The Horowitz house.
Enter CHER and DIONNE.
My Christian said that he would call on me
Upon the morrow, which, in boyish time,
Translates to Thursday. Pray imagine, then,
My great surprise that he shall come tonight!
He wishes to deliver merriments—
A newfound form of entertainment, which
As yet is unbeknownst to me, and that
The two of us together shall explore.
A night alone with Christian! This is why
I’ve sent for thee, to reinforce my nerves.
A lighting concept for thy sitting room
We must design, to set the mood aright,
And then decide what garments thou shalt wear—
A costume fit for catching stylish lads.
The mirror telleth naught but lies to me—
Pray, render me a portrait I shall see.
[Dionne draws Cher in various outfits.
’Tis said that when a lad doth come to call,
One must have foodstuffs cooking on a spit,
With fine aromas to ensnare the nose,
Which shall lead him to thee like fish on hook.
An excellent suggestion, verily—
I’ll put this lump of flesh upon the flames
And let the fragrance waft to Christian’s nostrils.
[They put meat over the fire.
My face, methinks, still hath a reddish hue.
I’ll paint thee to appear as white as snow,
Yet thou art flush’d, and must unwind thy nerves,
Which yet are tightly coil’d, an ’twere a spring.
As I bethink upon my maidenhead,
How happy am I that I spent it not
On someone for whom feelings were lukewarm.
My Christian is a most attractive man;
This night shall I remember evermore.
Blot now thy lips—thou art as ready as
Thou canst be.
—Thank you, Dionne, for thy help.
[A bell rings.
Ah! Christian comes, mine evening must begin.
This is my cue to exit instantly—
Farewell, sweet Cher, and may thine evening shine!
[Exit Dionne. Cher answers the door.
Enter CHRISTIAN, bearing picture book merriments, playbills, and portraits.
Good even, miss.
—Holla.
—Doth something burn?
I sense a smoldering within the air,
As if ’twere Mass with extra thuribles.
Alas—the meat!
[They rush to the kitchen, where the meat is burning. Cher quickly removes it from the fire.
—My sweet, thou cook’d for me.
’Tis like we two are married and play house.
I tried, yet fail’d.
—Show me thine ample home.
[They begin walking around the house.
Thy father hath well-rounded tastes in art,
And his collection shows variety.
He is no connoisseur of art, yet saith
To purchase artwork is a venture sound.
He is no fool, thy father—quite astute.
This sculpture is Claes Oldenburg, methinks.
A sculptor of renown and worldwide fame.
This other piece is older, canst thou see?
Transitional—a most important piece.
[aside:] Who knew he was so riveted by art?
Would he not rather bed me than display
That he knows ev’ry style of furniture?
[To Christian:] Shall we do as merfolk are wont to do,
And take a plunge within my fam’ly’s pool?
An occupation far too wet by half—
Let us inside, to view my merriments.
[They go inside and lounge together on a bed, looking at Christian’s picture book merriments, playbills, and portraits.
[aside:] Whilst ordinarily this entertainment 60
Would hold some fascination for me, now
It seemeth this is only a delay,
A prelude to the evening’s main event.
These pictures are delightful, in their way,
Yet I am much distracted presently.
My Christian loves the artist Tony Curtis
And brought a number of his pictures here:
Spartronicus and As Some Like It Hot.
I’ll let him know of mine intentions with
A subtle sweeping of my supple foot.
[She rubs her foot against Christian, and he moves away uncomfortably.
Is this a game of footsie thou wouldst play?
My feet are cold; I hop’d thou wouldst give warmth.
This well-fluff’d pillow, o’er the top of them,
Shall give thee all the heat thou canst desire.
[He places a pillow upon her feet.
View what comes next, for ’tis a thrilling part.
[aside:] Alas, unto the pages he doth turn,
As if his picture books were ev’rything!
I’ll make my face the sign of wantonness,
That he may know here lies a much-inclin’d—
[She tries to look alluring and, in doing so, loses her balance and falls off the bed.
Art thou well, Cher?
—In troth, ne’er was I better.
Wouldst thou have aught to drink? Perhaps some wine,
To lubricate the workings of our night?
