She drove in silence, and he didn’t pressure her to talk. He couldn’t imagine what other secret she held but knew whatever it was his number one priority was making sure she knew it wouldn’t change how he felt about her. Delilah was a contradiction. Half of her was this fierce tough woman who didn’t seem to take shit from anyone. The other half was a very insecure woman. Perhaps she let down her guard with him and if so, he was humbled by the thought that she trusted him enough to open up.
They pulled into her apartment complex and she cut the engine, but she didn’t move. He looked at her and decided to take her cue and follow when she was ready. After a moment she took a deep breath and opened her door.
As he followed her, he reached for her hand and held it. Startled, she glanced at him and gave a tentative smile and then marched resolutely up the stairs to her apartment. As he entered, he immediately took in the sparse décor. A patched black leather loveseat rested in front of a scuffed coffee table. The small flatscreen had a small crack in one corner. What caught his attention were the bookshelves and the hundreds and hundreds of workbooks stuck in them. Curious, he walked over to them to see what they were exactly and was shocked to realize they were school study guides. They were the type bought in bookstores to help a child learn or to help him or her to grasp information. He pulled one that stated sixth grade and flipped through it. It was a math primer, teaching the basics about graphs and percentages.
As he replaced it, he noticed they ranged from kindergarten all the way up to high school, with a few SAT study guides scattered about. School textbooks, history books and social studies were present. Poetry books rounded out the end. A few by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
He turned to face her. “What are these?”
“One of my deep secrets. I haven’t told anyone about this.”
“About what?”
“I never went to school.”
He lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “Ever?”
She shook her head. “My mother…she kept me home, so I could help her and work. When I finally ran away and got here, I decided I needed to become educated so I wouldn’t be stuck in the position of life she was in.”
Tenderness washed through him. It took guts to begin such a quest, and to have to start at ground zero was nothing short of astonishing.
“I bought the first workbook with my first legit paycheck,” she continued. “It was a preschool book that taught parents how to teach the ABC’s and 123’s. I couldn’t read the instructions but after a few weeks I got the gist of most of it, along with help from children’s television programs. The books with cd’s were the best because I could read along as the words were sounded out.”
“You taught yourself how to read?”
She nodded. “Along with math, history, spelling. It’s taken me years to grasp it all. Every Friday I go to a free GED prep class. That’s my goal. I take my GED test at the end of the week.”
“That’s amazing, Delilah. Do you want to go to college?”
“I don’t know. It’s taken me such a long time to get to here. I’m just taking one step at a time. Maybe someday, I guess.”
He crossed the room and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. “Do you know how special you are? To undertake something like this takes a very strong person, Delilah. Not everyone can just pick up a book and start teaching themselves to read and make it a lifelong commitment.”
Her body relaxed into his embrace and his heart swelled with pride and love. He kissed the top of her head. He replayed all she’d said through his mind and one thing popped out.
“What did you mean that your mother wanted you to work?”
Immediately she stiffened and pulled away from him. Shame had once again shut down her vivacious features.
“I told you that my mother had a lot of kids.”
He nodded.
She licked her lips and twisted her fingers together. He didn’t say anything. He let her control the situation. Finally, she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, and then met his gaze with her own.
“My mother’s a whore,” she finally admitted in a flat, emotionless voice. “She’d get pregnant by her Johns to milk the state for money. Only, when I turned old enough, she had the same bright idea about me.”
Caleb’s stomach clenched. He had a suspicious inkling what she was going to say and damned if he didn’t want to put his fist through a wall.
“She put me up for sale as soon as I got my first period,” she said. “I was eleven.”
Tears welled up in Caleb’s eyes, tears for a little girl whose childhood was stolen from her.
“You’ve got to understand, I didn’t know any better,” she continued. “That life was all I knew.”
“Sweetheart--”
“Please,” she said, holding up her hand. “If I’m going to get this out then I need to say it now.”
“Okay,” he said.
“When I was fifteen, I got pregnant.”
His heart sunk and nausea churned in his gut. He suddenly wished he could block out what she was going to say but knew he couldn’t be that selfish. He was here for her, to comfort her, and his feelings needed to be pushed to the far corners of his mind.
“I lost the baby,” she continued. “I did very bad things to make sure I did lose it even though my mother kept telling me I could make a lot of money off it. I ended up in the hospital and this nurse comes in one night to change my IV, and she looks at me and asks what the hell am I doing with my life. And I couldn’t answer her. But right then and there I knew I had to get away.”
She fell silent, lost in her memories.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly.
She shrugged. “I’m never going to be one hundred percent perfect. There’s guilt that I try to keep at bay as much as I can because what happened to me happened to my sister. Only I got out. I struggle every day to remind myself that I’m good enough, that I survived for a reason. And when I take that GED test, and I pass it, then I know I’ve done it. I’ve beat all the statistics that would’ve kept me in Mississippi, whoring and ignorant.”
She bit her lip as she looked at him.
“Delilah--”
“Do you think less of me?”
“What?” he asked incredulously.
“Does knowing this about me change your opinion?”
He took her hand. “Of course not. Do you know how strong you are?”
She shook her head. “I’m not strong. If I was strong, I’d want to become a social worker or something to help other kids like my sister, like me, but I can’t go back to that world.”
“It’s not weak to want to avoid someplace dark,” he murmured.
“All I want to be is normal,” she said.
“What’s your definition of normal?”
She thought for a moment. “I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to wear a bathing suit to work. I want…nice things. Maybe a couch that’s not patched up. I want...”
Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes.
“I want,” she said again, clearing her throat. “I want to love, and I want to feel like I’m worthy of love. And I don’t want to have to fight for everything in life. I’m so tired of fighting, Caleb.”
The words were too much for her and she broke down, sobbing. Caleb gathered her in his arms and sank to his knees, cradling her tenderly. His tears flowed with hers as he accepted her pain, being the rock she so desperately needed. Humbled that she allowed him to see a glimpse that she probably had never shown another human being. After everything she’d been through, he was surprised that she’d allowed him past her defenses.
Almost as if she heard his thoughts, she pulled away but kept her eyes focused on everywhere but at him.
“Why don’t we, uh, forget that happened,” she murmured, her voice all husky from crying.
“No,” he replied.
Her eyes snapped to meet his. “Excuse me?”
“No,” he repeated. “We won’t ignore what happened. I won’t ignore what you said. You’re an amazing woman, Delilah.”
She bit her bottom lip with her top teeth, the wheels turning in her brain. Working herself up. He nipped it all in the bud. He leaned down and kissed her softly on the mouth.
“And you know what?” he murmured. “You are loved.”