P hysically , I was watching my school’s basketball game, but mentally, I was back at home, standing in the hallway outside my mom’s room, listening to the conversation she had with my grandparents. Although she didn’t flat out say it that way, my mama was basically telling her parents that she was going to die soon.

For months, I could feel that something was wrong with my mama, and I knew she was lying when she told me that her doctor’s appointments had gone smoothly and all they had to do was run some tests on her. It was almost as if she was trying to protect my feelings, and I didn’t like that shit. I wanted her to keep shit real with me and let me in on what was really taking place with her. Because I knew she hadn’t been honest, I’d been calling my grandparents just about every day, needing to know if they had any information about my mom’s health that she wasn’t telling me, and they swore they didn’t.

Earlier , when my grandparents came over to the house, once they finished their food, they told me to stay downstairs because they were going upstairs to talk with my mother. I gave it five minutes before I creeped up the stairs and stood in the hallway to listen to their conversation. I stood outside that door with tears falling down my face as my mama pretty much told my grandma that she was tired of fighting. That shit fuckin’ hurt me because my mama was my favorite girl in the world. At times, I tried to play tough and act like she did too much with all that damn yelling at my basketball games and practices, but the truth is, I loved that shit. I don’t even know how I would be able to function out on the court without hearing that loud, signature voice of hers in the stands, talking trash, egging me on to play my best. I just really couldn’t imagine a life without my mama in it, and because of that, I had just been in a fucked-up head space since this morning.

Prior to this morning, I didn’t even know what lupus nephritis was. I did my research on it, and that’s pretty much where I had to learn that it was like the end stage of lupus. My mama was damn near dying, and I didn’t even have a clue. I didn’t want to confront her with it, so I didn’t let it be known today that I was hurting just as badly as she was. She’d slept the entire day away, and she hadn’t been in my room to see that I had been in bed for hours, lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling as I thought about what I’d just overheard. Before my grandparents left, they’d come in my room to check on me, and they played that shit off so well, acting like nothing even fuckin’ happened in that bedroom with my mama.

I didn’t even care that they hid that shit from me because I already knew. Hiding all those fuckin’ secrets, and I didn’t even think they realized how much they were hurting me in the end. My own mama was fuckin’ dying, and I didn’t know shit about it. It took me being sneaky and eavesdropping in the hallway to find out the real. Shit was crazy.

“Let’s go, Jaguars ! Let’s go!” the gymnasium cheered for my school.

It was the fourth quarter, and we were up by six points. This was the final game, and whoever won tonight would be the state champion. It sucked that I wasn’t able to play in my last championship game as a middle schooler, but to be honest, everything happened for a reason because if I had to play after learning this news today about my mom, I would have probably cost my team the game. I wasn’t the kind of ball player who played my best when I had something heavy on my mind.

“Yes ! Sweet ,” I mumbled, watching my best friend, Jevonte , make the three that he’d just gone for.

It was literally fifteen seconds left in the game. I sat on the bleachers with my left leg bouncing, knowing how basketball worked. I knew better than to celebrate too soon because the other team could have their way in a matter of seconds, and we’d be walking out of this gym with our heads down low, pissed that we’d lost and celebrated too early, which caused us to get too comfortable. We were playing St . Thomas , and they were a good school in South Florida . They were our rival team and had spanked our ass last year in the championships, so there we were, coming back and not giving them any room to win two times in a row.

Their player had the ball, shooting for three, and now the score was back to us being in the lead by six points. Jevonte got the ball again, taking his time as he dribbled across the court, purposely allowing the clock to run. When it was exactly three seconds left in the game, that’s when he shot the ball, getting another three-pointer. I stood up with the rest of the fans, going crazy in the stands because my team had done it and were official state champions. As happy as I was for them, a piece of me was a little saddened that I wasn’t out there tonight to celebrate with them. Being out on the court with them, happy as ever, jumping up and down as we celebrated that victory, would have made me feel a little better.

I looked down and saw that my teammates were waving me over, telling me to come down because I had put that work in all season and helped get them to the championship game. But I stayed in the bleachers, feeling like I didn’t have anything to do with the victory they just had. That was all them. I was happy they were able to win, even though I wasn’t out there to play with them tonight. I would have felt like shit and like I let my team down if they had lost tonight. I did, however, go into the locker room once the game was over and celebrated with them, happy as well for the big win.

