The Funeral or Life Celebration Service
A frequently asked question during the conversation with the family before the death of a loved one or when the worship leader meets with the family after the loved one has died is “What will the service be like?” This is often followed by the comment “I hope it won’t be too long!” Both question and comment are important.
It is useful to explain to the family what is the basis for the service and what it will be like. For a wedding there is usually a rehearsal, and the key members of the wedding party are walked through the ceremony. Do they remember their role: where they will stand and what they will say? Not exactly, but after the rehearsal they will be more familiar with the ceremony and their part in it and will be much more comfortable on the day as a result. A rehearsed funeral is a rare event, but as the worship leader you are in a position to make clear what will happen on the day—before, during, and after the service—and thereby reduce the anxiety level of the family members, close friends, and participants.
You are able to do this by first of all telling the family of the compassionate and loving God that is at the heart of everything: “In life, in death, in life beyond death, God (compassionate and loving) is with us” (A New Creed). You are able then to make clear the three foundational blocks on which the service is based: the need to give thanks for the person’s life; the need to acknowledge and speak to the loss that is felt within the family circle, among close friends, and in the communities of which he was a member; and the need to speak of the hope of the life that goes on for the departed loved one and for those who have come to remember him, in spite of this loss.
You will go through the gathering for the service, the service itself, the committal service (if there is one), and finally what happens after the service is over—the meeting with friends and the reception. It will be helpful if, when you meet with the family, you have copies of either a service that you have recently conducted or a simple outline of a service that enables the family members to see how the liturgy will flow.
There are four basic choices that are possible for the family:
•a service in the church sanctuary or funeral home chapel
•a service in the church sanctuary or funeral home chapel followed by a committal service in a cemetery or other dedicated place
•a graveside service at the cemetery or other dedicated place
•a service in the home, garden, community hall, or other meaningful place
If the family has a connection with the local church or if the loved one who has died was a church member or an adherent, the local church will be the natural place for the service. Not only will the family find a welcome and a friendly place for the service, but holding it in the church will meet the need of the faith community to participate in remembering the loss of one of their own. They will work this out by participating in the service—offering prayers or reading scripture, through music or choral singing, by decorating the sanctuary—and by providing food for the family guests. The loved one who has died will have entered the Christian church through baptism, have been a member of a Sunday school, and have been confirmed and married within the faith community. It is fitting then that she should leave this earth surrounded by her faith friends and to the accompaniment of the songs, the sacred words, and the gospel hope that were an essential part of her faith.
When the worship leader encounters family resistance to a service being held in church, it is appropriate that she should say to the family of the deceased, “You know, Alice was much loved within the St. Andrew’s faith family as well as yours. I think this is the place for her funeral.”
Until recently, it would have been assumed that the celebration/funeral would be followed directly by a service of committal, where the final burial happens or where the cremated remains are located in a specific place. This can no longer be taken for granted. A trend recognized by clergy and funeral directors alike is for the family to wish to delay the committal.
There are times when this is entirely reasonable, e.g., the interment is arranged in another part of the country where the spouse or family member of the deceased is buried, or it may be that the weather is dreadful and it makes sense to wait until spring. What makes no sense is for the loved one’s last earthly remains to be kept on a shelf in the living room or left gathering dust in a cupboard in the guest bedroom. The result of a postponement of burial is often an extension to the grieving process. Almost without exception funeral directors will rightly encourage the final deposition of the cremated remains directly following the funeral service, and as a worship leader you would do well to affirm this practice for the sake of the mental and spiritual health of the family.
There will sometimes be a request by family members for a graveside service. The request is usually for a shorter, simpler service and is made because the family is small or non-existent and few persons are expected to be present. The request is also made because it costs a lot less to have a service outside the church or funeral home.
Where the request is made because the loved one who has died “requested it,” and there is a significant number of family and friends, it is helpful if you as worship leader face the family members with the reality that the graveside will not be a convenient place for the service. Older people will find it harder to walk to the service site and to stand during the liturgy; those hard of hearing will need to get close to the worship leader; and the service will be a trial to all if the weather is poor.
I was pressed to conduct a graveside service for a well-known community leader in mid-December. The family told me that it was a private service, but word leaked out, and a good number of friends and persons who had been helped by the person who had died came to the service—which was held in a snowstorm. We were cold and uncomfortable and for the sake of those who were old and infirm, I cut the service length to a bare minimum. No one came away from the service feeling good, and the life of one who had served his fellow men and women faithfully was not worthily celebrated.
There is a place for the graveside service, but the worship leader should articulate the challenges clearly to family members if it seems an inappropriate way to celebrate the life of their loved one. Where the request is made for cost reasons, both the church and the funeral home have the option of reducing the fees or waiving them altogether.
The funeral/celebration of life does not have to be held in a sacred place. If the person who has died is a member of a church, this is the natural place for a final Christian rite of passage to be held, but where there is no church connection, other locations may be considered. If there is a small family group, the home of the deceased is a suitable location with all the mementoes and pictures that are familiar to family members surrounding them. I have celebrated more than one life in a living room, and my wife held a most meaningful service in the garden beloved by the person who had died.
Where there is a need to provide a larger space for friends and family, a community or Legion hall may be appropriate, or for the golf enthusiast a club dining room that overlooks the 18th hole. In these situations, it is necessary to balance the appropriate location with the needs of the congregation to hear well, to have a clear view of those who are leading the service, and to have suitable music and visual aids to worship without distraction.
Opening music and video
Call to worship and welcome
Scripture sentences
Preface (why we are here)
Song or hymn of praise (well-known)
Opening prayer
Prayer of confession (optional)
Secular reading
Hebrew or Christian scripture readings
Song or hymn (appropriate to the deceased’s life or sense of loss)
Meditation (part 1)
Eulogies
Meditation (part 2)
Prayer of thanksgiving and the Lord’s Prayer (sung or said)
Announcements (the place and time of interment and refreshments)
Commendation
Closing song or hymn (upbeat, hopeful, and well-known)
Commissioning
Blessing
Close of service (optional hymn or song)
Fellowship and refreshment time
Beginning
Traditionally, the service begins with the congregation rising. The worship leader will give the invitation “Please stand if you are able.” If there is a coffin, it will be carried or wheeled in with the worship leader leading the procession. As the worship leader slowly moves to the front of the sanctuary she speaks some sentences of scripture. More often today, the coffin or urn will be in place in the sanctuary already and the worship leader will offer some of the following scripture sentences after the words, “Let us worship God.”
Hebrew and Christian Scriptures
For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance…
For everything there is a season:
a time to be born, and a time to die.(repeated)
(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2, 4)
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
(Psalm 46:1)
Cast your burden on the Lord,
and [God] will sustain you.
(Psalm 55:22)
Jesus said… “I am the resurrection and the life.
Those who believe in me, even though they die,
will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me
will never die.”
(John 11:25)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
(Matthew 5:4)
The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
(Deuteronomy 33:27, Revised Standard Version)
We believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died…. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up in the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will be with the Lord forever.
(1 Thessalonians 4:14, 17)
For a Child
“Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.”
And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.
(Mark 10:15–16)
As a mother comforts her child,
so I will comfort you [says the Lord.]
As a father has compassion for his children,
so the Lord has compassion for those who fear [God].
(Isaiah 66:13; Psalm 103:13)
Other Sentence
Say not in grief, “He/she is no more,”
but live in thankfulness she/he was.
(Hebrew proverb)
For Someone Who Led a Tough Life and Came through Stronger
For every hill I’ve had to climb, for every stone that bruised my feet,
for all the blood and sweat and grime, for blinding storms
and searing heat, my heart sings out a thankful song;
these were the things that made me strong.
For all the heartache and the tears, for all the anguish and the pain,
and for the hopes that lived in vain, I do give thanks.
For this I know, these were the things that made me grow.
Anon.
