What Makes for a Good Funeral?
As a member of the congregation at a funeral or celebration service, have you ever come out at the end of the service and shared with the person next to you, “Wow, that was a good funeral”? Most people have made this sort of comment at one time or another without usually analyzing what it was that worked for them in the service or in the time afterwards. It is useful, then, to give some pointers to the elements that make for a good funeral, not so much as a means of providing a step-by-step guide, but as a foundation on which a worthy thanksgiving and celebration experience may be created.
As has been mentioned in earlier chapters, a primary element will be the pastoral relationship between the worship leader and the person who is dying and his family. The nature of his death, how the person died, will also have a bearing on the service, and this in turn will lead to a consideration of the readings and liturgy that will form a part of it.
Thanksgiving for this unique life will form an important aspect of the service—you only live and die once! And whether the person who has died was a member of the local faith community will be significant as will his membership of political, sports, and social groups, and the other communities of which he was a part.
The music that is a crucial part of the service will determine its tone and mood, but there will remain a need to speak of the loss that has been suffered by family and friends and how the presence of the person who has died is to be found or recognized in the social hall or sanctuary.
A good funeral or celebration is a tough experience to prepare for, but is well worth the effort.
What makes for a good funeral, a good ending? It starts with your first contact with the family when you are invited as a leader of a faith community to minister to the person who is dying. If you are the minister or the pastor of a congregation to which the dying person belongs, then your contact with the church member may have been of long standing, and you may have got to know her in the days when she was active in the local church and town. This relationship means that you bring shared experiences, joys, and challenges to the bedside of the person who is dying. Maybe you knew her as a member of your Bible study group or as a fundraiser for a new hymn book. If the church member is close and known, she will have an enhanced level of trust and confidence in your ability to accompany her on the last stage of her life’s journey.
A problem arises when the church member has become a close friend of the worship leader or minister.
In my first pastoral charge in Saskatchewan, I was befriended by an elderly woman who saw at once that I had no conception of how cold it might become when the prairie winter set in, and one afternoon when I came in shivering from the bitter cold, she told me in no uncertain terms that I needed a coat. “I have a spare one of Joe’s. Here it is; make sure you wear it!” she said as I prepared to leave the house.
Our family was an ocean away from parents and grandparents, and Ethel became family to us and to our children. Eighteen months passed, and Ethel and Joe went into a care home. Shortly after Ethel died, I was asked to conduct the funeral. It was incredibly difficult. Here I was, the minister and worship leader, when what I needed to be was in a pew as one of the mourners. I got through the service, but there were several pauses as I stopped to fight back my emotions.
Everything you do that comes within the meaning of that term “pastoral care” with the person who has died will impact the preparation of the service and the Spirit that is within the service on the day of celebration or funeral
“About that day or hour no one knows” (Mark 13:32) is true of the “last times,” but also true of the way and place we die. For some, death is natural and gentle after a long and happy life, a peaceful last breath with family all around, but for some, death is tortured and horrible. We don’t know when or how we will die, and it is just as well!
A good funeral is where those preparing for it will have responded to these two factors in a compassionate and pastoral way.
If the death is of an old person at a time when his body and mind were beginning to fail him, then there will be relief that Jack did not have to struggle on and receive increasing levels of care. But it is good to be aware that there will be family members who will still miss his presence, and it is necessary to speak to their loss and to review his life, giving thanks for all that has been accomplished in it.
If the death is sudden—accidental or as a result of the person taking his own life—then the priority in the service will be to deal compassionately and sensitively with those who have suffered the death of a loved one. Jill’s family will be emotionally in turmoil at the sudden loss, and the readings, the prayers, and the meditation must address the situation. This is not the time to voice rationalizations such as “Everything happens for a reason, and one day we will understand” or “Well, you had Jill for 17 years at least, and that is a blessing.” The good funeral in this situation will confront the enormity of the loss and appreciate that the emotions are overwhelming as in “Why Jill? Why now?” There will be a time of thanksgiving for Jill’s life during the service, and this is an essential part of it, but it is secondary to the concern for the unbearable heartbreak of family and friends.
