“I’ve lived a thousand years in this hall, eating and drinking and waiting. I’m ready to die.”
—Journal of Halla Einardottir, einherji
Váli and I spent the next two days preparing for what we knew was coming. There had clearly been a flaw in Odin’s seidr, but if Loki and I were free, Ragnarok was likely well on its way.
I dug through our old things until I found a dagger and one of Váli’s short-handled axes. Váli critiqued me as I practised, hopping around under my feet. He criticized my sloppy form in close combat and corrected my axe use. I’d seen enough einherjar train for battle that I was certain I knew what I was doing, but my son vehemently disagreed.
I read through old texts, looking for passages on transmogrification, but there were thousands of books and a limited amount of time. I kept digging through the shelves, skimming glossaries and chapter headings. Some of the books were destroyed, bloated, or mouldy. Wherever Loki had learned his shapeshifting runes from, I wasn’t finding them. And so, I kept looking.
While I read, Váli hunted. He always went out in the cover of night, avoiding any part of the city that was too busy or too bright. Each time he left, he came back with wild game between his jaws, but I knew that wasn’t all he was out hunting for.
Váli and I were eating in front of the fire on the third night when something moved in the kitchen. Váli leapt to all fours, his body wound back, teeth bared and ready to pounce. I crawled to my feet, trying not to make any noise.
The kitchen floor creaked again. Between the firelight and the smell of cooking food and smoke, we’d already given ourselves away. But let it come. I’d kill whatever it was and not bat an eye.
Then Váli’s ears perked. He sniffed the air. Confused, I watched his entire body react to whatever it was he was smelling. I mouthed the words at him, trying to ask him what it was, but he was hysterical, his thoughts an excited blur. As the steps got closer, he bounded toward the door and sat waiting, his tail thumping against the wooden floor.
The door opened to reveal a familiar man, broad as a bear, sword at the ready.
My jaw dropped. “Hreidulfr?”
Like all the Midgardian dead, he hadn’t aged a day, but he’d still changed. He’d grown his beard out, and there were rune beads braided into it. His hair was longer, tied back into a little tail. He was gruffer than I’d remembered. Worn.
“It can’t be. Ma’am, is that really you?” Hreidulfr skirted past the wolf and pulled me into his arms. “You’re supposed to be dead.”
“Dead?” I slapped him on the back, laughing with relief. “Is that what Odin told everyone? If only he’d killed us; it would’ve been quicker.”
Eager for Hreidulfr’s attention, Váli jumped up and started pawing at the man’s stomach.
Hreidulfr took his paws in his hands and stared at him, frowning. “Those eyes...”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Hreidulfr, I’m going to need you to sit down.”
He nodded and followed me to sit on the end of the bed. He left a respectable space between us, but Váli quickly hopped up, panting and wagging his tail, staring at Hreidulfr, who stared warily right back.
“Ma’am, I’m going to be straight with you.” Hreidulfr pulled his gaze away from the wolf to look at me. “I know what I see, and I want to hope for it, but you’ve got to know. There’s so much I haven’t told anyone for so long. Odin told everyone that you’d all been killed, but I thought ‘if he were dead, I’d know it.’ I looked for you. Bought a horse and spent a year travelling, just looking for any sign of your family. I had to try. But a man can only hold hope for so long, you know? It broke my heart, but I thought, if Váli’s dead or not, he’s not coming back. I tried to move on. Found someone once or twice, but nothing ever worked out.” Tears slicked his cheeks. “I still miss him every day like someone took my arm clean off. I won’t survive any more heartbreak.”
I smiled. “You’re right. When Odin trapped Loki and I, he sealed Váli in his wolf-hide. He’s come home for you.”
Hreidulfr choked in a breath and pulled Váli into his arms. He tried to speak, but nothing coherent came out.
Váli pawed at my leg with his back foot. “Tell him that he snores like an ox when he sleeps on his stomach and that I used to pick him water lilies because he liked the smell.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Do it.”
