“I went there once. In that house. It was darkness in its purest form. It felt sick, like those walls had seen all manner of chaos and perversions.”
—God of Lies Revealed
We collapsed on the furs around the hearth, spent. The perspiration on our skin glistened in the firelight, night having fallen around us. Loki laid on her stomach next to me, her head propped up on her arms. She watched as I caught my breath, a delighted grin on her lips.
“Did you enjoy yourself?” She tucked her hair behind her ear.
I covered my face with my hands, blushing and smiling all at once. “Your imagination puts me to shame.”
“Me?” She held a hand to her lips, mocking offence. “That thing you did with your tongue! What were you getting up to with that Valkyrie of yours?”
I rolled my eyes, pushing down a grin. “You’ve spent time in other bodies. Learned things. You must know something I don’t.”
She looked into my eyes, pressing the tips of two fingers into my chest. “You make your home here. I’m just passing through.”
“But you must have done this a thousand times before.” I reached out to run my fingers over her skin; her body was softer, rounder, with fewer sharp angles than his. “Were there really so many people who wanted you to be something else?”
Her smile wasn’t a true one. “I took whatever shape I needed to. Some of the emissaries wanted someone of the opposite sex, and others wanted something closer to home. But you know Asgard; stick two women together, and it’s a fantasy. If you’re a man and you let another man ‘make a woman out of you,’ no one will speak to you again.” She scoffed. “All this talk about my ‘expert’ argr behaviour, but it was Odin who encouraged it first.”
I pursed my lips. “I wish you could’ve told me earlier.”
Loki looked away, staring into the distance. “It’s Asgard’s worst kept secret, Sig. No one wants to confirm it, but the gods know enough to speculate. I play the game with them, antagonize them, but no one wants to catch me in the act. It’s far too uncomfortable for them to look at.”
I made an effort not to look away. “Does it bother you? Changing again?”
She reached out and curled my hair around her fingers. “No, darling. It doesn’t. It wasn’t my choice, not at the start. Some encounters were good. Mutual. You make the best of it. Other times, it wasn’t. But when I was free to choose for myself, I knew from experience that I wasn’t just attracted to women and that I wasn’t just a man. I can’t imagine a life confined to one thing or the other. It was easy outside of Asgard to be whoever I wanted every day. Here, it’s…less so. I have to be a man or a woman they won’t recognize. I can’t be this.” She gestured at herself, and her voice quieted. “Just me. A womanly man is a joke here. It’s like living in a prison.”
There was the slightest hint of a tear forming in her eye. I reached out and wiped it away with my thumb. “I’ll stand by you no matter what shape you take. And this is your home. You’re safe here. I can’t change outside for you, but I want you to feel comfortable in these walls.”
Loki nuzzled her face into my skin and drew a breath. Her body relaxed against mine. “Thank you.”
She was still, her breath brushing slowly over my neck. I ran my hand over her hair, letting her hide away. And after a bit, she came back, settling with her nose close to mine. There was a blush to her cheeks and a tear had trailed down her skin. She was looking so intently at me, lips pursed. Scared.
She started to speak.
Stopped.
Took a breath.
“Sigyn, I love you.”
And there it was. The words that I had been feeling for weeks in her actions, in her touch. Every day. I flushed, thinking of all the tiny moments where I had thought it and refused to say it. Protected myself. And here she was, heart in hand.
“Oh, Loki. I love you too.” I took her face in my palms and pulled her in, trying to show her in each desperate kiss that I felt it too. That I was with her. Relief bubbled in her, tiny laughs rising between the brush of our lips. Her fingers wrapped around my wrist, holding me in place even after my breath was gone.
And we just laid there for a while, wrapped up in each other.
“You know,” I said eventually, “I used to think there was something wrong with me. There were so few women around who outwardly preferred women. I’d find someone here or there, and some who were interested back. But I spent years wishing for more. More people who would understand and accept it without me having to contextualize my desire into a neat little box that ‘made sense’ to other people.”
“I hope you’ve already figured out that there’s nothing wrong with you.” She let her hand trace to my middle. “If my past taught me anything, it’s just how many people who are out there wishing they were free to be themselves or to love who they wanted to. It takes courage to be authentic in a place like this.”
I placed a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Then that makes you very courageous.”
She blushed, giving me a rare glimpse of a bashful Loki.
“I wish I had known this about you. I’m glad to know now.”
She smiled languidly, relaxed in my arms. “It’s good to be known.”
I leaned over to kiss the bear claw scars that ran across her shoulder. “I’ve been calling you ‘she’ in my head. Can I do that in public? Should I call you another name?”
“‘She’ is fine,” Loki chuckled. She rolled onto her back and pulled me down with her. I curled into her, and she kissed the top of my head. “Would you name me something else?”
