TWENTY

I’M SO EXCITED!

Today was the first day at the new school and I think it’s going to be awesome. I can feel it.

Mom’s in a good mood. The move went well. She loves the new house and it’s closer for Bob to get to work so we can all have dinner together like a real family. I hope she stays this way.

Dr. Levine says the move will be good for me, too. New house, new school, new friends. I think he’s right. I feel lighter already. And hopeful.

I’m starting over. Reinventing myself. No one knows what I was before I came here. Everything is going to be different.

Meg caught her breath. She could have been reading her own journal. She vividly remembered being the new girl in school when her parents moved the family from New York to the Seattle suburbs before the start of seventh grade. The excitement and the apprehension. Just like this author. I’m starting over. Reinventing myself. How many times had she written almost that exact same thing? It was one of the reasons she was going to college out of state.

I met a few people, but not too many. There’s a really cute guy in my Spanish class. I can’t believe I’m even thinking about boys already! Dr. Levine says I should focus on making friends first. Just friends. But I couldn’t help it. He cracked a lot of jokes in class, and when I laughed at one, he smiled at me. Not mocking, but an actual smile. He noticed me in a good way.

Holy crap. Were she and the author living parallel lives? Meg remembered the first day she had an actual conversation with T.J., something more than just a passing “What’s up?” at a party or in the corridor at school. They’d been paired up for a project on The Grapes of Wrath and met at a coffee house after football practice to come up with a plan.

At the time, they were practically strangers. What Meg knew about T.J.: (a) he’s a player, and (b) my best friend’s in love with him. What T.J. knew about Meg: (a) she gets good grades, and (b) her best friend may or may not have a crush on me. It was a stiff and awkward meeting.

Then T.J. made a stupid joke, and Meg followed it up with one of her comebacks. T.J. had paused and looked at her. Really looked at her, maybe for the first time. Then he smiled, that perfect, dimply smile.

And Meg melted.

Not that she’d admit it to herself. Day after day, she’d write in her diary about how they were “just friends,” more to convince herself than anything. She knew she was falling for him, and she felt like a horrible friend for doing so. Minnie had been in love with T.J. for so long, and Meg was the only one whom she’d told. Even if something happened between Meg and T.J., how would she ever tell Minnie? It would be the ultimate betrayal.

And yet Meg had continued to go out of her way to see him. They spent way more time together working on the project than was necessary. But Meg couldn’t help herself. T.J. was more than just a jock—he was smart, quick-witted, playful. There was substance to him, something deeper and more real than the other guys he hung out with. Meg saw that there was more to him than just the star wide receiver—and she desperately wanted him to realize how perfect they were for each other.

Until he did.

Choir was the best part of the day. We all had to audition and the director seemed really impressed with me. I don’t think any of the other sopranos sang as well as I did, except maybe one girl. She’s really sweet, though. She helped me find a folder and had me sit next to her. It felt so good to find a friend, you know? But I’m going to feel bad when I beat her out for the solo at the next concert.

Hee. Can you believe I just wrote that? See, I’m different already! Tom said I would be. I feel like I can do anything!!!!!

Meg grinned. She couldn’t help but feel a connection to this girl, whoever she was. There was such hope, such joy in her voice. Meg could almost picture her sitting in bed, a huge smile on her face, writing these words.

There was also a pang of guilt. She really shouldn’t be reading this. Clearly, this was not a journal written twenty or a hundred years ago. It must be relatively recent. Meg felt hypocritical. If anyone found her journal—which didn’t even have the aggressive warning at the beginning—she’d be mortified if they read even a page. But here she was, barreling on. She needed to know what happened with the boy in Spanish class. It reminded her so much of how she and T.J. met.... She needed to know if this had a happy ending.

Meg turned to the next entry.

I can’t believe it’s been a week since I wrote last. Well, yes I can because it’s been completely crazy!!! I joined … wait for it … the debate team!

I know. I told you it was crazy. But Dr. Levine said it might be good for me to do group activities, kind of force me to meet more people.

I’m willing to try, you know? So I signed up for choir and then on Friday, the girl who sits next to me in history was telling everyone about how the debate team is traveling all over the area and how she knows people at like every school in the state and I thought, “That’s exactly what Dr. Levine was talking about.”

So I did it. I joined. The first meeting is after school tomorrow!

The people here are pretty nice, though there is this one blond guy in P.E. that kind of makes me nervous. He was joking with his friends on the track yesterday and I think he was pointing at me. But I’m just going to ignore it, like Tom told me. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Also, we got the audition song for the spring concert solo yesterday. It’s SO beautiful. I can almost feel the music in my bones when I sing it. My friend loves it too, and she’s also going to audition for the solo. We were talking at lunch today (see? I already have lunch buddies!!!!) and she was saying that our choir director really likes it when his soloists kind of do their own thing. Riff on the music a little. He thinks it shows their musicality. So I’m going to practice and see where the music takes me, and hopefully impress him.

The auditions are in two weeks. I know I can get this solo and then when The Boy hears me sing it, he’ll totally fall in love with me.

Meg’s heart sank. She was doing it for a boy? That just couldn’t end well.

The Boy notices me sometimes, but not as much as I’d like. I watch him in class a lot, hoping he’ll see me and smile. He’s SO gorgeous when he smiles. I couldn’t even begin to describe it. But I know if he’d just see me—actually see me …

So I want to get this choir solo.

I have to.

Meg cringed. The girl was pinning her hopes on getting that choir solo, and in Meg’s experience, whenever you wanted something that desperately—say, for the guy you’re in love with to ask you to the Homecoming dance—that’s when things go horribly, horribly wrong. It felt like she was watching a train wreck in slow motion. She wanted to turn away, but she couldn’t.

The next entry wasn’t surprising.

How could he give the solo to HER?

The list of soloists was posted on the choir room door after school today. He gave it to my friend. She sang exactly what was on the page. Word for word. It was stiff and boring and she wasn’t showing that she understood the music AT ALL. And I actually interpreted the music. Like the composer and I were working together to create something new and amazing.

And now everything’s ruined! The Boy will never notice me. What am I going to do?

Tom thinks I should go talk to the director at rehearsal tomorrow, ask him what I did wrong so maybe I can improve for the next audition, but I feel like it’s over.

I should just end it all now.