Death of a Child
The death of a child is the most difficult of all bereavement situations. It is of a whole other dimension compared with the losses of other family members and friends. There is not only the loss of a so well-loved member of the family circle, but also the loss of all that the child might have done and become, all the experiences of life with its joys and sorrows that are no longer possible. The desolation and feelings of loss are often overwhelming to the surviving moms and dads.
You may have to talk with parents who have lost a baby in a crib death, who have lost a boy or girl through an accident at home or through illness, or parents who have lost a teenager in a car crash. It will be some of the most difficult pastoral work that you will ever do.
You will have to be ready for a whole range of feelings experienced by the parent or parents. For some, it will be sheer disbelief that the child is gone forever, even if her death was expected. For other moms and dads there will be guilt feelings over actions taken or not taken that could have resulted in her life being saved. A sense of guilt is not all bad since for some parents it provides a reason for their loss and therefore gives them a sense of control over it.
For some, there will be a sense of the unfairness that their son or daughter has died while other children of their friends or family members are still happy and healthy; for others it will be anger, even anger at God for what has happened and a consequent loss of faith. As one bereaved parent said to me, “If God can allow my son to be run over by a car, what is the good of worshipping God?”
It is not just the parents that will have been affected. There may be brothers and sisters and loving grandparents who will be suffering in different ways through the loss. What can you do as a pastoral caregiver to help the family?
For a start, you are a safe person to whom they can turn to express their deepest feelings in absolute confidence. You are there for them no matter what happens, and this will be strength at a time of great vulnerability and fear, for they can speak to you of everything that is on their mind. This is the most valuable gift you bring to the pastoral conversation—the ability to hear what is on the mind of the parent or parents. You will listen attentively and you will not put limits on the time you are available to them.
When working in a pastoral care role, it is useful to note the different gender response where there has been a miscarriage or where a baby has died shortly after birth. The mother has had an intimate relationship with the child since conception; she knows the baby’s ways and personality, and the loss is of a person, a small and not yet developed person, but a person none the less. For the father, the loss is still huge, but will not be so personal or devastating. There is the sense of the loss of all that the child might have become, but the idea that “We can have another child” can come creeping in. There is a danger that if another child is conceived shortly after the death of a baby, the child will be seen as “replacement” and treated as the deceased child would have been, rather than as a unique little one in his or her own right.
A word of caution! If in your conversation with a parent or parents you are encountering extreme feelings of depression or sadness that have not been shared with others, and especially if you hear of a desire by one parent to take his or her own life, then you should encourage the bereaved person to see a doctor. The key here is serious intent. One person may say, “I feel so miserable, I wish I could end it all,” without any intent to follow through, but if the bereaved person reveals a thought-out plan to take his or her own life, then you must inform the appropriate authorities. In a situation of extreme depression or emotional turmoil, it is important that the pastoral caregiver is aware of her own limitations and refers the person promptly.
In spite of your listening and presence with the family, it will not be possible for you to feel fully the pain of the parents. This can only be done by persons who have gone through the same experience. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is one of several organizations that enable bereaved parents to help other bereaved parents. The empathy generated in such groups is health bringing to parents who have the feeling that in their loss they are alone, the only ones to have had a child die. They say, “Who else can understand the terrible feelings of loss and pain that we have suffered?” When they hear the words “I can!” and listen to the account of how another beloved child enjoyed life, and then died or was killed, and the devastation that has followed for a family like their own, there is a unique compassion that flows. There is a fellow feeling that heals and sustains.
In these groups, the names of the deceased children are used frequently, and stories of their lives remembered and recounted. Many parents will find this to be in sharp contrast to the family circle where family members will avoid mentioning the name of the child or the telling of activities and funny stories for fear of stirring up repressed emotions. It is a reminder to you, the pastoral caregiver, to speak of the boy or girl who has died by name and not to be afraid of retelling stories that you remember from your own experience or that of your faith community.
As with other self-help groups, it is not the expert in their midst who is looked up to as the source of all wisdom, but people like themselves who speak directly from their own experience of loss. The parents helped in this way will find that in time they will be able to help others who are in the hard place of bereavement.
Two key factors in the success of these groups are that members are able to talk in complete confidence and that it is initially complete strangers who are encountered. There is no need for polite introductory chit chat or catching up with family news. The grieving parent is able to get down to what is on his mind—the death of his well-loved child.
In some groups, the self-help process is supplemented by lectures, videos, and question and answer sessions, but the core activity is the sharing of experience from parent to parent. These groups are not perfect; for example, parents might encounter dominant personalities who tell them exactly what they should do. However, generally these groups will be sources of healing and understanding.
One of the actions you can take as someone new to the area is to compile a list of appropriate self-help groups in your neighbourhood so you are ready to refer when the time comes. It is also useful to ask around about counsellors who are prepared to work with bereaved parents on a one-on-one basis. If you are asking around, it is worthwhile to determine those counsellors whose clients have had helpful outcomes and those whose clients have been less satisfied.
Now all this is great if you live in an area where there is a chapter of a TCF or a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) group, where the parents of children who have died are able to get together and talk of their loss. What happens if you are a pastoral caregiver in a rural area and there is no self-help group around? The same principle applies. Find someone who has gone through the experience as the grieving parent and encourage them to share on a one-on-one or parent-with-parent basis. Social workers who have this as their working area and a family doctor may be sources of information about those who have lost a child and may welcome the chance to help their patients or clients in this way.
If you discover there is an unmet need in your area for a self-help group for the death of an unborn baby, a crib death, the death of a child or teenager, you could be the one to organize an initial meeting.
If you find yourself challenged by pastoral care in this area or by the needs of dying or bereaved persons, then you may respond to the challenge as a call to undergo some additional training. Organizations that can help you with this training include the Canadian Association for Spiritual Care and The Association for Clinical Pastoral Education (USA).
Where the child has been in school, there will be a need of the classmates of the child who has died to have counselling available, and most school districts or areas provide this. The administrator of the school district should be contacted if this service is not available.
As you talk to the parents about the loss of their school-age child, it will be prudent for you to be thinking about the school-age children who are coming to the service—what their needs will be, what scripture passages and other readings will speak to them, and how the vocabulary will have to be pitched at a lower grade level than usual. You may want to ask if another child or parent or teacher could be called to speak about the child who has died. Even a few carefully chosen words from individuals close to the child who has died will have a major impact for good.