Scripture and Secular Readings
Some worship leaders use the same scripture passages for every funeral they conduct. So one hears Psalm 23 or John 14 (1–6 and 27) forced into reflecting the lives and death situations of Jack and Jill and all the others in between. A good funeral has scriptures that are relevant to the person who has died.
For Jack who died at a good age, peacefully, with his family around him, “Everything has its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:1–8) would be appropriate, and for Jill’s suicide, “Out of the depths” (Psalm 130) will strike a chord with the struggling and loss-stricken family.
Finding the scripture or scriptures that fit the family situation is an art. It is advisable not to go to the pre-service meeting with the family with any fixed idea about scripture selections. It is best to wait until the family conversation is over, read your notes over very slowly, prayerfully, and carefully, and then search and determine which scripture passage seems appropriate. It is useful to tell the family members that this is the process you will be following.
Sometimes, the decision is easy. If the person who has died is a healer or a teacher, then there are many scripture passages that will speak directly to the deceased. You can choose from the gospel passages. But even here you have to go carefully. It may be that the person who has died was a teacher, but she had a deep love for her partner or pet or for a voluntary enterprise in which she was involved so that 1 Corinthians 13, the “Hymn of Love,” would be a more appropriate choice.
In appendix 2, I have detailed key scriptures, but the list is by no means comprehensive, and you may have to dig deep into your scripture knowledge to find a suitable passage. Internet searches will be useful if you cannot find the scripture that fits the person or situation, or word searches using a good analytical concordance.
Don’t be afraid to use books that share other people’s celebrations or funeral meditations as a source of scripture or as a framework for the meditation. You will be able to modify them to your own needs. The use of extracts from books or poems that resonate with the person, his life, his loves, his faith life, or his work life is to be encouraged. The scriptures were written 2,000 plus years ago and speak to their time, but we need in today’s services spiritual and secular writings that speak to our time. For example, there is little in the gospels that relates to the challenges and joys of living in community, but in the book Community and Growth by Jean Vanier (a saint of our time), there is a treasure trove of insights and experience that can be used to focus and reflect on the role of the deceased in community. My partner, Kathy, was conducting a funeral for a devoted dog owner and found a poem that spoke perfectly of the love of a dog owner for her pet and best friend.
Some liturgists discourage the use of secular readings in the same place in the service order as sacred readings, feeling this to be unworthy, but I believe that readings that have the divine spirit within them are fully acceptable and can be used with the same authority as the Hebrew and Christian scriptures.
A good funeral service or celebration will align the scriptures and secular readings with the person who has died. There will be a resonance between personality and the sacred—and not so sacred—word.
You live once and die once (unless reincarnation is a part of your theological understanding), and you have only one chance to give thanks for the life of the person whose service you are conducting. The thanksgiving you offer should be careful, compassionate, balanced, and true. This is easy to say, but not so easy to achieve!
There is an opportunity to give thanks for the person’s life, especially her life in the family circle, before she dies. If you are the person providing pastoral care to the dying family member, then it is appropriate that as a part of the goodbye process you remind family members how much the act of thanksgiving will be appreciated by their loved one. If you are offering a prayer at the bedside, then thanksgiving will form an important part of the prayer. You will thank God for the many gifts given and received within the family circle, for those who give care at the hospital or hospice facility, and for the hope of a life that continues on after this earthly life is over.
In the family discussion prior to the service, an important question is “What do you think we should give thanks (to God) for in Jill’s life?” Remember, you may need to probe a little in order to get a balanced set of viewpoints. Sometimes “the elephant in the room” is never mentioned, and it is important to have it expressed, even if its existence is not voiced during the service. An addiction to drugs or to alcohol may radically affect a person’s life, and if this is widely known to family members and friends, your avoidance of it will bring a sense of unreality to the service. It is possible to use a euphemism, such as “Jack’s struggle with his demons,” but it is far better to be straightforward and talk about “Jack’s struggle with drink.” This is the true situation, and people in the congregation know all about it, so why disguise the true situation?
