Bronson Alcott High School and Westside Pavilion mall.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[singing:] The angels fall like rain,
And love is heaven’s way,
Inside thee is time’s gain,
Which never fades away.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
The race, it hath begun,
And I am on thy side.
Would that it had been won,
But thou hast stopp’d the ride.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
O, let us run away,
My mood doth yearn for thee,
The stars shall come to play,
Whilst I do burn for thee.
The ghost in thee
Shall never fade,
See hey and lackaday.
[Exit Balthasar.
Enter CHER.
I knew not what to say to Tai today—
My nerves were fraught with fear and desolation.
Yea, even Fabian, my strong masseuse
Reported to me—as she rubb’d me down—
She felt the tension growing in my back.
When finally I broke the news to Tai,
She was as desolate as I expected,
Self-loathing mix’d up with despondency.
Enter TAI and DIONNE.
He doth despise my hips, is this not so?
Nay, ’tis not so, for thou art beautiful,
Thy hips, thy lips, thy parts all pure perfection.
The lad is utter foolishness itself.
Thou shalt do better yet, mark thou my words.
He hath a head as large as any town,
So full of his own import is the boy.
If it is pride thou wantest in a man,
Thou canst no better do than Elton, yea,
Yet if thou wouldst seek someone who shall love,
Adore, and treasure thee, he’s not for thee.
Thou art well rid of him.
—Indeed, he thinks
He is a gift from God to mortal women.
Too good by twice—
—Nay, thrice!
—Art thou for him.
Thy logic, friends, but wishful thinking seems.
If I’m too good for him, by twice or thrice,
It follows I could have him twice or thrice—
Some two or three sweet Eltons in my life—
Yet I have zero, infinitely fewer,
Not e’en one Elton I can call mine own.
If your words had a jot of truth to them,
Would I, at least, not be with one of him?
[aside:] Alas, her logic’s irrefutable.
An idea cometh o’er me like a wave.
We shall our next class purposely avoid
And wander happily unto the mall.
Therein we’ll have a fest of calories
And view the latest Christian Slater play,
Wherein he is a lawyer who doth serve
A man accus’d of murder in the first.
Soon Elton shall be but a memory—
Food, friends, and fun shall take thy mind therefrom.
You two are better friends than I could hope—
So sweet and tender, caring and concern’d.
[They all embrace.
Let us, then, to the mall with utmost haste!
They walk to the mall and sit down at a restaurant. Enter various WAITERS and DINERS.
We’ll dine here, for the meat is plenty fresh—
I mean the waiters, they who are a feast
For hungry eyes and rav’nous appetites.
See that one there, whose flesh is taut and sleek—
Were he serv’d unto me, I’d eat each bite.
Yea, share a piece with me—there is enow.
Methinks he is a banquet fit for two.
As you survey him, what do you conclude?
TAI I would not put him out my chamber doors.
On second glance, he is unduly small;
The man for Dionne shall be bulkier.
Nay, many muscles are not to my taste—
I like a thinner cut, a finer morsel.
My palate is not so refin’d as yours—
Be it a man, I’ll sample its delights.
One circumstance, though, slayeth ev’ry craving;
Should someone’s manhood be a warpèd one—
An ’twere a shepherd’s crook or bishop’s crosier—
I’d gladly fast ere sup with such a one.
Thy meaning is a mystery to me.
A shepherd’s crook or bishop’s crosier—what?
Methought we spoke in dining metaphors,
But thou hast ta’en a most pastoral turn.
I bid thee, Tai, don’t frighten our poor Cher.
What words of horror said I? Friends, if I
Misspoke, you have my deep apologies.
Our Cher doth save herself for someone more—
Sir Luke of Perry or his noble kind.
Thou art a virgin, Cher? Impossible!
Thou say’st the word as if it were a curse,
A spell to place a pox on humankind,
Or incantation from a witch’s mouth:
“Fillet of virgin, in the cauldron boil
And bake, with eye of newt and toe of frog!”
Use not the vulgar label virgin, please.
