ON MY TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY, I was herding oxen down by the river. In the afternoon, I took a nap on the grass. When I woke up, the banana leaf I had covered myself with before dozing off was nowhere to be found (the leaf might have been eaten by an ox). The dry season’s subtropical sun had seared my bare skin crimson red. It was painful and itchy as hell. My little monk was pointing straight up to the sky in an unprecedented size. Such was the state of the world on my birthday. I woke up to the sun’s blinding light and a sky terrifyingly blue. A layer of fine dust, like baby powder, had settled over me. Of all the boners I was to have in life, none was ever to match that one in mightiness. Maybe it was because I was in the middle of nowhere, in solitude.
I got up to look for the herd and found them crouching far off by the river’s fork, chewing on grass. In that quiet moment, a white breeze hewed across the field. By the riverbank, a couple of local bulls charged at one another with bloodshot eyes, frothing at the mouth. These bulls had tight ball sacks and strong long shafts. Our oxen didn’t do this sort of thing. If any of the bulls were to challenge them, they would have cowered. To avoid mating-related injuries, which would have affected spring plowing, we castrated them all.
I was there during all the castrations. For ordinary bulls, a simple slice of the scrotum sufficed. But for more temperamental animals, the crushing technique was used, which meant first pulling out the bull’s testicles then mashing them to a pulp with a wooden club. Henceforth, the crushed ox knew nothing besides eating and working. It didn’t even need to be tied up for slaughter. The captain who wielded the wooden club had no doubt that the crushing technique could work just as well on men. Whenever he yelled at us, he would say: all you bunch of bull testicles need is a good crushing! According to his logic, this bright red, foot-long thing pointing perpendicular to me was the very incarnation of evil.
Of course, I saw things differently. In my opinion, the thing was of utmost importance, the essence of my being. Clouds drifted lazily across the darkening sky. That day, I turned twenty-one. In the golden age of my life, I was full of dreams. I wanted to love, to eat, and to instantly transform into one of those clouds, part alight, part darkened. It was only later that I understood—life is but a slow, drawn-out process of getting your balls crushed. Day by day, you get older. Day by day, your dreams fade. In the end you are no different from a crushed ox. But I hadn’t foreseen any of it on my twenty-first birthday. I thought I’d be vigorous forever and that nothing could ever crush me.
I HAD INVITED Chen Qingyang over to eat fish that evening, so I should have gotten hold of some fish in the afternoon. But it wasn’t until five o’clock that I thought to check on the fish trap I had diverted from the creek. As I was getting to a bend in the river, two Jingpo1 kids came fighting down the trail. They hurled clots of dirt everywhere, hitting me in their crossfire. They wouldn’t stop until I grabbed one of them by his ear and shouted:
“Where are the fucking fish!”
The slightly older one said, “It’s all fucking Le Nong’s fault! He sat on the dam and broke it!”
Le Nong shrieked, “Wang Er! You didn’t build the fucking dam strong enough!”
I replied, “Lies! I sodded the dam myself. Who says it wasn’t strong enough?”
I took a closer look. Whether it was because Le Nong sat on it or because I hadn’t built it strong enough, the dam had collapsed and the water that was diverted from the creek flowed back out, along with all the fish. A whole day’s work was wasted. Of course, I couldn’t say it was my fault, so I blamed Le Nong. Le Du, the other kid, took my side, making Le Nong furious. He jumped up high in the air and screamed, “Wang Er! Le Du! Shit! You guys are ganging up on me like brothers-in-law! I’m gonna go tell dad and he’s gonna shotgun you both!”
The little rascal tried to scamper up the riverbank, but before he could get away, I grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him back down.
“Just walk away and leave us to herd your oxen? In your ma’s dreams!”
The little punk tried to bite me but I pinned him down to the ground. His mouth foamed as he cursed in a mixture of Mandarin, Jingpo, and Dai.2 I returned the verbal assault in back-alley Beijingese. Suddenly, he stopped cursing as he lowered his eyes down my torso with a look of admiration. I looked down. My little monk had perked up again.
Le Nong couldn’t help but admire, “Wow! Is that for Le Du’s sister?”
I immediately tossed him aside and went to put on some pants.
WHEN I LIT the gas lamp in the water pump room at night, Chen Qingyang would appear and begin to talk about how pointless her life was, and how she really was innocent on every count. I told her the fact that she felt so immaculate was in itself the greatest sin. The way I saw it, every person was by nature horny and lazy. By going out of your way to protect your body like a precious jade, you’ve already committed the sin of phoniness, a sin worse than lust or sloth. She seemed to listen, but she never agreed to any of it.
That night, I lit the gas lamp and waited for Chen Qingyang for a long time. It wasn’t until after nine that she appeared at my door shouting, “Wang Er, asshole! Come out!”
I went outside and found her dressed in white, looking extra elegant, but with a tense look on her face. She said: you invited me over for fish and a heart-to-heart, where’s the fish? I could only answer that the fish was still in the river. All right, she said, so we are left with the heart-to-heart, we can talk right here. I insisted on talking inside. She agreed, entered my room, and sat down with a flustered look.
On my twenty-first birthday, I had wished to seduce Chen Qingyang because she was my friend, her breasts were big, her waist was thin, and her butt was round. Not only that. Her neck was also gracefully long and her face very pretty. I wanted to have sex with her, and was hoping she might agree. If she had wanted to borrow my body to explore anatomy, I would have let her; so I hoped it would have been fine for me to explore her body as well. The only problem was that she was a woman and women tend to be a bit picky. I needed to inspire her, so I began to explain the meaning of epic friendship.
