chapter 20

The next day in Ms. Meg’s class Derek takes out his board game family tree. It looks really good already, and it’s not even due for two more days. His mom helped him paint a square piece of cardboard purple, and all the spaces around the edge where the game pieces go they painted in white. He’s bent over our table writing on the game cards.

“When you land on a square that says Take Card, you pick a card and read about a family member. Then you get to add one of these plastic people to your side.” He hands me a tiny plastic figurine. “The person who has the most family members by the end wins.”

I guess I’m a huge loser, then.

“That’s so cool!” Candace gushes.

Candace’s project is full of pictures and is almost done too. She has two brown markers out to color the trunk of her tree.

I look down at the drawing I have in my notebook.

I grab one of Candace’s brown markers, clutch it tight in my fist, and press a fat X over my whole stupid family tree. I roll the marker back to Candace, and she and Derek are staring at me with huge eyes.

“What?” I say.

“Do you want me to help you start over?” Derek asks.

I lean back in my chair and bury my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt. “That’s impossible,” I say. “I don’t even know these people. I don’t have anyone to put on a family tree. Besides Grandpa.”

Derek moves his foot over next to mine under the table and nudges my Nike Air Griffeys with the toe of his Converse.

“You know me,” he says. “You could put me on there.”

Then the door creaks open and Ms. Gloria’s poking her head in. “I’m here for my crew.” She smiles at Ms. Meg and waves us out.

The weird thing is, I’m almost excited to talk to Alex. Maybe it’s because his life sucks too and maybe we could say no way to this stupid project together and it wouldn’t feel so bad. Or maybe it’s because it was a little scary when he sobbed yesterday and I’ve been hoping that his dad doesn’t die.

When we get to Ms. Gloria’s room we all sit down around the little table and Alex isn’t crying or anything but he looks like he could at any second.

“How’s your dad?” I ask.

“The same,” he answers. “He’s not going to get better, so the same isn’t the worst, I guess.”

I don’t know what to say so I just say, “Sorry,” and I do that thing that Derek does when I feel like crap. I slide my Nike Air Griffey toward his foot under the table and just leave it there, the sides of our shoes barely touching. Alex doesn’t kick me in the shin or anything, so I figure it makes him feel pretty OK too.

“There’s this counselor that comes to our house to talk to my mom and my brothers and me. He’s OK,” Alex says. “He told us it might be a good idea to write down the things we want to say to my dad and questions we want to ask him before—” His voice catches and his eyes fill up. “Before it’s too late, I guess.” He looks down.

“That sounds really hard,” Candace says.

Oscar leans forward and says in his whisper kind of voice, “Sorry.”

I realize that the talking wand is just lying in the middle of the table, and I think it really might be full of magic like Ms. Gloria said it was, because we’re all just talking now and everything is going fine. Alex isn’t being mean and no one is yelling or flicking bits of paper in anyone else’s hair.

And I usually don’t believe in magic, but if it does exist I wouldn’t be surprised if Ms. Gloria caught some and sprinkled it in with the purple glitter in the wand because instead of wanting to shove or slug Alex Carter I can actually kind of understand how he feels, even if just a little bit, because I want to ask my Grandpa some things before he forgets the answers. But it’s too late already. Every time I get to the topic he closes up tight.

“I’m proud of you all for opening up, and for your kindness to each other,” Ms. Gloria says. “Kindness is the only thing that can make some of our hurt go away.”

Then Alex turns to Candace. “Sorry I said you were fat before. You’re not. I was just mad, I guess.”

Then he’s looking at me. “I won’t call you Robin anymore.”

I want to ask him, and how about what you did to Derek? but I just stay shut because I don’t want to wreck his nice streak. It’s quiet for a while, but it doesn’t feel awkward. It feels pretty OK, actually.

Then Ms. Gloria ruins it. “Projects are due Thursday,” she says. “That’s two days! I can’t wait for your presentations. So let’s get to work.”

Candace and Oscar take out their projects quickly and get right to work on the finishing touches. Alex and I just sit there with our arms crossed and our hats pulled around in front of our faces and at the exact same time say, “I’m not doing it.”

It makes us giggle a little. Then we start cracking up and I try to stop, but I can’t. Alex laughs so hard he falls out of his chair and even Oscar starts cracking up too, and he laughs ten times louder than he talks, which makes me laugh even harder, and before I know it we’re all on the floor laughing so hard that we’re crying too.