The modern and correct phrase thou must use
Is hymenally challeng’d, verily.
There is no rush to break the bonds asunder,
And cast away my maidenhead thereby.
Ye know how choosy I can be of shoes,
And they must only circumscribe my feet.
I wait upon a man whom I can love,
The person who shall earn the right to Cher.
Does Cher a mighty, noble man deserve?
Does Cher a witty, thoughtful man desire?
Does Cher a simple, honest man pursue?
Does Cher a fun, if foolish, man require?
If thou wouldst plumb my depths, start with “Does Cher?”
Such depths thou hast, that none may call thee shallow.
Thou, Dee, art hypocritical, in troth.
Wait, thou and Murray never did the deed?
Assum’d I you were making the beast with
Two backs, so strong is your relationship.
My lad is satisfied, and hath no cause
For frustrated complaint. Yet, technic’lly,
I am a virgin yet, and there’s an end.
When I do speak of ends, ye catch my drift.
[aside:] Her drift hath pass’d directly o’er my head.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[singing:] ’Tis Saturday, and I do roll,
My homies near, my spirit full,
Some sixteen instruments do play,
Unto the shore we make our way!
Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
Roll with the homies, sip the yak!
Alack!
—What? Art unwell? What is it, Tai?
The music! Listen, for our song is sung—
That unto which sweet Elton and I danc’d.
Poor flower petal, we cannot protect
Thy heart from ev’ry quaver, clef, and staff.
[singing:] Roll with the homies, saucy jack!
[Tai begins to cry. Exit Balthasar.
Brave Tai, thy tears are but a foofaraw,
Although, sans doubt, it matters much to thee.
Apologies, my friends. If I could rid
Myself of these unpleasant memories
By banging of my pate upon the table,
I’d gladly try it. Yea, mayhap I should!
[She slams her head on the table a few times, until Dionne stops her.
Stop, prithee, Tai! Grief makes thee overwrought.
Come with me, to the bathroom, where we shall
Make thee once more presentable and calm.
Cher, we shall meet thee back at school again.
[Exeunt Dionne and Tai. Cher walks back to school.
Tai’s mourning period is not yet o’er,
And may yet be consid’rable in length.
Unless, perchance, I wade into the waters
Of matchmaking to quickly fill her void.
I’ll peradventure find another lad
To take the place of Elton in a trice.
Yet who? For as I think upon my peers—
Though I’d not be a traitor to my age,
No turncoat to my generation bold—
I do confess confusion and dismay.
The way lads dress is nothing short of odd,
As if they fell, like apples, from their beds,
Adorn’d themselves in poorly fitting pants—
More like broad bags than pantaloons, in troth—
Then cover greasy hair with filthy caps,
Which they wear backward and proclaim it style.
In public they appear array’d as such,
And should we women swoon to see them so?
Nay, I think not, and never shall be sway’d!
To search for lads in high school is a quest
As useless as the hunt for meaning in
The dramas of the actor Pauly Shore—
The nation’s jester: a most dull fool he,
And none but libertines delight in him.
She sits down in her classroom. Enter MASTER WENDELL
HALL and various STUDENTS including DIONNE, TAI, MURRAY,
ELTON, and AMBER. Enter CHRISTIAN with a flourish.
[Aside:] By all that’s marvelous, a handsome lad!
[to Christian:] Thou, then, art the elusive Christian, yea?
Most happily shall I assume my seat,
If thou shalt tell me whither I am bound.
One seat, third back, beyond where Cher doth sit.
[aside:] Though I should find a newfound mate for Tai,
What is thy harm in searching for myself?
Lads are in surplus far above demand.
[She intentionally knocks a quill from her desk.
[aside:] A chick doth signal me by feather shed.
Perchance she’ll help me climb the pecking order.
[He picks up the quill.
[To Cher:] Thy legs are wondrous long and passing smooth.
My thanks—thy gaze is long, thy words are smooth.
Cher?
—Present.
—Yea, so ’twas establishèd
When first I took th’attendance of the class.
’Tis time, now, for thine oral.