Welcome
The worship leader gives her name and on behalf of the faith community welcomes friends and family to the service, e.g., “I am David Sparks, minister of St. Andrew’s Church, and I’m glad to welcome you, the friends and family members of Ruth, to this memorial service. It is good to be with you at this time.” If the service is to proceed with the hymns, prayers, and other elements unannounced, this is the time to mention it.
Preface
Worship leader: Why have we come to this service? (The following selections answer this question. Choose one that fits your context.)
We have come to this service to celebrate the life of (name), whose life has ended.
It is good to be here!
We have come to join with others who knew him/her and loved him/her, to share our memories, and to tell our stories.
It is good to be here!
We have come to tell of all we have lost in (name)’s passing, to put our grief into words, and to follow words with actions.
It is good to be here!
We have come as family and friends to remember the effect of (name)’s life on each of our lives and to give (God) thanks.
It is good to be here!
(Optional) We have come as those who believe that death is not the final end that it seems to be and to rejoice in the hope of a life that begins when this one ends.
It is good to be here!
(Add your own reasons why it is good to be here!)
Greeting
Grace to you and comfort
in the name of God our Maker
who knows the count of the hairs on our heads
and the days of our lives;
in the name of Jesus, our brother and friend,
who has journeyed on all our roads with us,
and in the warm embrace of the Spirit of Life
whose care surrounds us always.
Bob Root1
Invitation to Worship
It is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do today:
to say goodbye to someone whom we love,
someone who may have always been there,
someone without whom we can hardly imagine our lives.
But that is what we have gathered here today to do:
to celebrate the life of (name),
to give thanks for all that has been good and loving,
to ask forgiveness for anything that was not as we might have hoped it would be,
to bring ourselves and all that we feel
into God’s presence,
that God will bless us and keep us close.
Bob Root
Sisters and brothers,
we have come together today because
(name) has died.
We come to commend him/her into God’s care with gratitude,
and seek God’s grace to comfort us
at this time of loss and change.
We gather this morning to worship God:
God, whom we know through the living of our lives,
God who is beyond all that we can ever know.
We gather this morning to worship God:
who brings the day to birth
and calls the sunset to its close
to make way for another day;
who makes life stir within us;
and welcomes us in loving arms when life here is over.
We gather this morning with thanksgiving for the life of (name),
who has lived among us
and is now with God.
Come, and let us worship God.
Bob Root
Grace to you and comfort
from God whose love created us,
from God known in Jesus Christ,
who lived our life, felt our pain, knows our hearts,
and from God the Spirit whose compassionate embrace
gives us courage to carry on when life is dark and bleak.
My friends, we have gathered here today because (name) has died.
(At the end of a lengthy and devastating illness, which has turned the world upside down.)
(Name)’s body has finished its work in our midst and she/he is at rest, at peace.
We have come, family and friends,
to give thanks to God for the joy of sharing life with her/him,
to offer to (name family members) our heartfelt sympathy at this loss,
and to support one another at this important time.
It is holy ground on which we stand.
And so, first of all, I want to light a candle as a reminder
of the brightness that (name)’s living has brought to each person who knew her/him.
Let us come now and place ourselves in God’s care, for we know that in life, in death, and in life beyond death, God is with us. We are not alone.
In this strong faith, we are together.
Bob Root
Greeting for a Christmas Funeral
Grace to you and comfort,
in the name of the babe born in the manger on Christmas Day,
in the name of the Creator who set the stars in place,
in the name of the Spirit of Love who dwells deep within each of us.
Bob Root
Season of Easter
We have come together to worship God, and to give God thanks and praise for the life of (name) who has died.
We have come together to remember (name),
to share our memories of her/him,
and to celebrate the life of one who has been good for us.
We are here as a pledge of our support for the (name) family.
We are here to recognize the limits and fragility
of this human life of ours,
and we come in this season of Easter to hear God’s Word of hope as we walk through the valley of shadows, and to rejoice in the risen
Jesus Christ who is proof positive that death lies totally defeated.
Thanks be to God!
In the name of Jesus Christ we gather this day.
We gather to gratefully remember (name)
who is gone from among us.
We gather to thank God for his/her life in family,
in friendship, and in community;
we gather to express our loss and to proclaim
our resurrection hope,
and our trust in the Living God.
Difficult Circumstances
Friends, we gather in the protective shelter
of God’s healing love.
Here we are free to pour out our grief,
release our anger, face our emptiness,
and know God cares.
We gather to comfort and to support one another
in this time of (grievous) loss,
(especially remembering…).
We gather to hear God’s eternal Word of hope
that can rid us of despair and
can move us to offer heartfelt praise to God.2
Friends, we gather to grieve our loss
and to comfort one another in our sorrow.
We gather to give thanks for the life of (name),
and to surround this (family/these loved ones)
with our support, strength, and encouragement.3
We have come to worship God and to remember (first and last names).
His/her life among us is over, but his/her life embraced by God’s love has only just begun.
(Name) was a significant person in our lives:
one we knew, one with whom we shared,
one whose love and concern has strengthened us.
We will miss him/her more than we can say.
And we meet in the knowledge that the death of another person
stirs deep feelings within us:
feelings of joy but also feelings of loss and sorrow,
feelings of fear but also feelings of huge hope.
(What would have been the feelings stirred by the death of this person?
Feelings of guilt, feelings of regret for what might have been?)
We rejoice that we are able to remember and give thanks today.
We rejoice that we are able to share stories
and express our feelings today,
and to do so in the name and in the way of Jesus, God’s chosen one;
Jesus, who died and has risen. Amen.
For a Youth
Grace and comfort to you
from our loving God,
from our brother Jesus,
and in the warm embrace of the Spirit of Life,
who calls us into being
and walks with us on our journey
in good times and bad
and who welcomes us with great tenderness and compassion when life comes to an end.
My friends, we have come here this morning
because a terrible thing has happened.
(Name) has died, and we can hardly believe it.
Life snuffed out like the flame of a candle,
in the twinkling of an eye,
without warning, without preparation,
without time to say “Goodbye,”
or all the thousand-and-one other things
we wish we were able to say to him/her.
(Name) died living fully the days that were given to him/her,
a youth full of promise and hope.
And so we come today,
and people have come for days,
in wonder and disbelief,
to share our tears and draw strength from one another,
to share our delights and gratitude for knowing him/her,
and to ask for resources stronger than our own
to deal with this tragedy,
for our strength is gone.
In the welcome and the safety of this place,
let us gather now.
Bob Root
For Use in a Hall or Garden
In this place of friendship/in this place of peace,
we gather to remember (name), our friend and family member.
In our time together,
we will cherish his/her memory,
give thanks for his/her (long) life,
comfort his/her loved ones,
become aware of our limited lifespan,
(rejoice in the hope of a life that begins when this one ends),
and renew our determination to make the most of each day
that lies ahead of us.
You may write your own answer to the question “Why are we here?” and formulate it in the Preface, for example:
We are here:
together, to remember and give thanks for Ruth’s life,
to show our support for Ruth’s family,
to remember those in Ruth’s communities (name them) who are grieving,
to show our support to those in Ruth’s church who are missing her,
to give God thanks for her support of us in some very different ways.
We are here to support each other in our common grief,
and to recall our own feelings about death,
to be sent out with hope and determination,
(where it’s an accidental or sudden death) to express our disbelief that
death has happened,
to receive hope for relief in the sadness we feel,
(at death of a child) to share our supreme sadness that this life
with all its potential is over so soon,
to comfort the distressed parents,
to share our love with her friends.
Opening Words
My name is (name).
I (am a representative of the Christian faith,
and) work with The United Church of Canada,
and welcome you as we gather today
to mourn the death and
to celebrate the life of (name).
We are here to say thank you for the many ways
that (name)’s life touched you and others,
and we gather to gain life insights from her/him,
and to commend him/her to the Mystery at the heart of life.
It is never easy to be faced with the reality of death.
Many different feelings will be stirring within you,
feelings of loss that (name) will no longer be part
of your everyday life,
and feelings of thankfulness for good times shared.
