Suicide
One of the most troubling situations that may be encountered is when the family member who has died took her own life. In my experience these have usually been young people, but increasingly these days older people in terrible pain and distress seek to bring their life to an end. This death is of another dimension from that of a death from cancer, stroke, or accident and affects family members and friends in a profound way and may affect the pastoral caregiver significantly as well.
As a pastoral caregiver it would be most useful if you recognized the special understanding required in handling suicide deaths and prepared for this situation by attending a course such as those offered by the Living Works organization. The following comment from the Suicide Prevention Resource Center is helpful in understanding the background to suicide:
Those who take their own lives are often suffering from some form of mental illness. Those who end their lives do not act out of moral weakness or a character flaw, as some used to think. They are nearly always suffering from intense psychological pain from which they cannot find relief. In 90 percent of suicides, this pain may be associated with a brain illness, such as depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder, and is often complicated by alcohol or other drug abuse.1
The illness may have existed for some time or it may have come about recently. These people are often not able to make rational choices, the way most people are able to do. There are effective treatments for these brain illnesses, but too often people suffering with this psychological pain are not able to (or choose not to) find access to those treatments. In some instances, even when treatment is given, it is not enough to prevent the suicide.
In a proportion of cases, suicidal acts are responses, sometimes impulsive responses, to difficult life situations, however temporary those situations may be. Even very close family members and friends may not have had sufficient awareness of the issues to understand the true severity of the crisis.2
One service I was asked to conduct was for a young man who moved to a major city far from home. Abe had lost his job, had no friends, and was in severe financial difficulties. He could see no way out of his stressful situation and took his own life. His supportive family would have been more than willing to help him out if they had known the dire straits he was in, but in his disturbed state he kept his difficulties to himself and could see no way out of them.
Some suicidal individuals go to great lengths to hide evidence of their self-destructive plans, and some show their intent in various ways. However, the signs of self-destruction are difficult to recognize for a variety of reasons. So when you get the comment, “What could I have done to prevent this?” which is usually articulated by at least one family member, it is probably fair to respond, “Not very much,” and give the reasons—as explained above—why it is very hard to determine whether the family member has been planning to take his own life or not.
It is helpful to get the language right when in conversation with the family and when preparing and giving the meditation.
Although common English usage includes the phrases “committed suicide,” “successful suicide,” and “failed attempt,” these should be avoided because of their connotations. For instance, the verb “committed” is usually associated with sins or crimes. It is more helpful to understand the phenomenon of suicide as the worst possible outcome of mental health or behavioural health problems as they are manifested in individuals, families, and communities. Along the same lines, a suicide should never be viewed as a success, nor should a non-fatal suicide attempt be seen as a failure. Such phrases as “died by suicide,” “took his life,” “ended her life,” or “attempted suicide” are more accurate and less offensive.”3
Note: there will sometimes be pressure on the worship leader not to mention the word “suicide” or even not to say that the person has, “taken her own life.” This pressure is to be avoided. If there is an obituary in the paper the euphemism “died suddenly” is often used, but in most cases the word is usually out and friends and family members are aware that this is not a sudden death due to illness. The net result of not mentioning the word “suicide” or not indicating that the person has taken his or her own life is to bring an air of unreality to the service or celebration. The worship leader who is asked to cover up a suicide would do well to refuse and to let the family find someone else to take the service.
There is currently much controversy over the legal right of a person to end his own life because he is in unrelieved pain. That is when healthy living is no longer possible and troubled existence is the reality. In this situation, the pastoral caregiver is in an excellent place as an unbiased observer to enable the person who is in pain and his family members to express their feelings to one another and to bring as much comfort as possible to both the one in pain and his loved ones.
There is a need to avoid anything in the meditation that could encourage vulnerable persons in the congregation to model the suicidal behaviour. This will be especially important in the case of a funeral for a young person. Consequently, it is important not to glamorize the current state of “peace” the deceased may have found through death. It is useful to remember that there may be persons who are dealing with psychological pain or suicidal thoughts and the idea of finding peace or escape through death may make the idea of suicide attractive to them. In the same way there should be no sense in which suicide should be shown in such a light as to appear as a reasonable response to particularly distressful life circumstances.
Instead, make a clear distinction, and even separation, between the positive accomplishments and qualities of the deceased and his or her final act. Make the observation that although the deceased is no longer suffering or in turmoil, we would rather she or he had lived, and lived in a society that understood those who suffer from mental or behavioural health problems and supported those who seek help for those problems without a trace of stigma or prejudice.4
Make specific suggestions that will unite the community around the purpose of caring for one another more effectively. Also, ask the young people to look around and notice adults on whom they can call for help in this or other times of crisis, such as teachers, counsellors, youth leaders, and sports coaches. Consider pointing out specific adults who are known to be particularly caring and approachable. Note the desire of these adults to talk and listen to anyone who is feeling down or depressed or having thoughts of death or suicide. In the course of this discussion, endeavour to normalize the value of seeking professional help for emotional problems in the same way one would seek professional help for physical problems.
The worship leader has a unique opportunity in the meditation to speak to other young persons about the value of life and the burden that is laid on those who are family members and close friends of the person who has taken her own life.
1 After a Suicide (Suicide Prevention Resource Center, 2004). Reproduced with permission.
2 Ibid.
3 Ibid.
4 Ibid.