—Pardon me?
Thine oral on a theme original—
Thou chosest violence in the media.
Of course!
[She walks to the front of the classroom.
[aside:] —What did she think I meant by oral?
Indeed, what did ye think, O audience?
Behold: th’attorney general doth say
Too much of violence doth appear within
Our stages, halls, and entertainment venues.
I do agree, and tell ye it must stop.
Yet e’en if ev’ry violent show were stopp’d,
Would there not be reports of cruelty,
Oppression, murder, and injustices?
Until humanity so peaceful grows
That violence hath no part in daily life,
Why should it from our entertainment flee?
Is not our art reflection of our lives,
Or was it th’other way around? Ah, well,
Whatever ’tis, ye have heard mine opinion.
My thanks for your attention and respect.
[All applaud.
Hath anyone a comment? Elton, thou?
My foot is sore. May I unto the nurse?
Thou, Travis? Any comment on Cher’s speech?
Two thumbs enthusiastic’lly rais’d—
Fine holiday fun for the fam’ly.
Art serious? Was’t I alone who heard
The words that pour’d forth from Cher’s bumbling lips?
Methought her speech gave off a horrid stench,
As if a rotting corpse had crawl’d inside
Her mind, releasing odors from her mouth.
Mayhap the smell thy nose hath lately smell’d
Was that of thine own faux-designer perfume.
[The bell rings. All exeunt except Cher, Amber, and Christian.
[to Cher:] Thy speech did hit the mark—a perfect hit.
[Exeunt Cher and Christian.
In sooth, she always hath the final word,
Although she is a shallow, stupid girl.
Humiliating me is her vocation,
And always doth she have the upper hand.
Though I would ne’er admit to such a thought,
How I do wish I could be more like Cher.
She is ador’d by all whom she encounters,
Belovèd of both teachers and our peers,
With wealth enow to comfortable be,
And garments in the latest, highest style.
She calls me a pretender, for I am—
Not popular or treasur’d like she is,
Adorn’d in clothing that doth fashion ape.
Forgive me, for I never shall be Cher,
Mere Amber, lacking love and full of care.
[Exit.
Bronson Alcott High School and the Horowitz house.
Enter CHER. Enter CHRISTIAN severally, watching her from afar.
[aside:] The past few days were spent in careful schemes,
Performing those deeds any lass would do:
Adoring letters sent I to myself,
And open’d them with glee in Christian’s sight.
Bouquets of flowers did arrive for me,
Which came from no fond suitor but myself.
A box of choc’lates came, which I did share
With students in my class, and Christian, too—
Whatever can be done to draw attention
Unto one’s mouth is strategy well play’d.
My ploy was perfect, cunning in the height,
For by it I appear’d much in demand,
Desir’d by ev’ryone throughout the school—
If, by some chance, the lad did not yet know.
Occasionally, I would doff my vest
To show the alabaster skin beneath,
Thereby announcing, like a prancing bird,
My willingness to find a fitting mate.
This tactic makes lads think of nakedness,
Which doth excite the humors terribly
And calls to mind the act of sex itself.
[approaching:] Good morning, duchess.
—Yea? Dost thou mean me?
Hast thou some weekend plans for merriment?
Belike thou plann’st a ration of a’rashin’?
What?
—I am new here, yet methought thou might
Know where the best of parties shall be held,
Where clams are bak’d with perfect sauce atop
And kids are bak’d in saucy, clammy tops.
My ex-stepbrother’s friends do plan a fest.
Thou mayst go with me, if it pleaseth thee.
I would; it shall. ’Tis settl’d—we’ve a date.
[Exit Christian. Cher walks to her house.
My afternoon I’ll spend in preparation
To go with Christian to the gathering.
My pretty, new white gown I’ll wear tonight,
Which shall turn Christian’s eyes and heart to me.
[She changes clothes.
Meanwhile, my father hath an urgent case
That needeth his attention right away.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ, JOSH, and various CLERKS, working.
Our house becomes a rowdy lawyers’ den,
With clerks and Josh assisting his pursuit.
