Children and Their Grief
As the worship leader in the pastoral care role, you will often become aware of and know the children who are affected by the dying and death of a parent.
If a parent is dying and the child wants to see him, then the child should be given the opportunity and the time she needs to be with the parent. If the parent is connected up to equipment that makes breathing easier or reduces pain, then one of the nursing staff should be encouraged to tell the child in simple language what is going on.
If the child doesn’t want to come to the hospital, then it is fine to leave him at home with a compassionate friend. Undue persuasion will be counterproductive.
It is necessary to include the child in the grief process. Children experience stress and deep sorrow if they are excluded or ignored after the death of a cherished family member. Where it is the child’s mom or dad who has died, the surviving partner is often the focus of much attention from family members or friends. There will be friends and family dropping by who are usually seldom there, the TV may be turned off, the usual games not possible, and the iPad hidden away. The result of this new pattern of activity in the home is to disrupt the normal family routine established over the years, and it may be deeply troubling to the child.
What the child is wanting at this challenging time is consistent parental warmth and discipline, and when she receives this, she will respond positively to the new situation however challenging and disruptive it may be. If the surviving parent is not coping well with her own grief, then the child likely will not cope well with hers and may act out. What will help the child best is a surviving parent who is tuned in to her grief and responds directly to the expressed feelings and behaviours.
The death of a parent may be disturbing from a number of points of view. The stress may be financial as well as emotional, and there may be thoughts of moving away from the neighbourhood. The role of the pastoral caregiver can be to encourage the surviving parent to involve the child or children in the bereavement situation and to pay loving attention to them. There may well be questions about death and dying, and the parent will do well to answer them directly and honestly without giving any more information than is required.
This is a time when, in children’s story terms, the “Snow White” approach, where the apparently dead princess is kissed and restored to life, is not helpful. Better the “Old Yeller” story where the well-loved dog, after its fight with the wolf, has to be shot, where death is seen as final and irreversible, the way things are in the real world.
And games are important, for the world of children is a world of play. When children are playing, one often assumes that they are okay, that they aren’t “getting it,” or that they don’t understand. Adults also err by not allowing children to play at times of stress and death. For example, a parent might scold a child by saying, “How can you be out playing when grandma has just died?” However, play is how children work out what they are feeling. Children will also “dose” grief; that is, they will focus on the grief for a small amount of time, then continue with their normal activities and return to the grief later. So the pastoral caregiver can have a role in encouraging the child to play, for while playing, she may work out some of her grief feelings. The pastoral caregiver may also encourage the parent to let the child have fun in her usual playful ways.
When adults are caught up in their grieving, it may be difficult for them to be aware of the needs of the children who also are grieving, so the pastoral caregiver has a role in giving neighbours and friends of the bereaved parent permission to pay careful attention to children. This opportunity to have children’s grieving needs on a par with those of the adults is something the children may initially seem to want to avoid, yet many of them will at heart long to be included. There are conflicting emotions at work here. While some will long to be hugged and cuddled, others will want to feel free to cry or to express anger. Some will want to run away and hide, while others will want to appear to be “strong.” So the pastoral caregiver should encourage friends and family members to take notice of the children and allow them to express their own feelings—in their own time and in their own way. One thing is for sure, children are remarkable in sharing their feelings when given space, acceptance, and safety.
When it comes to planning a service, it is good for the pastoral caregiver to include children and to listen carefully to their questions, their comments, and their memories about the person who has died. It will be helpful to include them in the service. If possible, it will be helpful to involve them in the ritual—lighting candles, telling stories that relate to them, using their ideas, and giving them a special place. Always give them the opportunity to attend the service.