The Horowitz house.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[singing:] The world is fill’d with fools
Who never act aright,
They know what they do
As daytime turns to night.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, be mine fore’er,
Put down thy foot and drive.
Thou, be not like those fools,
Pray, come with me, we’ll fly—
Thou nothing hast to lose,
If thou shalt only try.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, &c.
Thou art so pretty, dear,
Yet never satisfied—
Search, then, for something new,
For thou hast naught to hide.
So pretty thou, so silly thou,
So wondrously alive,
O, change thou ne’er, &c.
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER.
The grades that Master Hall dispenseth hath
Arisen—yea, not only just for me,
But for the class entire. I’ve earn’d their praise,
For all do know ’twas Dionne and myself
Who put our Master Hall in better spirits
Through his relationship with Lady Geist.
When our last papers were return’d to us,
How great was the rejoicing of the class.
Young Elton did embrace me ardently
To show his thanks. Meanwhile, we did espy
The couple, Lady Geist and Master Hall,
Engag’d in kisses deep ere they departed.
The plan hath work’d e’en better than we hop’d!
Last Friday, Lady Geist wrote on the board
Our homework for the weekend soon to come,
Yet wrote she merely, “Have ye fun!” and smil’d,
As if she plann’d to heed her own advice—
Yea, assignation shall be her assignment.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
Cher, canst thou proffer any explanation?
Thou speakest of my new report card, sir?
The same semester ’tis? Have I this right?
Indeed.
—What magic dark hast thou perform’d?
Thy grade for education physical
Hath turn’d into an A, such I expected—
A simple subject, simple was the change.
Yet how hast thou these other subjects alter’d?
Debate: thy C transform’d into an A.
World history: a B turn’d A as well.
What spell hast thou cast over these two teachers,
This Master Hall and Lady Geist, that they
Were willing to enhance thy marks so much?
Some extra credit and reports to match?
Nay, Father.
—Didst thou, then, retake thy tests?
Nay, neither this.
—Thou wouldst have me believe
Thou—by thine arguments—hath climbèd so,
Ascended from a C unto an A?
Completely by my powers of persuasion.
Is thy heart bursting with o’erwhelming pride?
Forsooth, no prouder could I be, e’en if
Those grades were based on merit. O, well done!
[They embrace.
My clever daughter, apple of mine eye,
Inheritor of all thy mother’s wit,
And pure delight unto thy father, too.
Tonight, we’ll celebrate this feat of thine.
[Exit Cher.
To raise a daughter by myself was ne’er
What I had hop’d before her mother died.
How could I cope with such a loss as hers,
How could I hope to serve as parent double?
Amidst my grief, which foreign was to me,
I vow’d to raise my Cher as best I could.
’Twas years ago, yet feels like yesterday.
As one doth parent, ’tis impossible
To know if, day to day, one does aright.
As if I were the pilot of a boat
Who sail’d, sans compass or a map, across
The ocean vast, I could not see the goal,
But merely hop’d to steer in the direction
That soon would set us safe upon the shore.
To hear of Cher’s astute and cunning ways
Tells me she hath a depth I realiz’d not,
An anchor deep that keeps her firmly rooted.
My wondrous daughter, now ’tis plain to me—
Together we shall cross th’expansive sea.
[Exit.
Bronson Alcott High School and the Horowitz house.
Enter CHER in tennis clothes.
So satisfying was my father’s joy
That I am mov’d to render more good deeds
Upon the other people hereabout.
Enter DIONNE, AMBER, LADY STOEGER, and various STUDENTS in tennis clothes.
Ah-choo!
—Dee, when thine allergies arise,
Take out the ring within thy pretty nose,
That it not in thy mucous be engulf’d.
Cher, ’tis thy turn to hit the balls with me.
[Cher continues talking to Dee.
Attend! Respond thou to my calling voice!
Apologies, good Lady Stoeger, that
I did not heed thee when thou first did call.
One word, too: education physical
Within our school is reprehensible—
To stand in line for forty minutes whilst
We wait to take a turn and swat a ball
Is not aerobic’lly effective, nay.
In such a fruitless period of time,
I could not shed the calories found in
A paltry stick of Carefree gum.
[applauding:] —Hurrah!
If not thy body, certainly thy mouth
Hath had excessive exercise, in faith.
Hit thou the balls that cometh unto thee.
When I have match’d my racket to these balls,
I shall, indeed, by heaven, play a set.
These balls, though, which do whir past me so fast,
Belike shall strike my crown into the hazard.
The sleek machine that shoots them like a cannon
Is full of danger, Lady Stoeger, with
A massive lawsuit waiting in the wings.
My gratitude for this, thy legal counsel.
Come, Dionne, ’tis thy turn.
—Yet Lady Stoeger,
I bear a note from mine own tennis coach.
He would prefer if I did not expose
Myself to any training that, perchance,
May overturn his better principles.
[aside:] Pray, give me patience. [To Dionne:] Thou, then, art excus’d.
Come, Amber, to the fray.
—Nay, Lady Stoeger,
My plastic surgeon would have me avoid
Activities wherein there may be balls
That fly in the direction of my nose.
Alas for thee, thy social life is o’er.
Enter TAI accompanied by a TEACHER.
Good Lady Stoeger, here’s another one—
A student new to join the merry ranks.
Take heed, I prithee, ladies: bid ye welcome
Unto your newfound friend, Tai Frasier she.
[Exit teacher.