Through some gazillion depositions they
Are reading, thus to learn how they may win.
[A bell rings.
[To Mel:] I prithee Father, open thou the door!
’Twill not be me to answer—he must wait!
’Twas ever thus when suitors come to call.
He, then, shall wait outside. I’ll answer not.
Josh, prithee, wilt thou welcome Christian in?
Delay no longer, please—I beg of thee!
[Exit Cher in haste.
[aside:] Her whining would make angels grind their teeth—
It pierceth silence like a needle’s point.
To quiet her is worth the few steps’ journey.
JOSH opens the door of the house.
Enter CHRISTIAN with a flourish.
What is the hap?
[Josh removes Christian’s hat and hands it to him.
—She is not yet prepar’d.
[to Mel:] Ho, man. This pile of bricks thou hast is nice—
Thou must be wealthy, or just fortunate.
Art thou a drinking man?
—Nay, I am well.
Thine offer, though, is truly generous.
’Twas not an offer for a spirit, lout—
I merely ask if thou drink’st alcohol.
Think’st thou I would give liquor to a teen
Who soon shall drive my daughter in his carriage?
I’d rather place my foot upon a stump
And hack it off withal a dull-edg’d axe.
I do receive thy most protective vibe—
Thou givest me a shovel, and I dig.
What is the matter? What doth ail thee, lad?
Thy manner shows no marks of sanity.
Perhaps thou dost imagine that the death
Of Sammy Davis left an opening
Within the Rat Pack’s ranks, and thou art bound
T’audition for his place? It is not so—
Thy look, thy style, thine attitude doth reek
Of all that holds ye younger people back.
Thou art the very emblem of disgrace,
Exemplar of a nation’s disappointment.
Enter CHER, dressed finely.
[aside:] O beauty, did I know thy name e’er now?
Good even, Christian.
—Dollface, look at thee!
Thou art as handsome as the day is long.
[They kiss cheeks.
Ne’er was there artist who could capture thee,
No sculptor who could cast thy perfect frame,
Ne’er a composer who could sing thy notes,
No writer who, with words, could thee describe.
Thou stunning art, past human comprehension.
[aside, to Mel:] Shalt thou let her go yonder, so array’d,
As if her name were Eve, her gown a fig leaf?
Cher, come thou hither presently, I pray.
What is it, Father?
—Say, by heav’n or hell,
What is that cloth—or lack thereof—thou wear’st?
’Tis but a dress.
—O? As defin’d by whom?
The dictionary writ by Calvin Klein.
Mayhap ’tis underwear; ’tis not a gown.
Go thou upstairs and something don atop,
That thou mayst cover’d and more modest be.
Already ’twas my plan. Wait thou a moment.
[Exit Cher.
[to Christian:] Thou, boy! Should anything befall my daughter,
I have a musket and a shovel both,
And happily would I the pair employ.
Methinks no one would mourn thee, wert thou gone.
[aside:] No parent was so charming since Medea.
Enter CHER, wearing the same dress and a see-through sweater.
Farewell, sweet father.
—Gentlemen, adieu.
[Cher and Christian walk aside, heading to the party.
[aside:] My plan hath gone awry, and she is gone.
I cannot fathom wherefore I am irk’d—
I care not how the lass comports herself.
[Mel, Josh, and clerks continue to work as Cher and Christian venture outside.
Thy carriage is as fancy as can be!
My thanks. Thy father’s scary as can be.
Indeed.
[They climb into Christian’s carriage.
—Dost thou like Billie Holiday?
He is the greatest singer ever known.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
[aside:] Who do you think shall wander into town?
You never shall guess who—
’Tis lovable, huggable Em’ly Brown,
Or Lady Brown to you.
If e’er the rainfall, pattering, comes down,
My heaven turneth blue—
Can it be sending me that Em’ly Brown
Or Lady Brown to you?
[Exit Balthasar. Exeunt Cher and Christian severally.
[to Mel:] I did not like the lad, nor never shall.
What is to like? He is an errant youth.
