Chapter Twelve

“YOU DROVE HERE all by yourself?”

Ben nodded and rolled his eyes when Ryan held his hand up for a high five.

“Come on, Benny. Don’t leave me hanging here.” Ben slapped his hand halfheartedly, and Ryan gave him a big grin. He picked up the box of books at his feet and moved to the next set of shelves. “What’d you do today while I’ve been working my ass off?”

Ben dropped into one of the squashy armchairs that were scattered throughout the store.

“Went and saw Gran.” He reached over and plucked one of the books out of the box and flipped through a few pages, fighting to keep a straight face. “Came out to her.”

“What?” There was a thunk as Ryan dropped the stack of books he was holding. “Shit.” He picked them up and dumped them back in the box before sitting on the ottoman right in front of Ben’s chair. He looked around to see where the manager was and then leaned forward attentively. “What happened?”

Ben told him. He told him about Eddie and Will and what had happened to them, and how he hadn’t gone to Gran’s with the intention of telling her, but it had just happened. And that she was awesome and fantastic.

“I already knew that.” Ryan surprised him by pulling him into a hug and almost sitting on him in the process. “I am so fu—freaking proud of you.”

“Thanks, now get off me.” Ben quickly hugged him tight before pushing him away.

“So, now what?”

Ben picked up the book he’d taken out of the box and started flipping through it again. “I don’t know. I asked her not to say anything to Mom or Dad yet.”

“Are you going to tell them today?”

Ben shrugged. “Maybe? I don’t know.”

“I’m not saying that you should run home and do it now, but it should probably be soon.” Ryan caught the manager eyeballing him and stood up, reaching for the box. “You want to hang out for a little bit?”

“Yeah. Just let me see if Mom needs the car back.” Ben sent the text, and then flipped back to the latest texts from Marcus. He still hadn’t told Ryan everything that had happened between them. Maybe he should. His phone pinged a message saying his mom and dad had decided to go out together and to take his time with the car. “I’m good to stay. When do you get off?”

“Another two hours.”

“Want me to wait? I don’t have anything else to do.” Ben thought for a second. “As long as it won’t get you in trouble.”

Ryan picked up the now empty box. “If you want to. And it’ll be fine. I just have to get the rest of these put away.” He gestured at the small stack of boxes waiting for him. And then lay a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “I really am proud of you.”

Ben smiled and settled in to wait.

 

“YOU KNOW HE’S not going to just randomly show up, right?”

Ben jumped, almost dropping his book. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He went back to reading. The book had started to get interesting. He’d never read much urban fantasy, but he was getting into this one.

“Dude.” Ryan poked him in the shoulder. Ben looked up to see Ryan giving him a very unimpressed face. “You practically break your neck to look every time the door opens.”

As if on cue, the door opened, and Ben couldn’t help the glance he gave it. “Am not.”

Ryan shook his head. “Pitiful, man.” He walked back over to the last box.

“Shhh, I’m reading.”

Ben felt something hit the back of his head.

Ryan sighed and picked up the wadded up paper packing material he’d flung at him. “Seriously, though.” Ben frowned as Ryan sat on the ottoman again. “I mean, you guys decided that you’re not—” Ryan waved a hand around vaguely. “But you’re still—” He made a gesture at Ben.

“I’m still what?” Ben wanted to hear him say it out loud, even though he knew where he was going with it. He really was going to have to tell him everything.

“I don’t even know. I mean, I know you guys worked it out about, you know, but it’s like you’re right back where you were.” Ryan ran a hand through his hair. “You know, with all the pining and shi—” He looked around. “—stuff.”

Ben rolled his head back and groaned. “Seriously?” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, so you want to know exactly what he said?”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

Ben blew out a breath and looked him in the eye. “He told me that he really likes me too—”

“Duh.”

Ben glared at Ryan for interrupting. “But that he wouldn’t be a secret.” Ryan gaped at him, and Ben kept talking. “So, what do I do with that?” He felt like getting up and pacing but knew it would draw too much attention to them. “I mean, I can’t blame him, you know?”

“So, what you’re telling me”—Ryan was speaking slowly, thinking things through—“is that this hot guy you’ve been pining over likes you too and would probably most likely be your boyfriend right now if you were out?”

“Pretty much.” Ben slumped back down into the chair, but then something occurred to him. “You think Marcus is hot?”

