Post-funeral Pastoral Care
The person who cares for the family of the deceased pastorally before the funeral continues in this role after the funeral is over. So as the family is going down to the refreshment hall, the worship leader should monitor the emotional state of close family members. If they are upset, the worship leader will encourage the family members to take some time for themselves in a room away from the refreshment area and others who have attended the service. They may want time for themselves to grieve with one another or they may need the worship leader in her pastoral role to be with them with words and hugs. To care for the family members is the primary role of the worship leader following the service or celebration.
The worship leader should contact the family within the first two to three days (or within the first week at the latest) and offer to visit at the family home or the homes of family members who are having trouble with their grief. If there are difficulties with grief work or if there are special needs, for example, if there are grieving children, referral should be made to the local bereavement group or to a grief counsellor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
It is crucial that the worship leader knows her limits and is ready to refer as is appropriate. She should also know the bereavement resources available in the local community for grieving family members, and stock necessary pamphlets and brochures.
As an intern chaplain in an acute care hospital, I was visiting one afternoon with a man in his mid-sixties who was about to have an operation. We began with casual conversation about the weather and last night’s hockey game, and then Bert told me that the date was close to the anniversary of the death of his mother. Assuming this was a recent event I expressed my sympathy and gave Bert, who was an only child, the opportunity to talk about the feelings around his loss. He told me the story of how he knew that his dying mom wanted him to come and see her, but he kept on putting off the visit because he was far away in a steady job and he was afraid to lose it. He began to weep as he went on to recount how his mother died before he set out to see her and then, to cap it all, he arrived home too late to attend the funeral. As he cried I sat with him and he said, “You are the first person I have ever talked to about this.” I asked him, “Well, when did your mother die?” He said, “Thirty-five years ago.”
If grief work is not done following the death of a loved one, the feelings around the loss will persist until they are dealt with. Often, the temptation of the worship leader is to make a quick post-funeral phone call to the person who has been bereaved and unless there is a major concern expressed, assume that the family member is getting over her loss and leave her alone, but as with the man I encountered on the hospital ward this may not be the case.
Grief is the normal and natural response to loss, and the emotional intensity of the grief is in direct proportion to the closeness and depth of loving relationships experienced between the person who has died and the family members or friends. The worship leader in a pastoral role needs to be aware of the radical change that has taken place in the life situation of the person who has been bereaved and be ready to go with them as they set out on this untried but potentially fulfilling path.
Most likely the bereaved person will not be “herself” and will suffer a range of physical and mental states very different from normal; she may be much more irritable than normal, or feel more tired, or have an upset digestive system. One of the roles of the caregiver is to reassure the person grieving that these very different sensations are a part of the normal experience of grief and she is not out of her mind as she may be imagining.
There will also be a range of feelings that will relate to the person who has died—his age and the circumstances of his death; whether he was expected to die; whether his death came suddenly or was an accident. There may be relief that the loved one is no longer suffering, and there may be anger, even anger directed at God, that the loved one has left so quickly. There could be denial that he has died: “I keep on expecting that he will come through the door at the end of the day like he always did.” There may be profound sadness in the loss coupled with perceived guilt about how the medical treatment was handled, and there may be guilt experienced because conflicts or differences that cast a shadow between the deceased and the surviving family member or members will now never be resolved.
Added to the anger and sadness and guilt may come bargaining attempts. In one pastoral charge, I worked with a non-churchgoing family whose son was permanently disabled in a car crash. In the early days, when it was not certain whether or not he would be fully restored to health, the family members came to church Sunday by Sunday. Their reasoning was an unspoken bargain that if they worshipped faithfully, God would reward them with improved health for their son, but when it was obvious that the young man’s disability was permanent, they stopped attending worship.
As well as the feelings of the person who has been bereaved, there will also be the feelings of friends to take into account. The pastoral caregiver may account for the absence of family members and friends by explaining that some will feel out of place in this post-bereavement situation and some will have grief issues of their own, which have come to the surface and which they are finding difficult to face.
A good friend will give very little advice and will simply listen and be with be the bereaved person in his support and encouragement for the journey forward, while the well-meaning but not so helpful friend will offer much advice. I’ve heard advice like “My grandmother said that everyone who has lost a partner should be getting back to normal in six months, max!” or “Try golf, a cooking class, some new activity, and you will forget all about your loss.” In this situation it is often the friend’s own needs that are brought to the fore, and she may become frustrated if some “progress” is not being made because it restricts her ability to do what she wants. For the bereaved person, it is important not to let anyone dictate her grieving path. It is her grief, and she is entitled to it, and each grieving person needs to be ready to say a firm “No” when well-meaning friends try to persuade her to make commitments she is not ready to make and go places she is not ready to go. The pastoral caregiver will be able to affirm the bereaved person as she goes her own way and makes her own choices for good or ill.
Grief takes its own time, and the length of time varies widely from person to person. Rather than seeing grief as a progression from one carefully defined stage to another, it is more helpful for the pastoral caregiver to see it as a series of waves, a sea of ups and downs where the two good steps forward are often matched with one step back. It will be easy for the grieving person to become downhearted by a short-term lack of progress so that he feels stuck in a rut. The worship leader in the pastoral care role will be aware of this and will applaud him when the grieving process is going well and progress is being made, but will also be there when the bereaved person is depressed and lonely and says, “I’ll never get back to normal.” The way back from a major loss requires a large measure of willpower, and the pastoral caregiver can enable this to take root and grow. Rabbi Earl Grollman puts the situation clearly and succinctly: “Grief is a process. Recovering is your choice.”1
It takes much patience and endurance to stay with the person who is downhearted and depressed, and the pastoral caregiver needs to monitor her own mental and spiritual health and be ready to take a break if she is feeling overly frustrated or downhearted.
