Death of an Italian Chef

Once a month, my two besties, Liddy and Mona, and I get together at one of our houses for a girls’ night home-cooked meal. Last month it was my turn to host and prepare the main dish while Liddy and Mona were assigned the cocktail and dessert, respectively. As usual, I was craving pasta so I knew an Italian meal was in the cards. Liddy had recently dropped the news that she was currently a vegetarian. She made a few noises about how vegetarians saved twenty-five live animals a year, but Mona and I both knew the real reason for this new cause was because she was dating her yoga instructor, who espoused the benefits of a plant-based diet.

So out of respect for my BFF (plus my passion for pasta), I decided to whip up my ricotta stuffed shells, a specialty of mine, and putting modesty aside, they did not disappoint.

After dinner, we were sitting around gossiping and sipping on the delicious wine spritzers that Liddy had brought, when suddenly, out of the blue, Mona sat back, cleared her throat, and announced, “I went out on a date.”

Liddy, who had just taken a sip of her spritzer, literally choked and spit it out. I sat motionless, unable to speak, which as all of you know, is the rarest of occurrences. There was nothing but shocked silence.

Mona sighed and groaned. “I knew you two would make a big deal out of this!” That was our cue. Liddy and I both began talking at once, shouting questions at Mona, who threw her hands in the air and yelled, “If you shut up, I’ll tell you!”

I couldn’t resist one more question. “Why didn’t you mention this before now, when the evening’s almost over?”

“I’ve been working up the nerve all night. I wouldn’t be telling you now if it weren’t for Officer Donnie!”

Liddy gasped. “You’re dating Officer Donnie?”

I could see the veins popping out of Mona’s neck, so I grabbed Liddy’s hand and squeezed it, signaling her to stop talking, which mercifully she did.

Mona heaved another sigh and continued, explaining that she was not dating Donnie, she had just run into him on the night of her date; he knew all about it, and despite her threatening him with bodily harm if he breathed a word, realistically she knew he would almost certainly tell his boss Sergio, who in turn would tell his husband Randy, who then in turn would tell me, his sister, who would immediately go running to Liddy, so she decided her only option was to get her story out of the way. Obviously, Liddy and I both leaned forward at the same time, on pins and needles.

Mona’s lobster shop had served customers, both locals and visiting tourists, for decades (she inherited it from her parents, who inherited it from her grandparents). She had countless repeat customers over the years, but one stood out above all others. His name was Matt (actually, that’s not his real name, but Mona refused to allow me to reveal his identity in this column). Matt was from the Philadelphia area, but traveled to the island every year to his summer home. His first stop was always Mona’s shop for fresh-caught lobsters, clams, and crabmeat. They always had a flirtatious relationship. Matt would tease Mona, asking why she refused to go on a date with him, Mona replying, “Because I’m a married woman!”

Of course, this year was different, given how Mona and her husband divorced last winter. And so, when Matt predictably asked, as he handed over his credit card to pay for his seafood, “When are you going to come over to my place for dinner?” it was a shock to both of them when Mona blurted out, “How about Sunday?”

Apparently, Matt’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. But he said he would pick Mona up at six o’clock, and then grabbed his bags of seafood and dashed off before she could change her mind.

Matt showed up a few days later at six on the dot. Mona, of course, didn’t want to give the impression she was trying to impress him or anything, so she answered the door in her sweatshirt and jeans, although she did slap on some deodorant, which for Mona might as well have been a generous spray of Gucci Bloom Eau de Parfum For Her.

She knew from their many chats that Matt’s home was located just outside of Bar Harbor, with a sea view, because he had said on more than one occasion how much he loved sitting out on his front lawn, watching the ocean and the many cruise ships, pleasure boats, and lobster boats that passed by.

Matt soon turned off the main road and drove up a long, tree-lined drive until they reached a large clearing. Well, Mona’s mouth dropped open in shock as she stared at the most beautiful house, or arguably mansion, which she had ever seen, perched high atop the cliff overlooking Frenchman Bay, the Atlantic Ocean stretching out for as far as the eye could see.

