hold. It seems like I’m never going to get it back again.

SMOKEY: Things are going okay. I go to school; I go see my counselor twice a week. Once a week I see my drug counselor. Every morning they search me. I feel very good about myself. I hope to finish school and get a job. I have a girlfriend. She calls every day.

THOMAS: It’s been four years. I feel like I have gotten a little bit better. Hopefully the medication will help me. I feel pretty good. I’m waiting to see if my new medication helps me feel better.

VAN: Well, I’ve since pursued my education, and I’m looking forward to a career in the field of respiratory therapy. I have remained sharp and intelligent when it comes to learning in school. I’ve also continued to work throughout going to school. I go out with friends on the weekends and still enjoy good movies. I’m not leading a very exciting life. I think I have come back to the place in my life where I was long before I became ill. I’ve returned to a clearer head and a healthier attitude.

VANESSA: My life is coming together slowly. After my mother’s death I was feeling a little bit lost, but now I’m feeling a little bit better, better about myself. I moved into my mother’s house. When I moved in all the walls came down, the ceiling came down. There was so much work to do. She kept a lot of papers. I had to go through the papers to find certain bills, the deed to the house. Once we found all those papers we got everything together. The house is in better shape. Slowly but surely we are getting it together. We are adding a few things Mom would like. We’re painting, getting the bathroom fixed. We’ve even got the kids painting. They are enjoying themselves. My son is doing much better in school and my daughter is my wonder girl. She is just doing her own thing. She is reading well, doing math well. She reads a lot. She was an honor student this year. Everything is coming along nice. I’m feeling much better. I can talk about my feelings now. Talk about the things that I do every day. That’s it.

ZELDA: I am just trying to do the best I can with what I’ve been given. I’m working two jobs. I finished my two-year degree and I’m going on to become a massage therapist. I’m on a constant search to find the beautiful aspects of life and to keep things in perspective. I have been able to travel and make friends and stay sane. I think good health leads to productivity. So I am conscious of my well-being and am eating healthier, doing yoga, and staying on top of my game.

Note: Mark contributed to the book in many ways but did not provide his story.