And now do you see how the tiniest disagreements spiral out of control? Do you? Do you? DO YOU REALLY? DO YOU? OH REALLY? DO YOU? DO YOU REALLY?
Well, OK then.
You see, just as the tiny acorn must one day grow into the mighty elephant, Mr Gum and Billy’s fight had grown bigger and bigger by the hour. And the Incident of Billy and the Flies had pushed it over the edge. It was
W-A-R.
And that spells trouble.
So hide your heads in shame, my friends. For Lamonic Bibber’s darkest days were now upon it.
The Dinnertime Wars had begun.
KA-BOOOOOOOOM!
Entrails and kebab scrapings flew through the skies as Mr Gum and his new pals slugged it out with Billy William the Third.
KA-&LLLLAAAAAAAM!
Pig skulls and sheep bones littered the wartorn ground. The streets ran red with chilli sauce.
A news reporter tried to sneak in with a helicopter but Greasy Ian got him with a pickled egg right between the eyes and he went home and cried to his mum.
KA-BLIMMMMMO!
By day the sun was hidden behind clouds of oily smoke. By night the sun was hidden because it was night-time. The townsfolk hid in their houses and the days grew dark, for that ghastly demon WAR stalked the earth, my friends. WAR, WAR, WAR!
The entrails soared and the fat it spattered! In the Dinnertime Wars that was all that mattered!
The fat it spattered and the entrails soared! As the demon of WAR it rumbled and roared!
BOOM BOOM BOOM!
BANG BANG BANG!
Billy fighting the Kebab Shop Gang!
CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER! CHATTER CHATTER CHEE!
Just like hell where the Devil be!
FIRE FIRE FIRE!
FAT FAT FAT!
One of Billy’s burgers hit a passing cat!
CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER!
CHATTER CHATTER CHEE!
Three against one and one against three!
And the fighting flared and the sky turned black!
Greasy Ian accidentally kicked his monkey in the back!
And the sky turned black and the fighting flared!
And the people of the town were running scared!
WAR WAR WAR!
WOO WOO WOO!
Run, Billy run, they’re after you!
CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER!
CHATTER CHATTER CHEE!
Mr Gum squirting sauce at a sycamore tree!
BUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE!
BOIL BOIL BOIL!
Greasy Ian, slopping out the oil!
CHATTER CHATTER CHATTER!
CHATTER CHATTER -
‘NO! Not that monkey again!’ cried Martin Launderette, who ran the launderette. ‘I can’t take it anymore!’
Big fat Jonathan Ripples ducked as a chicken carcass came hurtling by.
‘I used to dream about flying food!’ he trembled. ‘But not like this!’
‘Innocent people are getting hurt!’ cried innocent people. ‘Ouch!’
Billy launched a frozen turkey high into the air.
KA-BAAAAAAAB!
Greasy Ian rumbled a drum of flaming chip fat down the high street.
KA-LAAAAAUUUUUGH!
Mr Gum’s insane laugh echoed off the gravy-splattered buildings.
‘I’ve lived through eight World Wars,’ declared Old Granny, taking a sip from the bottle of sherry she always kept hidden in her hair. ‘But I’ve never seen anything as bad as this. We’ve got to get out of town!’
The townsfolk huddled in their houses, awaiting their chance to escape. And all around them the meat threw thick and fast.
KA-BOOM!
KA-BLAM!
KA-END OF CHAPTER!