“I know you regret every day not walking away from that fight,” Coach Thomas said to me.

I just nodded my head at him.

“You good?” he asked.

“I’m straight,” was all I said before I walked out of the locker room.

I rode to the game with Jevonte and his big brother, Austin . Lowkey , I was surprised that my mama even let me go because she’d been milking this whole punishment thing, and I just knew she would tell me that I had to keep my ass home. Surprisingly , she said I could go, but I had to find my way out there because she wasn’t getting out of bed. That’s how I knew she really wasn’t feeling like herself. For one, my mama rarely let me get in the car with friends and shit. She was anal as fuck when it came to shit like that and just didn’t feel like everyone drove safely. So , whenever I wanted to hang out somewhere, she would drop me off.

I stood outside in the parking lot with my hands in my pockets, waiting for Jevonte to come out. His brother, Austin , stood next to me, and he was going on and on like a proud big brother about how Jevonte had performed tonight on the court.

“Whatever happened to that nigga who shot at you in the classroom?” Austin asked me.

Austin was cool. Jevonte and I had known each other since we were in the third grade. I spent a lot of time with his family, and he had been around my family a lot as well. Austin was a senior in high school, and he played ball, but their season had already finished for the year. They were state championship winners as well. Austin was a good ball player himself, and he had a lot of offers from colleges to play for them. I couldn’t wait until signing day because I was eager to see what school he would commit to.

“Last I heard, he was arrested. I haven’t followed up with that, though,” I let him know, and he nodded.

“Nobody ain’t fuck with you since that happened? I know he got a brother that’s in the streets and shit,” Austin replied.

“Nah . Shit , I been in the house, anyway. My mama got me on lockdown since that shit. This is really my first time getting out of the house like that,” I stated, and he laughed.

“Ma dukes don’t be playing with yo’ ass. She good, though?” he questioned.

“Yeah . She straight, man,” I responded, keeping that shit short—not wanting to get too deep about what was really going on with my mama.

He nodded and left it at that. Shortly after, Jevonte came from the front of the school with a big ass smile on his face as he made his way over to us. I’d already congratulated my brother and told him how happy I was for him balling his ass out the way he’d done this evening, but I did it again once he was standing next to us. Hugging him, I let him know how proud of him I was.

“I would have loved to play this final game with my brother,” Jevonte said to me.

“We got plenty more games left for us to play together. You did your thing tonight on the court,” I told him, showing him some more love.

After that, we walked over to Austin’s car, and I sat in the back while the two of them sat up front. From the front seat, Jevonte asked if I was okay and said that I was a little off tonight. I just assured him that I was fine, even though I had a lot on my mind.

Before dropping me back at the house, we stopped at Hook’s , which was one of my favorite seafood spots. I got the fried conch and fries dinner. I shook it up with Austin and Jevonte , and then I made my way to the front door, typed in the code, and let myself into the house. The alarm was on, so I had to disable it, and then I put it right back on.

Instead of going into the dining room to eat my food, I just kicked my shoes off, left them by the stairs, and made my way upstairs. I headed to my mama’s room, already knowing she was going to talk shit once she saw me upstairs with food, let alone going into her room with it.

I found her lying in bed on her side, watching TV . She was literally in the exact spot and the same position that I’d left her in when I left. The lamp was on, so I could see her vividly, and she could see me as well, which is why she sucked her teeth hard when she saw that I’d come into her room with food.

“Kari , go downstairs with that,” she fussed, removing her eyes from the TV and putting them on me.

“I ain’t gon’ spill nothing. I got conch. You want some?” I asked.

My mom loved conch just as much as I did. She had a coaster on her nightstand, so that’s where I set my drink down.

“No , I’m fine. I saw y’all won the championship. I know you wish you could have been out there playing tonight,” she said once I took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Yeah . Jevon went crazy out there tonight. The whole team did their thing,” I responded as I opened the food package, grabbed the ketchup from the bag, and dumped a lot of it onto my fries.