Thou hast no time to change thy clothing, Tai,
Yet may still strike at balls in what thou wear’st.
In what she weareth, she could farmer be!
[aside, to Dionne:] Dee, mine assignment now is clear to me:
Behold the girl, adorably clueless.
We shall adopt her, make her one of us.
The woman is toe up. Our stock shall fall
Should we expend our time with such as she.
Dee, think of it: dost thou not wish to use
Thy popularity in acts of good,
A contribution making to the world?
Nay, such beneficence ne’er cross’d my mind.
[to Tai:] Come hither! We would speak with thee awhile.
[Tai approaches Cher and Dionne.
My thanks, ’tis passing lonesome to be new.
Art thou enjoying California, Tai?
In troth, my mind runs wild without surcease.
Hast thou some herbal remedy for me?
The time for lunch arrives ten minutes hence.
We have no tea, yet do have Coke for thee.
Ye coke do have, the leaves of coca trees?
The bell rings. Enter more STUDENTS, including MURRAY, TRAVIS, and ELTON.
This is America—we’ve Coke for all.
Let us show thee the ins and outs and wheres
Of Bronson Alcott High School. Let us fly!
[Cher, Dionne, and Tai walk around the school grounds, looking at various groups of students.
Behold Alana’s group, the players they,
Who are of their own stage too well enamor’d.
The Persian mafia are gather’d yon,
Whom none can join without a carriage fine—
A Bayerische Motoren Werke.
There is one Elton, in the vest of white,
’Midst the most popular in all the school.
Including Murray, mine own paramour.
Is he not handsome?
—Yea, he is indeed!
Shouldst thou debase thyself and date a lad
Who still in high school is, ’tis from that group
Thou must select; acceptable are they.
Which one of them is thine, then, Cher?
—As if!
As if I would date one in high school still,
As if I find them not too immature,
As if my place were not above them all,
As if they are not monkeys, verily!
Cher hath too much of pride and prejudice
When turns the subject unto high school lads.
’Tis but a choice—important, personal—
Which ev’ry woman must make for herself.
[Murray approaches them.
My lass, lend me five ducats presently.
Again and still again have I bid thee
Not summon me with such a word as lass.
’Tis too informal—disrespectful, too.
Call me not lass, lad—Dionne is my name.
Beg pardon, Madame Dionne, if thou wilt.
My thanks.
—Consider thou this point: street slang,
The idioms and language coming thence,
Increasingly is valid as a form
T’express oneself. Its pronouns feminine,
I shall admit, indeed have somewhat mocking—
Yet not misogynistic—undertones.
[Murray and Dionne smile at each other. Exit Murray.
The words come forth from ye like older folk,
Not childish like those to whom I’m accustom’d.
This school is excellent in ev’ry way,
A credit to the man whose name it bears:
One Amos Bronson Alcott, father to
Some gifted little women long ago.
I do desire a soda, to refresh
My palate. May I get ye one as well?
’Twould be delightful. Many thanks, sweet Tai.
[Tai walks aside, toward the cafeteria.
The lady is delightful—thou wert right.
A project for us both! I’ll warrant, Dee,
The time shall not go dully by us.
—Heigh!
[Dionne and Cher sit just outside the cafeteria. Tai waits in line next to Travis.
[to Tai:] O wow, this food is most disgusting.
[Tai laughs.
I see the drawing on thy notebook—
’Tis a representation wondrous.
How kind thy words! The emblems on thy board—
Four-wheel’d, for skating quickly ’cross the grounds—
Are well array’d.
[They look at Travis’s skateboard.
—O, think’st thou so, yea?
Methought they were mayhap too clutter’d.
My plan is soon to wipe the slate clear
To focus on a decorative
Main statement in the center of it,
Like Marvin—he, the Martian—thereon.
Coincidence beyond the pow’rs of heav’n!
I many times have drawn this Marvin, too,
And could for thee arrange an illustration.
Indeed? Ability so wondrous!
Nay, there is little to the character,
A simple series of both lines and circles.
Wouldst see the sketches in my book?
—Yea!
Behold.
[She shows him drawings in her notebook.
—A spectacle amazing!
My thanks.
—Thou drewest that by thy hand?
Forsooth, and more on pages subsequent.
Thou didst not trace these from some other?
Nay, ’twas the work of mine own hand, I swear.
Behold another—oft have I drawn him.
Is not that lovely? [Aside:] She is also!
Thou canst see other characters as well,
Such merry doodles of my wand’ring hand.
They are as cute as ever I saw!
To draw is my delight.
—Thou skill’d art!
Nay, ’tis a trifle.
—I’m in earnest—
Thy talent no comparison hath.
[Tai joins Cher and Dionne, who eat their lunches. Travis sits elsewhere.
[to Cher:] The food thou eatest, is it truly free
Of ev’ry element that causeth fat?
Yea, and one loseth weight by cutting it
Into far smaller bites than usual.
’Tis science, pure and simple.
—Ladies, heed:
I’ve met a man who caus’d my heart to swoon.
Describe him to us, we may know the lad.
His hair is long, cascades like waterfall,
His wit is humorous beyond compare,
Match’d only by his generosity,
For quickly did he proffer me some smoke—
Behold him there!
[She waves to Travis, who waves back, dropping his food.
—By smoke, thou meanest drugs?
Yea, for to aid my creativity
I keep invention in a noted weed.
Tai, tell me plainly: what is thy young age?
Sixteen in May.
—My birthday is in April.