Where a person has taken her own life, the same principles apply. Again, if this sudden death is generally known to be a suicide, it is healthier to be direct about it and use the word “suicide.” (See chapter 9.)
Thanksgivings can be part of the opening prayer as a general thanks to God for Jack’s life, but clearly they form a major part of the eulogy and the worship leader’s meditation. Try as hard as you can to put the thanksgivings in perspective and before you write or type your script, sort out what are the big thanksgivings and the small thanksgivings and give them appropriate weight in what you say. If you have a prayer of thanksgiving toward the end of the service, pick four or five of the major thanksgivings and offer these to God, leaving space for the members of the congregation to add their thanksgivings silently or aloud. (See “Prayer of Thanksgiving”.)
A good funeral service will allow time and space for offering thanks to God for the life of the person who has died.
One of the reasons that funerals have been replaced by secular celebrations of life is that in the past, the faith status of the person who has died was ignored. The “one size fits all” service was offered, and those who were active members of a faith community and those who had not darkened the doorway of a church in years were accorded the same liturgy. No wonder that when it became socially acceptable for persons to stipulate that they didn’t want a religious service, the alternative of a secular celebration of life took hold.
During the conversation with the family, it will be easy to determine how much the faith of the person who has died meant to her and to the family. Was Jill a member of the church? Was Jill a church board member or Sunday school teacher? Was she a leader in the church? Was Jill a member of the women’s group? Did Jill go to worship on Sunday morning? These questions and others like them will establish how Jill related to the faith community, and this will have an effect on the celebration or funeral service.
If Jill is a solid church member, it would be appropriate for members of the congregation to participate in the service by reading scripture or offering prayer. The use of a creed that outlines the belief pattern of the church might also be appropriate as might the celebration of Holy Communion. If there is a discussion as to where the service should be held, Jill’s membership or involvement in the local church should be an indicator that the right place for the service should be the sanctuary where she worshipped.
A good funeral will take account of how the person who died related to the local church.
Faith community members may have been among the visitors spending time with the one dying, and the pastoral care team may have visited on behalf of the church. The dying person may have (with permission) been prayed for during the worship service. In this situation, the local faith community will want to mourn the loss of one of their own. If the funeral is in the sanctuary where the deceased worshipped and there is participation in the service by those whom she knew, then there is a sense that this is their service as well as that of the family. If the hymns chosen are funeral hymns beloved by the church or hymns or songs of praise that everyone knows, this will help to give the local faith community partnership in the service. The worship leader will speak of the deceased during her meditation and refer to her service in the church with some stories, but it might be helpful if the board chair or another church member speaks of the deceased’s faith life and service as a part of the congregation.
Members of the congregation will usher the friends and family members to their seats and be responsible for making sure that everyone signs the guest book.
One of the most important services that can be offered to the family is the church hall for a reception after the service, a place where family and friends can meet, eat, drink, and share stories and memories. Church members who help in these “small” ways will feel that they have given one last gift to their departed church member. For an active church member it would be appropriate if one of the destinations of memorial gifts was to the faith community.
A good funeral will be one where the faith community plays a significant role in the whole bereavement event, including the service. Her death is a community of faith loss as well as a loss to her own family members.
There is a postscript to this section, for this is an opportunity for the faith community to show their welcoming nature to those who are outside their boundaries or on the fringe. If the grieving family and friends are treated with compassion and sensitivity, then the message will come through that this is what the church is about and this is what God is about. A good funeral is often the door through which persons who would not normally consider a life of faith come to see its value and purpose.