There will also be feelings of grief over the remembered loss of family members, friends, and other loved ones.
(follow with a time of reflection)
Today we will reflect on
all that (name) accomplished
and the goals she/he achieved.
We will celebrate the depth of love
and friendship she/he showed in her/his life.
We will recall our individual memories of (name)
and the times we spent together.
We also gather as a community,
united by our common love for (name)
and by the Spirit of love that is ever with us
in whatever way we name that spirit,
“Creator,” or “God,” or “Higher Power,”
the Spirit of love that is there to empower us and strengthen us,
to comfort and to challenge us,
to offer healing to us, and to offer peace on the journey of grief.
We gather to remember that the Spirit fills us with hope,
hope of a life that begins when this one ends.
We gather to remember that by trusting a presence
greater than ourselves,
we can find hope, peace, and love.
Cynthia Breadner (as inspired by Fred Joblin)4
Invitation to Worship
Grace to you and comfort
from our Maker, from whose loving arms we come,
and into whose loving arms we return
when life on earth has come to an end,
in the name of our brother Jesus,
who walks with us as friend and companion throughout our journey,
and in the kindness of the Spirit of Life,
whose presence gives us strength to live day by day.
My friends, we have gathered here this afternoon
because (name) has died.
At the end of a long, rich, full, well-lived life,
in the natural rhythm and cycle of the seasons,
(name) has inherited the promise of the faith in which she/he
lived and died and which held him/her firmly.
We have come, family and friends, to honour him/her,
for she/he has earned our praise,
to support one another, for this loss is significant,
and to ask God’s blessing on all our living.
Come and let us worship God.
Bob Root
Opening Prayers
Our opening prayer is a way of expressing our belief that:
The loving and compassionate God has a place in all we do at this service.
We can direct our thanks to God, entrust God with our concerns and anxieties.
We can take heart that in the silence and darkness of bereavement that we experience, the risen spirit of Jesus Christ will be the hope of renewed relationship and light to us.
We can comfort one another.
Creator, Spirit of life, you have shared with us
the life of (name), and it is with grateful hearts
we give thanks for all the goodness in her/him,
which now lives and grows in us and others.
As now we honour (name)’s life and say “goodbye,”
we seek to find comfort in our loneliness,
allow forgiveness where it may be needed,
and gain courage to face the future unafraid.
Strengthen and draw us closer to one another.
Enable us to serve, and give to us that sense of peace and joy
that comes from knowing we are connected in life
and beyond this life. Amen.
Cynthia Breadner (as inspired by Fred Joblin)
Opening Prayer: Death as Part of Life
O God, Creator of all life,
help us to accept death as a part of life,
trusting in your goodness and great love
for every one of us.
We feel now the pain of parting with the one we love,
but we rejoice that we/so many were privileged
to experience life with her/him.
We entrust (name) to you in death,
as in life you entrusted her/him to us.
We pray in sincerity and hope. Amen.
William Kervin5
O God, you brought us to life, and you remind us that death is a natural part of life.
We come this (morning/afternoon) to celebrate the life of (name) whom we have known and loved, a friend and family member who has died.
We give you thanks for the whole range of human experience that was his/hers: the wonder, the joys, and the challenges.
Bless us in these moments of remembering that we may share the good stories of her life, and comfort (name)’s family in this time of loss, and comfort one another.
We pray in the name of the compassionate one, Jesus Christ. Amen.
God of all, you formed us in our mother’s womb and brought us to know life and love here on earth. The hairs on our heads are all numbered, and you know their count. Each part of our living is in the embrace of your care. And so, dear God, you know the sorrow in our hearts as we gather in this place, brought together by (name)’s death. You know also, dear God, how grateful we are for the days that we have shared.
Enfold us now into your tenderness, that in this time together, we might find healing and comfort, and offer you our praise. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
Bob Root
Connection with God in Life and in Death
There is no end to your compassion, Loving God.
It has touched us throughout the journey of life,
in help when we needed it most,
and hope when we reached life’s lowest ebb.
It was there at the end of (name)’s life and felt through the
presence of his/her family members and friends.
It is here this morning as we express our thanks to you,
and go about our remembering and telling our stories.
It will be there for us in the days
ahead as we face our loss and go about our grief work.
As (name) knows your eternal embrace, so give us that same wonderful hope that when our finite time merges into your time of infinite love, you will be there for us. Amen.
Timeless God
God of all time, God of our time,
we come before you in hope this (morning/afternoon).
Grant us joy in our remembering
and thankfulness for a life now complete.
Grant us openness as we express our loss
and comfort when we feel alone.
(Name) knows your peace now,
and the testing times of this life are over.
(Name) is embraced by your love now,
and your love will never let her/him go.
Eternal God, your hope is sure. Amen.
Death of a Cancer Sufferer
So many good and productive years lay before (name),
so many days to enjoy with family and friends,
so many days to share laughter and to give help,
so many days to make the world (or local community name) a kinder and more compassionate place.
It is because (name) died far too early that we feel his/her loss so acutely
and recognize how much we will miss her/his influence for good.
Be with us, compassionate God, and for the sake of (name), who died,
renew us as people of justice, kindness, and caring, your chosen people. Amen.
Death Due to an Accident
We come to this service scarcely able to believe that
(name) has gone from his family and friendship circle.
His/her absence is difficult to believe possible, difficult to take in.
We need your presence, O Most Loving God, to bring the reality of
(name)’s death home to us, to enable us to comfort one another,
and to assure us that in your loving presence she/he
is safe and happy and at peace.
Reassure us in this time together that there is no fear of ours that
is not known to you and no anxiety that is beyond our scope to handle.
We meet in the name of Jesus, your chosen one, who died suddenly, tragically, so much before his time. Amen.
For a Child
Loving God, your embrace (holy hug) supports us in life,
your Spirit watches over us in death.
We bless you for the joy shown by Jesus in little children,
and the assurance that of such is the kingdom of heaven.
In our sorrow, make us strong to commit ourselves
and those we love, to your unfailing care.
In our perplexity, help us to trust when we cannot understand.
In our loneliness, may we remember (name) in love,
trusting her/him to your gentle embrace and keeping. Amen.6
Loving God,
this family, these friends, loved (name) so much.
This family, these friends, miss (name) so much.
We are glad you stand with them and support them
at this time of loss.
Your love is infinite and compassionate;
in your love this little one is safe and always will be.
Your peace is limitless and certain;
in your peace, this family, these friends
may know a place of refuge, a place from which to venture out.
As you have blessed (name) so bless his/her loved ones
in the name of Jesus, who blessed the little children. Amen.
Loving God,
your eternal hug (holy hug) is for (name) who has died.
We have so many good memories of all she/he was to his/her parents and to us her/his family and friends;
memories to bring us to tears, memories to make us laugh out loud,
memories of the times she/he played with us, memories of the time she/he helped us and brought a smile to our faces.
We have been blessed by her/his presence among us, and we remember how Jesus blessed the little children who came to him and accepted them.
We know, Loving God, how you have welcomed (name), and we ask that we might show our thankfulness for her/his life by sharing our stories and supporting the children we know and those we don’t know whose needs are great.
We pray in the name of Jesus, who cared for boys and girls. Amen.
Prayer of Confession and Words of Assurance
When there are expressed feelings of guilt around the death of a loved one, a simple prayer of confession may be helpful to the grieving process. The words of assurance bring a sense of forgiveness and peace.
Eternal God,
In life and in death you are there for us,
we can count on you.
In our looking back you go with us,
and as we remember today you are our guide.
We are troubled in our remembering
by words unsaid and deeds not done.
We are troubled in our remembering
by opportunities missed and trust broken.
We are troubled in our remembering
by links of love ignored and faith forgotten.
In your compassion, grant us forgiveness.
In your mercy, grant us peace.
(time of silent confession)
Words of Assurance
One: Loving God,
you give us the opportunity
to put the past in the past.
You encourage us to make a fresh start.
Your pardon is for us and with us today.