If the bereaved person asks the pastoral caregiver, “What practical actions can I take to speed my progress through this time of grief?” then it is good to have a few practical suggestions ready. Perhaps the most important preliminary comment is to assure the bereaved person not to expect too much progress too soon, to reassure her that being stuck in her grief progression is perfectly normal, and point out the positive changes that have been made. It is also useful to suggest some practical actions that could make a difference.
One useful action is for the bereaved person to face the feelings that are most difficult to put into words and to share them in confidence with one other person, such as a best friend, a minister, or a well-loved family member. It is difficult to underestimate the value of this confidential, one-on-one sharing, and the pastoral caregiver may be the person to encourage the sharing or be the listener. The role of the confidant is not so much to give an opinion, but to listen deeply to the expressed feelings and to reflect back quietly and compassionately what is being said.
It may also be helpful for the grieving person to put his deepest feeling down on paper or to start a grief journal. Putting pen to paper or entrusting these feelings to a computer file will enable him to see they are real and may enable him to see that progress is being made. If there is unfinished business between the grieving person and the person who has died, it could be helpful to write a letter stating directly how he is feeling—to express anger, to state where he made mistakes (or where he thought she did), and to ask for understanding or forgiveness. This is a tough thing to do as I know from my own experience, but it can helpfully remove some of those road blocks to grieving. If this letter can be shared with another person, so much the better. The letter might also include the things the bereaved person always wanted to say to his loved one but never quite got around to putting into words.
Another practical suggestion from the pastoral caregiver can be to speak about the need to resume the activities that gave the bereaved one satisfaction before the bereavement happened. So skating or card playing may be resumed, a fraternal organization rejoined, or meeting for coffee with a cherished group of friends may become a part of her weekly routine once more. It will also be helpful to resume the fitness routine neglected in the process of bereavement. If the bereaved person is healthy physically, she will likely feel better mentally as well. Some like to exercise alone, while many others will benefit from having others around to encourage and spur on. The community of a friendly gym can be a positive and strong support, as can a positive and good-humoured walking partner.
Faith Community and Spiritual Care
It will be a natural function of the worship leader in a pastoral role to remind the bereaved person of the concern of the faith community for her at this time and to encourage her to attend services and social events. Worshipping for the first time will be a challenge, but likely there will be people who will show their love and concern in different ways and will go out of their way to welcome her. If the bereaved person has no formal faith and does not belong to a faith community, the pastoral caregiver may want to explore the spiritual practices of prayer and meditation that have been helpful to her in the past and could be especially meaningful to her now. As in the time before the loved one died, it may be helpful for the pastoral caregiver to ask if a prayer would be helpful and to offer some carefully chosen words at the end of the time spent together.
The pastoral caregiver will be familiar with the support sessions and bereavement groups offered in the local community and will be able to encourage the bereaved person to contact the group coordinator. It may be that the bereaved person feels uncomfortable or worried about going to the chosen group for the first time and it would be useful for him to speak to the group leader. The leader could put him in touch with a member who could meet him at a mutually agreed place and help him go through the door for the first time.
The difference between grief and depression is sometimes hard to determine, but if the pastoral caregiver encounters the bereaved one in a withdrawn state, or if she is finding life hugely meaningless or talking of suicide, then clearly action should be taken. The pastoral caregiver would do well to suggest that she needs to see a doctor or a grief counsellor, help her choose the professional, and if needed, go with her to the first appointment. It may also be advisable to talk to a trusted family member about what is happening.
The person who has been bereaved may feel that alcohol or prescription and other drugs will mask the pain and shock of loss. The problem is that drink and drugs hide the true feelings and only provide temporary relief to the grief that is being felt. The pastoral caregiver should be on the look out for the beginning signs of drug and alcohol addiction and steer the person who has suffered loss toward an acceptable local source of treatment.
The pastoral caregiver will stay with the grieving one as he encounters the many new and unforeseen life experiences that occur as his old life pattern ends and a new pattern of life begins. During this period, the bereaved person will have been exposed to many challenges—personal, relational, financial, and spiritual. A few will have been defeating and devastating, but many will have been a source of unexpected joy and growth. One of the caregiver’s roles is to celebrate the successes along the way.
So when the person who has been bereaved is able to talk about his loved one who has died with love and with joy and not with constricting emotion, he is making progress. And when he is able to make fresh friendships without worrying about what his former loved one would think, he is forging a new life that will be fulfilling and happy.
It is good to keep in mind that grieving is never finished and however successful the process might appear, there will be occasions when the feelings of loss and loneliness will sweep over the bereaved one again.
For most people who have been bereaved, the date of the anniversary of the death of their loved one will be significant. It will be a day that will bring back memories of the death experience and the feelings of all that has been missing since the loss. Often the advent of the anniversary and the day itself will intensify the feelings of grief already present. From the viewpoint of the worship leader, it will be good to call the person who has been bereaved at the beginning of the bereavement week and offer to come for a visit.
The pastoral caregiver should also be aware of other special dates like birthdays that the bereaved person shared with her loved one. The emotional effect of these may seem out of proportion to the caregiver, but talking about them and their significance ahead of the day may be the best way to deflect an emotional storm.
1 From Rabbi Earl A. Grollman, DHL, DD Living With Loss; Healing With Hope audio visual tape, with permission from Global Distributions Networks, Inc.