I’d stood at that window until the plane was long gone and then some.
He’d left.
I’d laid it all out there, and he’d still left.
I felt…horrible. No, worse than horrible. Like my insides had become my outsides. Like I might throw up at any moment. Like everything in my world had just come crashing down, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Worst of all, I’d done this to myself.
I’d made David think that I wasn’t actually ready for this. And he’d believed me. He didn’t think I was ready, and running to the airport to stop him hadn’t made it any better. In fact, it seemed to have made it worse. Because, now, he was gone for good, believing that all he did was cause me heartache.
Now, my heart was broken.
And I felt as dead inside as I had the day that Maverick died.
David was right. This was about me. Me and only me.
All I knew was that I needed to fix it.
I just had no idea how to do that.
Both luckily and unluckily, Emery and Jensen’s wedding was this weekend. So, my Friday night and Saturday were completely booked. I didn’t have to think about anything, except the set schedule Heidi had handed out to us earlier that week.
I attended the rehearsal dinner, even managing to laugh at the pictures that were shown of Jensen and Emery together and the stories that Heidi, Landon, and Morgan told about them.
I showed up right on time on Saturday morning. Sat through hair and makeup like a champ. Pulled on the gorgeous red dress Emery had picked out for us. Oohed and aahed over Emery’s black wedding dress.
Jensen and Emery met ahead of time. Too anxious to wait to see each other. A million pictures later, everyone was faking their smiles, so I didn’t even look out of place.
“Chin up,” Morgan said, nudging me.
“I’m happy for them.”
“But you’re not happy.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t matter today. Today is all about Jensen and Emery. This is the wedding he should have had the first go-around.”
“True. Colton does look dapper,” Morgan said, admiring Jensen’s son, who lived with his mother.
“He does. And Jason in that suit,” I said with a forced laugh. “So little for such an expense.”
“It’s worth it. You’ll cherish these pictures forever.”
And they would forever be tainted for me. But, of course, I didn’t say that.
It was an evening wedding.
With her black wedding dress and Jensen’s tuxedo, it only made sense. They’d chosen a venue just outside of town at one of Lubbock’s famous local wineries. Considering how many people Jensen had invited—basically the whole city—they’d wanted something outdoors to accommodate the crowd. And a crowd it was.
The girls and I were peeking through the dressing room space we’d been given and watched as people showed up in droves. The Wright name sure drew a crowd, but everyone knew Jensen. He was well liked and respected. It was showing with how many people were in attendance.
My heart panged at the memory of my own wedding. It had been such a good day. Even as I’d been pregnant and unable to consume any alcohol, Maverick had made it the best time. Now, I was at Jensen’s wedding, and the only person I wanted at my side was David. And yet I had pushed him away.
I searched for his face in the crowd even though I knew I wouldn’t find it. To my surprise, I saw Penn, who I had completely forgotten was coming to this. But he didn’t have Katherine at his side. So, that probably meant no David either.
I turned away from the chaos outside and vacated my spot next to Julia to speak to Emery.
Emery smiled at me and then drank from a glass of champagne.
“How are you holding up?” I asked her.
“Butterflies. I mean, I didn’t think Jensen would ever want to get married. Now, it’s here, and it’s a little scary.”
“I know those feelings. But, remember, you’re walking toward your future, and that’s really all that matters.”
Even if your future only lasts for a year and a half.
“You’re right,” Emery said, downing the rest of her champagne.
I took it from her and placed it on the table.
“I want to marry Jensen. It’s just that the theatrics aren’t me.”
“Enjoy every minute of it. This is the first day of the rest of your life.”
Emery grinned wider. “Thanks, Sutton.”
“Are you ready? I can help you put your shoes back on.”
“Yes. Dear God, why did I decide on such a huge dress? I should be able to slip on my own Converse.”
“Because you look beautiful in it, and the Converse kick ass.”
I helped her into her shoes as the wedding planner rushed in to get us into position. I grabbed my bouquet of white flowers. Heidi handed Emery her bouquet of bright red flowers. And then we were off.
We meandered through the vineyard before coming to a stop. Our heels sinking into the dirt, we all wished we’d gone with Converse like Emery. Our walk down the aisle was short, but Emery took her time. And it was the happiest I’d ever seen my brother. Their vows were perfect, and somehow, it was all over. It felt like barely a second had passed.
The lot of us retreated to the reception space to await the throng of guests. It was an event, and I was glad for the buffet and champagne by the time we made it through the whole thing.
Jason ran over to me with Jenny in tow.
“Hey, buddy. You did so good.”
Keeping a two-year-old quiet was magic. I was lucky that Jenny was here. She sank into the seat next to me.
“Mommy?” Then, he pointed across the dance floor to where Bethany was standing with her older sister, Lilyanne.
“Yes, go ahead. You can dance.”
