Speaking about the Deceased
When the worship leader returns home from visiting the family, he will take time to be quiet and pray and will read through the material he gathered at his meeting with the family a couple of times. He will then determine what makes up the core values of the person who has died and what theme emerges from stories family members told around the room. It is helpful to leave this information to settle overnight before writing the meditation.
As a result of talking with the family, there are two situations in which the worship leader may find herself. She may be responsible for crafting the meditation to include information about the life of the person who has died, or there may be a eulogist who is responsible for this, and so her meditation will focus on the way chosen scripture resonates with the life of the deceased.
These days, since there is often a eulogist, I arrange two parts as the worship leader. In the first part of the meditation, it is good to centre on the fact of the death of the person and our need to say “goodbye” to her. The first part of the meditation also provides an opportunity to introduce the theme and leads to the eulogy. Here is an example:
Readings: Luke 11:34–36 and Romans 8 (selected verses)
We are privileged people, for we meet to celebrate Connie, one who was gracious and caring, whose long and good life was a light to many, an inspiration to those who knew her, one whose love touched each friend and family member.
As you know, Connie died quickly and though for her it was a blessing that she was spared the struggle of poor health, for us it is tough because we did not have the time we wanted to visit her, and to linger thoughtfully over our goodbyes and express them directly to her. There is much thanks and many good memories that we would have liked to share if only we had had the opportunity, and we are aware that we are going to miss her so much in the weeks ahead.
“If then your whole body is full of light…it will be as full of light as when a lamp gives you light with its rays” (Luke 11:36) wrote Luke in his gospel, and we are going to hear now of that loving light. We will hear from Joe, her son, and Phyllis, her daughter, who have experienced that light because of their closeness to Connie, but also as family members who reflect that light.
The second part of the meditation includes a word of thanks to the person/persons who have given the eulogy, addresses the loss that has been suffered, and acknowledges the need of those gathered to deal in a positive way with the grief they feel. There is a call to congregational members to support the grieving family. Then follows a reference to the faith life and practice of the person who has died, leading to the note of resurrection hope of the life that will begin when this one ends. The meditation ends with an assurance that the love and peace of God will be the ultimate destiny of the deceased.
Joe, Phyllis, you have given your last and best gift to us and to your mother, the gift of loving memories. What you have done is so difficult, but we are deeply grateful. You were so good to your mother in those last few days and so caring. The two of you, with your sister Bridget and brother Ralph, were there when your mother needed you; you could not have done more. Your children and members of the wider family circle are in the thoughts and prayers of everyone here, as are those who cannot be with us today, but are with us in spirit. It is because you loved Connie so much that you miss her so much and feel her loss so acutely, and I challenge you to put into words your deepest feelings about Connie and to share them with a good friend or minister, someone you can trust.
We have heard how Connie was the most positive and practically helpful person to be with. She looked for the best in everyone she met and because she looked for the best, she usually found it. Connie was both delightful and enlightening and the source of her radiance is not hard to find as she was a person of faith, a living faith with an active edge—shopping and caring for a neighbour who had tripped on the ice, providing a loving home for grandchild Susan when her mom had to go into hospital for a short stay. (You might add: “You have your own stories, shout them out!”) She was reluctant to talk about the Jesus whose way she followed, but she was absolutely sure that God had work for her to do and was absolutely ready to do it. It was the way of Jesus that illuminated her path, the compassionate and just way. “What can separate us from that loving light?” Paul might almost have written. (See the passages from Romans 8.)
I am convinced that Connie could face the end of her life with such grace, with such an uplifted spirit because she knew beyond any doubt that death was a stopping-off place before she reached an existence where the infirmities of this life are over forever. You know as I know that because of her faith the prospect of death left her unafraid.
We who are left on the earth side of death rejoice that Connie has entered into the peace of God that passes all understanding, the peace that is ahead for us when this life draws to a close for us. We are sad, we are very sad that her light will not lighten our lives again, but we are challenged to let our light shine in our particular corner of the world with that same faithful intensity that embraced God’s servant, Connie. Amen.
In this situation, there were family eulogies, but where there are not, the worship leader has the responsibility to include a sketch of the person who has died. It will be good if she is able to retell some family stories to make clear what he was like. Where the worship leader has had a personal or faith community relationship with the person who has died, it is helpful to include some of her own stories. The stories of the life and work of the person in the faith community fit naturally in the second part of the meditation.
The word “eulogy” is not one we use much in everyday life. It comes from the Greek, meaning “good words.” When it is used in the context of a funeral or life celebration, these good words are often spoken by a family member or close friend of the family about the person who has died.
The person who is giving the eulogy is in a tough spot, for she has to forgo her time of grieving in the service and speak of her loved one. I often say that the words that we hear are “grace to us,” that is, they are a freely offered and wonderful gift. They do not have to be polished or clever or intellectually profound, but they do have to come from the heart, and if they do, they will be received and treasured and will be the means through which others in the congregation are encouraged to tell their own stories and remember with their own joy and tears the person who has died.