Nay—hast thou notic’d wine has the effect
Of making people emphasize their sex?
Yet ’tis no bother. ’Tis a glad result,
If thus to emphasize may further lead,
Attended with the pleasures of the world.
[aside:] Alas, a lass again caught ’neath my spell,
Though I desire it not nor wish’d it so.
[To Cher:] My spirit hath grown tir’d, and I must leave.
Some coffee shall revive thy spirit faint!
Mine ulcer shall be writhing if I drink’t.
Yet thou had many cappuccinos once
And made no mention of an ulcer’s pain.
’Tis mostly foam, which—like the seaside’s waves,
Which do but stand upon the foaming shore—
Doth grant one health, detracting not therefrom.
Wilt thou be gone so soon?
—Pray, hear me, Cher:
Thou art a wonder. Are we two not friends?
We are.
—Grant me a kiss upon my cheek.
[She kisses his cheek.
My maiden sweet, farewell.
[Exit Christian.
—What scene was this?
Have I some fault—can flat hair blamèd be?
Did I upon some awkward lighting fall?
O Christian, if thou couldst but tell me what
I did that hath so disenchanted thee,
’Twill be address’d! The problem must be me.
[Exit.
The streets of Beverly Hills.
Enter DIONNE and MURRAY, driving in her carriage.
A message I receiv’d from Cher today,
Who told me of her disappointing night
With her perplexing newfound paramour.
She is confounded by the manner that
He did display when they had time alone.
I bid thee, hound her not for details, please,
For she is delicate and vulnerable.
More worried over thy new driving skills
Am I than over Cher’s romantic life.
Upon the theme of Cher and her new beau,
I shall withhold my tongue and be like one
Who doth but listen, with no pow’r to speak.
Thou, Murray, art a worthy gentleman.
Enter CHER, climbing into the carriage with them. They drive on.
Directly to the point, my caring friends—
What’s wrong with me, that someone would not take
Delight in mine appearance or myself?
Belike the lad was truly tir’d, ’tis all.
Perhaps the match was not our destiny—
The lad doth finer garments own than mine.
What could I bring to such relationship?
[to Dionne:] Beware of all the lanes—an thou wouldst change,
What must thou do?
—First, make my signal clear.
[She begins to signal and turns her head aside.
Nay, watch the road, or thou mayst wreck us.
—Tut!
Thy shouting shall not calm my weary nerves.
Next, in my mirror gaze, that I may view
Another carriage coming up behind,
And check the blind spot, to be wholly safe.
[She turns her head, and the carriage swerves wildly.
Turn with thy head yet not the carriage whole!
By heaven, lass, thy driving wretchèd is!
I shall not hear thee, who would silent be.
My silence was not promis’d unto thee.
To be capricious o’er my maidenhood
Was foolish—glad am I that nothing came.
Dee, nearly did I give myself to him.
Who is this man, who hath rejected thee?
’Twas Christian, who hath nearly ta’en my sex.
[Murray laughs heartily.
So quickly turn’d from listen unto laugh?
What is so humorous?
—Are ye both blind?
Hath aught affected your collective eyes,
That ye see not the matter, which is clear
To anyone who hath the pow’r of sight?
Thy would-be paramour, this Christian, is
Less likely to be lover than be squire,
More likely to taste cake of his own kind,
Less likely to enjoy romantic dancing,
More likely to be on the disco floor,
Less likely to be wild than to read Wilde,
More likely to be one of Streisand’s lads,
Less like to Dor’thy date than be her friend—
Is not my meaning obvious to thee?
A lad’s lad? Nay.
—The lad is gay, forsooth:
He makes his heaven in a fellow’s lap,
And decks his body in gay ornaments,
And witches sweet chaps with his words and looks.
Not even—
—Yea, most even, verily.
Thou must admit, Cher, he doth like to shop,
To purchase garments in a vast array.
As thou hast said, the lad is better dress’d
Than many of compeers—e’en ourselves.
My mind is crawling with these buglike thoughts,
Which crawl across my brain an ’twere their nest.
How silly and how reckless I have been!
Fie! Other pressing matters are upon us—
Thou, Dionne, dost approach the boulevard,
Where carriages are far too swift and wild
For thy still burgeoning attempts to drive!