Ryan waved a hand at him. “He’s good-looking. I’m not blind. Besides, you think he’s hot, and that’s all that matters.” He flicked Ben on the thigh making him jump. “Is he pushing you? Do I need to go talk to him?”

“No. It just gave me a lot to think about.”

Ryan lowered his voice. “Okay, so if you came out, what would happen?”

“Everyone would know.”

“They would. What else would happen?”

“I could—” Ben swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. “I could date. I could have a boyfriend.”

“Right. And as much as I want you to have that”—Ryan’s voice was a little rough, too—“you have to do it on your timetable. I know you. And I know you’ll talk yourself out of it again. Telling Gran was an awesome first step, but you have to take the next one.”

They both cleared their throats, the conversation far heavier than they could have imagined. Ryan looked up and saw his manager come out of the back. “Look, give me just a few minutes to put the rest of this away, okay?”

Ben sank down in his chair. “Fine.” He was grateful they were taking a break from talking. Ryan put the last book on the shelf and then checked his phone before giving Ben a quick glance. Nodding to himself, he typed something that was probably to Rachel.

“Um, Rachel is wondering if we’re doing anything tonight. Want to call in reinforcements?”

“You mean for you?”

Ryan snorted. “No, I mean maybe you should talk it out more with Marcus. He gets this in ways I can’t.”

Ben lay his head back and groaned. “I don’t need to discuss this with a committee.” Then he realized what Ryan had said. “Wait. Rachel asked what we’re doing?”

“Yeah. I mean, you know anyone I go out with has to be cool with you too, right?”

Ben blinked at him. He’d never said that before. “What?”

Ryan ignored the question. “Besides, I think she’s still trying to get you and Marcus together. I don’t know how much he told her about your situation. I haven’t told her anything.” His gaze flicked up to Ben. “Do you want me to tell her to back off?” Ben looked at him for so long Ryan finally asked, “Is that a no?”

Ben shook his head. “It’s a maybe.” He didn’t know what to do with that revelation. “Thanks.”

Ryan gave him a weird look. “For what?”

“For, you know.”

“It’s not like you wouldn’t do the same for me. Anyway—” He tapped something out on his phone, and it buzzed back immediately. “—do you want to hang out with Rachel and Marcus or not?”

Ben sighed. He kind of wanted to go home. But he also wanted to see Marcus, now that that was on the table. “Sure.”

“That was very convincing.” Ryan put his phone down on a shelf and gave Ben an even look. “Look, if you don’t want to, we can always go home and watch a movie or something.” He looked down as his phone buzzed with another text. “Again.”

“No, it’s fine.” Ben rolled his eyes when Ryan gave him a look. “Really. What do they want to do?”

“I know you’re not into horror movies,” Ryan started, and anxiety began to build in Ben. “But they want to go see that new one that just came out. You know, the one with the clown?”

“Um.” Ben’s voice was faint, even to his own ears. Not into horror movies was an understatement: he actively avoided them. Slasher movies didn’t bother him as much since they were obviously fake and a little ridiculous, but anything that had decent jump scares were not his favorite.

“I can ask them if they want to see something else.” Ryan’s fingers were poised over the screen.

Ben appreciated the gesture, but he’d hate being the person who stopped the fun.

“No, I can do it.”

“Really?” Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Don’t you remember the time I brought over The Ring, and you—”

“Oh my god, you’re never going to forget that, are you?” In Ben’s defense, Ryan had tricked him. He hadn’t exactly told him it was a horror movie, but that didn’t mean he was ever going to let Ben forget how he’d hidden his face in Ryan’s shoulder for the majority of the movie.

Ryan put his hand over his heart. “It is one of my most cherished memories.”

“You’re an ass.”

“And you know this, but you love me anyway.” Ryan grinned at him, and Ben couldn’t help but smile back. “Are you in?”

“I’m in, but I’m probably going to spend the entire movie hiding behind my popcorn.”

Ryan snorted and tapped a response, hitting send with a flourish. “I can’t wait. I’m going to go clock out.”

A few minutes later, they were outside and walking to Ryan’s car. Ben had had enough driving for the day and texted his mom to see if they could pick up the car, or if he needed to bring it home first. He was relieved when she told him they’d take care of it and that she was proud of him driving by himself.

He bumped Ryan’s shoulder. “You owe me.”

Ryan sighed and bumped him back. “I’m going running tomorrow morning, aren’t I.”