Perchance I should unto the party go,
That I may watch o’er Cher and keep her safe.
If thou bethinkest thou shouldst thither go,
I will not hinder thee—go with my blessing.
Thou hast no need of me?
—Nay, all is well.
If thou preferest—
—Get thee hence, be gone!
I shall. Mine eyes shall stand in place of thine,
Observing Cher with keenest aptitude,
So shall it be like thou wert there thyself.
Go, then, and may it bring thee reassurance.
[Exit Josh.
The lad’s emotions wildly swirl about
As if she were the sea and he a squall.
One thing is certain—if I keep him here,
He shall be little use to anyone.
Let him go thither to the party where
He’ll keep an eye upon my rosebud, Cher.
[Exeunt.
The party.
Enter CHER, CHRISTIAN, JOSH, ELTON, AMBER, many STUDENTS, and few ADULTS at the party. Enter BALTHASAR and other MUSICIANS on balcony.
A sonnet, young ones, to begin our fest:
[Singing:] There was a place, whose name I did forget,
Is’t that I can’t recall, or choose I not?
Whate’er it be, it causeth me to fret,
Yet let’s continue, that we find the plot.
There was a girl whose name I do not know.
She gave affection; I with love did bind her.
I told her if I left, one day I’d show—
Perchance I shall, yet may need a reminder.
There was a verse that I had hop’d to write—
One day, a book entire I shall design.
Someday, be it in daytime or at night,
I would both be and spend a storyline.
One day! One day! When it shall be, who knows?
Someday, someday, yea someday I suppose.
[All dance. Cher and Christian dance close to each other.
[aside:] We dance, and ’tis as though I have grown wings,
Transported to the air upon a feather.
Our bodies touch, and instantly my heart
Begins to beat a march at double time,
The thumping forceful such that all shall hear’t.
I shall not call this nascent feeling love,
Lest it be spoil’d before it can mature.
Yet, if this be not foreshadow of love—
If my mind can be practically numb
And I forget all others but the lad,
If I feel I could walk upon the clouds,
Ascendant, like one walking with the gods,
If I can see his smile, his look, his moves,
And recognize therein a soul inclin’d,
Yet still this be not love—I’ll never trust
My heart or its discerning pow’rs again.
Enter TAI, who stumbles and falls as she walks in.
Alas, poor Tai! My sister, art thou well?
Fie! ’Tis embarrassing as night is dark.
Nay, none did see the fall that did befall.
Thy words are full of friendship’s comfort, aye,
Yet I am certain thou art wrong. Forsooth,
I shall be known the night entire as she
Who hither came upon her derrière!
I promise, Tai, no soul hath thee espied.
[approaching, to Tai:] Say, art thou hurt? Thy fall look’d terrible—
In all my days, I never saw a fall
That seem’d as painful as the one thou hadst.
I’d likely weep, should I go tumbling thus.
My gratitude for thy concern, I’m sure.
[Student 1 walks aside. Tai notices Elton dancing with Amber.
Cher, look—’tis Elton! He who haunts my dreams,
Caught dancing happily with Amber—ah!
Not only am I easily dismiss’d,
But he hath taken up with that foul trollop?
Belike he only dances with her, Tai,
And hath no thought of amorous intent.
[Elton and Amber kiss.
Pray, tell: think’st thou the lass is beautiful?
Were she a painting, she were a Monet.
Who is Monet?
—An artist of renown.
From far away, his paintings lovely look,
Yet closer in, the truth doth come to light—
A mess of splotches, blemishes, and strokes.
Let us ask Christian. [To him:] Say, what makest thou
Of Amber, what is thine opinion of her?
She dwells in Hagsville. Population: one.
[to Tai:] The truth hath been reveal’d, from one who is
A connoisseur of women, verily.
Wouldst thou believe the hosts of this event
Are charging for the priv’lege to drink beer?
Here is my charge: if thou wouldst lend a ducat,
I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a beer
Today.
[Cher pulls money from her dress and hands it to Christian.
—Of course. Charge it to mine account.