As someone older, wiser than thyself,
I must, perforce, share with thee some advice.
’Tis one thing to partake of doobies at
A party, where one sparketh up with friends;
Yet ’tis another quite to be fried always,
Thy brain e’er poison’d. I do know his spirit,
And will not trust one lazy as he with
A drug of such damn’d nature. Those he has
Will stupefy and dull the sense awhile;
With which, perchance, he first shall bake himself.
Canst thou see the distinction twixt these two:
A social smoking versus constant flames?
Methinks I can.
—Their type, the loadies, hang
About the grassy knoll, with hacky sacks.
They come to class and say their foolish lines—
Which we, as at a jester, laugh withal—
Yet no lass of respectable renown
Would seek a paramour among their kind.
Thou wouldst not start thy journey with a step
Ta’en in the wrong direction, wouldst thou?
—Nay.
A notion comes to mind that thou mayst like—
Shall we give thee a makeover, my friend?
’Twould be a joy!
—Nay, ’tis not fit for me.
Let us, I pray. ’Tis Cher’s main joy in life
To play at making over her companions.
It giveth her a sense of full control
Amidst of world of chaos and confusion—
’Midst such a calm her talents flourish quite.
I prithee, let us!
—Wherefore not? We shall!
Unusual this is, my friends, that I
Should have compeers responsible as ye.
Thy meaning, Tai, is enigmatical,
Yet let us homeward after school today
Where we this matter shall with joy pursue!
The reddish dye we’ll lather from your hair,
And paint thy face to seem most natural,
Whilst curling thine already wavy locks.
Thy clothes we shall with scissors shorten, that
Thy shirts expose some of thy lovely waist.
My closet, too, shall open’d be for thee,
That we may choose new garments thou mayst wear.
[Exeunt all students except Cher, Dionne, and Tai, who go to Cher’s house and change Tai’s appearance.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[singing:] I care not what my teachers say,
A supermodel I shall be!
Yea, ev’ryone shall dress my way,
Wait for a trice and you shall see!
When supermodel I become,
My hair shall shine an ’twere the sea!
From shore to shore the people come
To learn how they may look like me!
[Exit Balthasar. Cher and Dionne look at Tai, who is transformed.
Aerobic exercise is just the thing
To keep thy body supple, lean, and fit.
I shall away, that you may have your sport.
[Exit Dionne. Cher and Tai exercise.
Alas, I am too tir’d to carry on.
Mine aching buns, they lack the feel of steel.
Each day’s exertions shall grow easier,
If thou be active ev’ry passing day,
And not sporadic’lly as thou mayst wish.
How does one know if ’tis sporadic’lly?
Methinks I may hurt my sporadic nerve.
Enter JOSH, unseen and listening.
“Sporadic nerve”? Alas, it seemeth thy
Vocabulary is sporadic, too.
We must work with thy words and accent, if
Thou wouldst be as presentable as I.
Mayhap thou shouldst repeat this phrase hereafter:
“The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”
Learn, too, the meaning of this useful word:
Sporadic means once in a while, my dear.
Try thou to use it, sometime, in thy speech,
That thou becom’st accustom’d to its sound.
I shall, an it make me as wise as thee.
Hereafter, we shall cross-train, switching twixt
Our Lady Cindy Crawford’s masterwork—
Aerobicize, Zounds!—and that classic tome
Of fitness, even Steely Buns. Past this,
We shall both read one book—not school assign’d—
For education and enjoyment both.
My first selection’s Fit or Fat—Forsooth!
Mine is the timeless interstellar tale:
Men Hail from Mars, Whilst Women Hail from Venus.
An excellent selection, by my troth.
Thereby—with these exertions and these books—
Our minds and bodies both shall be improv’d.
Yet something, still, is lacking in our plan,
A means whereby to help humanity,
And show our ample generosity—
Endeavoring at least one hour or two.
[coming forward:] Good even, wise ones.
[aside:] —Fie, the dreaded ex.
[To Tai:] Tai, this is Josh, my ex-stepbrother he.
Well met, milady.
—Thou these matters know’st—
I would do something for humanity,
Some good to make my mark upon the world.
Sterilization is a noble path,
To share no more Chers with a world in pain.
Ha, ha! A jest!
[Josh walks aside, to the kitchen, and Cher follows.
—Canst thou be serious?
What dost thou think of mine ambitious plan?
I am amaz’d.
—That I so humbly give
Myself unto another person’s growth
With generosity and talent both?
Nay, that thou someone e’en more clueless than
Thyself hast found to worship at thy feet.
Nay, I have rescued her from teenage hell—
Th’unspoken-of tenth level, worst of all,
Wherein burn jealous snipes and gossip snakes,
Unending misery for all within,
For wounds of adolescence never heal—
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch’entrate!
Thou, sans a mother of thine own, inflict’st
Thy fantasies of motherhood on her
Like she were Barbie, thou her alma mater.
Profound psychology of freshman year
Doth rear its head: Annoying 101.
Nay, I’m no student of psychology.
The lost soul thou hast seen with me today
Shall soon be well array’d and popular,
Two things that thou most certainly are not.
Her life shall better be because of me.
Another thing I certainly am not.
How many women could say thus of thee,
That they were much improvèd by your presence?
[They return to Tai.
[singing to herself:] The fresh is better, when ’tis Mentos fresh,
So fond and full of life!
[Speaking:] The freshmaker, e’en Mentos! What a song.