And so I did.
“How do you know that? No one knows that.” Hreidulfr looked between the two of us. “Did he tell you?” I explained the runes, and Hreidulfr laughed, holding Váli’s face between his big hands. “No one’s picked me water lilies since you left.”
“I could teach you if you like. To talk to him. But first I have so many questions.”
Hreidulfr nodded. “Ask them.”
I asked the thing I least wanted to know. “How long have we been gone?”
“Longer than I know, ma’am.” He gave Váli’s head a ruffle and sat up straight. “I lost track lifetimes ago. You wouldn’t even recognize the realms. Midgard’s lost its belief in the gods. We get a few new souls now and again that believe in the old ways, but Midgard is covered in buildings that reach the sky and electricity they’ve forced to do their bidding, things I can’t understand. The half of them don’t even know how to fight.” He stared off into the fire, working his thumbs nervously into his calloused hands. “Everything’s different.”
It was too much to process. Lifetimes. I tried to give voice to the things that were solid, get away from this vague eternity. “Odin locked us away. Loki is missing. Narvi is dead.”
“Sigyn, I am so sorry.” Hreidulfr reached out and pulled me into his arms.
I let him hold me for a moment, my face pressed against his chest, and I wiped away a tear. “Why did you come here tonight?”
Hreidulfr looked down, his eyes red and glistening. “I came to say goodbye, ma’am. I went back to the einherjar eventually because there was nothing else to do with myself. Eternity is long. And tomorrow is the last day for us. We ride out for Ragnarok in the morning.” He looked down at Váli. “You waited until the last damn minute, didn’t you?”
“Has anyone seen Loki?”
“I’ve heard whispers, ma’am. They say that Heimdall saw the other army more than a day’s ride from here. They’re marching toward the fields of Vigrid. They also say that Loki’s on one of the ships of the dead, right next to his daughter.” He turned to stare at the floorboards. “I wish I had better news for you.”
“Sweet boy, there’s no good news left.” I did my best to smile, though I knew it would hardly be reassuring. “If I have to be here, at the end of everything, I’m glad to have found you first.”
“Ah, I know I can think of something you’ll like. Give me a moment.” Hreidulfr sat straighter and scratched his beard. He snapped his fingers. “That little girl that was so taken with Narvi, she pissed off her mother something fierce.”
“Gersemi?” I frowned. “How do you mean?”
He chuckled, a sly smile on his lips. “She went and married some young man that owns a bakery down in the middle of the city. Half of Asgard thinks she did it just to spite Freya.” He laughed and shook his head. “You should’ve seen it. I stood guard for the wedding, and her mother was as drunk as a rat in a barrel of mead. Thor had to drag her out by her hair to keep her from burning the place to the ground.”
I laughed and the looseness felt good. “You’re right, I do like that.”
Hreidulfr chuckled along for a moment, but it faded as Váli nuzzled himself into his side once more. “Ma’am, I hate to ask. You’ve got other things on your mind, I know. But I just…I want to hear his voice one more time before I die.”
Váli’s ears perked at that, and the whining started again.
I hushed him. “Yes, yes, I hear you. Hreidulfr, I don’t suppose you know any seidr?”
He shook his head. “Not a bit. I stick to what I’m good at.”
I moved to sit cross-legged on the bed. “Come on, sit across from me.”
When he was settled in, I put my hands on his knees. He looked up at me, a strange mix of nervous and eager.
“I’m going to channel energy and push it into your body. It’s going to feel strange, but you need to let it in.” I put the notebook in his lap and pointed to Narvi’s notes. “You’ll need to say these runes over and over with your hands on Váli. You’ll know when it’s worked. Do you understand?”
He nodded. “I’m ready.”
The feeling of energy under his skin startled him at first, but it was the runes that kept us awake into the small hours of the night. It wasn’t simple to learn the curve and length of them, to feel the power of them around your tongue. He was a man who memorized strategy and movement, not words on a page. And so, we repeated them again and again, until at long last, he could chant them alone, steady and accurate.
