There’s no repentance for being a snitch, only having your tongue cut out…
“You gonna fuck ’round ‘n’ have me put a bullet in ya shit.” I fall back in my seat. It isn’t until I remove the phone from my ear, clutching it in my hand, that I realize that I’m shaking. My cell buzzes in my hand causing me to jump. This nigga has my fucking nerves rattled. I glance at the caller ID, breathing out a sigh of relief, quickly answering the call.
“Hi, Nana,” I say, happy to hear her voice. I close my eyes.
“Hey, baby.” Hearing my seventy-two-year-old grandmother’s warm, soothing voice warms causes a tear to roll down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. I ask her how she is. “The good Lord woke me up this morning, and spared me another day. I am truly blessed.”
“You sure are. That’s a blessing.” I blink back tears.
“It sure is. My God is truly in the blessing business. He’s an awesome God. Amen. And He’s been mighty good to you, Pasha.”
Oh, no. Please. Not today, Nana. “I know He has, Nana.”
“Uh-huh. Then why have you forsaken Him?” Inhale. All it takes is a pregnant pause for her to start up. “Seems like you’re too busy tryna keep up with the devil these days. You need to get right with God. Put Him first. And stop letting the devil have his way.”
Exhale. “Nana, I’m a work in progress. God knows my heart.”
“Uh-huh. We’re in the last days, Pasha. When the pearly gates finally open…”
I cut her off. “Nana, I love you very much.”
“And I love you. But you need to love the Lord more.”
I sigh. “Nana, as much as I’d love to stay on the phone and fellowship with you, I have to make this real quick.” I tell her my reason for calling. “If Jasper happens to stop over, please do me a favor and do not let him or anyone else who comes to the door that doesn’t look familiar to you inside. Don’t even open the door for them. I want you to immediately call the police.”
She wants to know why. I tell her I’ve put him out; that I have a restraining order against him—and she’s listed as someone Jasper’s to have no contact with; that I’m worried about her being in that house all by herself. I try to convince her to let me send her on a vacation for a few weeks. Try to encourage her to visit her niece, Penny—my cousin Persia and her sisters’ aunt—and her family out in Arizona. But Nana isn’t hearing it.
“Chile, hush. I’m not going anywhere. When you live by faith, you aren’t moved by fear. You know I stay armed and ready. I’m covered in the blood of Jesus. The Lord’s armor will protect me from any wickedness. In the name of Jesus. In the name of Jesus. In the name…of Jesus. Amen.”
“Nana, please,” I plead. “If you don’t want to go for a few weeks, then go for a week.”
“Baby, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…I fear no…”
I see she’s not budging, see there’s no convincing her. I let it go. “I know you do, Nana. Anyway, I’m going to let you go, okay? I only wanted to let you know what’s going on with me and to check on you.”
“Thanks, baby. I’m glad to hear you’re finally letting that husband of yours go. You know I’ve never fancied Jasper. But I’m a good Christian woman with an open and loving heart. So I have loved him best I can.” She grunts. “You and Felecia have always been stubborn when it comes to them street thugs. Just like your mothers. You girls love them heathen men; especially you, Pasha.”
I sigh. I knew this shit was coming. “Nana, please. Let’s not go there. I’m nothing like her, or my mother.”
“Mmmph. I’m leaving it all up on the altar. I don’t know what happened to you while you were missing. But you haven’t been right since, Pasha. Whatever them filthy heathens did to my sweet baby has changed you. I wish you’d give it to God. Your spirit is heavy. And them beautiful eyes don’t have that sparkle in ’em like they used to, baby. I wish you’d come to church. Let me have Pastor lay hands on you. Let him shake the devil and his serpents out of your life. You need to get right with God, Pasha. Let Him heal your spirit before it’s too late. Please, baby. Do it for your Nana, and that precious baby of yours.”
I feel myself starting to tear up. “I will, Nana, soon.”
“Uh-huh. Soon it’ll be too late, baby. I know I can’t tell you what to do ’cause you grown. But I’m telling you this, baby. Jasper’s spirit isn’t right. It’s never been right. And he’s gotta hold on you.”
You have no idea.
“I’ll fuckin’ kill you, yo…to teach you a lesson…don’t have me fuck you up, yo…you stay wantin’ me to beat ya ass, yo…” Jasper’s voice plays over and over in my head, his threats churning a hole into my memory.
I feel myself getting sick. I dab at my eyes to keep the tears from falling.
“Anyway, baby. Felecia was here this morning and told me you and her had a big falling-out and you done fired her from the salon. She’s all broken up behind that. Now I hear you’re fighting her unemployment. Tell me this isn’t so? You know my heart can’t stand hearing none of this mess.”
I grit my teeth. That bitch! “Yes, it’s true, Nana. I fired her.” She wants to know why. I tell her that I’d rather not talk about it; that it’s between her and me.