We have nothing to fear.
All: Thanks be to God! Amen.
(Select appropriate sections of this prayer.)
Merciful, understanding God,
you know us through and through;
you are aware of our sense of unworthiness, and we
remember deeds and words that hurt, that caused anger,
bitterness, and resentment.
(time of silence)
Your word is pardon, that sense that we may know release
from the tyranny of past words and actions.
You are aware of our sense of loneliness;
we have feelings that no one else can know and share;
we experience anxiety and fear.
(time of silence)
Your word is presence, the presence of caring people, known and loved;
the presence of your strengthening, hopeful Spirit.
We have a strong sense of things left undone.
We are aware of all that could have been said or shared
or achieved.
(time of silence)
Your word is freedom; you allow us to break free
from the guilt that binds us, balancing our regret for
all we would like to change in the past with
memories of good times shared together.
You, Loving God, are aware of the situations where we
have put ourselves first and others last,
where we have been unfaithful to you, to your faith community,
and to our family members and to our friends.
(time of silence)
Your word is grace, free, unmerited love,
symbolized by the cross of Jesus,
a love that covers all our sins, a love without any limits at all. Amen.
Assurance of Pardon
Know, believe, and accept the graceful forgiveness of God.
You are God’s chosen ones. Accept God’s peace. Amen.
A Blessing after the Meditation
May you be blessed in your grieving.
May you find the peace that passes understanding.
May you know healing in your heart.
And may you keep (name)’s love ever close,
that you might share it with everyone you meet. Amen.
Bob Root
Prayer of Thanksgiving
During the service we will have offered thanks for the life of the person who has died through eulogies and the meditation. These thanksgivings will echo the feelings of the family members and friends of the deceased and will have stimulated them to remember other events and situations for which they are thankful. In thanksgiving prayers we direct our thanks to the God who has given us life in all its wonder, its variety, and its beauty.
In the following prayers of thanks there is time and space allowed for our own thanks to be offered to the Holy One. There is also a time for the thanks of the faith community to be offered. There is no sense here that the rough side of life is to be ignored or glossed over, but this shadow side is to be balanced by the immense and graceful gift that is our brief space of living on this earth and all that may be accomplished during this time.
General Thanksgiving
(Sections may be selected.)
Eternal God,
Source of life,
beyond knowledge and thought,
mysterious and profound;
we give thanks
because we have seen you
in (name), who has died.
We give thanks for your life in her/him
with all its achievements, all its struggles,
and for your love,
given and received by (name)
among family and friends.
We give thanks to you, our God, for (name)’s life.
(Include here three or four short specific thanksgivings, e.g.,
His love of his children and grandchildren
His concern for refugees,
His delight in gardening
His enjoyment of soft ice cream.)
And, in a few moments of silence,
bring our own special memories and thanksgivings before you.
(time of reflection)
And, in a few moments of silence, we bring the memories
of this faith community/church before you.
(time of reflection)
It is because of our good and varied memories
that our sorrow, now, is real
and our loss great.
Through one who enriched us by her/his presence…
As we honour (name),
we commit ourselves to live in her/his way,
with generosity, with caring, with concern for each other, and a song in our hearts
to make life not only bearable,
but also joyful and fulfilling
for all who struggle and are afraid.
As we honour (name),
we pray for ourselves,
because death disturbs us deeply
and raises unanswerable questions for us.
But we pray we may not be embittered by (name)’s death,
nor by the way in which it came,
that it may not cause us to think less of life but more;
that it may not turn us on ourselves in self-pity,
but will make us more eager to comfort others
in any sorrow of theirs.
Loving God,
give us all we need
for courage and strength today,
all we need for hope and peace today.
Be with us
here and everywhere;
be present for us
now and always,
Fulfiller of our past,
Strength of our present,
and Promise of our future,
through your Chosen One, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Alan Gaunt (adapted)7
God of the living, God of those who have died,
we come before you with thankfulness today.
We thank you for (name)’s life,
all the joy and achievement,
all the struggle and tough times.
The good memories shine out and invite us to
laughter and to share our own stories.
The broken dreams and the suffering
call us to remember
and to see the same patterns in our own life’s journey.
We thank you for
(Include three or four short, specific thanksgivings, e.g.,
Her love of her nephews and nieces
Her concern for those who have no permanent home
Her delight in painting
Her enjoyment of the lakeside cottage.)
In moments of silence we will offer our thanks and our
memories of (name) to you in prayer.
(time of silent reflection)
In moments of silence, we offer the thanks of this faith community
for all (name) gave in worship, service, and caring here.
(time of silent reflection)
It is because of our cherished memories
that we feel keenly the loss of (name)
and bring before you her/his family members.
(list names and relationships)
We bring before you all who will miss (name) so much.
In their remembering, bless them,
in their loss, be patiently with them,
in their grieving, comfort them,
in their new beginnings, stand with them,
and commission us as your helpers to
work with all those who mourn.
And grant us peace as we consider the limits
that are a reality of all our lives,
the limits that opportunity places on us,
the limits that our health imposes on us,
the limits that our limited lifespan brings home to us.
God of the living, God of those who have died,
in life and in death we are yours,
your love will never leave us. Amen.
We give you thanks, loving God, for your presence at every twist and turn of life and we thank you for your presence with us when the rhythm of our limited time merges with the beat of your eternal time.
You have been with us as we have today remembered (name, our friend and family member).
We thank you for the length and breadth and depth of (name)’s life, all of its challenges and all of its moments of wonder and fulfillment.
Each one of us here has memories that come to mind, and we bring them before you in moments of silence.
(time of silent reflection)
Many of the events we have remembered we will share over the coming days:
(Here follow some memories of the deceased. They can be enhanced by showing video clips or still photos of the person in life situations, e.g.,)
Memories of (name) in his workshop.
Memories of (name) as she made jam for her neighbours.
Memories of (name) laughing and playing with his grandchildren.
Memories of (name) in the garden she loved so much.
These memories warm our hearts, but they also deepen the sense of loss we feel at this service.
We thank you for them and we pray especially for (name)’s family as they come to terms with life without their loved one.
Your love, O God, is with them all the time.
Your Spirit will be experienced in a loyal companion when they feel alone.
Your Spirit will be experienced as a sense of hope when they are down or depressed.
Your Spirit will be experienced as a way forward when the future seems uncertain and bleak.
Your Spirit will be experienced in joy and laughter as memories are shared.
Hold (name)’s family members in your embrace and bless them, loving God, and reassure us as we are aware through (name)’s death of our own limited lifespan.
Renew in us the certainty of your love, the love that will not let us go.
Enable us to fully live each day with the care-fulness, adventure, and justice to which you call us, and enable us to see those who have suffered loss and stand with them shoulder to shoulder.
Our prayers of thanks we offer in the name of Jesus, risen and at work through today’s disciples. Amen.
Thanks in the Testing
Eternal God, with your whole church we rejoice
that nothing in life or death,
in this present age or in all the ages to come,
can separate us from your love
revealed in Jesus.
We hold on to that when as today we are tested by the loss of (name),
our good friend and family member;
tested when as a faith community we realize we have lost one of our own;
tested by the reality that we won’t see him/her again;
tested by the simple fact that we will miss him/her so much;
tested by thoughts of service and caring that might have been;
tested by the reality that we, too, will die.
And as we remember that the love of Jesus was shown
in down-to-earth practical ways—unselfishness,
compassion, healing, noticing, peace-bringing, and
trusting friendship—so we remember those aspects of (name)’s life
that resonated with God’s chosen one.
In moments of silence we bring before you, Most Holy One, our thanksgiving.
(time of silent reflection)
In moments of silence, we remember (name)’s worship and service in this church/faith community.
(time of silent reflection)
As we remember (name) with thanksgiving and joy, so we are glad that for him/her all the hard times of sickness and struggle are over and done with and he/she is reunited with those who loved her/him and is a part of that community who praise the Holy One without end.