Return anon with beer, and we shall charge
Unto the dance floor.
—Thank you heartily.
[Christian walks aside, to buy beer. He talks with the barkeep.
He is adorable in the extreme!
Dost thou bear witness to his moving heart,
How ev’ry day it closer turns to me,
An ’twere a sunflower and I the sun?
He’s lim’d, I warrant you, past all defense.
Another lass approacheth unto him
And he ignores her like she were a pest—
“Unhand me, harlot, Cher’s the one for me.”
Thus says he, or so I imagine ’tis.
He and the barkeep strike a conversation—
It seems they do enjoy each other well.
He peradventure tells the man of me
And how he strives to win my tender heart.
Mayhap the two shall soon become good friends,
The barkeep our best man when we are wed.
[Tai sees Josh talking with a man across the room.
Behold, there’s Josh unto the party join’d!
I did not see him enter, yet his nature
Cannot escape itself; he hath slunk in
Unnotic’d to the party. Thereupon,
Discovering the sole adult herein,
He speaketh with the man excitedly.
’Tis like he hath no sense of what fun is,
Or—in the knowing—would destroy it wholly.
[Josh waves at Cher across the room, and she waves back.
This jumper thou advisèd me to wear—
Should it be tied around my waist, like such?
Alas, I know not what the fashion is.
Around thy waist shall suit thy sleek ensemble,
And leave the lads desiring more from thee.
[returning:] Art ready, Cher? My feet await, prepar’d
To set thy heels once more to frolicking.
[They return to the dance floor.
[singing:] Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?
Mine emptiness doth grow.
Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?
I’m lost, and fain would know!
[aside:] Alone, once more, like an abandon’d dog,
I stand with no one here to dance with me.
Mine Elton holds another lass’s arms,
His gaze ne’er settl’d on me in the least—
I am the last one pick’d, and always was.
Sweet Cher, who call’d to me when I was new
And e’er hath prov’d herself a loyal friend,
Swings on the arm with Christian presently,
Forsaking me—and who could blame her for’t?
Before I mov’d here, I was mis’rable:
Few friends, and none on whom I could depend.
My life, uprooted unto California,
Seem’d desolate, with little cause for hope,
’Til I met Cher and Dionne at our school
And started to believe all would be well.
They have been beacons in a stormy sea,
Illuminating me with thoughtful care.
Now, though, as I stand helpless and alone,
The feelings of rejection rise once more,
And make me feel uncertain and bereft.
The men pass by, with glances, smirks, and frowns,
Ne’er once considering me worthy of
Attention, or a turn upon the floor.
[aside:] The merry band of minstrels is superb,
The night near perfect, dancing with my lad—
Fine Christian, most attractive man herein.
Yet for a moment, happiness doth pause
For there, across the room, I spy poor Tai,
Who hath no partner in this happy dance.
[Josh approaches Tai.
Holla, Tai—wouldst thou dance with me awhile?
We modern folk are far too still, methinks,
Though nature hath created us to move.
[aside:] O, Josh—a miracle by heaven sent!
He asketh Tai to dance, such chivalry!
So sweet his action, I could kiss the man.
[Josh and Tai begin dancing together.
[To Christian:] Behold, Josh hath ask’d Tai to dance with him—
He never dances. Is it not delightful?
His usual abstention hath its cause,
For see how he doth jostle, flop, and lurch?
Nay, he hath come unto the lady’s rescue,
That she feel not deserted ’midst the fun.
Thine eyes observe the charity I miss,
Yet thou dost teach me rightly to perceive.
[Cher waves at Josh across the room, and Josh smiles at her.
[aside:] My vast humiliation while I dance—
For I am most unskill’d, and know it well—
Is worth the trouble for a smile from Cher,
Which lighteth darkness like the blessèd moon.
Behold, now, how her Christian danceth with
A lad who slyly sidles next to him.
Is not that strange? Yet Cher doth notice not.
Perhaps I make too much of what I see—
These mountains are but molehills, certainly.