In my view, epic friendship was the way great warriors wandering rivers and lakes would honor each other. For the heroes in The Water Margin, murder and arson were commonplace; but the moment Ji Shiyu’s name was pronounced, they immediately bowed in respect. I, too, wanted to be a reckless hero who believed in nothing, but who would never violate the bonds of friendship. As long as you were my friend, no matter how much evil you had done, even if the whole world had wanted you gone, I would still be there by your side. That night, I offered my epic friendship to Chen Qingyang. She was so moved she not only accepted my friendship, but wanted to repay me with an even more epic friendship. She would never abandon me even if I were a wicked scumbag. Her words set my worries at ease so I went on to conclude my point: I’m already twenty-one years old, but I still haven’t experienced the thing between a man and a woman, it really bothers me. Upon hearing me out, she froze, perhaps in surprise. She didn’t react to anything I said. I put my hand on her shoulder and felt her muscles tense. She could have turned around and slapped me any time, it would have been proof that women knew nothing about friendship. But she didn’t. Abruptly, she scoffed, and smiled. She said: how silly of me! I fell for your trick so easily!
I asked, what trick, what are you talking about?
Nothing, she replied. I pushed her to answer what I had just asked her. “Screw you,” she blushed. She was acting a little coy, so I took the initiative and touched her. She shoved me away a few times and then said, not here, let’s go up the mountain. So I followed her up the mountain.
CHEN QINGYANG LATER said she still couldn’t figure out if my epic friendship was real or something I made up just to seduce her. But she also admitted that my words were like a spell that beguiled her; they made her feel like even if she were to lose everything, she would have no regrets. Indeed, my epic friendship was neither real nor fake. Just like everything else in this world, if you believed it to be real, it would continue to be real; if you suspected it to be fake, then it might be fake. My words weren’t entirely a lie. I would always stand by them, even if they undoubtedly meant doom. It was this very attitude that led no one to trust me. Even though I thought of friendship as life’s great endeavor, I somehow still only ever made a couple of friends, including Chen Qingyang. When we went up the mountain that night, we stopped halfway because she wanted to go back home for a minute. She told me to wait at the summit. I suspected that she might hang me out to dry, but I stayed quiet and made my way to the summit for a smoke. Soon after, she arrived.
Chen Qingyang said, the first time I went to get a shot from her, she was at her desk snoozing. People in Yunnan had a lot of time to snooze. As a result, everyone was always just waking up. When I approached, my shadow darkened the room. Most of the light coming into her mud-walled hut came in through the doorway. She woke, looked up, and asked me what I needed. I said my lower back hurt. She told me to lie down. I dove face-first onto the bamboo cot, nearly breaking it. My back was in too much pain for me to bend over. Had that not been the case, I wouldn’t have needed to see her in the first place.
Chen Qingyang told me that even as a young man, I had wrinkly beggar lips and black bags under my eyes. I was tall, dressed in rags, and didn’t like to say much. After I got my shot, I left. I might have said thank you, or maybe not. By the time she realized I could help her prove she wasn’t an old shoe, I had already gone. She ran out after me but saw that I was taking the shortcut to Team 14. I swooshed down along the undulating hill, as fleet-footed as if I were wearing wings. It was morning during the dry season. Wind swept up from the valley, muting her voice as she called out to me. I never looked back. Like that, I just walked away.
Chen Qingyang said, she wanted to chase after me but knew she would never catch up. Besides, she wasn’t sure if I could prove her innocence yet. She returned to the infirmary. Later on, she changed her mind and decided to look for me because everyone who called her an old shoe was an enemy. It was possible that I wasn’t yet an enemy. She didn’t want to miss this opportunity and allow me to become just another enemy.
THAT NIGHT, I smoked on the summit of the mountain. Despite the darkness, I could see far. The moon was bright and the air was crisp. I could hear dogs barking in the distance. I saw Chen Qingyang as soon as she got out of Team 15. Even during the day, you couldn’t always see that far. But it felt different, perhaps because there was nobody around.
I couldn’t be entirely sure there was nobody around because everything was just a silvery gray. If someone had walked around carrying a torch, it would have indicated to the world that someone was there. Without a torch, you might as well have been wearing an invisibility cloak, only those who knew you were there would feel you, and no one else would see a thing. As I watched Chen Qingyang move closer, my heart thumped. Instinctively, I knew what I had to do—before doing the thing, we should play.
Chen Qingyang’s reaction to me was as cold as ice. Her lips were frozen. She was unresponsive to my caresses. When I clumsily tried to undo her buttons, she pushed me away and began undressing piece by piece. She stacked her clothes neatly by her side and lay stiffly on the grass.
Chen Qingyang’s nude body was so beautiful. I quickly took off my clothes and went to her. Once again, she pushed me away. She handed me something as she asked, “Do you know how to use this or do you need me to teach you?”
It was a condom. In my eager state, the sharp tone of her voice barely registered. After slipping on the condom, I quickly crawled to her side. I tried to find my bearings, but it clearly wasn’t working. Frostily, she sneered, “Hey! Do you even know what you’re doing?”
I said, of course I know, but could I trouble you to scoot over a bit? I want to study your body under the light. I heard a crash loud like a thunderclap in my ear. She had smacked me hard. I stood up, grabbed my clothes and bolted.
1 The Jingpo are an ethnic minority in northwest Burma and the adjacent parts of China.
2 The Dai are an ethnic minority native to China’s Yunnan province. Their language is related to the Thai and Laotian languages.