Response to Wishes of the Person Who Has Died
We have seen in chapter 3 how it is useful to talk to the dying person about the sort of service he would want after he dies. There is value in knowing his wishes. However, his needs have to be balanced with the needs of family members.
The dying person’s instructions may have been recorded some time before and left with a family member, with a lawyer, in the church office, or at a funeral home. If the instructions are current and reasonable, they will be easy for the family members to carry out. The person who has died may have requested that the worship leader of his own church conduct the service, and he may have stated his choice of place: church, funeral home, or graveside. He may have suggested hymns and scripture readings, poems, photos, and other media ideas, and named family members who might speak (eulogize) at the service. All of this is useful information for the worship leader and will enable her to create a meaningful celebration or funeral service.
However, the instructions may be out of date or unreasonable; they may be challenging or even impossible for the family to implement. For example, the minister or priest of the church may be retired or may now be at another church, the hymns or songs may be no longer familiar to the congregation, and the photographs may be lost.
The key factor for the responsible family members to keep in mind is that it is they and not the person who has died who are responsible for the service. Though they will do the very best to respect the wishes of the deceased person, some of the instructions may not be possible to carry out, and some may not be wise to follow. If the family has to make changes to the instructions, this will probably make for a better service, and they need not feel badly about it.
In these secular times, it is not unusual for the person who has died to leave instructions that there is to be no service. This may seem like a full stop to the family. “Fred said that he wanted no service so we will carry out his wishes; we won’t have one.” For you as the pastoral caregiver or worship leader the no service directive will lead to some additional questions: “What was the reason for these instructions? Was Fred a person who had no time for religion?” He may have had a set of beliefs forced on him that were doctrinaire or unfeeling, or he may have met a person of faith who crossed him in love or business and so he put up barriers between him and a specific church. Or he may have been a most faithful person but with huge modesty, and knowing the work required to organize a funeral, have wanted to spare the minister and the catering group the time and trouble. In my pastoral experience, I remember Lucille. She had been a key person in organizing over a hundred funerals, but had left the specific instruction of no service for herself in a bid to save members from the same work that she had faithfully carried out for others.
Another reason (sometimes unstated) is the belief that the funeral will be expensive, and the deceased person had wanted to save family members the not insignificant expense.
Often the person who has died will have shared his reasons for no service with his next of kin. Take the trouble to talk with this person. It is essential to keep in mind that the family is not obligated to go without a service because their loved one has given these seemingly clear instructions. It is important to explore together with the family member how family members and good friends will feel if there is no opportunity to grieve together, to meet in a sacred place together, to worship together, and to have food and fellowship together. It is essential to point out that grief will not be denied, and often the service in church or funeral chapel provides an excellent opportunity to get started on the grief journey—essential if there are not to be emotional consequences in the future.
It is also helpful to make clear to the primary family member that as she has much to be thankful for in the life of her loved one, so there will be many others who will want to express their thanks and will want to hear thanks expressed on their behalf.
If the person has been a long-time member of the church, fraternal organization, or veteran’s group, then these communities will want to corporately give thanks and corporately grieve someone whose loss will diminish their community. To deny this expression in a public way is to deny a fundamental need when a loved one dies. You only have one life and one chance to give thanks for the whole of it, and the service provides this opportunity for family, friends, and for the communities of which she was a part to say goodbye.
However, if a religious service will not be meaningful to family members, then it may be appropriate to suggest that a secular celebration of life (such as those that follow in this book) or some secular/religious hybrid service may be the way to go.
If you discover that it is the expense of the funeral or celebration that is the reason for the no service directive, then there are ways in which the cost may be reduced. A first approach might be a discussion with the funeral home staff member. Some ways of reducing costs may include using family resources rather than those of the funeral home, e.g., flowers from a friend’s garden rather than the florist, family cars rather than the funeral home limos, and potluck food provided by friends and family members for the meal after the service. An additional way is having the minister and her helpers direct the service in the church rather than having the staff of the funeral home present during the service. Most ministers and pastoral charges will be ready to reduce fees or will be ready to receive no payment at all if the family is able to show need. Many funeral homes will also consider deferring payment.
With both funeral home and church it is helpful to be up front about the need to have an inexpensive funeral. The worship leader may be able to facilitate this.
The worship leader will sometimes encounter a situation where family members are determined to follow the no service directive whatever the reason for this instruction. If the person has been a significant member of the church family, then the faith community may choose to remember her in the Sunday service (e.g., including a eulogy and prayer of thanksgiving) or in a special service on another day of the week. In talking to the family about this, it will be helpful for the clergy or worship leader to relate the importance of the work and service that the person who has died gave to the faith community and the need for church members to grieve the loss of a valued member. The family will then be invited to the church celebration of life.