’Twas my great pleasure making thine acquaintance.
I hope our paths shall cross again soon, Tai.
Yea, not sporadic’lly.
[aside:] —I cannot tell
If this is an improvement or decline.
[Exit Josh.
Come, let us back to school and show thee off—
I’ll wager some shall not believe their eyes.
They walk back to school.
Enter DIONNE, joining them on the way.
Holla again, friends. Tai, thou comely art—
Thy new appearance fits thine inward beauty.
Enter various STUDENTS as CHER, TAI, and DIONNE enter the school grounds.
Behold how all the lads do baldly gawp,
As if they ne’er had beauty seen before!
Such an effect upon the weaker sex—
My heart doth burst for this, my Tai that binds.
Indeed, my soul is kvelling at the sight!
Enter TRAVIS.
Cher, may I ask of thee a question?
Thou hast. Art done?
—Doth Deamer teach thee?
Nay, I have Geist.
—Thou art well met, Tai—
Didst thou receive a flyer from me?
Nay, I have none.
—I prithee, take this.
[He hands her a flyer and exits.
Unto a party hath he summon’d me.
’Tis in the Valley. Surely the police
Shall stop the partying ere it begins—
Within an hour, which is how long it takes
To make the voyage thither anyhow.
The guest list shall be local loadies, too.
Yet think ye Travis shall attend as well?
I would delight to see him once again,
Especially within a social context.
Methought thou hadst mov’d on from thoughts of him.
I prithee, do not sell thyself so short—
Thou hast some capital none other hath.
Nay, nay, my maidenhead is not intact.
[aside:] No virgin she? I scann’d her high and low,
And neither hide nor hair of this did grasp.
Nay, better yet—thou art a mystery.
As far as all concernèd are, thou art
The lass most popular within the school.
The fact thou art a friend of Dee and I—
With humble spirit, I shall speak the truth:
It speaketh very highly of thy worth.
If thou dost strike while searing is the iron,
Thou shalt select whatever boy thou wish’st.
Who dost thou have in mind?
—Let me consider
The lads who are available. A-ha!
The answer cometh quickly. Elton!
—Yea!
He and Folette broke recently enow.
Who is this Elton?
—One most popular,
Like one who doth our social crew direct,
To pull us all together as a group.
His dad is well-connected ’mongst musicians—
Thou shalt be welcom’d unto any concert.
I saw him gazing yesterday on thee,
As if he had a pow’rful periscope
And thou wert some impressive, looming ship.
Look’d he on me?
—Yea, and declar’d that thou
Didst make his tooth ache.
—Nay, how did I so?
’Tis an expression, telling of thy sweetness.
So sweet thou art, his tooth did ache thereby.
Indeed? The lad’s kind words could send a mouth
Entire to staggering in agony.
[Exit Tai.
Are thy words true? Spake Elton thus of her?
Nay. Mayhap, though, he shall when he knows her.
Thou art a naughty lady, I aver!
[Exeunt.
The Horowitz house.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[singing:] We are young, we run green,
Keep our teeth passing clean,
See our friends, gaze on sights,
Nonny non, feel alright!
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER, painting a portrait. Enter DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY, ELTON, AMBER, and SUMMER, posing for her.
O gather ye together, lovely friends.
Pray, Murray, give thy Dionne one small kiss,
That I may catch the vision on my canvas.
Smile, all, especially thou, lovely Tai—
Draw nearer unto Elton. Closer, still.
Thou, Elton, make thine arm encircle Tai,
To draw her in and make the picture whole.
[aside:] So shall I do for thy sake, Cher, not hers.
A grouping beauteous, my splendid friends.
Here, Tai, take thou this flower in thy hand,
Which shall augment thy beauty natural.
’Tis plain thou art a master artist, Cher.
Doth Tai not marv’lous look?
—She’s beautiful.
A woman with a Botticelli frame,
Of reddish locks and loveliness profound,
Who off the canvas leapeth, as if she
Could not within a painting be constrain’d.
Whatever portraits thou dost draw of her
I’d gladly have a copy of, in sooth.
My pleasure ’tis to furnish thee therewith!
[She hands him a portrait of Tai.
[To all:] My thanks, dear friends, that ye did sit for me.
[Exeunt all but Cher and Tai, who sit together.
Didst hear the words that pour’d from Elton’s mouth?
He took thy picture! Thinks thee beautiful!
Mine expectations greatly are surpass’d.
Miraculous, and I have thee to thank.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ.
Good even, Father. This is my friend, Tai.
[to Tai:] No other greeting can I make but this:
Sit not upon my chair. I bid thee, move!
TAI moves to another chair. Enter LUCY, serving food.
I thank thee, Lucy—this doth look delicious.
[aside:] Her father shall not like it—get me hence!
[Exit Lucy in haste.
What is this refuse, which I shall refuse?
It cometh from the pages sacrosanct
Of Cut Cholesterol, a vital tome.
Thy Doctor Lovett says thy weight must drop
’Til ’tis fourteen and one-half stone or less.
[A bell rings.
No messages tonight.
—O, Father, pray:
It’s Dionne, and may be important.
—Nay!
Apologies, yet we shall eat in peace,
Like other fam’lies in their happy homes.
What happen’d unto thee in school today?
Of all the classes I attended and
The lectures that I heard, this mov’d me most:
My purple clogs I finally broke in.
The bell rings again. Enter a MESSENGER to speak to MEL. Enter DIONNE severally.
