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IT IS WORSE THAN I could have thought. I was ready to leave, all cried out. I stole quietly across the courtyard, desperate not to be seen by anyone, and I saw Everleigh with Archer. He was carrying Will. I was close to them but hidden in the shadows. Then I saw Halfreda join them and then I heard the worst news.
My heart has all but stopped.
I set a terrible plot in motion when I told my friend about Everleigh. I didn’t know what would happen. I can’t be blamed, but I know I can be and I am to blame.
Macsen.
I can’t believe what he’s done. I thought he was a good one. Cook always thought he was daft.
We were both wrong.
From the sounds of it he has murdered his own father and tried to murder his own sister.
Will must have stepped in to save Everleigh. He is a better friend than I am.
She deserves more than me, better than I have done for her.
I flee back to my room, off the kitchen, ignoring Cook as she calls to me. I slam the door and stand with my back to it. I cannot breathe.
The King is dead because of me.
Will is dead because of me.
Macsen tried to kill Everleigh because of me.
I am the cause of all the trouble here tonight.
It hits me then that the Realm will be a better place without me in it.
I listen at the door, I know Cook will be in and out with the ball still going on; dancing makes people hungry. It is busy in the kitchen; it’s probably why she didn’t chase after me. She’s barking orders and sounds so stressed out.
I wonder if she knows about the King yet.
It’s all gone quiet. I risk a look. The kitchen is empty.
I know where she keeps sleeping draughts to add to tea or ale if any of the family can’t sleep and I know where she keeps the ale; I’ve watched her enjoy a tipple often enough. And haven’t I shared plenty with her too? I am hoping that a good bit of ale and plenty of sleeping draughts might end this world for me.
Everything’s gone wrong and I can’t stand it anymore. If I mix enough of the two of them, I can end it all.
I don’t want to live with what I’ve done.
I can’t.