There was no mistaking the moment that it worked. Hreidulfr’s eyes shot wide, and he nearly collapsed onto Váli with his full weight, holding him with enough force to make the wolf howl.
Quietly, I stood and tiptoed from the room. I drew my borrowed cloak around my shoulders and stepped out into the cold of the ruined hall beyond the bedroom. The world was still dark, but morning would come soon enough. Let them have their moment.
I brushed the snow from the top of the kitchen table. A pile of my old books were still at the place I used to sit, a bear fur wrapped around the back of my chair. I shook the snow away and wrapped it around my shoulders, sitting down. Pulling my feet into the chair, my knees against my chest, I took it all in.
The shelves were crooked. Some of the bowls had fallen. The herb hooks were empty, and the cellar door was open. The hearth was piled with snow, cupboard doors hanging off their hinges.
Nothing here was mine anymore.
I hadn’t had any waking dreams since I’d left the cave, but I could see it all so clearly, like I was watching my own life play out in front of me. Sitting by the fire with Loki when we’d come in from the rain. Fighting with him over chores and the children and Idunn. When he’d laid me out on the table and touched me until I melted. Early mornings. Crying babies. An eight-legged horse in a diaper. Reading until we couldn’t keep our eyes open. A thousand, thousand memories under this roof, and all of it would be gone tomorrow, missing from these realms like none of us had ever lived.
◦ ● ◦
I sat there until the chill seeped in through my boots and I could no longer stave off the cold. When I went back into the warmth of my bedroom, I found them curled up against the headboard, Hreidulfr scratching behind Váli’s ear. They looked up when the door opened, happy, if only for the moment.
“You didn’t have to stay out in the cold, ma’am.” Hreidulfr scooted to the side to make room for me to sit.
“Nonsense. The fresh air was good for me.” I set my cloak aside and sat next to him, an appropriate distance away. “But I need to ask you something.”
He nodded. “Anything. It seems I owe you.”
“You don’t owe us anything.” Váli chirped.
“He’s right. You’re your own man, and we don’t hold debts.” I pulled my hair loose and started to tuck it into a cleaner knot on the back of my head. “Nevertheless, I have to ask you a difficult question. We’ll be riding to Vigrid as well. Loki doesn’t know that Váli’s alive. This entire thing has been a play for vengeance, and if Loki thinks he has something left to lose, maybe he can convince Fenrir and Hel, Jormungandr if he still lives—”
“He’s alive,” Hreidulfr cut in. “They found him in Midgard, in the ocean. In all of the oceans. They say he’s so long, he can bite his own tail.”
“Gods,” I whispered, trying to imagine such a thing. “Maybe Loki can stop this. Maybe we get to keep living if he can just convince them.”
Váli huffed. “I wouldn’t count on it.”
“No. Me either.” I looked into the fire. “But I’d rather die trying than hiding here in the dark. Will you come with us?”
“Of course I’m coming with you. Do you really think I’d wait hundreds of years for the man I love to come back and then just let him leave?” Hreidulfr rolled his eyes. “With respect, ma’am, you can’t keep me away.”
“You’re sure?”
“If you ask me one more time, I’m going to take it as an insult.” He sat up and put his hand on my shoulder. “You’re my family. That’s all there is to say.”
I pursed my lips, blinking back the tears. “Well then. We’d best get to work.”
We stayed up for a long time, getting the details in order. Hreidulfr stole a pair of war horses from the stables, fit with all the trimmings we’d need for riding. Váli went hunting and brought back enough for a good meal for the three of us. We sharpened blades, found mismatched armour, and talked about what plan made the most sense.
And at long last, there was nothing else to do but wait for first light. It was already the early hours of the morning, but my mind was racing. I made the boys lie down to rest and promised to keep watch until sunrise. There would be no sleep for me. My mind was too busy wondering what it would be like to die.
Would I see Narvi in Helheim?
Would I finally be allowed to rest?