Chapter Twenty-Two

 

She put two fingers across his lips. It was odd, being loved so much by a man. Being cherished, as he had said. But the feeling was wonderful. And she couldn't allow him to speak what was on his mind, because she suddenly understood his greatest fear. Losing her.

"Nothing is going to happen, Kaed," she whispered fiercely. "Don't even think that way."

He kissed her fingers. "Do you understand, Jess? Why I pulled out at the end? It has nothing to do with you. It's me. I just don't know if I'm ready to risk it all again." He looked away after a long pause. "Or if I ever will be ready. I know that's selfish of me. You're young. You'll want a family." He returned his gaze to her, his eyes filled with uncertainty. "And if you're not ready to take a gamble on me, a man who may never want to risk—"

She could not meet his steady look, wouldn't allow herself to believe he was actually speaking these words to her.

"I couldn't protect them before, Jessi."

She heard the raw self-condemnation in his words, felt her own heart shatter at his pain. She brushed his lips gently with hers.

"I love you, Kaed. No matter what you decide to do, I love you." She drew a shaky breath. "You have a lot to consider, too. There were a few times when you didn't pull out soon enough."

"I know. I've thought of that. I just hope that maybe we got lucky. Maybe it didn't take."

She moved off of him stiffly and sat up on the edge of the bed, hurt lancing through her with a sharpness that even understanding couldn't dull. "And, if it did 'take'?"

Kaed reached to touch her shoulder, but she flinched away from him as if she'd been burned.

"Don't answer that, Marshal Turner. You just do what you feel you need to do. Come back home or—" She turned to look at him. "Just remember this. Life is one big poker game. I'm taking a gamble on you when you ride out of here. What if you get killed? What if your horse throws you, and you break your neck?"

He smiled. "Not likely."

"What if Fallon gets off a better shot this time and aims a little higher?"

"That's where he was trying for the first time."

She ignored him. "What if you decide you want to keep riding? You don't want children. Maybe being in love and having another wife is too risky for you, as well."

His eyes hardened. "Jessica."

"Or maybe Lexi will remind you of your daughter when she gets older. That may be a bit chancy for you."

He sat up. "Dammit, will you listen to me?"

"No. Not only no, but hell no!" Jessica stood up angrily and reached for her robe. "I'm tired of listening, Kaed. You made me think we had a life together, but… Oh, never mind! You're right. I'm young. A baby. Stupid, I guess. Why don't you get on your horse and take your wise, worldly self down the road and out of my life?" She belted the robe with a flourish, her eyes shooting angry fire at him as he watched in amazed silence.

Finally, he said, "Is that what you want?"

She gave him a thin, brittle smile. "You'd like me to make that decision for you, wouldn't you? It would let you off the hook. Well, I'm not going to do that, Marshal. I love you. I can't help it." She wiped at her eyes furiously, determined not to cry in front of him. "I'm willing to take a chance on you. Whether or not you come home to me is entirely up to you. Either you'll take care of yourself, or you'll be killed. Either you'll decide we've got a chance at a life together or you'll just keep on riding. It's your decision. But I'll be damned if I'll make it easy for you."

He rose swiftly, and strode around the end of the bed to where she stood, stopping within a few inches. His ebony eyes glittered like pieces of dark glass.

"Now, you listen to me, Jessica."

She involuntarily stepped back. She'd never seen him angry, and the power he exuded was almost shocking. She'd known the savagery was there, under the barely civilized veneer, but now that thin exterior was completely stripped away. Kaed Turner stood before her, suddenly more of a stranger than he'd been on that day nearly three weeks ago when the Choctaws had left him bruised and bleeding on her quilt.

The quiet seriousness of his voice demanded she do nothing but listen. His eyes compelled her to look at him, daring her to glance away. And even though he hadn't touched her physically, his presence was so commanding that she knew she was helpless in its grip.

She waited for him to continue, caught like a rabbit in a snare, unable to move away.