Encourage and strengthen us through our sense of loss, O God.
Be with us as we remember and give thanks in the days that lie ahead.
May the Christian love that (name) knew and shared firmly guide and challenge our way of living, and may the risen hope of Jesus lead us on through death, to your closer presence.
Amen.
Exceptional Loss
We didn’t want to be here, God of love;
we did not want to hear the cherished memories of (name)’s life
or be aware of the huge loss that has been experienced.
We didn’t want to be reminded of our own limited lifespan.
We didn’t want to listen to the words of scripture that speak of eternal life, not at this time, not in this place.
But in spite of our wish to be anywhere but here, we came and we are glad.
We are glad that we have been here to share in worship and to be with (name)’s family, to comfort one another.
We are glad that we have been able to recall our own special memories of (name).
We bring some of those memories silently before you, loving God; we bring them with our deep thankfulness.
(time of silent reflection)
We are glad that we have been able to link our memories with those of others, remembering (name)’s love of the outdoors, her/his creative approach to cooking, the joy that was hers/his when the grandchildren came to stay...(include remembered joys of the person who has died).
And as our memory is deeply stirred, so the extent of this so sudden and tragic loss experienced by (name)’s family and close friends comes home to us. We stand ready to be a strong support to them in the weeks and months ahead, a practical help in getting through the issues that have to be faced when a loved one dies, but also as those who are simply there for them, to share conversation and to listen when grief, in one of its many disguises, makes its presence felt.
And we are glad, but also disturbed and challenged, as the significance of our limited lifespan comes home to us. We realize that we are called to listen to the sacred words that speak of a life that begins when this one ends and use them to enliven our daily work and activities.
Thanksgiving is sometimes the natural and easy way to go;
sometimes it results in unforeseen challenges and requests.
We offer our thanksgivings to you, loving God,
and ask that you use our talents and skills at this time of loss to help (name)’s family and as we encounter others who have experienced loss.
We offer our prayer hopefully for in Jesus Christ you have opened up for us the full dimension of compassion. We pray in his name. Amen.
Exceptional Loss and Unresolved Feelings
The death of (name) has been hard on all of us.
We have been angry about the way she/he died. We have been angry because there might have been more done to prevent (name)’s death. We have been angry that those who were responsible have not been held to account.
We have even been angry at you, God; we have felt that you remained unmoved by this tragedy/ could have stepped in and stopped this terrible event (or other feelings).
So we give thanks for this service for it has given us an opportunity to see (name)’s death in other ways.
We thank you that we have been able to look at the wonderful times and achievements of (name)’s short but full life. (Include details.)
We thank you for the certainty of your presence with (name)’s family and for those who have been there to comfort, to support, and to be the incarnation of your compassionate presence at this dark time.
We remember them; we pray for them.
(time of silence)
We ask that you will help us to value those qualities that you have endowed us with, and to value each day we have to use them.
We pray in the name of Jesus Christ, whose inspiring, courageous, and justice-seeking life was ended way before its time. Amen.
Death of Young Person at New Year
Compassionate God,
we are at a time when words seem so inadequate and our emotions
threaten to overwhelm us.
Help us to trust in your consoling love and a mercy that never fails.
Embrace us with gentle understanding.
Uphold each of us in everlasting care.
When tears overflow, may they cleanse our souls.
When sadness weighs us down, lift us up with holy power.
When anger dominates the very core of our being,
grant us the breathing space to find hope.
Blessed God, we pray for (name)’s family and for the circle of friends who were family to him/her.
We offer to you his/her (hockey/soccer/softball team), who have been devastated by his/her loss, and we pray for the many people of this locality (name of city or town) who are still in shock.
O God, at this time of end-of-year celebrations, give cool and wise heads to young persons; when temptation and pressure persuade,
may each look for alternatives that are safe and fun.
Embrace each of us with your strong arms of mercy—blanket us with peace and sustain us with your ever-present love at this time of sorrow, O Holy One.
For we pray in the name of Jesus, a young man killed in the prime of life. Amen.
Laura Turnbull (adapted)8
Commendation/Committal
Where the church service is complete or where the interment or scattering of ashes will be at some date yet to be determined, it is the usual practice to commit the loved one who has died to God. If there is a casket or urn present, the worship leader places his hand on the casket or urn and says words such as these:
Eternal God, for whom time is nothing,
Compassionate One, who received our loved ones when their lives were complete and will in turn receive us,
we praise you and we bless you that you bring (name),
our friend and family member, into your eternal presence.
We rejoice that for (name) all sickness and infirmity is over and done with, struggle is forgotten, and death itself is past.
We rejoice that she/he is secure within your divine love in a way beyond our imagining.
Bless us as you have blessed (name), and be with us when we feel lonely and afraid.
Fill our hearts with good memories of her/him as we return to our homes.
We pray in the name of the risen Jesus, defeater of death. Amen.
Eternal God,
We entrust (name) to the memories of each person
present in this place and to the memories of many
who could not be here today.
We entrust (name) to your unfailing love.
We entrust (name) to your abiding compassion.
Into the hands of a loving spirit,
we commend (name).
We celebrate our belief that (name) is now at peace
and experiencing, in joyful spirit,
the beauty of life beyond this life.
Cynthia Breadner (inspired by Fred Joblin)
(Name), go forth from this world
knowing that you are loved beyond the telling of it,
that you will be missed beyond the knowing of it,
that love never ends,
that you will be remembered and cherished,
and that one day,
we will be together again.
Now may you rest in the peace
that is prepared for you
in the wonderful presence of God.
Bob Root
Eternal God,
we entrust (name) to your unbounded love,
we entrust (name) to your unbounded care.
We have lost (name) from our midst, but we know
that he/she is at one with that great cloud of witnesses
that no one can number.
Be with us as we remember (name) fondly
and work through our grief.
Be with us as we share stories and
celebrate his/her time with us.
Be with us as we feel our own length of years
and strive to make the most of each hour of each day.
We put our trust in the risen Jesus Christ,
who leads us on through death to eternal joy.
And the grace of Christ who leads us,
the love of God that sustains us,
and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit
that works through us.
Be with you and with those you love,
now and always.
Amen.
May God in kindness bless our loss.
May God in wisdom receive our thanks.
May God in hopefulness bring us to a new tomorrow.
Thank you, God, for who you are to us,
and who you will continue to be.
Go in peace.
Until we meet again,
may you be held in the palm of God’s hand,
this day,
this night,
and forevermore. Amen.
Bob Root
(Name), go forth from this world
knowing that you have been loved,
that you will be missed,
that love never ends,
that you will be remembered,
and that one day,
we will be together again.
Bob Root
Commissioning
The committal can lead directly to the commissioning (see examples above) or the commissioning may be separate. The congregation is invited to stand.
Take courage.
Be confident and strong.
Go where you must go, do what you must do.
Shed tears, endure sorrow, live with loneliness,
but rejoice in memory.
Comfort each other, but put your hope in the Risen Christ,
who leads us on through death to resurrection and to eternal joy.
Alan Gaunt (adapted)
Following the singing of “She Flies On” (Voices United 380), you might use the following commissioning and benediction:
On a journey just begun, she flies on.
And in the passage of her flight,
her song rings out through the night,
full of laughter, full of light, she flies on.9
Enriched by our relationship with (name),
strengthened by the comfort of God,
companioned by the friendship of Christ,
let us leave this time and place of worship
with the blessing and peace and love
that is God’s gift to us
this day, this night, and for evermore.
Bob Root
Sending Forth
God goes with us,
rejoicing in our memories,
feeling our grief,
shedding our tears,
(entering our loneliness),
bringing us closer together,
restoring us to life,
setting hope clearly in front of us.
The source of courage and peace,
God goes with us, God will never leave us.
(The following prayer is based on A Song of Faith, a United Church affirmation of faith.)
Divine creation does not cease
until all things have found wholeness, union, and integration
with the common ground of all being.
As children of the Timeless One,
our time-bound lives will find completion
in the all-embracing Creator.