Turn off before disaster doth befall!
What hast thou done, thou silly, senseless lass—
We all shall die because of thy mistake!
I cannot stop our progress—we are bound
Unto the boulevard, whatever will!
They enter a crowded lane, with many carriages around them. Enter other DRIVERS.
What shall I do t’escape this misery?
Thou careless girl, where didst thou learn to drive?
[to Dionne:] Alas, we shall be slain upon the road—
How careless, fie! Yet I shall guide thee through:
Go forward, rest thy mind and be thou calm.
All shall be well, I swear by heaven’s name.
I here am with thee, and shall ne’er depart,
Although thou puttest my life at great risk.
Thou irresponsible and awful wench!
Fie, fie upon’t that I instructed thee
In th’art of city driving—more fool I!
Whate’er thou dost, keep hands upon the reins,
Lest we shall perish ’midst these hooligans!
I bite my thumb at thee, thou luckless lass!
Alack, alack, we certainly shall die!
Now to the right, a chance to exit comes.
Deliverance, although thou nearly kill’d us!
[Dionne guides the carriage off the boulevard. Exeunt other drivers.
We are alive—thou brought me through the storm!
Sweet life—we still exist, and have not died.
Thou wert a wonder, navigating so!
I am so proud of thee, my heart may burst.
[Dionne begins to cry.
Pray fear no evil, for I am with thee.
Breathe in, breathe out, and let peace wash o’er thee.
[Dionne and Murray begin kissing passionately.
[aside:] Escaping from the boulevard intact
Reminds one how significant love is.
I’ll wager Dionne’s priz’d virginity
From technical to nonexistent turns
Because of this event. I realize, too,
How much I want a lad to call mine own.
[To Dionne and Murray:] Farewell, friends, thank you both for new perspective.
[Cher climbs from the carriage and exits.
Sweet Murray, where thou art I’ll ever be—
Pray take me homeward, bedward, presently!
My dumpling, Dionne, empress of my heart,
Where fretfulness doth end, let romance start!
[Exeunt.
Westside Pavilion mall and Bronson Alcott High School.
Enter CHER.
Good Christian will not be my paramour,
Yet ’tis a pleasure spending time with him.
He shall be my new shopping partner, yea,
And presently he comes to meet me here—
My place of refuge, Westside Pavilion mall.
Enter CHRISTIAN.
Good afternoon! Such shopping we shall have.
Yet where is Tai? Was she not meeting us?
She met some unknown fellows at a shoppe
And took them yonder, as thou mayst behold.
Enter TAI with two HOOLIGANS. She sits on a railing over the trap door.
These barneys she doth meet—whence come their kind?
She doth attract more refuse than the man
Who comes and takes the garbage ev’ry week.
A question for thee, thou of keenest eye:
This doublet that I purchas’d: doth it call
To mind James Dean or Jason Priestley, which?
The answer’s greater than essential, for
One is the paragon of all that’s manly,
Whilst th’other is a trifling hobbyhorse,
The zero found in 90210.
Just carpe diem, Christian—thou look’st fine
Array’d in’t—let thy misgivings flee!
Thou art most sure?
[to hooligans:] —An I did fall, ye’d catch me?
As surely as I catch a cold in th’rain.
Behold their antics—could they be more bland,
More unoriginal as they do woo?
[The hooligans grab Tai and hold her over the railing, as if threatening to drop her.
Help! Stop, ye villains! Help! O, bring me up!
[Christian rushes to give her aid, pulling her safely back over the railing and out of the hooligans’ arms.
You gleeking beetle-headed maggot-pies!
’Twas no more than a jest.
—A jest, forsooth!
You’d play your horrid games with women’s lives?
[Christian pushes them away. Exeunt hooligans.
Cher, I was sore afeard. I, innocent,
Did sit conversing with the charming lads,
When suddenly, amidst the laughter warm,
They grabb’d me, pushing me—
—Tai, art thou well?
I am.
—Art certain?
—Verily. My thanks.
Too much adventure I have had today.
Let’s get thee home for needed R and R.
What do those letters stand for? Ribs and rice?
[Christian laughs. He and Tai walk on together, leaving the mall and walking toward school. Cher follows.