[whispering:] Cher, Cher!
[aside, to Dionne:] —Dee, what is it?
—I bid thee, hear:
My Murray studieth geometry
Near where young Elton’s locker may be found.
He spied, within, the portrait thou didst paint
Of Tai.
[aloud:] —By heaven!
—What? What is it, Cher?
Thy picture doth adorn sweet Elton’s locker.
O my!
[aside, to Cher:] —The crew entire unto the Valley
Shall travel to a party presently.
Wilt thou withal?
[aside, to Dionne:] —We shall, to claim Tai’s fate!
Now, get thee gone, my father doth return!
He doth expect thee not, and, verily,
The man is in a frightful mood today.
[Exit Dionne.
Surprising turn! O, I am nearly faint!
Bear up, for we must to the Valley soon,
This party we’ll attend—for thee, a boon.
[Exeunt.
The Valley and environs.
Enter DIONNE and MURRAY in his carriage.
Gaze thou upon the map, toward the top—
Sun Valley is due north.
—Nay, just Bel Air,
Where they sip juice out of a champagne glass,
Though I have heard they’re prissy—bourgeois, too.
Thine eyes misguide thee, on the wrong map look.
What is the number writ upon the top?
No numbers there, but letters.
—Fie, enow!
They stop. Enter CHER and TAI, climbing into the carriage with them. They drive on.
Remember, Tai, be sure that Elton sees
Thee first, but be thou not the first to speak.
Appear delighted by the company,
The night, with all its splendor and its thrills.
Look like the lass most popular of all,
And truly ev’ryone shall think thee thus.
If thou hast conversation with a lad,
Talk to his eyeline, look thou never down.
Approach no one, yet let them come to thee.
Be thou most prudent—give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion’d thought its act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
When thou art speaking with a man, make some
Excuse to leave the dialogue too soon—
Thus thou shalt ever keep him wanting more.
Dost understand?
—I do!
—Apt pupil, thou!
The carriage stops and all disembark. Enter many STUDENTS at the party including ELTON, AMBER, SUMMER, and LAWRENCE. Enter TRAVIS, doing a trick on a skateboard.
Be ready, for I soar o’er your heads!
[Travis rides aside.
Didst see how he, like bird majestic, flew?
A board on skates shall not impress me, Tai—
Five years ago ’twas trendy, now ’tis lame.
[approaching:] You came unto the party—brilliant!
[To Tai:] Wouldst like some beer? For I can fetch it.
[Travis scampers off to get a drink.
I prithee, guard thyself from all his charms.
[Cher, Dionne, Tai, and Murray enter the house.
A-ha! A festival of merry souls!
A wondrous gathering!
—We’ll walk one lap,
Perambulate round the perimeter
Ere we commit to any one location.
[A woman begins dancing with Murray. Dionne pushes her aside.
Who was that wench, and wherefore danc’st with her?
Nay, I know not, my love—’twas she approach’d.
Behold thou, Cher, how Amber is array’d—
Is’t not the dress that thou wore yesterday?
[to Amber:] O, Ambular.
—Good even, precious Cher.
Hast thou been ambling through my laundry, friend?
As if! As if I’d ever copy thee,
As if thou art the paragon of style,
As if thy clothes are aught to be desir’d,
As if I’d wear a rag from Judy’s Shoppe!
Thou mayst require an ambulance anon—
Dost thou prefer the label fashion victim,
Or merely this: ensembly challengèd?
Tut!
[Amber walks aside.
[to Tai:] —What a clone! A poor one, too, in troth.
I’ll warrant thou look’st far more fetching in
That gown than ever she could.
[approaching:] —Ladies!
Your drinks I’ve brought with swiftness utmost.
[He brings drinks but spills some on Cher’s shoes.
Hast thou no manners, imp? These satin are!
I thank thee, Travis, for my ruin’d shoes:
Record it with your high and worthy deeds.
Apologies, I meant no damage.
[Cher and Tai walk aside. Travis follows.
Beg pardon, I must have a towel anon!
[She finds a towel and dabs her shoes.
[To Travis:] This cannot be repair’d—they are destroy’d.
A paltry sum to pay unto the
Gods who have given us this party!
If my blunder has offended thee,
Soon Travis shall restore amends, Cher.
Wouldst care for these, my drugs most chronic?
It is, methinks, the least that thou canst do.
Hurrrah! The party presseth onward.
I bid thee, light the flame and we shall smoke.
[Travis lights a smoke.
[to Tai:] Behold, across the room! ’Tis Elton, dancing.
Pretend that Travis humorously speaks.
[Tai laughs heartily. Travis tries to laugh, too.
Our merriment is yet a myst’ry.
Remind me, Tai: why are we laughing?
I know naught, for there’s nothing funny here.
[aside:] A lass most wondrous, yet confounding.
[approaching:] Good even, may I share the smoke with thee?
My friends, let us play Scylla and Charybdis,
The game that’s better known as suck and blow.
[aside:] The perfect chance for my romantic ruse,
Wherewith I may catch Cher in an embrace.
[Summer brings a playing card to her mouth, sucks it to her lips, and approaches Travis. He sucks the card to his lips as Summer releases it. Travis passes the card to Tai, and Tai to Elton. Elton lets the card drop to the ground as his lips approach Cher’s, and he kisses her heartily. All laugh.
Thou common-kissing lout! Canst thou not suck?
[screaming:] Ay me, for pity!
—Dionne’s voice doth call.