In the meantime, we embrace the present,
embodying hope, loving our enemies,
and caring for the earth.
Go into the world with a daring and tender love.
The world is waiting,
go in peace, and all that you do, do it by the power of love. Amen.
Cynthia Breadner (as inspired by Fred Joblin)
The words of our commissioning are words to ponder:
Live simply,
love generously,
serve faithfully,
pray daily,
and leave the rest to God.
Blessing/Benediction/Offering of God’s Peace
The last liturgical action in the service is for the worship leader to offer a blessing. The function of the blessing is to remind the congregation that the Holy One is at the heart of all that has been done and for each person to feel that, as they go from the service, the Spirit of God goes with them and will go with them in the coming days.
And now may the God who keeps our going out and our coming in,
from this time forth and forevermore,
hold you tenderly,
wipe your tears,
enable hope to be reborn in you,
and heal your hearts,
with the blessing of love, this day and forevermore.
Bob Root
The grace of Christ attend you,
the love of God surround you,
the Holy Spirit keep you.
Go from here in the way of the Compassionate One,
the God of Loving kindness,
the Christ who served continually,
the Spirit who is within each caring act.
May the blessing of God go with you,
the compassion of Jesus enthuse you,
and the Holy Spirit call you to action.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of God’s hand.
Traditional Gaelic blessing
Peace to you all.
Peace to each one of you.
Peace when loss is defeating.
Peace when loneliness aches.
Peace when the future is uncertain.
Peace when the circle is broken.
God’s peace that is foundational.
God’s peace that is unending.
God’s peace, a peace overflowing with love.
The peace that passes all understanding.
Go in peace! Amen.
A Commissioning and Benediction
Today—it’s the only one we have,
and it is God’s gift to us.
So as we leave this time and place of worship,
may we go with ears open to hear God’s Word to us,
in all the places our feet take us,
in all the people that we meet on the road,
in all that we do in God’s world.
Bob Root
Benediction
And now let us leave this time together,
firmly anchored in the love of God that will not let us go,
linked arm in arms in strong and secure friendships,
trusting in the promise of healing,
and grateful for the gift of life to hold us, enrich us, and keep us
this day, this night, and always.
Bob Root
Service Ending
The blessing is the formal end of the service. If the interment is to follow the service directly, the worship leader will go in front of the casket as it is moved down the aisle with the family behind it. If there are cremated remains, then a family member may carry the urn with the worship leader leading.
For many services the urn will be left in place on the communion table and the worship leader asks the congregation to stand and leads the family out of the sanctuary.
In some funeral homes, the practice is for the congregational members to file out past the casket or urn as an act of respect to the deceased. Some will touch the casket, and some will offer a silent prayer as they pass.
It is good if a well-known and upbeat song or hymn is sung as the family members leave.
The funeral director and worship leader will lead the family and friends to the graveside. If the remains of the loved one are in a casket, they will be carried by pallbearers chosen by the family and under the direction of a member of the funeral home staff. The urn may be carried by a family member. The arrangement of the family around the grave will be the responsibility of the worship leader if no funeral home staff member is present. Because the service is carried out in the open air and sound does not carry well, it is essential for the worship leader to “shepherd” the family members and friends close together. The worship leader should take note of the age and physical abilities of elderly family members prior to the service, and folding chairs should be brought to the graveside even if the elderly congregants initially decline to use them.
If the weather forecast threatens rain, then umbrellas should be brought by the family members, and the worship leader should bring her own. This umbrella should be held by another during the service. If the weather on the day of the service turns very cold or if there is heavy rain, the worship leader may suggest to the family that the service be completed in the sanctuary or other place. She will point out the dangers to the health of the living and that these outweigh the need to be present at the final service for those who have died.
Call to Worship
Scripture sentences different from those above may be used. The worship leader may want to think about the state of mind of the mourners before choosing specific passages. Some selections follow.
You are indeed my rock and fortress [O God];
for your name’s sake lead me and guide me.
(Psalm 31:3)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.
(John 14:27)
Paul writes:
I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us….
Who will separate us from the love of Christ?...
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:18, 35, 38, 39)
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory
through our Lord Jesus Christ!
Therefore my beloved, be steadfast, immovable,
always excelling in the work of the Lord,
because you know that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.
(1 Corinthians 15:57, 58)
Graveside Preface
My friends, we gather in this place to honour the life of (name). We come to remember (name)’s life and to acknowledge (name)’s death. A cemetery is a wonderful place to learn about life. Here we remember that the line between this world and the next is only a breath away—not far at all. We cannot come here today and not know that others have had broken hearts besides ourselves, and that, while our experience of loss is uniquely ours, others, too, have known the pain of physical separation. This family has stood in this place before to honour loved ones. There are reminders all around us of our mortality. But here in this place we find also the gentle spirits of those who have gone before us, those folk who, by the strength given to them, lived as fully and as richly as they were able and, having finished their work among us, then returned to the welcoming arms of God. We are never far from those we love, nor are they far from us.
Bob Root
Opening Prayer at Graveside
God, as we gather to give thanks
to you for sharing (name) with us,
as now we come to return (name)’s
earthly remains to their final resting place,
we ask for your comforting arms around us.
May we may know peace, healing, and hope today,
and in the days ahead.
Bless the ground that receives (name)
and bless those who have gathered to honour him.
We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Bob Root (adapted)
Committal
Prior to the committal, earth may be cast on the coffin or sand in the form of a cross on the urn. Then the worship leader will say the following.
Into God’s keeping and into God’s unfailing love we commend our brother/sister who has died.
(Funeral) We commit her/his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
(Cremated remains) We commit her/his ashes to the ground/place of burial, earth to earth, dust to dust, trusting to God’s great mercy by which we have been born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
or
In the strong hope of a life renewed beyond our understanding,
we commit (name)’s body/these ashes to the ground/place of burial,
thankful for all his/her life was to us,
deeply missing his/her presence with us,
believing he/she is in the company of all the saints,
confident he/she is embraced by God’s love beyond all time.
As these words are being said, the casket or urn will be lowered into the ground or placed in the burial niche. The worship leader may invite family members to place flowers in the grave. At this time, family members and friends may reflect in silence on their loved one.
Worship leader then says, “Let us pray.”
Prayer of Confidence and Assurance
Almighty God, you have bound together all your people in heaven and earth (on earth and beyond the limits of our existence) in one holy fellowship. Let not our thoughts linger here, but help us to believe that your servant’s life has made a new beginning with your mercy and your love still around him/her. Strengthened by this assurance, may we return to the experience of life that awaits us in the world, resolved to be more faithful to you and more helpful to one another, for the sake of those no longer with us upon earth. Amen.
Alan Gaunt
or
This has been a hard day, loving God, for we have had to say farewell to (name), one so well loved. Accept our feelings of sadness and loss.
But this has been a good day as we have remembered a life that has touched so many family members and friends with friendship and compassion, encouragement and love.
Accept our feelings of thanksgiving and joy.
(Name) has gone from us but she/he has not gone from you.
Your love that touched her/him in life has embraced her/him in death
and will never let her/him go.
Believing this, we return to our homes with confidence for our faith has been strengthened and we have been inspired to serve our fellow men and women justly and compassionately.
We take all that was good and worthy in our beloved’s life with us as we go.
In the name of the risen Jesus Christ, we pray. Amen.
Commissioning
(Optional; see selection above.)
Blessing
(See selection on previous pages.)
Now may the loving kindness of the Holy One,
the compassion of the Christ,
and the enthusiasm/inspiration of the Holy Spirit
be with you and with those you love,
in time and beyond time. Amen.
The location of the committal will be in a place authorized for human remains. For a body, there are specific areas—gardens of remembrance, cemeteries, columbaria—where the remains must by law be buried, but for cremated remains there are no regulations in most places except that they must not be scattered in a public area. What many people do not understand is that the cremated remains of a human body are not like dust, but consist of many small but highly visible skeletal fragments. If the person who died has requested that his ashes be scattered on the 11th green of his favourite golf course, it would be wise to check with the green keeper first! Common sense will guide most families. A request for the ashes of a loved one to be spread in the waters of the ocean, or a large lake, or a forest can usually be met with no problems. If, however, the request centres on a public park where the deceased was especially happy, his family should do well to think again.