At first Ms. Gloria has her no-nonsense voice on, trying to get us off the floor and back to work, but even she breaks and starts laughing and her laughs are these low, deep hoots that rise up from her belly and take over her whole body. She laughs and laughs with us until tears stream from her windshield-washer-blue eyes down her cheeks. We laugh and laugh until we can’t laugh anymore.

“Maybe laughter can help us through the hurt too,” Ms. Gloria wheezes. “Kindness and laughter.” She’s wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

We’re all nodding our heads and clutching our middles. My stomach burns and even my cheeks hurt from smiling so wide.

“And I don’t mean laughing at other people,” Ms. Gloria says, and she directs it right to Alex. “But laughing with others.”

Alex nods like he gets it, and I think he does. And I think I do too. Sometimes people feel so bad they want to make others feel worse. And sometimes people can be so angry at something inside that it spurts out everywhere, like a high-pressure radiator leak.

“Ms. Gloria, are you going to show us your family tree?” Candace asks.

She looks over toward her desk. “I can if you want,” she says, and reaches over for it. “I’m not quite done yet either.”

It’s turning out pretty cool. She glued all the birds on the poster board into a flying V across the sky and wrote names on the wings in black Sharpie marker. Gloria leads the flock. There’s still that one smaller bird who’s flying away from the V, off into the white of the poster board.

“Who’s that?” Oscar asks and points to the little bird flying off.

Ms. Gloria runs her finger over the outline of the little bird. “That’s my son, Devon.”

Ms. Gloria explains to us how she was the oldest of her siblings and always felt like she was helping to take care of them and lead them on a good path. “That’s why I made my family tree as a flying V. That’s me out front,” she says and points. “Leading the way.” She shows each of her siblings, the birds following behind her, and her other two children.

“Devon passed away when he was eight.” Her chin trembles when she tells us. “But I like to think of him flying high and making his own way.”

“I believe he is too,” Candace says. Ms. Gloria pats Candace on the back and smiles.

“In my next life, I’m coming back as a bird,” Ms. Gloria tells us. “That way I can sing to all the people who were great and kind, and poop on all the ones who weren’t.”

And maybe it’s because everything was feeling too sad and heavy or maybe it’s because our teacher said poop. But before we know it we’re all doubled over and bursting out laughing again.

“You better watch out!” Oscar blurts and points at Alex. “Someday when you’re an old man hobbling down the street, Ms. Gloria might poop on you if you don’t start being nice to everyone!”

And that gets us laughing even harder because Oscar is supposed to be the quiet one who whispers his responses and never says anything if he doesn’t have to, and now we’re picturing Ms. Gloria flying over Alex’s head and white poop splattering on his perfect blond flowy hair.

Ms. Gloria lets out big wheezes to catch her breath and says, “OK, OK, you crazy crew. Ms. Meg will kill me if you don’t have your projects ready for Thursday.” She points to Candace’s and Oscar’s projects. “Let’s get to work now.”

Candace and Oscar start right in, but they’re still giggling under their breath.

“I don’t have anything,” Alex says.

“Me neither.”

I show him the Xed out family tree sketched in my notebook. “I don’t even know these people, except for my grandpa.”

Alex leans in to look, and I can tell he wants to ask me a million things. Like why my grandpa’s black and I don’t look it. And how my mom died and if I have a dad. But he doesn’t ask, which is good because I don’t know most of the answers anyway and having these people on my project makes my whole family tree feel like a lie.

“I just don’t want to think about family right now,” Alex says, and pushes his notebook away from him across the table. Then his face gets sad and his voice gets shaky again. “But my dad always feels proud of me when I do my schoolwork.”

I’m trying not to but I can’t help picturing his dad and all the pills and the downstairs bed.

“We just have to do it, then,” I tell him. And I push his notebook back across the table.

Alex looks up at me. “OK.” Then he reaches out his hand and says, “It’s a pact. We’ll make our projects. Even if they stink.”

“They’re going to be so crappy,” I laugh. And that makes him giggle a little again too.

I reach out and we shake hands, like it’s the end of a long game that went into extra innings and we finally just called the game off because it got too dark.

“Thursday,” I say.

“Thursday,” he repeats.

Even though it’s bad, I’ll go home and copy my big lie family tree onto a piece of colored paper and be done with it. I didn’t say it was going to be good. Just done.

Then the bell’s ringing and it’s time for recess and all I want is third base and Derek backing me up.

Alex slaps me on the back. “Come on, I’ll let you bat first.”

And I’m feeling the best I can until I hear my name being called over the loudspeaker. “Robinson Hart, please report to the office. Robinson Hart to the office, please.”