[Cher and Tai rush across the room to Dionne’s side, where she watches in dismay as Lawrence shaves Murray’s head.
[to Murray:] What’s this? Thou hadst but little wit in thy
Bald crown when thou gav’st all thy hair away.
By heaven, wherefore do this to thy pate?
Thereby I keep it real. Real is it kept.
[to Cher:] Behold what he hath done unto his pate!
Canst thou believe his errant, ugly choice?
Look thou upon the head of Lawrence, here.
To shave one’s pate doth feel as smooth as glass,
Like one might fly, for closer is the air.
Thou lookest fine.
—As thou shalt, too, my mate.
Why carest thou what Lawrence thinks of thee?
’Tis I who must upon thy visage look.
Thou follow’st like a sheep, and hath been shorn!
’Twas horribly mistaken, Murray, for
What shall I do with thee, when thou look’st thus?
Ere portraits for our mem’ry books are drawn,
Thou hast transform’d thyself to a bald eagle?
What shall I tell our future grandchildren?
This is enow!
[mocking:] —Ha, ha, “this is enow!”
Wouldst thou play games, then?
[mocking:] —“Wouldst thou, then,
play games?”
It seemeth I must call upon thy mother.
My mother? Nay! Thou shalt do no such thing.
Be still! Thou bald didst come forth from the womb—
How can thy mother, then, reject thy look?
[Cher and Tai leave them.
Alas, this is a tale as old as time—
Last year, at our spring dance, ’twas also thus:
She spent the afterparty in the bathroom.
Their argument did near destroy my buzz.
My buzz is buzz’d, gray matter truly bak’d.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony. All dance during the singing.
[singing:] ’Tis Saturday, and I do roll,
My homies near, my spirit full,
Some sixteen instruments do play,
Unto the shore we make our way!
Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
Roll with the homies, sip the yak!
My carriage is a hearty ride,
The people gawk when I’m outside,
No gang of rogues our joy reduce—
My homies bear the dinner juice.
Roll with the homies, &c.
[to Tai:] Shall we bump into people presently,
And rub our elbows with our pleasant peers?
Indeed! My elbows could some bumping take.
Yet Tai, wait thou for me, I prithee—
[Cher walks aside. Travis jumps down from a table toward Tai but falls.
Art thou well, Travis? ’Twas a mighty fall.
[to other students:] Why caught ye not my falling body?
Your hospitality is wanting.
Thy leap—it was amazing, by my troth.
I wish I could so leap, with courage rare.
Nay, imitate me not, I prithee.
Yet wherefore should I not?
—If thou didst—
If women ev’rywhere went leaping,
What would we lads do to impress them?
I know not. Stuff and things.
—What stuffthings?
[Cher notices Tai and Travis talking.
[aside:] One tiny moment have I turn’d my head,
And she hath taken up again with Travis!
[Approaching:] Tai, thou art needed on the instant.
Come!
[She pulls Tai away from Travis. Travis walks aside.
Behold, thy suitor Elton yonder sits,
His rhythmic body bobbing to the song,
Surrounded by his friends and confidantes.
[Cher and Tai dance together.
[singing:] The spices wrapp’d in paper fine,
Set it alight, and make it thine,
Pass to thy neighbor, share delight—
The night, forsooth, turns dynamite!
Roll with the homies, &c.
[aside:] Behold the dazzling Cher as she doth dance,
Was ever beauty captur’d in a form?
She’s like a statue, carv’d from purest stone,
Whose shapely curves do mark a master’s touch.
[aside:] There’s Elton, gazing our direction. Ha!
He is enamor’d of the lovely Tai.
My plan hath work’d; the two shall be a match.
[A student accidentally kicks off their shoe, hitting Tai in the head.
O, Tai, art well? Pray, Elton, bring thine aid.
To give thee service is my privilege.
[Elton picks up Tai and lays her on a table.
[approaching:] Thou shouldst put ice upon her bruis’d pate.
The situation’s under our control.
Why dost thou bother us? Thou art not needed.
Tai, art thou well? I bid thee, wake up.
She’d want thee to rejoin the revelers,
Thou hast no place beside her—get thee hence.
[aside:] Harumph. Mine aid she’d gladly welcome.
[Travis walks aside, disconsolate.
[to Elton:] If she doth lie unconscious, thou must help
Her consciousness regain by asking questions,
Which she may answer, keeping her awake.
[aside:] How did I come to be in this position?
’Tis not this lass whom I would have before
Me, prone upon the table needing me.
[To Tai:] What is the product of two sevens, eh?
Nay, ask thou just what she already knows.
[Tai sits up and hits her head on a lamp hanging above the table.
The situation goes from bad to worse.
Thou hast a nasty bump upon thy head.
In sooth.
—Shall we return to party’s glow?
Yea, let us go.
—Art sure? Canst thou do this?
[He motions with his hand, mimicking a rolling ocean wave.
[Singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
[Tai makes the same motion.
[singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
Ha, thou art ready now! We’ll thither go.
[Tai and Elton return to the party together.
[aside:] I must give credit where ’tis justly due,
And in this instance credit falls to me.
Such acts of mercy I bring to the world,
Such deeds of goodness and philanthropy,
That love doth flourish, is ubiquitous.
Though I may be alone, my happiness
For Tai is like a lover’s warm embrace.
’Tis like the book I read whilst in ninth grade,
Which was the best of times, the worst of times.
