In this book I’ve talked quite a bit about growing your professional value. But the real challenge is to integrate your expanded career goals and opportunities with your personal life. The big picture is about finding professional success without losing sight of everything that makes life worthwhile.
We all need to ask ourselves hard questions about what we really want out of life. And we need to have difficult talks with the people we love about what they want from us—and from their own lives as well. We have to learn who we really are—our very core sense of self—which extends far beyond the assessment of our professional worth.
What does success mean to you as an individual? Is it getting a promotion? Or making a lot of money? Feeling fulfilled in your career? Being able to buy things for your kids? Going on fancy vacations? What is it, after all, that we are chasing after? And what about your personal life—doesn’t “success” have a role there too? What is the deeper meaning of “value”? Certainly we all have to earn a living, and it’s extremely important to feel fulfilled in your professional life. But what about outside the workplace—how does our inner sense of purpose compare to what we desire and aspire to in our careers? And can the two values ever truly complement each other?
Thinking about this topic as I’ve been writing this book and talking to so many successful women, I now believe that we can maneuver our lives in the direction we choose—and in a manner that reflects our personal goals as well as our career aspirations. I feel more sure than ever that a woman can truly be successful only to the extent that her many roles are able to blend. And further, as working women, spouses, and mothers, I believe that we should not have to live two completely separate lives, presenting two conflicting personalities in a way that leaves us depleted and exhausted.
As women, we need to grow our inner value through our relationships with spouses, partners, children, other family members, and friends. And we must merge our personal essence and beliefs with what we’re striving for in the workplace. All of the various aspects of our lives need to be nourished, tended to, and energized, not simply because it’s our “job” to do so but for genuine gratitude and joy. To be a truly successful person—whether or not you have kids or are in a committed relationship—you need to sustain your connection to your loved ones. This encompasses the quality of all your relationships, of communication and harmony in your marriage, of your home life, of your friendships, of your spirit, of yourself as a human being.
To accomplish this, above all else, you must be honest about what fulfills you as an individual. If you do not authentically connect to your inner value, you will never understand the contours of your heart, mind, and spirit. Even if your career continues to skyrocket, you will definitely not be successful in the most complete sense of the word unless your core values are integrated with your professional life.
Is your connection to your partner or spouse and to your children suffering? Have the courage to shut off the laptop after dinner and hang out with your family. Unless you’re expecting an important e-mail from a different time zone or an urgent phone call, the workday should end at a certain point. When you aren’t around anymore, your gravestone won’t read “Her In-Box Was Empty” or “She Answered All Her E-mails.” And keep in mind that the time you carve out to be with your children now will be repaid when you are retired, and they are the ones who will need to stop working and spend time with you.
In addition to nurturing your relationships, it’s important for your own personal growth to do things that feed your heart, mind, and spirit. If all we do is work, then we can become incredibly one-sided and narrowly focused. Try volunteering once a month at a women’s shelter or food pantry. Attend a place of worship and be a part of that community. Take care of your physical and mental health by getting enough exercise and eating right. Such activities, which are so easy to cut out of our lives when we feel that we’re stretched for time, can nurture and sustain us on many levels. Participating in the things that feed our souls can be a source of energy that helps us deal with the demands and stresses of work.
Again, be sure to maintain your support network and stay connected to your friends. As we’ve discussed, close friendships can even have a health benefit, and they definitely provide stability and emotional support. The sense that you have a strong community behind you and your family is reassuring and can even be life-saving.
For Millennials another challenge in growing your value will come as your life expands and becomes more multilayered and dynamic. When you marry, have kids, deal with health challenges and unemployment, and cope with aging parents, your connection to your inner goals and beliefs will be even more important. As you hone your brand in the workplace, ask yourself who you are and what you are willing to pay for that increased market value. Set your sights high, push hard for your career goals, but never lose sight of the connection between being successful and being in touch with what fulfills you as a person.