[aside:] Considering how clueless young Tai is,
She plays the part of damsel in distress
As if she had rehears’d it all her life—
A perfect actor in her starring role.
Enter various STUDENTS at the school, including DIONNE and AMBER, sitting down to lunch. TAI sits and begins telling her tale. Exit CHRISTIAN.
Observe now how she sitteth round her stage,
Soliloquizing o’er her incident—
A harmless jest by mindless hooligans
Turn’d—like a monologue writ by a bard,
With drama heighten’d—to a brush with death.
[to Tai:] When thou knock’d on the door of death, what was
The vision in your mind? A montage of
The many scenes thou witness’d in thy life?
No montage, nay—my brain’s not on the A-team—
More like the ending of a tragedy,
Where all is death before the exeunt omnes.
Enter SUMMER.
Cher, is it true that members of a gang
Attempted to shoot Tai at yonder mall?
Nay, though the rumors fly on eagles’ wings,
’Tis manifestly, absolutely false.
All do report the news as if ’twere true.
Whatever you desire to think, you shall—
E’en when ’tis plainly facts alternative.
[to Tai:] When I was nine years old, I tumbl’d from
A structure made for play—a gymlike jungle—
And could have sworn I saw a vision black—
[Cher approaches the group.
Make way for Cher, my best and truest friend.
[aside:] Shall she have other folk make way for me?
My station is revers’d with hers—now am
I supplicant while she is master turn’d.
[to Tai:] Say more of what befell thee!
—Where was I?
Thou ponder’dst over what is truly vital.
Of course! Before one dies—as I near did—
The mind becometh suddenly aware,
As if a fog did clear in one fell swoop.
’Tis both intense and spiritual as well—
When I was held at gunpoint recently—
[to Cher:] Beg pardon, for the lass would tell her tale.
[To Tai:] Go on, I pray. Thy tale, Tai, would cure deafness.
It is a matter of the spirit, friends,
Which I, though, cannot pinpoint for thy mind;
It is impossible that I discuss
The subject sans a common frame of ref’rence.
[aside:] Is this some alternate reality,
Wherein I am a meager hanger-on
And Tai is diva to the yearning masses?
I’ll put my status to the test anon.
Since ye have ne’er experienc’d the like—
Tai, to the Tow’r of Records I shall go,
To purchase some small souvenir for Christian.
Indeed? What is’t to me?
—Wouldst thither come?
Yea, for I owe the man my very life,
My health, my whole existence, by my troth.
Then I shall come for thee when school doth end?
Yet not today, for I have other plans—
With Amber unto Melrose am I bound.
We two—we best of friends—to Melrose go.
Perchance tomorrow better works for thee?
Next Monday, peradventure, would suffice.
My week doth fill like bucket ’neath a spout.
[aside:] I have been snubb’d. Cher Horowitz is snubb’d!
[to Dionne:] Thy boyfriend hither cometh—ha! A jest—
For none in their right mind would choose his kind.
My Murray? O, I see, ’tis Travis. Ha!
Enter TRAVIS.
TRAVIS Tai, look upon this trick I’ve master’d.
[He spits a bite of food into the air, then catches it in his mouth.
Disgusting!
[to Dionne:] —May I sit by Tai’s side?
Nay.
—Be thou gone! Do not ye slackers lounge
On yonder grassy knoll in infamy?
[aside:] The lass is changèd, not for better.
She doth abuse me to win favor.
[Exit Travis.
[aside:] Ne’er felt I sympathy for Travis ere,
Yet Tai’s mistreatment is deplorable.
Is this what I have help’d her to become?
Is’t possible I so coldhearted am?
Tai, let us speak as two mature adults,
Who know the ways of pleasure and men’s bodies.
Hast thou e’er, in the water, done the deed?
Yea, natur’lly!
—E’en so? How does it work?
[Exeunt all but Cher as she wanders off by herself.
[aside:] What is this strange, unlikely circumstance
Where Dionne asketh Tai for love advice
And Tai exceeds my popularity?
Hath all the world gone hurly-burly now?
’Tis like a universe in parallel,
Where all is similar, yet deeply chang’d.