* * * * *

He stood quietly for a minute, his thoughts tumbling. He'd handled this badly. If Jessica was pregnant, he would never deny his child. Though he might stand guilty of being overprotective, of being too careful as a parent, he would never be accused of not loving the baby, or of being hesitant to assume the responsibilities of fatherhood.

He couldn't leave here with things as they stood between the two of them. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He'd only wanted to be honest about the situation, to explain why he was reticent about becoming a father again. It would be his greatest joy, and his worst fear. His most wondrous dream, and his most hellish loss.

Time had dulled the agony of his emotional wounds, but he would never, never forget them. Losing his own parents, then as a parent, losing his children. He wasn't sure happiness was ever meant to be his. The only way to right this situation was to be honest again.

Jessica crossed her arms, waiting.

He raked his hand through his sleep-tousled hair, frustration overcoming his anger. "Jessica, I love you. But right now, I'm so damned pissed off at you, I can't think straight."

She looked down.

"I told you, I'm coming back. Damn it, I know what Andrew Fallon is capable of!" He held up his mending wrist. "And I know how to be careful. I just had no choice when he had the girls."

"And now he's got replacements for the ones he killed."

Kaed nodded. "Yeah. But this time, I'm not alone."

Jessica bit her lip and raised her eyes to his. The worry that he saw there dissolved his anger.

He gave her a cocky grin. "And I've never been thrown from my horse."

"No matter what you say, it's still a risk for me, too."

"You're right, sweetheart," he said. "It's a helluva risk for you. Every morning since I've been here, I wake up wondering how I got so lucky." He sighed. "Jessi, I don't want to ride out of here wondering how I screwed everything up so badly between us. You gotta know this much about me; if we've made a child, I'll do all I can to be a good father—and a good husband—because I want to be. Not because I have to be." His voice softened, and finally, as he reached for her, she came into his embrace and laid her head on his shoulder, drawing an unsteady breath.

He could tell she was crying, trying not to, but unable to stop herself.

"You better come back to me in one piece."

He smiled into her hair. "You don't have to worry." His voice was rough with emotion. "Just stick with me, Jessi. I'm workin' my way through it. It'll come out all right in the end. As long as we love each other, we'll be okay."

"Even though I'm so young?" She sniffed and drew back to wipe her eyes.

"Hey, as long as you think I'm wise and worldly, we'll work everything else out. Besides," he added seriously, "you need somebody older to keep you out of trouble, I think."

"As if you are the person who walks the straight and narrow." She whacked his shoulder. He gave a sharp groan as if she'd hurt him. For a moment, her eyes rounded and an apology hovered on her lips. Then she saw his smile. "Faker. You didn't make that much noise when I set your wrist."

"Huh-uh. Didn't make any noise then. I'm only vocal when you're exceptionally pleasing. Like when you put your mouth on—"

"Kaed!" she gasped, blushing at his bold words.

He laughed, kissing her again. "I've got to go," he murmured when he lifted his head, serious once more. Reluctantly, he released her.

She nodded and stepped away from him, but he caught her wrist and pulled her to him hungrily again, his mouth capturing hers, possessing her completely.

"I'm coming back to you, Jessi," he muttered against her lips. "I promise you that. But I have to do this. I have to go."

* * * * *

Less than an hour later, Kaed had dressed, eaten, and was ready to walk out the door. He stood beside the dining table, his arm around Jessica, Lexi in her arms.

"Hey, Marshal Turner! You plan on ridin' with us sometime today?" a voice shouted from outside the front door.

Kaed grinned at the teasing of the disembodied voice, then looked back at Jessica.

"Jack Eaton. Back to his old obnoxious self," Kaed said. He released Jessica, then strode to the door and threw it open. The men were all mounted in the gray light of early morning. His own horse stood saddled and ready.

"Give me a minute to say goodbye, Jack," he said. "I'll be out shortly."

This was met with catcalls and whistles.

Kaed slammed the door shut, ignoring them. "Jess?"