The volume’s author, in his wisdom, writ:
“It is a far, far better thing to do
Some stuff for other people.” Something like.
Enter a MESSENGER, who speaks with CHER briefly and then exits.
A message cometh from my father, who
Sans doubt doth wonder where the time hath gone,
Since I am past my curfew by some hours.
He doth not realize that this outfit grants
No opportunity to wear a timepiece with’t—
To dress in clocks would clock me out of fashion.
Of course, he doth not know where I have gone,
For I told him a tale of some deceit:
That I was venturing out with my mates
To wander hence and have a snack withal.
Belike his fears by now are taking root
As he doth wonder whether I have gone
To some far country for a simple meal.
Perchance, if I do not return anon,
He shall grow sick with worry. Daughter rude!
Home, then, to halt his fatherly concern—
In twenty minutes if I leave at once,
For Father saith e’er that ev’ry point
Within Los Angeles may be attain’d
In only twenty minutes’ carriage ride.
I shall ask Elton; he shall take me home.
[She approaches Elton and Tai.
[To Elton:] Wouldst thou, I prithee, take me home again?
’Twould be a pleasure to give thee a ride.
Apologies to take thee early hence,
For thou, I’ll wager, sooner wouldst remain.
The ones who brought me, Dionne and her Murray,
Are caught deep in the drama of the night,
And argue all the while o’er this and that.
She loves the part of hapless paramour.
[Cher, Tai, and Elton begin to leave and encounter Summer.
Holla, kind Summer. Was this party not
A lovely—e’en if somewhat random—gath’ring?
Need’st thou a ride, Cher? I am leaving, too.
Nay, I shall take her. ’Tis no bother, Summer.
My route shall take me near to Wilshire where
It intersects with Linden. Art thou near?
’Tis close to where I live, above Olympic.
Thou, Tai, then go with Summer presently,
Whilst I deliver Cher unto her home.
[aside:] Nay, what is Elton doing? What a dolt—
He sabotages his own chance to woo.
[To Summer:] Take Wilshire unto Cannon, which doth turn
To Benedict.
—Nay, then she would go south,
Whilst my course turns already to the north.
Thou couldst take Tai as thou to Sunset goest.
Beyond all sense art thou, for then I would
Be forc’d to leave the freeway, which I hate—
Once on such wide and speedy boulevards,
Who’d give them up to drive a country lane?
Tai, go with Summer—Cher, come thou with me.
[Tai climbs into Summer’s carriage, and they exeunt. Exeunt all students and Balthasar as Cher and Elton get into his carriage.
[aside:] If this is love, I comprehend it not—
Why take such pains to go with me when Tai
Is palpably the source of his affection?
I’ll question him of her, to help him see
The error of his actions. [To Elton:] Did not Tai
Look most adorable this eventide?
[singing:] Turn thou away, turn thou away, Heigh, heigh!
Her hair is lovely when ’tis wild and free,
As if it were the mane of lioness—
Yet also pretty when ’tis up and bound,
With curly tendrils peeking round the sides,
As in the drawing which adorns thy locker.
Know’st that thou, Cher, art one of my best friends?
’Tis strange, since normally I do not have
Companions of thy sex.
—Then am I glad,
Because thy happiness means much to me.
Does it?
—Indeed. I saw how hard it was
When thou and thy Folette were rent asunder;
Methought, perchance, thy heart would never heal.
I’ll wager we both know the feeling that
Ariseth when long loneliness prevails.
Whate’er thy meaning, prithee know thou this:
’Twould make me glad to see thee settl’d soon.
[aside:] Her meaning is as bold as sunlight’s glow—
And clear as bluest sky sans clouds of gray.
I’ll pull us over and fulfill my quest
To woo her, kiss her, touch her, what you will.
[He steers his carriage to the side of the road.
Why have we stopp’d? Hath something gone awry?
I knew ’twas true, and have for many weeks.
[He tries to kiss her and she pushes him aside.
Thou knewest what, thou too-familiar knave?
I know that thou art well-nigh dead for me.
[aside:] This folly must be drunkenness, in troth,
And therefore may I hope that it belongs
But to the passing hour. [To Elton:] I’m much astonish’d—
These words to me! Thou take me for a friend,
So any message unto Tai I shall
Be happy to deliver for thy sake,
But no more of this unto me, I pray.
To Tai? I have no word or thought for her.
Her picture doth adorn thy locker’s wall.
Thy picture doth adorn my locker’s wall,
Which thou didst paint, by thine own skillful hand.
Alas, this foul experience reminds
Me of what they encounter’d at Twin Peaks.
I knew thy heart was won when I kiss’d thee,
Thou suck’d my soul t’ward thee, didst blow my mind.
[He tries to kiss her a second time and she pushes him aside again.
Nay, suck and blow is only made for sport—
It doth not signify the heart’s desire.
Yea, we shall have some sport anon, indeed.
[He tries to kiss her a third time and she pushes him aside once more.
Stop, stop! Before I brand thee villain, stop!
If thou wouldst have it so, I shall surcease,
Yet verily I do not understand:
Thou flirtest with me ev’ry day of th’year—
As if! As if I ever cross’d that line,
As if I ever thought of thee that way,
As if my conduct e’er was less than pure,
As if my friendliness hath turn’d to flirt!
I have, these past few weeks, tried earnestly
To tie thee unto Tai.
—Tai? Even so?
Say wherefore I should e’en consider Tai.
Nay, wherefore not?
—Canst thou be serious?