I like to think of the eulogy in terms of art. It is not an entirely accurate picture of the life of the person who has died, with all the details carefully filled in, but a quick study, a sketch, an impression of the person as he was seen by the one chosen to give the eulogy. The great eulogist can be compared to an insightful impressionist painter, a Renoir or a Degas.
In contemporary services, it is commonplace for family members or good friends to be asked to talk about the person who has died. There is value in having a close family member or good friend do this as they speak from personal knowledge, and there is an authentic ring to their words. They will be able to share a wealth of stories that quite naturally point to the core values, priorities, and loves of their beloved one.
There are some challenges. The close bond of family will mean that there will be an emotional content to the talk that may get in the way of a straightforward delivery. A son or daughter may be overcome with emotion when speaking of their mother or father and have to stop talking during the eulogy or in the worst case, be so distraught that they are unable to continue. The worship leader needs to be ready for this.
Usually, the family member will know if she will be able to speak. If she is hesitant or feels that she will dread the event, support her feeling that this task is not for her. Give her the alternative of writing a script that another brother or sister might read or that you as worship leader might read. Better still, have a member of the wider family circle speak for all and have the close family members collaborate as the talk is put together.
If the speaker has not spoken at the service of a close relative before, the worship leader might want to say something like “Francis, you do not need to feel you have to speak at your mother’s service and that is quite okay. (Give him time to respond!) It will be wonderful if you are able to do this because I know you were so close to her, and your words will be a very special gift to us all. You may find that you get choked up with emotion as you speak. Don’t worry. Simply stop, get yourself together, and then go on. Everyone will understand if you have to stop. If you find that you are unable to continue, then have a script available, and one of your sisters will carry on from where you left off or I can read it for you.”
Often, you will be asked about a suitable length of time for the talk or talks. I would encourage the eulogy not to exceed 12 minutes in total. This would allow for three family members or friends to speak for four minutes each. The problem is that as worship leader you have no control over the length of the talks. I have had family members promise to limit their talk to three minutes, then speak for an average of 15 minutes each. The worship leader might say something like “There is so much to say about your dad so I know you will find it difficult to keep your three talks to 12 minutes, but you know what it is to listen to a long speech or sermon. Better have the people wanting more than have them restless in their seats.”
You could encourage the family to e-mail their scripts to you well ahead of the service. If, after reading the content, it is apparent that they will run over the allotted time, you could point out the time overrun, suggest that some of the material be left out, and even suggest the areas where changes might be made. Sometimes, the worship leader will have been a good friend of the deceased and can speak from his time with her, incorporating his thoughts with those of the family in different places in the service. For example, during the final section about the hope of a life after this one ends, it might be appropriate to speak of the life of the person in the faith community—the areas she served including some stories of her faithful service.
If this concern about time limits seems a problem to the family it may be appropriate to have an open mike and allow anyone who wishes to speak without limit. In this case, it is good to warn the congregation with something like “We will be having an open mike, and anyone here is free to share their stories about Frank. We realize that for some of you, sitting for a long time will be tiring, so feel free to get up and walk around and help yourself to a cup of coffee.” As an alternative, the worship leader may schedule a formal break in the proceedings and invite the congregation to stretch their legs and have the musician play when it is time to return.
At the end of the day, the length of time that chosen family members and friends take with their memories and eulogies is beyond your control. All you can do is ensure that the congregation has the opportunity between speakers to stretch, take a drink of water, and if necessary leave the service.
Many of the comments outlined above will apply to the task of writing a eulogy, but also you will have your own experience with the deceased. Before anything else, write down on a single sheet of paper your thoughts and some stories that come immediately to mind. Don’t dwell on what you are doing; just let the memories flow. Then take a look at what you have written and see if a theme comes to mind. It could be that Frank was a gardener or a loving grandparent or that a feature of his life was welcoming strangers, or that Louise was a fisher or a quilter and a feature of her life was helping those who were starting off in new ventures.
You don’t have to discover a theme, but remember that this is not a biography but an impressionist sketch, and a strong theme may provide the framework that enables the eulogy to come together.
Having done your own preliminary work, take it to the gathered family, thank them for their confidence in you as the eulogist, and share your first thoughts and theme and encourage them to do likewise. Remind them that it is the stories, not the facts, that will be remembered long after the service is over, and encourage them to share the stories that mean most to them and are most typical of the loved one who has died.
Your role in this situation will be less to ask direct questions and more to keep the conversation rolling and to interrupt when you need clarity or expansion on a topic that is central to the life that is being explored. “That story about Frank leaving his safe job in the bank for one as an accountant with a start up plastics company is a fascinating one. It seems like taking risks to have a satisfying life was one of the marks of his life. Are there any similar stories you remember?”
As you listen there will be some questions you will have in mind—some you will express aloud and others you will not, e.g., What was Frank’s childhood like? Was it a joyful time or a struggle? And how did he relate to his mother and his father? Did he make friends easily, and does he still have the friends he made as a child or as a teen? What were his interests as a young person and where did he go to have fun?
How did Louise enjoy school, and what subjects and sports interested her most? Where did Louise meet her partner, and is there a story about their first meeting? What did Louise and her partner enjoy doing together, and where were they married? What was the work that Louise trained to do, and where did she work first? Was work more important than leisure activities or were social groups and outings more important than work?