Needs of Those with No Faith Community
Over the last 20 to 30 years, there has been an increasing number of families that have no links to a local faith community. We have dealt with this in an earlier section of this book. The key to a successful celebration of life for a family with no significant faith is to establish this fact early and to be clear that you have no desire to convert them. Invite family members to check through the service and meditation to make sure that there is nothing there that is not in accord with their beliefs. Mind you, this does not stop you from praying for the family every step along the way!
Hope is the common denominator present for a whole range of deaths for which pastoral care is given and funeral and celebration of life services are prepared. The note of hope will be clearly sounded even where a tragic death occurs and where grieving is most acute. In the midst of life there is death, but in the midst of any death there is a profound and timeless hope rooted in the resurrection of Jesus.
And this is not hope against hope. It is hope based on solid Bible foundations (see chapter 2 “Biblical Roots,”). Where the person has no Christian faith, it is good to make clear that the person who has died will live on in the memory of his loved ones and will by his living have contributed to the communities of which he was a part and the experience of humanity in his particular area of living.
A good funeral will be shot through with hope. However, a good funeral will also give a hopeful account of the person who has no faith or little faith and the person who would claim to be a spiritual person though not in any way religious.
In many non-Westernized cultures, music at a funeral is accompanied with dancing. Often, the music has the rhythm one can swing and sway to; it is heartfelt and speaks to the emotional side of loss. North American and European cultures are usually more restrained in their grieving, and their music is restrained as well. People often stick with what they know, and what Westerners know is not sung with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
Music can reflect the different stages of the funeral and the character of the person who has died. If the person has come to the end after a life full of love shared in the family and a job that was rewarding, there is a whole lot to give thanks for, and the thanksgiving may be reflected in the songs, the hymns, and the music before and after the service. Thanksgiving music is upbeat, loud, buoyant, and joyful, and (dare we say it) perhaps some clapping and moving to the beat might be encouraged.
Look in the subject index of your hymn book or song book and choose something that is appropriate and, above all, well known to the congregation, e.g., “Now Thank We All Our God,” “Praise the Lord with the Sound of Trumpet,” and “We Give Our Thanks.” If you have a music director who knows her stuff, consult her about a suitable song or hymn, consider the possibilities, and don’t feel you have to go along with every suggestion. Talk over the different selections, but remember, you are the worship leader and the final decision is yours.
Sometimes, it is possible to combine an upbeat hymn of thankfulness with a key area of the person’s life, e.g., for one who was a lover of nature, you might choose “All Things Bright and Beautiful.” For a fisher, you might select “Jesus, You Have Come to the Lakeshore” or “Jesus Calls Us.” Sometimes, you have to search diligently for the right piece of music. Sometimes, the family will know all the favourite songs and hymns of the person who has died, and one or two may be selected. Time for reflection and prayer may be needed before the final selection is made.
For most services, two or three hymns are sufficient, and while the first one will usually be a hymn of praise, the second hymn may be one that speaks to the feelings of those who are at the service: the sense of loss that is being experienced or the sense of unfilled potential. Good hymns in this category are hard to come by. “Strength to the Troubled Heart,” “Lord of All Love,” and “Grief of Ending, Wordless Sorrow” are great hymns but rarely sung, and because they are rarely sung are rarely used. For that second hymn or song you may have to substitute a well-known song of faith or new life, such as, “Will Your Anchor Hold” or “In The Bulb There Is a Flower.”
If the cause of the death is a suicide or an accident, then find a song or hymn that meets the emotional needs of those who are present. Perhaps a song or hymn that speaks of peace, such as “I’ve Got Peace Like a River,” “Come and Find a Quiet Centre,” “Comfort, Comfort Now My People,” “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace,” “Peace for the Children” (for which you might add a verse, “Peace for her/his mom and dad”), and “I Have Called You by Your Name.”