Know’st thou my father and his prominence?
This is thine answer? Art so fill’d with pride?
Thou art too cramm’d with snobbery by half.
I shall speak simply, that thou mayst hear truth:
Tai and myself—the phrase, e’en, makes me gag—
Are not a pair that maketh any sense.
I am a raging fire, and she still water,
I am the very heights, and she the depths,
I am ocean, she a trifling drip,
I am a shooting star, and she but dirt.
However, when I think of thee and me,
It is a pair as like as peas and carrots.
[aside:] O, misery, this was not what I plann’d.
[He tries to kiss her a fourth time and she pushes him aside again.
I bid thee, cease!
—Relax, I pray.
—Nay, stop!
[She dismounts from the carriage.
Cher, prithee, do return. We’ll be friends first.
Where art thou bound? Thou hurtest but thyself—
Wouldst thou walk home and catch a cold, or worse?
Climb back into the carriage instantly!
Be gone! I do not wish thy company.
If ’tis thy wish, then Elton flies anon.
[Exit Elton in his carriage.
Nay, nay, where art thou going? Fie upon’t!
I want him not, yet would not be alone.
My trouble grows like flowers in new soil,
For I, as yet, am many miles from home.
If this is what doth come of matchmaking,
I swear I’ll never play the sport again.
This night hath shown me, if I doubted, that
A girl can get burn’d when she plays with matches.
Would that I had another ride. I could
Attempt to hail a coach to take me home,
Which, mayhap, would prove best and fastest, too.
Enter a BANDIT.
Be still, and give me all thy valuables—
Thou art a wealthy woman, I thy thief.
Thy satchel and the ducats in thy purse,
All shall be mine, or I shall work thee woe.
Lie now upon the ground with thy face down.
Make haste, for patience is unknown to me.
Thou dost not understand, sir. My new gown
Was made by Azzedine Alaïa, who
Is known throughout the world for artistry,
Sophisticated style, and fashion high.
The name’s unknown and immaterial,
No matter the material A-what-a
Doth use or how much thy kind worship him.
Yet his designs are totally important!
[The bandit brandishes a pistol.
I’ll totally shoot thee where thou dost stand.
Thy pretty head doth not come near my conscience,
For ’tis thy wealth for which I’ve hither come.
Down now, upon thy belly in a trice!
[Cher lies facedown, whimpering.
’Tis well thou art a lass accommodating.
Count thou unto one hundred as I go,
And thanks to thee for simple thievery.
[Exit Bandit.
One, two, three, four—the rogue is gone at last.
This evening turneth to a royal mess,
Harass’d and robb’d, my schemes undone at once.
Would that I could bid Dionne come for me,
Yet she is still with Murray at the fest.
My father—I could send a message thither—
Yet he will be enrag’d if he doth know.
One person doth remain, whom I may call,
Yet his disdain shall shame me horribly.
Enter JOSH with HEATHER, in a carriage.
Holla, Cher? ’Tis an odd coincidence.
Josh, art thou busy?
—Who’s this lady, Josh?
’Tis Cher, the daughter of my stepfather.
[To Cher:] Why art thou here, Cher?
—I was at a party,
And left with one who should convey me home
Yet rather did attempt to strike at me.
His carriage I departed instantly,
And he deserted me most cruelly.
Another man, a bandit, then appear’d
To take of me whatever he did please
Whilst brandishing his pistol in my face.
My ducats, satchel, ev’rything he took,
Then yell’d at me as if I were a slave,
Bade me to lie upon the filthy ground,
And forc’d me to destroy my precious gown.
For this—thine imposition on my night,
Which I had plann’d to spend alone with Heather—
Thou shalt owe me the world. Dost understand?
Indeed. My humble thanks for mercy giv’n.
[Cher climbs into the carriage with Josh and Heather.
As I was saying, ere this interruption,
The man is utterly ridiculous.
He hath no single thought unique inside
His puny, insignificant, weak brain.
Methinks there merit is in learning form
At once.
—Josh, prithee tell: art thou in jest?
He taketh our young minds at their most fecund
And doth restrain them ere they wander through
The luscious, fruitful garden of ideas.
’Tis just as, famously, once Hamlet said:
“To thine own self be true.”
—Nay, ’twas not Hamlet.
My memory of Hamlet is complete—
Erratic, sometimes, are my recollections,
Though not in this case. I know Hamlet well,
And saw it at the Globe the other day.
My mem’ry of Mel Gibson is complete—
The actor who did take the noble part—
And ’twas not he who spake the words thou us’d.
Those words were spoken by Polonius.
[Josh laughs, and Heather glares at him.
[aside:] By all that’s marvelous, young Cher is right,
Yet Heather is too full of arrogance
T’admit defeat. Cher ever doth surprise—
Just when I think her shallow, base, and dumb,
She shows a depth that I could not predict.
[They arrive at Heather’s residence.
[To Cher:] I shall walk Heather to the door. Wait here,
And keep thou clear of trouble’s spacious path.
[Josh and Heather walk to her door and embrace while Cher looks on.
Behold the lovers playing their sweet scene,
Josh kissing Heather with a passion rare
Whilst she responds with amorous intent.
I should be happy for them, should I not?
Yet as I watch them, I feel only bleak,
As if disaster knock’d upon my door
Presenting horrors unknown hitherto—
E’en worse than what they face in Malibu.
[Exit Heather. Josh returns to the carriage and they drive on in silence. Exeunt.