“Well, I pray the two of you work it out. All you have is each other.” I roll my eyes in my head. Psst. Please. After what I’ve just heard, I’m over that bitch! “You know I raised you and Felecia better than to turn on each other. The two of you have always been like sisters.”
“Well, that’s changed Nana. Felecia and I stopped being like sisters the day she stopped being loyal. Did she tell you that?”
“No, she didn’t. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you do right by her. You know better, Pasha. Felecia has always been a troubled girl. And she’s always needed a little extra care. You know she had it hard not knowing her father and then her mother—God rest her soul—being strung out on that stuff. I’m telling you the devil stays busy.”
Yeah, Nana. The devil was busy sucking Jasper’s dick behind my fucking back!
“It’s not right what you doing to that poor child, Pasha. You know she’s never been too right in the head after all the things she seen her mother do growing up.”
“Ohmygod, Nana!” I shriek in disbelief. All my life Nana has taken up for Felecia’s miserable-ass and has made excuses for her. There’s always been some kind of justification or rationalization for that bitch! She’s sad. She’s misunderstood. She just needs to be loved. She needs more attention. Mmmph. Blah, blah, blah…
“Are you serious right now? Felecia’s a grown-as”—I catch myself before I finish the rest—“woman. She’s not some little girl who doesn’t know what she says or does. I know she had it hard. I had it hard, too, Nana.”
“Your mother wasn’t a drug addict, Pasha. And you had your father in your life. Felecia didn’t.”
I frown. “Nana, please. You don’t think I had it hard having a mother who wanted to be the next kingpin’s trophy instead of a mother to me. Or a father who’d rather sling dope and rob people on the streets instead of raising his daughter. Okay, so he bought me nice things and made sure I had whatever I wanted and needed. Still, he wasn’t raising me. You were. They left me, Nana. I was abandoned, too. But you don’t see me making excuses for what I do as an adult. Nana, Felecia’s choices have nothing to do with what she’s been through as a child. And if they do, shame on her. Because at the end of the day, she is still responsible for what she says and does as I am. And like it or not, she will be held accountable; period.”
“Is this how I raised you, Pasha? To be spiteful and talk fresh to me? Is this what being high-and-mighty, living out there in that mansion, has done to you? Have you turn your back on your family and disrespect me? I put a roof over your head and fed and clothed you and made sure you had braces to fix them raggedy teeth so you could have that beautiful smile and this is how you speak to me. My God is a mighty good God and He leads me in a path of righteousness so before I let the devil take my tongue, I’m going to lift you up in prayer. I know the God I serve is a merciful God. And the devil is a hot dang lie. Oooh, I’m hotter than grits with you right now, Pasha. You got me cussing.”
I’m going to stomp Felecia’s ass!
“Nana, I’m sorry if I spoke to you disrespectfully. You know I love you and would never intentionally be disrespectful to you, or get you to cussing.” I shake my head. If I weren’t so pissed right now, I’d actually be laughing at Nana for thinking saying dang is cussing. “Nana, I’m just sick of Felecia always playing the victim. She created this mess between us. And quite frankly she’s going to need a whole lot more than prayer to get out of it.”
“Mmmph. You almost made me take it to you, Pasha. I thank God every day for keeping me anchored in His word. I almost went back to my old heathen ways on you, baby. Don’t speak to me in that fashion again, Pasha. I know I raised you better than that.”
In an instant, I feel like a child again being scolded. “Yes, Nana, you did. And I apologize. I love you.”
“Mmmph. Sister Peterson is outside blowing the horn for me. I love you, too. And remember to always keep God first. He’s the only one who can’t help see you through it.”
We talk a few more seconds, then end the call. I set my cell on my desk. I can’t believe that fucking bitch Felecia! Anytime shit goes wrong in her life, that bitch is always the victim. She can’t ever take responsibility for her shit.
I take a few deep breaths to steady my nerves, picking up my cell and scrolling through my call log. I force myself to keep the edge out of my voice when she answers. Reel this bitch in!
“Hello?”
“Felecia? Hey. It’s me. Pasha. It’s time we clear the air.”
“Yes it is,” she says, letting out a loud sigh. “I’m glad you’re finally ready to talk so I can explain my side to you and we can put this crazy mess behind us.”
I bite down on my lip. Keep from calling her every bitch in the book. “Don’t get excited. I’m still not fucking with you. But, if nothing else, I don’t want to spend my life harboring grudges, especially toward you.”
Yeah, right!
“Me either, Pasha. I know I might have done and said a few things I—”
I cut her ass off. “Look, I didn’t call to get into all that. If we’re going to talk, we need to do it face to face.”
“I agree. When would you like to meet? Today?” I tell her ass no. Tell her I’ll meet her Sunday night. Nine P.M.
Here at the salon.
Just her and me.
Alone.
I disconnect on her ass, then hop up from my desk and race into the bathroom, tossing my guts up into the sink. I start dry-heaving. Fucking dirty, backstabbing bitch!