And if you want professional success, don’t be afraid to go for it. After all, men do! It’s okay to be a woman and to be ambitious. Understand that any partner or spouse will have to deal with the fact that a good chunk of your time will be spent elsewhere. Don’t pretend that you can be in two places at once. Don’t gloss over your ambition; it should be respected and understood. You can only be your best if everyone—especially you—knows this up front.
Be sure to have provider pride, particularly if you’re the main breadwinner. This is the term that Cindi Leive coined, and it is so appropriate. Trust me: everyone is happy if you are contributing to their financial security. Be proud of your contribution. If you are okay with it, they will be okay with it. Go ahead and provide, but cut back on other responsibilities without torturing yourself. Don’t worry about making homemade meatloaf; that can be purchased. And hire someone to clean the house. You are one person, just like a man is one person. You cannot do it all.
On the flip side, you can take pride in stepping off the fast track if you decide to pull back on your career to spend time pursuing personal goals. If this is what feels right to you, then go ahead and follow your heart. For some women it makes sense to take a step back or to stay in place career-wise rather than pursue the next promotion or remain on the treadmill. Again, it’s a personal choice. Only you know what is right for you.
And whether you’re working toward your professional or personal goals, be aggressive about getting what you want. Aggressiveness is a good thing, and I am determined to take this word and suggest that everyone see it as a positive. When we were playing family soccer and I was gaining on my big brothers, making my way to the goal, my father always urged me, “Go, Mika! Be aggressive!” I was trained to see it as a very positive quality. Call it passion, joy, or just loving what you’re doing. Call it what you want—just find a way to move the meter for yourself. And understand that this may require intensity and laser-like focus.
Expand your village. Professionally this means networking all the time, everywhere. You never know who is going to end up being a critical contact, so it never hurts to talk to people who are in completely different fields from yours. One day that person may be a key player in a business deal you have no way of envisioning now. (Or they may wind up driving you to the doctor when your husband is out of town.) It’s good to be in a room with a lot of really smart people. You get to hear their ideas, and you can bounce yours off people who may have already done a lot of thinking about what you’re working on—or even accomplished it at their own companies. Listen, learn—and get out there!
Personally this means finding ways to keep the bonds of friendship alive with people who are traveling the same path in life. Your friendships will be a lifeline to you—and as stated earlier, having people you can rely on is like having money in the bank.
The main point is to live your life without regrets. We only get one shot at it, so don’t neglect your inner value for your professional goals. Both are equally important to your happiness. I have spent the past year interviewing distinguished, powerful women for this book. I learned about how they bridged their business and personal lives—and translated their work and passion into values that bolstered them as human beings. Yet my own house was divided. My sense of professional worth had never soared so high, but my inner sense of self was collapsing on the floor; particularly on the day my daughter ran up the stairs away from me. As so often happens when we hit bottom, a tiny seed of change was planted. And it has begun to grow.
Throughout the course of writing this book my inner conflicts and struggles have been laid bare. It was impossible not to address some of these issues, and they’re far, far bigger than I ever thought they were. In some ways, now that I look back on my journey, it was inevitable that talking with others—thinking about you, my readers—would compel me to take a deep dive into myself. Writing an honest assessment of the challenges that women face has forced me to take a hard look at myself and my life. This is especially true because work-life balance has been an issue for me ever since I began my career.
I have had to come to terms with what drove a lot of my decisions. Why I have missed parent-teacher conferences. Why I have missed birthday parties. Why I have left my family eating dinner without me night after night, week after week, year after year. I have also had to come to terms with my own “acting job”—the jittery, upbeat, shopping-spreeing supermom wannabe who does a song and dance for my husband and daughters when I feel guilty about having made those decisions. I have had to think about why I assume that my family resents and dislikes me when, in fact, the opposite is true. It has been painful. It has taken a lot of soul-searching. I feel as if it was risky to share it with you. But that’s how I roll.
All of my books end with the bare truth, not with some pretty bow that wraps it up perfectly. And I did not expect this book to have any pretty bows attached to it—at all. In fact, there was a big part of me that was afraid to write this book. I was fearful of having to confront the very issues that I’ve been asking you to address. Having said that, as I have hit this final chapter, I’m actually encouraged. And surprised. Over the course of writing, questioning, listening, and ruminating, I have taken some dramatic turns in my life. And I have come to terms with my sacrifices. Not all of them were in vain.