The final hymn will have within it the gospel note of hope. Whether death came in a natural and peaceful way, or after a time of sustained struggle, or as a result of violence or accident, there is joy that the person who has died has gone from death to new life. This is a hymn or song to be sung with faith and enthusiasm, and even some non-church people will sing out a little louder, so if the family has one to suggest and it is known, this is the time to use it. Some songs that have the note of hope within them include “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore You,” “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” “Thine Is The Glory,” “Jesus Came Bringing Us Hope,” “I See a New Heaven,” “Blessed Assurance,” and “Rejoice, The Lord Is King.”
The songs or hymns used in the service must be covered by a licence held by the church, and a royalty paid if no licence is in operation.
Where the person who has died was a solid faithful church member, then he will have had favourite songs and hymns and likely many members will know what they were. Include as many favourites as you can and don’t be afraid to add a couple to the usual two or three. It is worth checking with the church secretary to see if the deceased person left instructions about the service and in particular the hymns she wanted for her funeral.
Occasionally, you will be asked to include secular songs that might present challenges on several levels.
Sometimes, it will be difficult to obtain the words or music of a selected song, although the Internet is making it much easier to discover both. Watch out for copyright issues!
Another issue is that when considering popular songs, the lyrics might be inappropriate and sometimes downright obscene. However, often a secular song can be right on target even though the Holy Name or Holy Way are not mentioned, in which case, don’t hesitate to use it. So what are the criteria here? My sense is that you would not normally let language be used in the service that is not used in the neighbourhood daily newspaper or on mainstream radio stations. This would include words used by you as worship leader, any person giving a eulogy, and the lyrics in any of the songs. The same goes for the images in video content. If your judgment is challenged by others on this issue, point out that there will be different people at the service, some of whom might be made uncomfortable if a series of four-letter words feature in a song or reading. They will remember the inappropriate language and not the essential content of the song or service. My practice has been to gently steer the family away from the inappropriate songs, have them suggest alternatives, and have the less offensive ones played as part of the music to which the family comes in or goes out of the sanctuary.
I also believe there are exceptions to this clean language policy and in my own experience have led a service where the favourite song of a young man who had died in a vehicle accident included some raunchy language. It was played at the end of the service. I told the congregation, “This was Terry’s favourite song. Some of you may find the language offensive, but it was special to him.” I didn’t get any complaints.
Moving Away from Golden Oldies
Most churches now have the ability to play CDs and some iPads through the sound system, and this gives the opportunity to include music that reflects the individual: her interests, challenges, and personality. Rather than have an old faithful choir member give a rendering of “Amazing Grace,” have the technician play “Lady Madonna” for the single mother who had a hard life and died far too early, or better still, include a clip of this song being performed live. Rather than a solo of “In the Garden” for the exile from Scotland who never forgot the country of his birth, have a recording of “My Love Is Like a Red, Red Rose,” the Robert Burns classic. And for the youngster who died accidentally, “Somewhere over the Rainbow” sung by Eva Cassidy could fit the bill or a track from the youngster’s favourite group.
To counter feelings of loneliness, you might play “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” For a veteran, you might select Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again,” or for almost anyone, The Rankin Family’s “We Rise Again.” A key here is to have an office administrator or techie in the congregation who can embed YouTube and video clips in the PowerPoint order. The use of a secular song that fits the person who has died and that the congregation knows can be powerfully beneficial to those who are grieving and those who are celebrating a life recently ended. You may not know the popular songs very well, but don’t be afraid to ask around.
A useful exercise here is to consider your own funeral and the hymns and songs you would like to be included during the service and before and after. Then consider the reasons that you have included these pieces of music. If you have the opportunity, talk to a colleague or fellow worship leader and share your decisions around music.
A good funeral will have music that touches the heart and lifts the soul, and it doesn’t have to include even one of the golden oldies.
Death is the ultimate in loss for there are no second chances, no going back and putting things right. I can think of only one funeral I have conducted where there was joy in the place of loss. For the rest, loss was a reality, and the degree of loss experienced was proportionate to the love experienced within the bonds of friendship or love given and received within the family circle.