What were Frank’s leisure groups—bowling, hockey, the Royal Canadian Legion, softball, drama, painting? Did Frank take a leadership role in them? What jobs did Frank have in his working career, and how did he feel about his work? Did Frank enjoy leadership or did he prefer to have a defined and predictable role? How many children did Frank have, and how did he relate to them? Did he share equally the parenting role or was his partner the primary caregiver? What did the family enjoy doing together? (Family stories are always well received.)
Did Louise have just one partner in life or two or more? If more than one, how did they part? Death or divorce? How did she relate to her partners? Did Louise have a pet, and was the pet an important factor in her life?
Was Frank a churchgoer and if so, what part did he play in the local and area faith communities? (The worship leader will probably deal with this.)
What was Frank and Louise’s state of health during their life and what part did it play in their life? Was keeping fit, running, or walking important to them? What was the cause of their death? How did they die? Easily and peacefully? Painfully? Fearfully?
If you are well prepared, you will have more material than you need, so the next task is to read through your notes a couple of times and evaluate what is most important and what fits in with the theme you have chosen. Highlight the stories and the phrases that will be heartfelt by the congregation and will cause them to say, “Yes, that was the Frank that I knew!”
When it comes to the framework of the eulogy, the introduction should set the scene for what follows.
A story that encapsulates the theme of the person’s life is the best way and will immediately draw the attention of the gathered family and friends. Another way is to find a short phrase that briefly and succinctly sums up the life. The following is how I summed up my mother’s life: “Mom enjoyed life and loved her home. She was a happy person whose happiness was infectious. She was a hospitable person whose hospitality was a byword…”
As you begin to write the main part of the eulogy, remember it is you who are speaking first and foremost from your own experience, so don’t be afraid to use “I” statements, e.g., “I first met John when we were in the Cub Scouts; I remember that the Cub leader despaired of us ever mastering the reef knot.”
If you have a good story from the family to use, then give the name of the family member who told it to you, e.g., “Ian, Frank’s youngest son, tells of how…” and make sure that you have the story right by getting the family member to check it prior to the service. As you are writing, keep asking yourself, “Is this important to the chosen theme, and does what I have written reflect the values of Frank’s life?” If the person who has died had a poem or passage of scripture that was important to him or a phrase that he had in a prominent place in his kitchen or work room, then consider using that as a part of the eulogy. You do not have to be grammatically correct in every detail; use the words that come from your heart rather than the ones that sound impressive, but make sure if you use slang terms or swear words that you keep them relevant and to a minimum. One other concern: off-colour jokes are not acceptable at a funeral.
There are three ways commonly used to end the eulogy, all of which speak of how the person who has died will be missed and how they will be remembered. Probably the best way is to use a story that summarizes the theme you have chosen to describe the person’s life and leave it at that, although these stories are hard to come by!
The second way is to find some good words to sum up the life of the person and affirm how much they will be remembered, e.g., “Frank taught us so much about the giving of talent and ability to help others. His influence will live on among us for the rest of our lives. We will miss him so much.”
The third way is to speak to Frank as if he were present in the hall or sanctuary with the guests or congregants, e.g., “Frank, you have taught us through your life about how to use our God-given talents. We will try to follow your example. We will miss you so much.”
Remember that the key to writing eulogies is to use stories, but also to keep to what is essential and to write from the heart! When you have finished writing, show the finished draft to a family member and get her to check it through. If you have any doubts about the facts or the stories, check them out with the person who gave you the material.
Some of the best eulogies I have heard have been those written when the family members got together before the service and, over hot chocolate or a bottle of wine, worked on a combined family eulogy. This avoids four or five members taking time at the service by recalling the same stories or recounting the same family events.
This process requires a “captain” for the eulogy team and a fair degree of co-operation among the participating members. It will be effective, not just because duplication is avoided, but also because one story from one family member sparks memory of another story and another situation. It is important for the team captain to have an idea of the time allocated by the worship leader for the family eulogy, and if this limit is to be exceeded, to give notice of the total time to the worship leader.
It is one thing to write a faithful eulogy, but until the “good words” are delivered, it isn’t a eulogy! If you are the sort of person who is able to speak with a minimum of notes, then assemble the notes, find a quiet place, and deliver the eulogy—to the mirror, to the cat, or to a family picture. Speak slowly and as clearly as you are able, and then try it out on your spouse or find a good friend or trusted family member and deliver the eulogy to them, asking the questions “Was I too fast or too slow or just right?” and “What did you understand from the words I spoke as the central theme of Louise’s life?”
If you are in any doubt about your ability to remember what you want to say, then deliver the eulogy from a full set of notes. If you are new to eulogy delivery, ask to have a voice rehearsal in the hall or sanctuary ahead of the service or celebration. Make sure that you have the sound system switched on, but remember that a room full of people will deaden the sound, and you may have to speak louder.
Before the service, test out the mike, and if it is not working, check with the worship leader or the sound technician to get it operational. Ask someone at the back of the room to check the sound level and to tell you if your voice appears to be too loud or too soft.