To make these matters worse, I soon must take
My driving test, that I may legally
Direct a carriage on its forward course.
I shall unto my home, to find my most
Responsible-appearing outfit. O—
I cannot bear these ripples in my fate,
Which shall my happy spirit obfuscate.
[Exit.
The Horowitz house and the streets of Beverly Hills.
Enter LUCY.
How, sometimes, I miss my El Salvador,
Land whence I came, where I was born and rais’d.
The child of two adoring parents I,
Who wish’d a better, broader life for me.
“Stay not within thy native country, Lucy!”
So often they directed me, in hopes
That more adventures elsewhere did await.
At twenty-one, unto America
I came with hope and wonder burgeoning,
Sure—in the land of opportunity—
My life would flourish with prosperity.
Instead, it seem’d that, as an immigrant—
One for whom Spanish was the native tongue—
I was unwanted, lesser, and the aim
Of ev’ry prejudice some people had.
’Twas not prosperity that I did find,
’Twas not adventure that did greet me here.
Instead, I was expected to want less,
Became a cleaner in a rich man’s house,
And here I dwell—a woman sans a home.
Enter CHER.
O, Lucy, thou art heaven-sent! Where is
My shirt sans collar made by Fred’rick Segal?
Belike ’tis at the cleaners, Lady Cher.
Today, though, is my carriage driving test.
Dost thou not see? The garment makes me look
More capable than any other doth.
Shall I call on them for thee?
—’Tis too late!
We also—almost I forgot—receiv’d
Another notice from the fire brigade
Declaring we must clear the flamm’ble bush.
Didst thou not say José would clip the hedge?
He is thy gardener—ask him thyself.
Enter JOSH.
Thou, Lucy, know’st I speak not Mexican.
No Mexican am I!
[Exit Lucy, angrily.
—Why shouted she?
Thy Lucy cometh from El Salvador.
Thy point is what?
—It is another land,
A country in its own right, which hath naught
To do with Mexico.
—What doth that matter?
Thou say’st it matters if someone declares
Thy house is somewhere south of Sunset, Cher!
Wilt thou not salve my mind? Is’t all my fault?
I am forever wrong, a country girl
Declaring ever matters incorrect.
Thou art a brat—a silly, foolish lass.
[Exit Josh.
Hath all the world against me harshly turn’d?
First Tai and Dionne, Lucy and then Josh,
Is no one left who loveth gloomy Cher?
Enter DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.
If thou art ready, we’ll begin thy test.
[aside:] ’Twas not the comfort for which I did seek.
[Cher and the instructor climb into a carriage together, with Cher driving.
An overwhelming ickiness comes o’er me,
As waves wash over feet that stand on shore.
I shall apologize to Lucy soon
Enow, yet still my heart is plagu’d with doubt.
For Josh to think me cruel drives me mad,
And makes my driving equally as poor.
Enter other DRIVERS and PEDESTRIANS in the lane.
Move thou into the right lane presently.
[aside:] Why should my mind be troubl’d over the
Opinion Josh hath of me anywise?
Why am I into turmoil toss’d to think
That in his eyes I may have dropp’d a peg?
[She veers quickly into the next lane, almost hitting a pedestrian.
Behold where thou dost turn, or thou shalt kill!
Wouldst make this carriage be thy murder weapon?
Alas, ’twas my fault wholly.
—What is this?
This pretense unto driving doth not make
Thee yet a driver—thou art not allow’d
To take both lanes, as if thou wert King Henry
And these two lanes were France and England both.
As I declar’d before, pull thou into
The lane upon the right, and do so now.
[Cher pulls into the lane, but in doing so strikes a parked carriage.
Nay, not so quickly! Wouldst thou slay us both?
Thou dost more damage than a hurricane!
Should I leave them a note, to say ’twas me?
Pull over here; the carriage stop anon.
[Cher stops the carriage at the side of the lane. Exeunt other drivers and pedestrians.
Shall we drive elsewhere, that thou mayst observe
How skill’d I am at making left-hand turns?
We shall return unto thy house at once—
My hands grasp’d firmly on the reins, not thine.
[He takes the reins and begins driving the back to Cher’s house.
The test is over?
