“ERIK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”
Alexa was surprised that her voice sounded so calm.
Erik flinched. “Alexa?”
His eyes widened in surprise. “What am I doing here? What are you doing here?”
He wore a long wool coat with a cowl and held a short sword in his gloved hand. He looked more like a medieval mountain warrior than a modern young man. His dark eyes sparkled under his hood.
The jerk was still as handsome as ever.
He didn’t sound angry, and she could almost forget what had happened. Almost.
When their eyes met she realized the bond between them had loosened. The passion and longing that had flashed in his eyes had gone. Now she only saw guilt and sorrow. His feelings for her had changed. He had changed.
Alexa stumbled away. Her eyes stung, and she blinked as she tried to gather herself. She would not break down. There were worse things than a broken heart. She would not have a meltdown in front of the guy she loved, or thought she loved. She needed to be strong.
I am an angel.
It was a blessing that she understood his true feelings now, she thought, before she humiliated herself further.
If the attacks on Hallow Hall had never happened, would Erik still have had feelings for her? Would he have eventually pulled away from her as he did now?
She knew the answer. It pained her, but she knew Erik would never return her feelings. Their relationship had been doomed from the beginning.
But she kept her chin up and said, “I’m looking for something. It’s important.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here so close to the Hellgate. Something I should know?”
Erik pulled off his hood. “I’m on patrol. Ever since the opening of the Hellgate, we’ve had a lot more supernatural activity in town. We take turns watching this area.”
He sheathed his sword inside his jacket. “Tonight’s my night.”
She noticed he couldn’t hold her gaze for more than a second, and she smiled inwardly. He had the look of a guy who was guilty or ashamed. Maybe he suspected she would learn his true feelings if he looked at her for too long.
Alexa wanted to ask him if the Sensitives had any information about the books Ryan had taken, but she decided against it. The attacks were still too fresh. She knew he’d tell her nothing.
Whatever Erik had felt for her before was gone. The attacks had changed everything, and she knew Erik would never trust an angel again.
There was an uncomfortably long silence, and then Alexa said, “How’s Rachel?”
She hated asking, but she was genuinely worried. Rachel hadn’t betrayed her.
Erik flushed. “She’s good. She’s going to be fine. The healers did a great job on her. They said she was very lucky to be alive.”
Alexa just nodded. She remembered the conversation she had overheard all too well. She didn’t trust herself to speak.
“What’s that in your hand?” Erik moved towards her with a strange smile on his face. “Is that a stick?”
“How about you mind your own business,” she snapped.
She turned away from him and kicked some snow with her boots. She wished he would just disappear and leave her alone. She was having a hard time clearing her mind and staying focused when he was so near.
Alexa needed to find her soul’s imprint. It was the only real reason she was here. Erik was a surprise and a distraction of the wrong kind. She had risked a lot coming back, and she wasn’t about to let her plan fail because she had become too soft, too mortal. It wasn’t entirely her fault the guy was so irritably handsome and excruciatingly sexy, however, and she found it difficult to concentrate. She tried to ignore him.
What did her soul’s imprint look like?
She decided to move to the spot where Hades had reached out and grabbed it. But as she moved towards the spot, Erik stepped into her line of sight.
“Please move. You’re in my way.”
She didn’t care how rude she sounded. Erik deserved it. When he didn’t move, she pushed past him and focused on her surroundings.
She stood next to the oak tree and scanned everything. She even sent her angel essence into the forest to search. Surely a soul would recognize its own imprint. She looked for a sign of light because somehow she knew her soul’s aura would glow.
But after a few minutes of searching, Alexa grew impatient. It was hopeless. She was surrounded by ice, snow, and darkness. She didn’t see a spark of light in the shady clearing or feel the tug of anything that would indicate she was nearing the imprint. She felt nothing.
She clamped her teeth together in frustration. It had to be here…
“What are you looking for? If you tell me, maybe I can help you.” Erik’s voice sent ripples through her.
She didn’t know why, but she answered him. “I’m looking for my soul—an imprint of my soul,” she said. “You know, my fragmented soul, the one you promised to help me find, the one I sacrificed to save your ass.”
Alexa heard his intake of breath, but she didn’t care. She moved around the tree and looked everywhere but at Erik. She was thankful he was here, and that she hadn’t run into Hades with just a stick to defend herself. But she also wished he would just go away. Having him near was like opening a wound.