I thought about it. “No. You’re Loki, no matter which form you take. No other name would suit you.” She smiled and snuggled closer, her eyes fluttering as she prepared to doze off. “How long will this shape hold? How long do I get to keep you?”
“It’s simpler than most changes. I need to refresh the runes twice a day. And you get to keep me forever, you fool.” She yawned and closed her eyes, entwining her fingers with mine, my arm draped across her belly.
She fell asleep gradually, her breath slowing, her chest softly rising and falling. Her skin flickered orange and gold in the firelight, as if she were made of flame. The dance of it lulled me until I fell asleep in her arms.
◦ ● ◦
I woke to the sun rising through the windows. Loki had rolled away from me during the night and had pulled one of the furs lazily over her body. She was still sleeping, her back and bottom uncovered. A long scar snaked over her side, from the middle of her back and over her hip.
What a curious night.
I leaned over and swept her hair away from her face with gentle fingers. “Time to rise, my beautiful goddess,” I whispered in her ear. She stirred, rolling over. Without even opening her eyes, she nuzzled her head into my chest, readying herself to go back to sleep.
“Come now, we have somewhere to be,” I ran my fingers along her arm. She moaned in protest and rolled away as if that would be enough for me to leave her alone.
I ran kisses over the back of her neck until her skin prickled with gooseflesh, and she was forced to admit defeat. She gazed up at me with sleepy eyes. “Sig, we’ve made a fatal mistake. I don’t have anything to wear.”
“Of course you do. You can wear something of mine.”
I brought Loki to my wardrobe, and though she was still wiping the sleep from her eyes, there was a slight grin on her face. Just when I was about to offer suggestions, she dove right in, pulling out dress after dress. She hung the rejected offerings back up with a dismissive No and slung the lucky prospects over one arm until she was wearing a dozen layers over her elbow but not a stitch on the rest of her body.
There were dresses of all makes and colours that I’d collected over the years, many of them too extravagant to belong to a handmaid, but who was I to ruin her fun? She giggled as she slid one over her head, its sky-blue satin draping down to the floor, thin plates of steel sewn over the shoulders like armour.
She spun around, the bottom of the dress whirling out around her. “What do you think?” She grinned and struck a pose.
I cupped her face in my hands and gave her a kiss. “It’s beautiful.”
Loki actually blushed. “Hmm. I can’t travel in satin, though.” She pulled the dress off, threw it onto the bed and went for the next.
And so it went, one dress after the other until she’d nearly tried on the whole wardrobe. I followed behind her, giving praise and hanging up the ones that didn’t pass her criteria. She twirled and laughed and sighed, running her hands down especially soft fabrics and savouring the feel on her skin. She wrapped fur scarves and delicate cloaks around her, pairing the most expensive, outrageous things she could find.
Eventually, we settled on a pair of dresses more suited to riding, with stockings for the frigid weather in Jotunheim. They were simple pieces, without embellishment or embroidery, things that wouldn’t give away our plan. Loki was practical enough to choose them but not generous enough to love them.
As she stared at herself in the mirror, pouting just a little, I wrapped my arms around her waist. “You can wear the beautiful ones whenever you like.”
She froze in my arms and something in her face changed. Her eyes were glistening. She turned to me, pulled me close, and kissed me. Then she ran her thumb down the curve of my cheek. “Thank you, Sig.”
“Of course.” I gave her a gentle kiss, afraid that any more than the tenderest affection might shatter the moment.
And it did. Her lips pursed in a fragile smile, and she blinked rapidly, moving on as if she hadn’t just made a dramatic confession. “They’ll be here any minute, and we’ve got more to do. We’ll need road rations and bed rolls, for a start.”
I watched her, the spring in her step as she folded up the other dress, piling things together. The lilt in her voice as she named all the things we would need, and the cascade of happy tears she wiped away when she thought I wasn’t looking.
◦ ● ◦
When the riding party arrived, Loki was made up with fresh, smokey kohl around her eyes and faded red on her lips. She stepped out the door with a flourish. “Good morning! I—Ymir have mercy.”
Thor sat on his horse, front and centre, barely contained in a long red gown and hooded brown cloak. His thick arms were masked by flowing sleeves, and Brísingamen had been repaired and hung around his neck. Someone had done his makeup, but it had hardly helped matters. They’d even shaved his beard clean off.
I walked up to him. “Hello, Thor.”
His sad eyes caught mine. “I don’t like this.”
“Won’t it be worth it to get your hammer back?”
“Yes…”
Loki strode over and gave him a slap on the leg. “Aren’t you excited? Soon you’ll get to meet your new husband.”
“Shut up, Loki.” Thor’s teeth ground together, and the grey clouds that had been hanging around all morning began to churn.
Loki held her hands up in defence, grinning from ear to ear. “Suit yourself.” She turned to the riding party. “Now which of you strong men brought me a horse?”