As a worship leader one of the factors you will be assessing will be the degree of loss that has been experienced. Clearly if it is a baby or a child who has died, the loss will be huge, as will be the case where there is accidental death. However, when a mother dies at 95, peacefully in her sleep, the loss will be balanced with a sense that a full life has been completed, and when a father of 85 years dies after a year’s wheezing struggle with lung cancer, the loss will be tempered with relief that suffering is over.
In your conversation with the family, you will likely determine the degree of loss that is being experienced, and you will note the family members who are able to deal easily with the loss and those for whom the loss is causing anxiety and stress. We mentioned the pastoral role earlier, but there is also a chance in the funeral service to squarely face the emotions that are being experienced.
One of the first emotions you will face is the sense of loneliness that is being experienced by close family members and the following Howard Thurman passage speaks directly to the difficulty of being on your own.
We share with you the agony of your grief,
The anguish of your heart finds echo in our own.
We cannot enter all you feel
Nor bear with you the burden of your pain;
We can only offer what our love does give;
The strength of caring,
The warmth of those who seek to understand,
The silent, storm-tossed barrenness of so great a loss.
This we do in quiet ways,
That on your lonely path
You may not walk alone.1
In the meditation, one of the most valuable statements you can make is to mention the close family members by name and then to verbalize the sense of loss that is being felt by them. They will not respond aloud, but will affirm the feelings of loss in the silence of their hearts. It is helpful to speak of the danger of putting a hard shell over unresolved grief.
In one of the Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency books by Alexander McCall Smith, the wise key character, Precious Rambotswe, gives some advice to her hero, Clovis Andersen, whose wife has recently died: “‘It is good to talk about late people, Rra,’ she said quietly. ‘It is what they want us to do. Late people would be happy if they knew that we were talking about them.’”2
As you put your meditation together, there are a variety of factors at play: the relationship that mourners had with the deceased, their personalities including their emotional makeup, other losses they have faced, and current areas of stress. Further, their reactions to loss will be in proportion to how they are facing the fact of their own death and whether there is any risk in it coming soon.
If there is the slightest evidence of difficulty in dealing with serious loss, it is good to suggest that the individual consult a bereavement counsellor, minister, or other professional. As worship leader in the pastoral role, you will be on the lookout for tried and tested counsellors ahead of need. It is a fact that if love for the deceased has been strong, then grief will be in direct proportion to that love. A good funeral service will take account of the grief being experienced—and to be experienced—by congregational members, and through readings and the content of the meditation will engage that grief.
Half a century ago, most funerals were earth burials, and the body of the person who had died would be brought into the church or chapel. There would be an opportunity for family members to see the earthly remains of their loved one at a private or open viewing before the service (see chapter 13 “Before the Service,”). There would be a last look before the service began, the deceased person would be present during the service, and then the body would be taken out for burial at the end of the service. There is value in having the body of the person present because family members, young and old, know that this is June or Jim (Grandpa or Nana), and he is dead—no doubt about it.
Today, an increasing number of persons are being cremated. How do you create the same sense of presence? One way is to ensure that the urn with the cremated remains of the deceased is present, can be seen by everyone, and is accompanied by a large photograph of the deceased, which is also visible to all. [Ahead of time you might invite people to write letters to the deceased and have those letters interred with the remains or cremated with them.]
If you have worked carefully and attentively with the family and liaised in a friendly way with the funeral home, the faith community, and its music director, it only remains to prepare the service and to offer it prayerfully to God. It will not be perfect, but it will be worthy. The account of Betty’s funeral that follows is an example of how a good funeral might look and the reasons for it being good. It felt right to me.
Betty’s Funeral
There was nothing special about Betty’s life. She had trained as a nurse’s aide, married, and had two children. The marriage didn’t work out, and she had become the sole provider for her son and daughter, had cared for them wisely, and nurtured them into jobs and families of their own. Just as a comfortable retirement was within her reach, Betty had contracted a fast-moving cancer and had died within two months of her first symptoms.