I watched him run out onto the dance floor and start to turn around in circles in front of his friends.
“Show-off,” I muttered.
Jenny laughed next to me. “He really is. So, how are you holding up?”
“Like shit,” I told her honestly. “But I’m here. I’m trying to enjoy the moment for my brother.”
“Have you tried calling David?”
“I mean…I’ve thought about it a dozen times. Picked up the phone, put it down, picked it up again. But what can I say that I didn’t say at the airport? It didn’t matter then, so how would it matter now?”
“Take the time to process. Maybe he’ll come around.”
“Maybe.”
Just then, Julian appeared and offered Jenny his hand.
“You don’t mind?” she asked me.
“Of course not. Go have fun.”
Jenny grinned and then rushed onto the dance floor with Julian.
My eyes skittered over the crowd. Jordan had flown his girlfriend in for the occasion, and Annie was giving him the side-eye while simultaneously flirting shamelessly with the bartender. And the rest of my family had smiles plastered on their faces as they danced to the music. Jensen and Emery at the center of the crowd. Landon and a pregnant Heidi laughing together. Austin and Julia not so discreetly mauling each other. Patrick trying to cajole Morgan out onto the dance floor while she rolled her eyes and protested. Even Kimber and her husband, Noah, were out dancing by the kids.
Everyone had someone.
And my someone was thousands of miles away.
I sighed and then stood up. I knew what I needed to do. I couldn’t just let David go. Maybe I couldn’t fix what I’d broken. But I knew that I missed him desperately. I missed him more than anything. Being at this wedding, alone, only made me realize how lonely I really was. I’d had that happiness, and it had slipped between my fingers. I wanted it back, and the only way to get it back was to make it happen. No one else could fix this but me.
I stood from the table and slowly meandered out of the reception. A few people stopped to say hi to me, but I extracted myself and kept going until I was alone in the vineyard. I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my dress—thank fuck this dress had pockets—and with a big gulp of courage, I called David’s number.
It rang three times. Just when I thought for sure that he wouldn’t answer, the line clicked over, and he said, “Hello?”
“Hey, David,” I said softly. I took another step forward, trying to drown out the music from the party.
“This is unexpected.”
“I know. I’m sure you didn’t think I’d call. And, for a while, I didn’t know what the point would be to calling since, you know, you left and went back to New York City, even after I pleaded with you to stay.”
“It wasn’t the right time.”
“Okay, just…let me get this all out there. You don’t have to say anything until I’m done.” I took a deep breath and launched into my speech. “I have been a widow for four hundred twenty-nine days. And, every one of those days, I have thought jarringly about what I lost. My husband after only a year and a half of marriage. My college friends who couldn’t deal with my new status…with my grief. But, most of all, I lost myself. I lost a huge part of who I had been. I couldn’t find the joy in anything. I stopped going to church. I was still present at family functions, but I wasn’t there. And I kept asking through all of it, Why me? What did I do to deserve a dead husband, a dead mother, a dead father? How much more could I take?” I sniffled around the pain, just admitting it all out loud.
“I was drowning, and the only reason I was alive at all was because of Jason. I couldn’t let him grow up without any parents either. He didn’t even have siblings to raise him.
“And then you entered my life. I mean, you were always standing there, on the sidelines, ready to help out whenever I needed you. But I was so far gone that I didn’t see it for what it was.
“When I finally opened my eyes, I felt like this was so…right. And the more time we spent together, the more right it felt. I still had doubts and fear, and I was so fucked up. I let it control me instead of learning how to control it. You endured them all and never tried to step away. You were so understanding. So wonderful.
“Then, the car accident happened, and I fell off the deep end. I was drowning again, and I didn’t know how to pick myself up. It wasn’t until you left…really left that I realized no one else was going to pick me up but myself. I’ve been so miserable in the days that you have been gone. But I’m not drowning. I just miss you. I miss you so much.” I choked up again and hoped the tears wouldn’t fall.
“What I’ve realized is that I put restrictions on myself. I told myself I couldn’t or shouldn’t feel this way. That little voice told me it was too soon. But it’s okay for me to feel again. And it’s okay for me to want you. And it’s okay to fall in love.
“I’m so sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for putting you in a position where you couldn’t even believe what I was saying. I’m sorry for everything. I wish that we could fix this. Because I love you. I love you with all my heart. I’ll fly to New York tonight if that’s what it takes. Because I’m ready for us. I’m ready.”
The words hung between us. He didn’t say anything at first, and the silence stretched.
“David?”
“Yes, sorry, I could barely hear you over the music.”
My heart sank. He’s at some party while on the phone with me? Is this a joke to him?
“What music?”
“Well, it’s Michael Bublé right now.”
The voice had come from right behind me.
I whirled around, my hand flying to my mouth.
David walked out of the shadows, materializing before me, as if plucked out of thin air.
He extended a hand to me. “Care to dance?”