“I can’t believe I got you in my room, eating that,” she said.

I didn’t even respond. Instead , I just paid attention to the movie she was watching, shaking my head because she was watching Save the Last Dance for probably the millionth time. My mama loved this damn movie and would literally sit there and say it word for word.

“Why you always watching this corny movie? The white girl couldn’t even dance for real. You a whole legend out here in the dance world, so you gotta know she wasn’t even doing nothing for them to be praising her the way they were,” I voiced, and she laughed.

The laugh ended when she released a dry ass cough that had me moving my food on the bed. I grabbed the water bottle that she had resting on the nightstand and took the top off. Once she sat up, I handed her the water. As she held it in her hands, I patted her back, and it took her a whole minute to fully stop coughing. She handed the water bottle back to me, and I placed it back on the nightstand.

Instead of picking my food back up, I just sat there, staring at her. So many thoughts ran through my mind, but what fucked with me the most was having to accept the reality that I may lose my mama, and nothing in the world would ever prepare me for that shit. I felt a tear drop, and I ain’t want her to see me crying, so I stood up from the bed, grabbed my food, and closed the container.

“What ? You leaving me already?” she asked, turning her head in my direction.

“Yeah , Ima just watch something in my room.” My voice involuntarily cracked on me. Instantly , I could see the worry on my mom’s face.

“Kari , baby, what’s wrong?” she asked, sitting up in the bed.

“Nothing , Ma . Ima go lay down,” I told her.

A tear freely fell from my eyes that I wasn’t able to wipe away in time. She got up off the bed, took the food from my hands, and placed it on the dresser. Then , she sat on the bed, pulling me down with her. Pulling my head her way, she placed it on her chest while she kept her arm wrapped around me. I broke down and started bawling like a damn baby.

“Baby , what’s wrong?” my mom asked me again.

“I know you… you sick, Ma . I heard you tell Grandma and Pop -Pop . Ma , I know!” I cried. That shit killed me to release it from my lips.

She continued to rub my arm up and down and in a circular motion.

For about five minutes, she didn’t even say anything. She allowed me to have my moment while she continued to console me. After a while, she removed my head from her chest and grabbed my hands in hers, looking me in the eyes. She wasn’t crying or anything, but she did have a tired look in her eyes.

“Dakari , you know you’re so strong, right—”

“Ma , come on. You know I can’t live without you. I wouldn’t even know the first thing to do without having you in my life. I know I have Dad , and I love him too, but Ma , the bond I have with you isn’t the bond that I have with Dad . I got my own personal cheerleader in you. When I play ball, I know exactly where to look in the stands to find you. After nine years of playing, you never switched your seat in the gym. I can always find you right on the end row, and you’re the loudest person in the room, cheering for me. I don’t think you understand how much I need you, Ma . I know you think I’m strong, but I’ll never be strong enough to live my life without you. Nah . Ion have them kinds of powers,” I revealed to her with tears and snot falling from my face, hating that I had to be in my feelings. But this shit fuckin’ hurt, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

I could tell that I was hurting her with the things I said because a lone tear had fallen from her eye as she pulled me to her and placed her hand on the back of my head.

“I need you to know that your mommy is fighting. Son , I’ve been fighting for a long ass time,” she stated, and her voice cracked.

“I heard you tell Grandma and Pop -Pop that you need a kidney. I can give you one of mine,” I told her once we pulled away from each other.

My mom laughed and wiped the leftover tears from my face. “Keep your kidney, son. We’re going to figure all of this out, alright?” she said, and I just nodded.

“I’m not going with my dad tomorrow. Ima just stay here with you,” I let her know.

“You don’t have to, baby. I’m going to be just fine. Go hang out and have fun with your father. He’s looking forward to that,” she insisted.

I was going to spend the last few days of my suspension in Cali with my father. I guess my mom figured that she’d worked me more than enough and had abused the hell out of me to get things fixed around the house, so she agreed to let me go to Cali to be with my dad for a few days. I had been looking forward to spending time with him, but after getting this news about my mom today, I just wanted to stay with her.

As much as I didn’t want to leave her, I thought it was best that I got away for a few days because being in that house was going to send me into a state of depression.