[All continue dancing. Exeunt some students as the music begins to fade. Cher, Josh, and Tai sit together, exhausted. Christian continues to dance.
[aside:] Until the final note of music plays,
Until the march of drum and fife doth cease,
Until I’m made to leave, I shall dance on.
Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevel’d tide,
And dance upon the mountains like a flame.
[Christian continues to dance, talking with other lads.
How fare ye, Cher and Tai? For I can see
Some marks of red around your eyes, as though
Your bodies yearn for sleep thus far denied.
Although this night hath been a grand success,
With drowsiness success to excess turns.
I am prepar’d and eager to depart.
Exhaustion is the country where I dwell.
Let us hail Christian, that we may set forth.
[To Christian:] O, Christian, shall we hence? The hour is late.
E’en now? These friendly lads I chatted with
Have shar’d intelligence of th’afterparty,
Where music, dancing, and delight live on.
My trainer earlier in the morning comes.
I shall take Cher and Tai home, whilst thou goest
Upon thy merry way to parties new.
I could not ask this of thee.
—Nay, stay thou—
Thou art so young and full of joie de vivre,
Thou shouldst not burden’d be by we two sloths.
Ne’er came a sloth in fur as fine as thine.
Art thou most certain?
—Stay, and seize the day.
My thanks. I’ll call upon thee on the morrow.
[Exeunt Christian and some lads. Exeunt all other students as Cher, Josh, and Tai climb into Josh’s carriage. Tai falls asleep.
’Twas passing decent that thou danc’d with Tai,
For she was lonesome and ’twas like thou wert
A knight who answereth a damsel’s cry.
The pleasure was all mine—I am no knight,
A far cry from, but merely hop’d to make
Tai’s night less damnable through answer’d need.
Hast thou borne witness to a change in her,
Like night turn’d day?
—Yea, ’neath thy tutelage,
A change in her is born, as she explores
The challenging domain of midriffs bare.
I riff thereon too much, perhaps, for with
Thy silence thou dost amply bear my challenge.
What of it, then? Wouldst thou not rather stay
And fill the night with thy main knight, e’en Christian?
Or, as I’d rather call him, Ring-a-Ding?
Indeed, if, for a moment I believ’d
That Father would not ding me if I spent
A night with anyone before a ring
Appeareth on my finger. He shall be
Awake the whole night worrying o’er me,
If I do not return.
—Yea, he’ll not rest
Until the depositions are complete.
Let us do him some benefit, I pray—
An action dopious on both our parts—
And stop for food upon the pathway home,
That we my father’s hunger may depose.
He and his many clerks have not, I’ll wager,
Had aught to eat—they must be famishèd.
Most dopious indeed—let us proceed
To part them from their gastronomic need.
[Exeunt.
The Horowitz house.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ and CLERKS.
[aside:] Mine appetite is bursting for a meal,
For cloudy grow the thoughts when one is tir’d.
Upsetting is each task in hunger’s face,
And anger is the swift result thereof.
How can I focus on these depositions
Amidst the rumbling of mine abdomen,
The cries and moans of stomach most unfed?
There should some word exist that would describe
The way that hunger quickly doth advance
To anger. Yet what would be such a term,
Combining anger unto hunger, hmm?
If my mind were not caught in such a fog,
Disrupted by the lack of food below’t,
Belike I could discover just the word—
Gerhunan? It doth start with growling sound,
The grr my belly maketh even now.
Anhunger? This doth ring with Cockney tones
And satisfieth not discerning ears.
Alas, the word escapes me vexingly—
I cannot think of it, which maketh angry!
Enter CHER and JOSH, delivering food for the clerks, which they begin eating voraciously.
[aside:] This midnight feast is a phenomenon,
Reviving all the lawyers’ flagging moods!
Delicious meat to fill a belly bare,
’Tis not mere beef, ’tis banquet of the gods,
Which grants we humans immortality.
Nay, Father, thou must not ingest the meat,
For it shall not thine arteries abet.
The salad—eat the salad, for thy health!
Thou hast my gratitude for bringing this
Much-needed banquet. Yet thou also earn’st
My deep frustration by thy prohibition!