“Yep.”

“Fine.”

 

THE LIGHTS WENT down, and Ben was already starting to feel a knot of anxiety tightening in his stomach. They were sitting in a way that had been calculated by at least two of their group—Rachel and Ryan, and then him and Marcus, in that in order—and he still wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

Ryan had, of course, already told them about Ben’s humiliating reaction to horror movies. While Ryan thought it was hilarious, Rachel and Marcus had immediately offered to go see something else. They were so nice about it that Ben decided he needed to grit his teeth and get through it.

Ryan had continued teasing him until Rachel glared at him and insisted on buying Ben’s ticket. She’d elbowed Ryan until he stopped, and then took his hand. Ben and Marcus glanced at each other at that, and smirked. But it was when she made Ryan buy Ben’s popcorn for “being a jackass,” that Ben had laughed out loud and hugged her right then and there.

But now, sitting in a mostly empty theater in the dark, he was beginning to think he’d made a mistake. The previews were still on as he settled in his seat, suddenly realizing that Marcus was leaning closer to him, their shoulders pressing together.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” Marcus’s lowered voice barely reached Ben’s ears.

Ben nodded and whispered back. “Yeah.”

They quieted as the movie started, and minutes in, Ben had a hand over his face, peeking through his fingers. He put his hands in his lap, clutching his popcorn bucket during a seemingly safe moment, but nearly jumped out of his skin when Marcus’s hand touched his and peeled his fingers from their death grip. He looked at Marcus with what had to be an incredulous look on his face. Marcus gave him a small smile and laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand.

Ben couldn’t help but glance around the theater to see if anyone had noticed. But when Marcus started to take his hand away, he stopped him, keeping a hold. He tipped his head toward Marcus’s and kept his voice low. “No, it’s good. Thanks.”

Marcus leaned closer and pressed their heads together for just a second before sitting back in his seat. His hand gave Ben something to concentrate on for the rest of the movie, and if he hid his face in Marcus’s shoulder now and then, he didn’t feel bad about that at all.

They stayed until the very end of the credits because Rachel, Ryan, and Marcus insisted, even though Ben didn’t see the point. It did mean he got to hold Marcus’s hand for a little bit longer, though, so he didn’t argue. When the lights started to come up, they let go. Now that it was time to get up and leave, Ben missed Marcus’s hand.

Ben and Marcus walked out ahead of the other two, and Ben found himself wondering what it would be like if he could just reach out and take that hand back. Like it was nothing. Like he knew Ryan and Rachel were probably doing right that second. What would that be like?

Marcus bumped his shoulder to get his attention.

“You okay? It wasn’t too scary, was it?” Ben shook his head; he couldn’t express what he was feeling at that moment. “Then what? You’ve got that face going again.”

Ben laughed despite himself. “What face?”

“It’s your ‘I’m thinking’ face.” Marcus scrunched his own face up, his mouth set in a hard line. “I’m guessing that’s also your ‘face-off face’ because it kind of looks like you want to murder someone.”

Ben shoved his hands in his pockets and snorted. “Yeah, probably.”

“So what’s up?”

“I came out to my Gran.”

Marcus blinked at him and then smiled cautiously. “How’d it go?”

“Good. It went good. I think I’m going to come out to my parents.” He glanced at Marcus to gauge his reaction. He saw several expressions warring on Marcus’s face, but the one that stayed was gentle happiness.

“If you feel like it’s time, then good for you.” Marcus rested his hand on Ben’s back and let it linger for a few seconds.

In those few seconds, Ben caught sight of a few of his teammates in the theater lobby—Smithwick with a girl he vaguely recognized and Holt with Jenny. He instinctively took a step away from Marcus and caught Marcus snatching his hand back. Ben’s blood ran cold.

Smithy looked up after Jenny elbowed him and pointed Ben out. He caught Ben’s eye with a big smile, but then he saw Marcus just behind him, and his expression was…odd. Like he was working something out. Ben was saved from talking to them by their dates pulling them to the concession stand. Smithy shot him one more look over his shoulder, and then Ben was pushing his way out the double doors onto the sidewalk.

“Ben?” Ryan’s voice was right behind him as he headed blindly away from the theater, having forgotten in his panic where Ryan had parked. “Jesus Christ, slow down!” A hand wrapped around his bicep, and he jerked away, or tried to, but Ryan dug his fingers into the back of Ben’s hoodie and wouldn’t let go. “What the hell are you doing?”