An alternative here is for the largest part of the ashes to be located in a conventional garden of remembrance or niche and for a very small portion to be scattered according to the wishes of the person who has died. One challenge with random scattering is that there is no longer any place where family members may go to feel close to the last earthly remains of their loved one.
There are nowadays many innovative ways in which the remains or a proportion of the remains may be disposed of, e.g., blown glass containers, lockets, artworks, and even diamonds, and any funeral home will be ready to advise.
It is assumed that this will be a simple service, combining major elements of the funeral service or life celebration with the interment, but with no music. With modern sound amplification equipment, however, it is possible to play hymns and songs and for singing to be a part of the service. If this is done, the use of well-known hymns or a soloist is recommended.
The service order will use the same liturgical elements as those in the funeral service or life celebration and the interment. The worship leader will lead the group from the cars to the graveside, going ahead of the casket or urn. When the casket or urn is in position beside the grave, she will gather the people together, and the service will begin.
•Scripture sentences (if not said on the way to the graveside)
•(Preface to the service)
•Opening prayer
•Readings: sacred and secular
•Meditation (may include short eulogy by a family member)
•Prayer of thanksgiving and the Lord’s Prayer
•Words of committal
•Flowers/letters dropped in or on the grave by family members
•(Prayer of assurance)
•Commissioning and blessing
•Time for the family and friends to comfort each other and to pray around the graveside
Note: The meditation given by the worship leader will tend to be shorter and less formal than in the funeral home or church chapel. There should be an opportunity before, during, or after the meditation for family members to speak about their loved one. If the group is small, a general invitation may be given for people to offer “a few words about Dad/Grandpa/ John.”
It is common practice for flowers to be dropped into the grave, but small and meaningful objects and personal notes may be dropped there as well. I know of a graveside service when a “Ticket to Heaven” was touchingly placed in the grave of a parent by one of her children.
If the weather is poor, then the service should be cut to a minimum or shelter sought. The eulogies can be spoken in the hall or home where the refreshments are offered. The health of the living should not be compromised by a long, uncomfortable service. Those who have died wouldn’t want that!
There will be times when the family will choose to have an interment of ashes some time after the service with no clergy person or celebrant present. The question may well be asked of the worship leader who conducted the celebration or service, “How do we bury Dad? What do we say?”
The decision to inter the cremated remains of a loved one may be a signal that family members are ready to bring the time of grief to a close. Remind the family members that arrangements have to be made to open the grave. This can be done by contacting the cemetery office. It is useful to suggest that one family member coordinate the service, but participation of other family members, especially younger ones, would be welcomed.
A simple service such as the one that follows is usually sufficient. It is assumed that faith references will be appreciated. If not, some of the secular material may be incorporated.
Leader: We have come to say a last “goodbye,” to Alex/Dad/Grandpa. We are going to put this urn with his earthly remains into the ground in a moment, but we have also come to remember that he is surrounded by God’s love now and always will be.
Family member: This is a reading from the Bible (or reading from another source) that Grandpa always liked:
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:38–39)
Thanks be to God!
(Or read Psalm 23 or choose another reading, sacred or secular.)
Leader: We have some things to say about what we remember and will miss about Grandpa. Some of you have told me you want to speak, but others might have words they want to share, too.
Examples
Grandson: I will miss his fishing lessons.
Sister: I remember how when we were on the farm his job was to chop the firewood and gather up the hen’s eggs. I will miss his big hugs
Brother: I won’t miss his snoring in bed when we shared a room. I will miss his puns...well, maybe!
Wife: He was a good man, a good husband, and I’m already missing him a whole lot.
Committal
Leader: Into God’s keeping for always, and into God’s unfailing love forever, we commit these last earthly remains of (name), ashes to ashes, dust to dust. He is gone from us but he is with the Holy One, and so we let him go.
(Two family members lower the urn into the grave.)
Family Member: Let us pray. Loving God, we thank you that we have been able to gather as a family this morning/afternoon to remember our loved one and say “goodbye” to him.
We remember the ways in which he touched our lives with wisdom, with practical help, with listening, and with laughter (insert the appropriate qualities). In a few moments of quiet we will remember Alex/husband/Grandpa and some of those good times we shared with him, and some of the great family times. (time of reflection) He is gone from our family circle now, but we are sure he is with you, God of our time, God beyond time. We believe that he is fulfilled and happy and always will be, and that for him the good mysteries of what happens when we die have been revealed. We believe that your love, God, has hugged him tight and that your love will never let him go.
Be with us when we especially miss (name), our loved one, and be with us as we remember him and share our memories with each other.
We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
The Lord’s Prayer
(optional)
Placing of Flowers, Notes, and Mementos
Leader: This is your opportunity to place your flowers and other mementoes in memory of Alex on or in the grave. Come forward in your own time. (Family members bring forward flowers and other items.)
Leader: Let us all join hands.
Go with each one of us as we leave this place, gracious God.
In our remembering, bless us.
In our dealing with (the loss of name) (our grieving), comfort us.
As we share our feelings one with the other, strengthen us.
As we meet with you in prayer, bring us peace,
the peace that Alex knows—your peace, loving God, that passes all understanding. Amen.
There follows a time of family hugs and greeting. There is time for personal reflection and prayer around the grave before all leave the cemetery.
Whether or not this is a formal liturgy, it is necessary to have some words that speak of the significance of death and its natural order in the scheme of all living things.
Sentences
For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die.
(Ecclesiastes 3:1–2)
Say not in grief, “He/she is no more.”
But live in thankfulness she/he was.
(Hebrew proverb)
Purpose of the Gathering of Family and Friends
The purpose of the gathering would be modified to reflect the non-religious content of the coming together of family and friends. Here is an example:
Opening Responsive Statement
We have come to this service to celebrate the life of (name), whose life has ended.
It is good to be here!
We have come to join with others who knew him/her and loved him/her, to share our memories, and to tell our stories.
It is good to be here!
We have come to tell of all we have lost in (name)’s passing, to put our grief into words, and to follow words with actions.
It is good to be here!
We have come as family and friends to remember the effect of (name)’s life on each of our lives.
It is good to be here!
Preface
(Name) was not religious, so today’s celebration of life is steeped in a wider spiritual understanding, an understanding of how our existence is part of the evolution of all we know. By “spiritual” we mean that there was within him/her a deep awareness of what truly gives life meaning and purpose: showing love, being compassionate, giving to others, being welcoming as though everyone you meet is family, appreciating the gift of life, and giving back to others without expectation of return.
Cynthia Breadner (as inspired by Fred Joblin)
We give thanks for (name),
whose life is over.
We have come to share our sense of loss
over our well-loved family member and friend.
His/her presence was there for us in times of testing,
and we are here for his/her loved ones as they feel their loss.
Her/his presence was there for us in times of joy,
and we are here for his/her loved ones as they celebrate his/her life.
The memories remain and will endure, and we are thankful.
Readings
There will be no opening prayer, but there could be readings. Mostly they would be secular, but again, some might be taken from the sacred writings of Christian, Hebrew, Buddhist, and other faith groups.
Death is not the extinguishing of the light but the blowing out of the candle because the dawn has come.
Rabindranath Tagore10
All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
Julian of Norwich11
Life is eternal and love is immortal,
and death is only an horizon,
and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
William Penn12
High Flight
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
of sun-split clouds—and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of—wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air...
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew—
And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
John Magee13
Death is not The End,
But the beginning
Of a metamorphosis.
For matter is never destroyed,
Only rearranged—
Often more perfectly.
Witness how,
in the moment of the caterpillar’s death,
the beauty of the butterfly is born,
and, released from the prison of the cocoon,
it flies free.