Get hence, sweet daughter—let me eat, this once!
[Exeunt Mel and clerks, eating. Josh and Cher sit on a sofa together, listening to a music box.
Though it shall seem unusual, sans doubt,
Oft I have more enjoyment of a night
In quiet entertainment, spent inside,
Than at a party, dancing all the night.
Belike ’tis that my festival attire
Constricts my movements most uncomfortably.
How many hours each day dost thou expend
In grooming?
—Some are not as fortunate
As thee, so natur’lly adorable.
Cease, prithee, for thou causest me to blush.
A blush with which I’d never paint myself.
How, then, shall I help thee unto a groom?
[offstage:] O son, my Josh? What, lamb! What, laddie bird!
My mother, fie! I fain would hide from her—
I prithee, Cher, if ever thou wert kind,
Tell not my mother where I may be found!
He hides behind an arras. Enter GAIL.
O, Cher, ’tis thee. An unexpected joy.
My son, is he herein? I’d speak with him.
Hath he been cleaning out thine ice house with
His appetite ne’er-ending?
—Nay, ex-step,
He is not here, nor hath been, nor shall be.
Try thou the dormitory where he liveth—
Belike he spends the evening studying.
A scholar from the minute he was born.
My thanks, Cher, for thy helpfulness.
—Farewell.
[Exit Gail. Josh comes forward.
Thou art most gracious and kindhearted, lass—
Thy quality of mercy is not strain’d.
Why wouldst thou hide from thine own mother, Josh?
My school’s spring holidays are near enow,
And she would have me to the nest return.
But thou wouldst fly the coop. Yet wherefore so?
No other little chicks shall be in school—
Why, then, hie not beneath thy mother’s wings?
The rooster—husband number four is he—
Doth rule the roost. He’s foolish as a fowl,
Believing acting like a family
Means he may criticize and peck at me
Whenever and however he desires.
How shalt thou pass the dreary fortnight’s span?
Wilt thou go roaming round the campus by
Thyself and haunt the buildings as if thou
Wert spectral and the school thy haunted house?
I do not mind the time alone.
—Hast thou
Lost all thy sense and sensibility?
Come hither to the house, take thine old room,
And join thou in the balls that we shall host.
Nay, but I thank thee.
—Wherefore wilt thou not?
Thou hast a social galaxy entire—
The planets, moons, and quasars in their courses,
With thee, the bright sun, at its center point—
Therein would I be mere impediment.
Thou couldst ne’er be impediment, in sooth.
Wouldst thou want some ex-half-stepbrother type
To orbit round thy dances and soirées?
Though once our parents were conjoin’d, thou art
No brother mine.
—Yet thou dost know my meaning.
Have some excitement in thy gloomy life—
The universe shines brightly when one sees
The stars of all the firmament array’d.
Thou shalt replenish’d be for thine exams,
Which even thou—whose head may sometimes be
As rigid as a meteor—canst see.
Thou hast o’erwhelm’d my better sense with this,
Thine otherworldly pow’r of argument.
’Tis well—such fun we’ll have!
—How did I come
Unto the point where I accept advice
From one who liketh drawings in her books?
I’ll not take heed whilst thou insult’st Sirs Wren
And Stimpious, who are philosophers
Most existential. For, as it is said,
Cogito ergo stultus sum, in sooth.
The words outpouring from thine untrain’d mouth:
Hast e’en a jot or tittle of what thou
Art saying?
—Nay, yet sound as though I do!
Alas, the heaviness of sleep o’ercomes me,
And I must to my room. Good night, kind Josh.
[Exit Cher.
She hath invited me to spend my school’s
Spring holidays residing in this house.
Although her heart toward her Christian turns,
I cannot be dismay’d at this event—
This sudden warmth in our relationship.
Such I’ll not press, but let fate take its time
And see what doth transpire in th’interim.
Who knows but that we two may yet be friends?
Bewildering’s her attitude to me,
Yet ’tis a wonder I’ll bear happily.
[Exit.