Ben whirled around, breaking Ryan’s hold. “I—I can’t.”

“Take a breath and tell me what happened.”

“Smithy and Holt. They saw.” Ben couldn’t explain the intense reaction he was having. After everything they’d talked about and how things had gone with Gran, he’d finally been having fun. But as soon as the real world seeped back in, it was gone in an instant. The reasons why he struggled with his decision had smacked him right in the face.

“Saw what?” Ryan was keeping up with Ben’s pace now, allowing him to walk farther and farther away from the theater.

“I don’t even—” Ben stopped so suddenly Ryan almost ran into him. “What am I doing?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.” Ryan’s full-blown concerned face was on in force, and Ben knew he wasn’t going to be able to shrug him off. Ryan stepped closer, and his voice was low and gentle, like he thought Ben was about to lose it. He probably wasn’t too far from the truth. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” he asked gently. “You’re kind of freaking me out here.”

“I don’t know. We were walking out and it was—” Ben’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, determined to get the words out. “—it was nice, you know? It was nice and it was like—”

“Like a date.” Ryan understood; of course, he did. “And then you saw the guys and panicked.”

Ben nodded. He looked past Ryan to where Rachel and Marcus were standing, heads together and talking in low voices. Shame filled him at being so panicked by what those guys would think, when he should be worrying about scaring the shit out of his friends.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t be sorry.” Ryan bit his lip. “I’ve heard what the guys say when they’re out on the ice and trying to get under your skin. You don’t want to give them any ammunition, right?” Ben nodded. “That’s what it is, isn’t it? Worrying about what will happen out there or in the locker room?”

“You know it is.” Ben felt like sitting down right there on the sidewalk and telling Ryan to just leave him there. “I can’t lose my place on the team.”

“Do you think all of that depends on who you choose to date?” Before Ben could say anything, Ryan kept on, anger finally apparent. “It doesn’t. What you do on the ice has nothing to do with who you like, or whatever.” Ben tried to shush him, but now Ryan was on fire. “You’re an awesome player and the fucking team captain and you earned that yourself.” Ben flinched back from the finger poked into his chest. “You’re hurting yourself, and I want you to think about why you’re doing it.” Ryan sounded like he was closer to tears than he’d been at the bookstore, and Ben almost reached out for him. “I hate watching you tear yourself apart like this. It’s something I can’t protect you from.” Ryan scrubbed a hand across his eyes and took a deep breath, pulling himself together. “Anyway.” They stood looking at each other before Ryan finally pulled Ben into a one armed hug. “I love you, you jackass. Okay?”

“I know.” Ben hugged him back, and they stepped away from each other. “I am sorry for freaking you out.”

“Not the first time, man.” Ryan jerked his head toward where the other two stood, obviously trying to look like they weren’t watching them. “You ready?”

Ben sighed. “Yeah.” Ben followed him and saw when Rachel’s eyes went to Ryan, looking for the nod he gave her. Marcus was looking at the ground, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

Ben walked over to him and stood in front of him until he looked up. “I’m sorry.” Marcus shrugged, and Ben stepped into his space, quivering with how close they were. He lowered his voice. “I’m really sorry.” Marcus finally met his eyes and stared at him for a few seconds before nodding slowly.

“Okay.” He dropped his eyes and then caught Ben’s gaze again. “Are you still going to do it?”

“Do what?”

Marcus dropped his eyes again. “Tell your parents.”

“Yes.” Ben hadn’t been sure before, not totally, but he was now. “I need to.”

“Okay.” Marcus pressed their foreheads together for a split second, and then stepped back. “Text me if you need me, okay? About anything.” He looked over at Rachel and she nodded. “I’m going to the car. See you later, Ben. Bye, Ryan.”

Ben watched him walk away, for longer than he probably should have, fighting the wave of what he could only classify as longing that coursed through him. He turned around just in time to see Ryan and Rachel part from what had to be a goodnight kiss. Despite his own raging emotions, he smiled to himself and looked away. At least they were happy together.

A hand touched his arm, and then Rachel was pulling him into a tight hug. “You do what you need to do. We’re all here for you, okay?” She ruffled his hair and then gave Ryan one last wave before heading in the same direction as Marcus.

“Rough night?”

Ben nodded.

“Home?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”