—Thankfully, ’tis so.
Did I, then, pass th’examination, sir?
Consult we two the notes that I have made—
Thou shalt know whether thou hast made the grade.
Point one: thou art a failure at the art
Of parking carriages upon the road.
Point two: thou causest great catastrophes
When thou attempt’st to switch betwixt two lanes.
Point three: thou art a threat to humankind
When thou dost try to make a right-hand turn.
Point four: thou damag’st private property
As thou dull-wittedly dost drive along.
Point five: thou nearly kill’d a human soul
By striking them withal thy vehicle.
Concluding point: were I a betting man,
I’d venture thou hast fail’d th’examination.
Ha, failure? Nay, be merciful, say “death.”
For failure hath more terror in his look,
Much more than death; do not say I have fail’d!
O, may we not begin again, I pray—
A problem personal doth plague my soul,
Which causeth me to drive with care too short.
Thou saw’st how the pedestrian appear’d
As though they had been conjur’d from the air—
A rabbit pull’d from a magician’s hat!
Grant me another chance, and thou shalt see
That I shall concentrate most ardently.
In general, I am a driver skill’d!
Is there not someone else to whom I may
Converse, complain, convince, and make my case—
Thy supervisor, mayhap? For thou canst
Not be the be-all and the end-all in
The issuing of driver’s licenses!
As far as thou concernèd are, rash girl,
I am Messiah of all licensing,
The lord and savior of the driving world,
The alpha and omega of thy chances.
[They arrive at Cher’s house.
Pray, disembark. Thou shalt not drive today.
[Cher gets out of the carriage and walks into her house. Exit instructor.
It beggars all belief that I did fail!
Ne’er have I met a failure that I could
Not argue my way therefrom. Is this how
Most ordinary human beings feel?
Enter TAI and JOSH, playing a game together. TAI holds a box.
Holla, thou art return’d!
—Cher, welcome home—
Apologies for how we parted ways.
How doth it feel to have thy driver’s license?
Those fine sensations I cannot describe;
I fail’d my test.
—O Cher, my sympathy.
Josh, spare me all thy lecturing profound
Upon the subject of the art of driving—
How ’tis a vast responsibility
At which, by feigning, one shall not succeed.
Thou drivest ev’ry thought thereof from me—
Those words are thine, not mine.
—Thy thoughts speak loud
Enow that I may clearly hear the words.
Cher, let us talk awhile, for I have aught
That I would show thee, which may change thy mien.
’Tis my cue, then, to bid you both farewell.
[Exit Josh. Cher and Tai sit next to the fireplace.
I am most sorry, hearing of thy test,
Yet am so glad thou hast, at length, arriv’d.
There is a deed that doth fulfillment need,
But I’d not undertake it sans thine aid.
Canst sparkle still the right Promethean fire?
Indeed. One moment, and we shall have flames.
[Cher lights the fire.
The box thou carriest—what is therein?
’Tis some few trifles that bring Elton to
My mind, and we two—like Pandora—shall
Discover ev’ry evil held within.
Unlike the lass of old, though, we’ll not set
Them free upon the world, but burn them in
The pyre and so release me of their woes.
My heart hath mov’d beyond him, I am sure.
Let it be open’d!
—Dost thy mind recall
The party in the Valley, where a shoe
Did strike upon my pate and knock me cold?
Kind Elton brought a tow’l with ice to help.
[aside:] ’Twas Travis who brought ice, as I recall.
I was embarrass’d, at the time, to tell,
But I brought home the tow’l as souvenir.
[Tai pulls the towel from the box and throws it on the fire.
Thou art in jest! A towel?
—Even so!
Remember thou the song that play’d whilst we
Were dancing happily together, he
And I—’twas that “roll with the homies” song?
A tune forgettable, and I’d forgot.
In sentiment, I did the music buy,
And play’d it over nearly ev’ry night.
Tai, I am happy for thee. Tell me, what
Brought on this swelling of empowerment?
I met a man whose character amazeth,
Who makes rank Elton seem most loserly.
News wonderful!
—Wilt thou help me win Josh?
To win Josh what? Thou wouldst win him a prize?
My meaning is as plain as my delight—
I like him; gladly would I be with him.
