“A nd you been sitting on this information for how long, bruh? If I ever needed any kind of recollection of why we divorced, I remember now. I forgot how fuckin’ selfish your ass is!” Dionte barked at me as the two of us stood outside on the patio of the guest room where I was sleeping.

After we finished having sex and he went into the bathroom, I grabbed a robe that I had draped across the chair, put it on, and sat outside, giving myself some time to get my thoughts and words in order. I knew Dionte wouldn’t take the news well when I told him what was going on with me. To be honest, I came to California with it on the top of my list to tell Dionte everything. I was going to wait until after his mom’s birthday party, though, because I didn’t want to drop it on him as soon as I landed and fuck up his mood.

My parents now knew, and I had a long conversation with my grandmother yesterday morning after leaving dialysis, and I told her, even though my mom had already said something. I told my best friend and my little sister too, and neither of them took the news really well. It was a chip that I was tired of having on my shoulder, and I needed to get it off. Dionte would be the one who took it the worst, and that was probably why I stalled on telling him for so long. This news was going to break his heart, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I didn’t expect to have sex with him tonight. It was just that being in the same bed as him with my feet in his lap as he gave me the best foot massage ever had me craving him, and I couldn’t resist. For the full thirty minutes that he massaged my feet, I had my eyes closed, mentally debating with myself. On the one hand, I told myself to get the massage and let him go back upstairs to his bedroom, but then, there was that other voice in my head telling me to get the dick just one more time. I was glad I listened to the voice that told me to have sex with him, but now, not even ten minutes after our good sex had ended, I could tell that we were about to be down each other’s throats.

“That doesn’t make me fuckin’ selfish, Dionte ! I couldn’t find a way to tell you this shit. I didn’t even want to tell my son because I knew it would break him to pieces. I know how much you love me, and I love you just as much, Dionte , but I’m sorry if I prolonged having to tell my ex-husband that I’m fuckin’ dying! You think I like telling people this shit? You know how many hearts I’ve broken within the past two weeks just from sharing this news with my loved ones? This shit isn’t easy!” I screamed.

My voice cracked, and tears easily fell from my eyes as I rushed over to him, getting in his face. The look in Donte’s eyes proved that not only was he angry about the news I’d just given to him, but he was hurt as well, which was expected in this situation.

“Siri , I know this shit ain’t easy on you. I’m not saying it is, but Bay -Bay , come on, you could have let a nigga know something. You telling me that you been going to dialysis, and for the first month of you doing that shit, nobody even knew. Man , you didn’t have to go through that shit alone. I could have been right there with you. That’s the only thing I’m trying to get you to understand right now, Siri . Why drown alone when I could have been right fuckin’ there to hold your hand?” he asked. His voice cracked too, but he didn’t drop tears in front of me.

I hated that I was hurting the people around me like this. This was what I had been trying to avoid all along.

“Because , Dionte , this was the one time where I had to drown on my own. Y’all can’t save me this time—”

“Don’t say that shit! Don’t you fuckin’ say that shit, yo! Your kidneys failing you, right? I got two, and I’ll easily give you one of mine. You gon’ give up on life just like that, Siri ? What about our fuckin’ son? You don’t think he needs you? Bay -Bay , you don’t think I fuckin’… you don’t think I fuckin’ need you?” his voice went out as he spoke that last part.

He grabbed my arms, pulling me right in front of him. I saw so much hurt in Dionte’s eyes. There was so much sadness. He was easily the hardest man I knew, and I could count on one hand the number of times that I’d witnessed him cry in front of me, so to see him like that was painful as hell to watch.

Dionte dropped to his knees and wrapped his arms around my waist, laying his head against my stomach. I reached down and placed my hand on top of his head as I looked down at him.

“Siri , I’ll give you my kidney. You know I got you. That’s nothing to me. I know you look at me as Superman . You used to tell me that shit all the time. I take on a lot of shit. Sometimes , I feel like it’s me against the world with this basketball shit, but Siri , I’m looking you in your eyes and telling you that I can’t live without you here. I know I can’t,” he insisted.

I got on the floor with him, holding his chin in my hand while looking into his sad eyes. “Nothing cures lupus, Dionte . Everything just temporarily takes the pain away. This is the worst it’s ever been, and I’ve cried about it. I questioned God about it and even got a little angry with Him because I felt like it wasn’t fair, but I’ve accepted His decision and what He feels is the final say so for my life. So far, you, my parents, my sister, Brooklyn , and even Kari have offered to give me a kidney, but I’m not taking my son’s kidney. That’s not even an option. If somehow, none of that works, Dionte , I need you to be Superman —”

“Serenity —”

“Dionte , you have to! I gave you the name Mr . Man for a reason because, to me, you are the man, and in my eyes, there isn’t anything you can’t do. I know we don’t want to face the reality of all this, but baby, I want us to be prepared for whatever will come. You have to be Superman to Dakari . That’s literally all I ask of you. Can you please just do that for me?” I asked, still cuffing his chin and looking him in the eyes.

“Yeah , I got you,” was all he said.

I let his chin go, and he kissed me on my forehead, then stood up from the ground and walked back inside. My body moved back against the wall, and I pulled my knees to my chest as I dropped my head into my lap, crying softly. I was doing exactly what I knew for a fact Dionte was going upstairs to do. He just didn’t want to do it in front of me, and I respected that because this was a lot for him to take in.