“Alexa, I’m sorry about that—”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it does. I just wish I knew what I was looking for so I could get out of here.”
And away from you, she wanted to say.
Alexa moved past him again and looked around the base of the oak tree.
“And this imprint…it’s going to help you get that missing part of your soul back?” asked Erik.
Alexa sighed. “Not exactly. But it’s supposed to. It’s supposed to help. That’s all I know.”
Erik looked as though he was in pain. He raked his fingers through his hair.
“Alexa, can we talk for a minute.”
“No.”
She flinched as he closed the distance between them. He reached for her, but she jerked away from the man she had once yearned to touch.
“Can you please just listen? There’s something I need to tell you—”
“Don’t bother,” said Alexa. She choked out a laugh. “You’ve said enough. I heard what you said to Rachel. I went to check up on her in the medical wing after the attacks. I heard what you said to her. I heard everything. So, you see, you don’t have to repeat it.”
She strained to keep her voice steady, but she couldn’t look at him.
“It’s fine. You needn’t worry about breaking me or hurting my poor angel feelings. I don’t break that easily. You should be with her anyway, not with a dead girl like me.”
“Alexa, you don’t understand—”
“I might be dead, but I’m not stupid,” she hissed. “Or desperate. I get it, Erik. I really do. I was an experiment, the monthly fling. You wanted to know what it was like to kiss the dead girl, and now you have.”
“Now you’re being an idiot,” Erik’s voice was hard. “That’s not what happened. I care about you, Alexa.”
“Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.” Alexa felt her chest tighten. “Aren’t I lucky. You care about me.”
She paused and then said. “I get it, you know. After all that happened, after the attacks, I knew you could never feel for me the way you would feel for a mortal girl. I can see the detachment in your face. Angels killed your parents, and then they killed your friends in Hallow Hall.”
She swallowed hard, her voice shaky. “It could have never been more than what it was.”
Erik leaned forward. “You’re bleeding. I didn’t know angels could bleed.”
He reached toward her, and she shuddered as he ran his cool gloved fingers down her stinging cheek.
She smacked his hand away.
“It’s not real blood. You know what? You should leave. There’s obviously no demon activity tonight, and you’re distracting me. I need to find my imprint if I want to have a chance at this angel thing—my life.”
She looked up into the dark sky. “Rachel needs you. You should be with her—”
“Will you shut up and let me explain,” said Erik.
Alexa scowled. “No. And don’t tell me to shut up if you don’t want my fist to connect with the side of your head. I don’t want to hear it. Okay? And if you respect me at all, you will respect my request and go away.”
He shook his head, more at himself than at Alexa. But he didn’t leave.
“So, who was the guy that was with you,” inquired Erik, as though small talk was the right thing to do. “The one that looked like he stepped out of a Viking movie.”
“That’s Milo,” she said, wondering why they were having this conversation. “He’s my petty officer, but more like my parole officer. I’m supposed to follow him, you know. I go where he goes, that sort of thing, at least until I’m not on probation anymore.”
“You ditched him to come here, didn’t you?” said Erik. He sounded mildly impressed. “How long are you staying? If you don’t want to talk now…maybe you’ll change your mind later.”
“I won’t.” If he was going to give her the let’s be friend’s speech, she was going to bludgeon him with her stick.
“Maybe we could go for coffee or something,” he pressed.
He ignored the scowl on Alexa’s face. “I mean, I know you don’t drink coffee, but the change of scenery could do you some good. A more normal one—”
“A more normal what? Life? Are you serious?” Alexa’s anger overcame her common sense. “I’m dead, so that makes me unnormal because being alive makes a person normal? What is normal, huh? Define normal.”
Erik shook his head. “That’s not what I’m saying. Try to be reasonable—”
“Me? Try to be reasonable.”
She had had enough. She was going to whack him.
Erik shrugged. “I could take you to see your mom if you’d like.”
“My mother?” Alexa looked at him. “Why would I visit my—” she faltered as a cold wave rushed through her. The club in her hand felt as though it were made of steel.
Her mother? Who was her mother?
Alexa rummaged through her memories, trying to remember her mother’s face, but all she could see was darkness. It was as though her mother had never existed, as though she never had a mother.
“Alexa? What’s wrong?”
A wave of vertigo swamped her with nausea, and she squeezed her eyes shut.
She looked at Erik and said, “I don’t remember who I am.”