Think’st thou his disposition’s mutual?
Yea, I do spy some marks of love in him.
What signs or signals hath he given thee?
The littlest items speak with loudest voice:
He findeth ways to touch or tickle me.
Recall when we were, lately, at the fest,
And I felt lost, forsaken, and depress’d—
He rescu’d me by asking me to dance,
And whilst we danc’d he flirted like a child.
Thy face, though, looketh pale—say, art thou well?
I shall be. [Aside:] Nay, I cannot tell the truth.
[To Tai:] Two mochaccinos did I have, which was
At least one drink too many—I may burst!
The feeling is precisely known to me—
The other day, as I convers’d with Josh,
We did discuss the difference betwixt
The girls of high school versus college girls.
The girls of college paint their faces less,
Which is why lads prefer them over us—
Tai, dost thou think that Josh and thou will work?
Is it a pairing made for tales of love?
He is a bookworm, nerdy in the height.
Have I a head of air, and nothing more?
Dost think me challeng’d mentally?
—Nay, no!
Those words are thine, not mine.
—Then, dost thou mean
My status is not high enow for Josh?
You two shall not mesh well together, Tai—
’Tis like the one is oil, the other water.
Thou dost believe we never shall mesh well?
Why do I listen to thee anywise?
A virgin with no driver’s license, thou.
’Tis wondrous harsh, past all necessity.
Apologies that I struck thee so low.
Let us attempt another parley once
Our strong emotions mellow for a spell.
Time heals all wounds, so doth the saying go.
Until that moment, I bid thee adieu.
[Exit Tai.
What have I done to my relationships?
Tai is a monster of mine own design,
A Gorgon with a steely-ey’d resolve.
My gorge is rising, mighty chunks therein,
That I shall vomit if I get not air—
I must outside, and rest myself awhile.
[She walks outside, through the streets.
All that I think and do is proven wrong!
Wrong over Elton and his purposes,
Wrong over Christian and what he desires,
Wrong over Josh and how I should treat him.
To one conclusion doth the kettle boil,
Which bubbles over with its meaning plain:
I am a clueless lass, and nothing more!
The Josh and Tai romance, if it be so,
Hath overwrought my mind enormously.
Why should I be concern’d? Tai is my friend!
I never shall begrudge her happiness—
If she has suitors, should I not be glad?
Why hath she, though, besotted been with Josh?
He dresseth like a jester wanting laughs,
He listeneth to music horrible,
He is not even cute, convention’lly.
He is more slug than man, who hangs around
The house and bothers me with teasing jibes.
How I recall our scenes domestic, he
With mouth stuff’d full of savory delights.
He hath no sense of rhythm, cannot dance—
In sooth, I could not take him anywhere.
Before mine eyes I see him at the party,
As he did jump around with bunny hops.
Yet, wherefore do I stress about him so?
This is but Josh. Indeed, he is a Baldwin—
With Alec’s gentle smile and lovely hair,
And William’s youthfulness and sense of style,
With Stephen’s frame and utter goofiness,
And Daniel’s reticence and striking eyes.
My heart hath memoriz’d his lovely smile,
Like light that brightens up the darkest room.
What joy, though, would he find in Tai’s embrace?
What could he see in her, a simple girl,
He who is older, more intelligent.
Mayhap he hath the sculptor’s eye, which sees
Not lump of rock but beauty just beneath,
And then by skill reveals a work of art.
Methinks she would not make him happy long—
Josh needeth someone with imagination,
A person who can render him the care
He needs, for in some areas he’s weak,
E’en someone who will laugh at all his jests,
Though some deserve but little merriment.
A-ha! The truth is on me suddenly—
[The fountain behind Cher suddenly springs forth with water and light.
Eureka, I have fall’n in love with Josh!
Josh, he whom I have known since I was small,
Who tickles me and jabs me when nearby,
Who gives me cause to smile when I am sad,
Whose presence is a comfort in itself,
Who help’d me learn to drive my carriage well,
Whom I do dearly love to torment so,
Who, all these years, hath been a friend to me—
By heaven, it is he I love, none other!
Completely, totally, and majorly
My heart doth move toward him utterly!
[Exit.