I was asked to conduct the service by one of the local funeral directors and met with the family and her best friend a couple of days after her death. As we talked, it became clear that Betty was one of those people loved within her family circle and liked by everyone she came in contact with. Apart from choosing the hymn “How Great Thou Art,” the rest of the service was left to me, but her best friend agreed to give a eulogy at the service, which was held in the local funeral home.
One of her fellow workers called me (without prompting) at home and gave a glowing testimony of Betty’s above-and-beyond help to the residents of the care home where she worked. What became clear from the discussions with the family and from my conversation with her friend and her colleague was that Betty was one of those rare saints, not nauseatingly nice but fun and compassionate at home and at work. Everyone liked her. It was a funeral that I looked forward to leading.
As people gathered, I could see on the faces and hear in the conversations the sense of loss that friends and work colleagues were feeling. Right at the start of the service I felt what can only be described as The Holy amongst us. The familiar scripture at the beginning of the service, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” (Matthew 5:4) was spoken directly to the congregation and was needed by them. The note of hope sounded in the passage from John’s gospel: “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die’” (John 11:25–26). The note of hope of a life that begins after this one ends was heard in a fresh way, and I sensed that hardly anyone in that congregation believed that Betty’s existence was over. She would live on, how and where weren’t the important things—as an angel or as a spirit—it didn’t really matter. She would live on; she was living on!
The opening prayer alerted us to the presence of The Holy with us and with Betty, and the singing of the first hymn, “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore You” was enthusiastic—and I hadn’t seen them as a singing crowd! A reading of Psalm 23 followed— the heartfelt poetry of a writer who speaks of God’s comfort. One of the gospel passages of Jesus the healer tied in with Betty’s work, and the reading from John’s gospel about Mary in the garden encountering Jesus spoke clearly of the joyous certainty of the life that begins when this one ends.
Then Jody, her best friend, gave a eulogy that spoke with sincerity and with humour of Betty’s compassion, her loving role as a mother, and her ability to have a good time. I followed this with a reflection on the John 20 passage, and then offered a prayer of thanksgiving for Betty’s life with time for each congregational member to silently voice their own thanks. We joined in the Lord’s Prayer. The words didn’t mean a lot, but the act of saying the prayer brought us together. I followed this with an invitation for all to come with us to the cemetery for the service of committal, and we finished with the hymn “How Great Thou Art,” followed by a commissioning to members of the congregation to remember Betty, to express their deep feelings at her loss, and to believe the promise of new life. A blessing completed the liturgy in the chapel.
The service content was in itself nothing unusual, but the whole bereavement experience, the time of preparation with family and friends, the prayers and readings, the eulogy, and the meditation together transcended the separate parts and made for a “holy whole.” When the earthly remains of Betty were lowered into the grave and I said, “Into God’s keeping and into God’s unfailing love we commit our sister…” we felt that Betty, who was lovingly remembered, was with the loving and Holy One now.
Betty’s funeral was a good funeral.
Could it have been a better funeral? It could. There was no opportunity for people to share their memories at a meal or story-sharing time around the table after the service, and no visitation before the service. There was little opportunity for friends who didn’t go to the committal to express their sympathy or tell of their love of Betty to the family members. I had encouraged this to be a part of the celebration, and it was not done. And further, Betty was a person of faith but not a formal Christian faith and had no connection with a local church. If she had been, this would have been reflected by the participation of the congregation before and during the service and the response of the congregation at the funeral itself.
1 From Meditations of the Heart by Thurman, Howard. Reproduced with permission of BEACON PRESS. Republished in an e-book via Copyright Clearance Center.
2 Excerpted from The Limpopo Academy of Private Detection by Alexander McCall Smith. Copyright © 2012 Alexander McCall Smith. Reprinted by permission of Knopf Canada. Reprinted by permission of Birlinn (UK) and Random House LLC (USA).