Before the Service
Pre-funeral Gathering (Visitation)
A gathering before the funeral or life celebration, either at the funeral home or church, is often suggested by the funeral director and has more than one purpose. Traditionally, it was an opportunity to visit with or see the body of the deceased and to understand that the person you knew well, laughed with, ate food with, played hockey with, shared friendship with, is indeed dead. The presence of the body is a reality check. There is value in doing this, but if the body lying in the casket does have significant differences from the person when they were alive—clothing, hairstyle, or skin tone—the last impression may be one that people wish they had not seen.
This gathering time is an occasion to visit with close family members and give condolences, share stories, and exchange good memories. Increasingly today, there is an urn or a closed casket present, in which case, the nature of the gathering changes. There is still the opportunity for folk to realize that their loved one or friend has gone forever and a time to offer sympathy to close family members, but with food and drink provided it becomes an occasion for reunion, especially for those from out of town.
In the Roman Catholic tradition, public prayers are offered for the person who has died and for the family and other mourners, and though this is a practice found in other denominations, it does not happen often. What does happen in certain parts of Canada is that the casket is brought from the funeral home to the local church. Before the public gathering, family members meet, often only with their priest or minister, to view the body of their loved one, and prayers are offered by the minister or priest.
As the worship leader, you may be asked whether the public gathering is needed, and you need to be ready with your reply.
In some parts of Canada, it is tradition. A funeral is not a funeral unless there is a gathering before the service—an informal way for community and church members to connect, tell stories, and share both laughter and tears.
In our increasingly urban society, there is neither the time nor the inclination of many families for a pre-funeral gathering. Certainly the family will want to see the body of their loved one if they have not done so before, but they can do this privately in the funeral home with or without their minister present. A public gathering is seen as an additional end-of-life cost with nothing achieved that cannot be achieved at a reception directly after the service.
The old saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” has some truth to it. There has long been a tradition of having a collage of family pictures at the back of the sanctuary or in the refreshment hall. The congregants love to look at the family pictures. To see the snapshots of the deceased person on the beach or at a family gathering is usually to see them enjoying themselves, relaxed and having fun. We are able to identify with these situations. So why not go one step further and have a video playing at the same time as the eulogies are being delivered? Modern digital technology makes it possible to use the screen on which the hymn words and prayers are displayed to project still or moving pictures while the eulogies are in progress.
Skype or Streamed in Real Time
There was a time when the only people who could be present for a service were those in the congregation, but times have changed. At a recent service in our church not only were congregants in our town present, but also grandchildren in Australia and India were watching the service on Skype. Laptop computers were set up in the sanctuary, and the grandchildren were able to be a part of the service although they were thousands of miles away.
Current technology allows the services to be broadcast online and viewed in real time through streaming video, and though it is yesterday’s technology, it is also easy to record the service on a CD, burn copies, and send them to family members unable to be present.
The role of the worship leader is to bring these possibilities to the attention of the family and to be sure which ones are available to them. Always make sure that the transmission is tested by a competent technician or family member before the service begins and that the technician monitors transmission during the service time.
“When you think of Dad, what first comes to mind?” The response to this question will often be an article of clothing or an object that speaks of the leisure interests of the one who has died, e.g., “When I think of Dad, I think of him wearing that dreadful old hat, working in the garden with a spade that has half the handle missing” or “When I think of Mom, I think of her picking those wild daisies at the cottage wearing that pepper spray can to keep the bears away.” Iconic physical items worn and carried have a place alongside the photographs of Mom/Dad on the communion table or at least at the front of the sanctuary. If Dad was never happier than when he was canoeing, why not have his canoe brought in and placed at the front of the sanctuary? The image of the physical object will be remembered long after the most eloquent words spoken have been lost from memory.
In these days a laptop computer or cellphone may be the items to have at the front of the sanctuary. If the cellphone is called at a predetermined time, it will never be forgotten!
For the service leader, there may be a need to raise the issue of what is acceptable in the sanctuary and what is not. The girlie calendar that Dad always kept behind the workshop door would not be acceptable, neither would the apron with the words “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” that Mom got on a “Red Hats” trip to Sin City! Having said this, the worship leader should go the extra mile to accommodate the wishes of the family.
One of the tasks that the family usually takes care of when they arrive at the church on the day of the service is to set up the table with flowers, a photograph of the loved one who has died, and the iconic object or objects. It is good to fill in the before-the-service time in this practical way. One of the problems is that the candles and cross may get obscured or moved somewhere else. It is the worship leader’s task to make sure they have their traditional and prominent place on the communion table. If space is an issue, the worship leader will be able to find a table that can be set up adjoining the communion table on which family photos and objects may be placed.
Both my partner, Kathy, and I have had requests from dog owners to have well-loved pets present during the service/celebration and have made that possible. If the dog is well behaved, why not? The son of a person who had died brought his father’s cherished mongrel to the front of the church for the time he gave the eulogy. The dog stood at the side of the lectern as good as gold while the son spoke and trotted back to the front pew when the speaking time was over. On another occasion, the person who had died was instrumental in starting a pet visitation program in a local old folks’ home.
To make sure that those with allergies to dogs are alerted, it would be wise to have a notice about dogs being in the sanctuary both in the newspaper notice and in a prominent posting on the door of the church.
If the person who has died has been a member of a fraternal organization, that group may feel that it is appropriate to hold their own service at the same time as the celebration/service you are responsible for. One of the office holders may contact you or a family member and say, “We usually have a short service before or after the family service.” The more assertive leaders will put the request across in a way that leaves you feeling there is no way you can refuse. The family members may decide to give their assent or are quite within their rights to say, “No, we don’t want that, but we will be happy if the group comes to the service with their customary uniform or dress.” They may wish to invite the group to act as honorary pallbearers. If the approach is made directly to you, the worship leader, you should discuss the request with the family member who is your contact person.
If the family members are happy with the organization having their own service, it should preferably be carried out before the family service. Ask the group contact person how long the service will last, and discourage any service that exceeds 10 minutes. There may be resistance to this, but if so, offer to work with the group to edit the service for length. Discourage a eulogy as you have no control over the length of this tribute to the deceased. Some speakers can speak wonderfully and concisely, but others may go on and on and say very little.
If there is a time during the evening before the service when the family is receiving friends at the funeral home or in the church, suggest that the fraternal organization service be held then.
As we have seen, a whole lot of preparatory work has been done ahead of the day of the celebration or funeral. The worship leader has a range of practical tasks not only to make sure that she is able to offer a worthy service, but also to make sure that those who come to the service are welcomed and treated well. There are variations of the practical work that has to be done by the worship leader, depending on whether the service is in her church or held at another location. The amount of work will also be less if the funeral home is involved and especially if the funeral home’s chapel is used for the service.
I have detailed the specific tasks in appendix 1:
•Worship Leader’s Checklist (own church)
•Usher’s/Funeral Helper’s Checklist
•Worship Leader’s Checklist (other location)