“Wow,” Mona managed to choke out.

Matt laughed and with warmth in his voice, said, “Yes, I know it’s a bit much, but whatever Mother wants, Mother gets.”

“Oh, your mother lives here? I don’t think I’ve met her before,” Mona said.

“She’s here now. I hope you don’t mind if I introduce you to her at dinner.”

Well, Mona had not planned on meeting Matt’s mother on their first date. She found that a bit forward and weird, but since she was already there and hadn’t driven herself, she figured she didn’t have much of a choice. She forced a smile and shrugged. “Sure.”

Matt appeared pleased and jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side to help Mona out, and then led her into his palatial home.

After a tour of the house, which took almost a half hour given the giant size, Matt escorted Mona through enormous glass doors, outside to the back terrace and a beautifully set dinner table for three. After seating Mona, Matt poured her a glass of Chablis from a very expensive-looking bottle, then a glass for himself and one for Mother, whose arrival was imminent.

Mona was starting to get a little nervous about meeting Mother. During the grand tour, when Mona complimented how lovely the rooms were decorated, Matt proudly informed her that Mother did everything herself without any help from an interior designer. The woman had exquisite taste and Mona was starting to worry about making a good first impression.

After a little more wine and some delicious scallops wrapped in bacon, Matt suddenly stood up, smiled, and said, “Mona, I would like to introduce you to my mother, Beverly. Mother, this is Mona, she’s the one I’ve been telling you about.”

Mona quickly jumped up and turned around to greet her, but no one was there. Confused, she turned back to Matt. “Where is she?”

Matt laughed. “She’s right here, you silly goose!” He pointed to what Mona had thought was a pretty vase decoration in front of his mother’s place setting. That’s when it suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks that the vase was actually an urn! And Mother was inside it!

Mona managed to mumble, “Nice to meet you,” before dropping back down in her seat, while taking slow and steady breaths to get ahold of herself, and trying to devise a quick exit plan.

Fortunately for Mona, Matt did not seem to notice her distress. He was too focused on Mother, saying things like “See, I knew you didn’t have to worry about liking her!” “Isn’t she great?” “You do like her, don’t you, Mother?” “I wish you would say something, Mother!” The more he went on, the more agitated he became as Mona sat frozen in her chair, desperately trying not to appear panic-stricken, which she most certainly was.

That’s when Matt suddenly slammed his fist down on the table, and screamed, “Mother, say something! You’re being rude to Mona!”

That was all Mona could take. She jumped up, and forcing herself to remain calm, told Matt that she needed to use the powder room, adding, “It looks like you and Mother need a few minutes alone.” Matt nodded, then turned to the urn and said, “See, I told you she would understand us. When are you going to trust me?”

Mona slowly walked inside through the open glass doors before breaking into a run straight through the house, out the front door, and down the tree-lined drive to the main road, with no plans to stop until she was in another time zone!

She was just about a half mile from town when she heard a car approaching from behind! Fearing it might be Matt, she ran faster and faster until the blast of a siren startled her and she slid on some gravel on the side of the road and landed hard on her butt. Much to her relief, it was Officer Donnie in his police cruiser, curious to know why Mona Barnes was running alongside the road like an escaped convict.

Mona jumped into the cruiser and ordered Donnie to get her safely to town as she recounted her disturbing date from hell, all the while swearing him to secrecy.

Mona took a swig of her spritzer when she finished her story.

I finally had to ask, “But what happened to Matt?”

Mona sighed. “He had the nerve to call me the next day at my shop and tell me that he and Mother had talked it over and decided that perhaps I wasn’t the right girl for him, but they both wished me well, and then he hung up.”

At that moment, Mona swore off dating forever.

Liddy had to hold her tongue because she had told me earlier that she already had someone waiting in the wings for Mona, but would press pause on that until Mona was ready.