Peter Tatchell14
Celebration of Life
We come to the celebration of life and the elements of thanksgiving and sense of loss that are usual parts of a Christian service. These elements will also be present here. What will not be present is the hope of resurrection found in all four Christian gospels and in the letters of Paul. What will be found is the sense that the deceased will live on in the memory of family members and friends. Read the following suggestion.
Safe where we cannot lie yet…(see “Secular Committal Service” below).
or
Afterglow
I’d like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I’d like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I’d like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I’d like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun;
of happy memories that I leave when life is done.
Anon.
There will be a central emphasis on remembering the life in the celebration event that may not be prominent in a faith community service. But as the celebrant meets with the family it will be appropriate for him/her to carefully review the various aspects of the person’s life as I have detailed in chapter 8 “Concerning the Family.” All the areas detailed there will be covered: birthplace, early years, life in the family home or farm, work experience, friendship, marriage, children, family, and so on.
There are several different ways that the celebration of life may be handled, and all the elements detailed in chapter 8 “Concerning the Family,” including the section describing the crafting of the meditation, will apply: the need to ask the appropriate friend or member of the family to give a eulogy and then the need to limit the time they speak; the wisdom (or not) of an open mike and an invitation to members of the gathered group to share a memory or story; the use of stories rather than facts because stories bring the person alive in a way that encourages family and friends to say to themselves, “Yes, Joan/Jim was like that”; and the place for photographs, video images, and physical objects relating to the person who has died.
Time of Giving Thanks
In the traditional church order a prayer of thanksgiving would follow. During this prayer aspects of the person who has died would be remembered, both aloud and silently, the sense of loss that those present are feeling to a greater or lesser extent would be brought out into the open, and the hope for a life that starts when this one ends would be advanced.
This last element of the celebration would not be mentioned in a non- religious situation, but thanks and the sense of loss could be usefully included in a secular celebration, plus the sense that the person who has died lives on in the memories of those who were near and dear to him.
If the person who has died has made a significant contribution to her profession or social group, her faith community or trade union, then she will live on through a group that has been enhanced, encouraged, renewed, or restored by her presence. This factor should be mentioned in the celebration time. So the celebrant might introduce this time as follows:
We have heard so many wonderful reasons to give thanks for Bill’s life and some of his tough experiences as well. We want to give thanks for all of it—
the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the pain.
(Celebrant highlights some examples.)
His lifelong appreciation of country music,
his skill in wood turning and the beautiful furniture he made,
his leadership in the union movement,
the love he shared with wife, Norma, and with the children and grandchildren.
In a couple of minutes of silence let us remember Bill and all he meant to us…
(time of silence)
As an option this would be an appropriate time to ask people to share their own memories with individuals nearby.
We cherish the memories we have of Bill and we are aware of all that we have lost in his death. As we consider our own loss, so we are very well aware of all the close family have lost in Bill’s death, and we remember them: Norma, in all you shared with Bill over the years; Bill’s son, Graham, and daughters Emily and April; and the grandchildren whom Bill loved and played with so much. Sufficient to say that you are in the thoughts, not only of all of us here, but also of others who wish they could be with us today and are with us in spirit. It is hard to lose someone so caring and willing to challenge us to be the best we are able to be. I would remind you all that those deepest feelings of loss need bringing out into the open and sharing with a best friend or grief group or counsellor, for in the act of sharing, peace will come.
Bill has died, Bill is gone, but he is not forgotten. He will live on in the memories of each person here. The stories that we have and the stories that are our own will not die, but will be passed on and will delight generations yet to be. Bill has passed from our sight, but our memories remain, and we are thankful.
Conclusion
For the person who has died, there will be no committal to God’s care, but for the environmentally concerned a commitment to Mother Earth is appropriate. Then the celebrant might say the following.
I know that Bill would not want this to be a time when anyone felt left out and new friends were not made, so I will ask you to stand and greet those around you. Introduce yourself to those you don’t know, sharing your own name.
This should not last more than two minutes, when the person presiding should ask the family and friends to sit down. Then the celebrant can give information about where refreshments will be served and some confident words to send the gathered group on their way with thanksgiving and hope in their hearts.
We leave this time of celebration with thanks for every good memory that is ours with Bill.
We will not forget Bill, nor will we forget his family in the days and weeks ahead.
When we feel our loss, we will comfort one another.
When we feel down, we will encourage one another
When we feel afraid, we will receive strength from one another.
And hope will go with us.
or
In this place (of worship or) of friendship,
it has been good to be together.
To share our memories, the good ones and the hard ones,
it has been good to be together.
To meet old friends of Bill, to express our feelings at his death,
and to comfort one another,
it has been good to be together.
To recognize the limit of our own lifespan and to face up to the mystery that lies ahead,
it has been good to be together.
In times of uncertainty and in the hope of renewed life day by day,
it has been good to be together.
The location of the committal or scattering of the last earthly remains of a loved one will affect the words said at the ceremony. The first situation to be considered is the committal of a body or cremated remains at a cemetery. The family member or celebrant gathers the friends and family members around the grave and begins the ceremony with a reading such as:
Safe where we cannot lie yet,
safe from the fret and fume;
You and you,
whom we will never forget.
Christina Rossetti (adapted)15
Celebrant: It is good to be here as family and friends of Fred. We celebrate his life and we remember all he was to each one of us.
The celebrant will have spoken to family members to determine whether any of them wish to speak briefly about their loved one. If they do, this is a time to say what she/he meant to them. If no family member wishes to speak, the celebrant may talk briefly about things special to the person who has died, drawn from his conversations with the family.
We remember his love of the grandchildren.
We remember his life’s work as a teacher.
We remember his enjoyment of fishing.
We remember his peaceful death.
And in moments of silence we will remember Fred,
the good times we spent together, the laughter we shared,
the tough times of ill health.
(minute or two of silence)
And now we commit the cremated remains of Fred to the (good earth).
(Family members lower the urn into the grave.)
Fred lives in the memory of children and grandchildren.
Fred lives in the stories of colleagues and friends.
Fred lives through his contribution to the profession of teaching/
work in the union movement.
Fred lives in his unique contribution to human experience.
We rejoice in the ways in which he has enriched our days,
each one of us in special ways.
Fred will not be forgotten.
1 All prayers credited to Bob Root are used with kind permission of the author. They may be reproduced for funerals and celebrations of life only.
2 Prayer from the Book of Worship, United Church of Christ ©1986 United Church of Christ. The Pilgrim Press. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
3 Celebrate God’s Presence, A Book of Services for The United Church of Canada (United Church Publishing House, 2000), p. 449. Copyright UCPH.
4 All prayers credited to Cynthia Breadner (as inspired by Fred Joblin) are used with kind permission of the author. They may be reproduced for funerals and celebrations of life only.
5 All prayers credited to William Kervin are used with kind permission of the author. They may be reproduced for funerals and celebrations of life only.
6 Celebrate God’s Presence, A Book of Services for The United Church of Canada (United Church Publishing House, 2000), p. 450. Copyright UCPH.
7 Alan Gaunt © 1973 All prayers credited to Alan Gaunt have been adapted and/or used with kind permission of the author. They may be reproduced for funerals and celebrations of life only.
8 All prayers credited to Laura Turnbull have been adapted and/or used with kind permission of the author. They may be reproduced for funerals and celebrations of life only.
9 Our thanks for permission to quote from the song “She Flies On,” words by Gordon Light © Common Cup Company.
10 Rabindranath Tagore, 1861–1941. In the public domain.
11 Julian of Norwich, 1342 ca.–1416. In the public domain.
12 William Penn, 1644–1718. In the public domain.
13 “High Flight” by John Magee. Copyright 2014 This England Publishing Limited. Used with permission.
14 “Death Is Not the End but the Beginning” by Peter Tachell. Permission granted by author.
15 “Is It Well with the Child?” Christina Rossetti, 1830–1894 (adapted). In the public domain.