For one thing—and perhaps most importantly—I have sought counseling about my relationship with my entire family. And not just any counseling either—several different counselors. I have wept, regretted, turned myself inside out. I have put it all under the microscope. I have fought, and I have struggled with the courage to be truthful. It has not been easy for me or for the people I love and who love me. I have forced all those around me to come right back at me with the truth they see. To give it to me straight, no matter how much I defend myself—or cry with regret and guilt.
The process has not been pretty—just like writing this book. It has been a struggle and an incredible balancing act. I have had to understand, at a deep-root level, what it means to grow my own inner value and to plant it within the hallowed grounds of my professional value. I have taken days off to be with my family, and the sky has not fallen in at Morning Joe. I have taken time off work to lie in the hospital bed and hold my mother’s hand. I have learned about the preciousness of closeness, of honesty, of time itself. I have begun to learn to stop saying “Yes!” to every invitation to grow my professional brand. And I have begun to say “Yes!” to growing my heart and soul.
And—surprise! All of my relationships have improved for the first time in years. Instead of seeing an empty dinner table with cold takeout waiting for me as I get home too late again, I now see light and hope at the end of the tunnel. I can actually say that it is the direct result of putting all of this down on paper and talking in a real way with other women who were courageous enough to put it out there too. Women like Claire McCaskill. Indra Nooyi. Judith Rodin. Nicolle Wallace. Dee Dee Myers. Nely Galán. Kirsten Gillibrand. Susan Gregory Thomas. And my wonderful manager, Emily Cassidy.
There are a lot of reasons why I can do this now. I’m lucky, and I know it. My Know Your Value conferences are rolling along smoothly. The national tour is feeling like the beginning of a movement. At least in this area of my life there is a beneficial intersection as opposed to a clashing of values. This alone has made me feel stronger, more like a whole person—rather than one riven in two—than ever before. In addition, I am now comfortable with my professional brand overall. After more than twenty-five years in TV news, I truly feel that I have found my voice. As a result, I can make decisions for myself—for me. To be honest, I never before felt as though I could make personal decisions for myself. But now it is time—because I know my value.
When my mom was sick in the hospital, having a bad reaction to medication, it didn’t take me more than half a second to cancel everything on my schedule and be there with her. I knew that it was my job to be there. I knew my family would be taken care of. And I knew that I could be there for her. The same goes for my daughter in college if she needs a girls’ night with Mommy. And I am planning vacations and three-day weekends with my younger daughter and my husband to look at colleges and to see the world—something we have been constantly putting off because “Mommy’s too busy.” I’m not too busy anymore—even though my schedule says I am.
The clock is running out, and I refuse to look back and be consumed with regret. Why should I be? I have been able to open up a world for my daughters that would never have been available to them otherwise. And now it’s time for Jim, Emilie, and Carlie to be able to enjoy it with me. And for me to enjoy them. I’m just lucky that I’m still standing—and that they’re still standing with me. We may be bedraggled and beaten up and a little annoyed with each other. But we are a family, and we have prevailed together, mostly thanks to them. But also thanks to you . . . for listening, connecting, and exchanging ideas with me.
Make no mistake: this isn’t one of those stories in which a woman realizes the error of her ways and turns to her family, throwing away everything she’s built. I plan to see you on the road as the Know Your Value tour makes dynamic, empowering stops from city to city across America. But I also plan to bring my family with me. And I plan to take the time I need to develop my inner strengths. Because I have no value to you or to my message or my movement if I am an empty shell. I firmly believe that women need to grow their financial value in the market place. But we also need to know what we want personally and what we want for the rest of our lives after we have reached our peaks and climbed professional mountains.
I leave it to you to find that place in your life where you too can stop to take inventory of your professional and inner value. Really take time to ponder it, write down on paper, and take a clear-eyed look at what you already have. Then take the next step. Grow your value. I’ll be growing right along with you.