"Go on, Kaed." She smiled. "I'll be here when you get back. Lexi and I, we'll be waiting."

Kaed walked to where she stood, leaned over to Lexi and kissed her cheek. The baby reached for him, and he took her in his arms. She looked up at him with shining eyes that told the world how she felt about Kaedon Turner. Kaed's heart melted. He could never deny Lexi, he realized. How foolish he'd been, to think he could separate his love for Lexi over any child he and Jessica might have. Or the children he'd had before. He couldn't hold himself apart any more than he could stop the westward swing of the sun across the lightening sky.

"Love your daddy, Lex?" he said. Lexi leaned forward and planted an open-mouthed, slobbery kiss on Kaed's cheek. He grinned at Jessica and wiped his face with his shirtsleeve. "Think she understood me?"

Jessica laughed and reached to take the baby. "I wouldn't argue the point. It seemed like she did. I know she does love you, whether she can say it or not." She kissed Lexi's nose, and the baby laughed. "And so do I," she finished softly, glancing up at Kaed.

Kaed turned to open the door, and for a moment, the three of them stood framed in the opening.

"Let's give 'em something to talk about, Jessi." He pulled her to him and slanted his mouth firmly across the surprised O her lips made at his sudden action.

* * * * *

She knew he was thinking about all they had said before. She couldn't let him go with the doubt in his voice, the uncertainty in his eyes. She felt the affirmation of faith in his kiss and returned it, shifting Lexi on her hip in order to put her arm around his neck, her fingers toying with the crisp dark hair that fell just over the top of his shirt collar. The kiss deepened and lengthened before Kaed released her and she drew away from him slowly.

As she raised her eyes to meet his amused gaze, warmth rushed to her cheeks. But she didn't look away. "That should do it, Kaed," she said. "Give them all plenty to talk about for a long, long time. And give you something to remember, as well."

Kaed's eyes crinkled, and he laughed. "When I remember, Jessica, it'll be more than that kiss." He grew serious, reaching to touch her cheek. "I'll be thinking about the way you feel under me when I'm making love to you. The way your eyes go all starry when you tell me you love me. The way you say my name when I come into you. The touch of your hand on my skin in the night. And—"

"And?" She breathed, her heart racing, pounding against her ribs at his words.

He gave her a faint smile. "The funny way your breathing sounds right about now when you want to say I love you and can't bring yourself to do it, because you know it means saying goodbye." He brushed her hair behind her ear. "I'll be back, soon's we get this business taken care of." He turned to go, then looked back at her one last time. "You don't even have to say it anymore, Jessica. Those stars in your eyes are a giveaway every time. I was reading you right by the third day, remember?"

"I remember, Marshal," Jessica said. "But I'll tell you anyway. As often as you want to hear it. I'm in love with you. Crazy in love. And I'll be waiting for you. Just be careful."

He grinned. "I won't let the horse throw me." He turned away and walked down the porch steps to where Travis held the reins of the big black.

"Andrew Fallon's much more dangerous than anything else out there."

Kaed swung himself up into the saddle one-handed as he barely touched the stirrup. "You don't need to worry on that count, either, Jessi. Fallon's a dead man. He should've made it good with me the first time around. He won't get a second chance."

Jessica followed him down the steps and stood, looking up into his eyes. Kaed Turner was her second chance, and she could hardly bear to let him ride away.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," he said in a low voice, leaning down to kiss her one last time. His hand rested in her hair briefly before he moved it away with the slow reluctance that she felt in her own heart.

"We'll be here."

He turned his horse away and rode after the others.

Jessica stood watching him until he had disappeared into the woods. She looked at Lexi. "Do you think we'll get that second chance, Lex? Think he'll come back to us?" She bit her lip, raising her eyes once more to the now-silent woods beyond the creek. When she glanced at Lexi again, there seemed to be a hint of reproach in the baby's trusting chocolate eyes. Jessica kissed her wispy head. "I know he will if he's able," she whispered. "If he stays safe."