The darkness is like soot, soft, smooth, and without sides. Ben wants to sink deep within its folds. Yet when he tries the pain sweeps over him in a sickening rush.
He is under a tree. Somehow a route has been cleared to him and he has been dragged to cover. A face appears in front of the sunlight sparkling through thin broad leaves. Cpl Parton, team medic. He tries to say, ‘Dolly, what’s going on?’ But a strange sound comes out instead. Dolly is talking, reassuring him. ‘You’re okay, Boss, I’ve got tourniquets around both your legs … I’m just going to feel under your body armour for hidden wounds …’ Ben screams and sees Dolly’s eyes fly open as he finds the gaping wound in his abdomen. ‘Okay, Boss, I’m going to get a field dressing on that now. We’ll get you out of here as soon as its safe for the MERT to land …’
Ben has no idea of the passage of time. He floats. Morphine eases the pain. From a long way away, he can hear voices. ‘Come on, Boss, stay with us. Come on … Come on, Boss … Stay with us …’
He feels the helplessness of Dolly beside him. They have three soaking field dressings over his stomach and a cannula has been fed into his right arm.
‘This is the last one,’ he hears another medic say. Dolly is desperately squeezing a bag of saline into his veins. Ben feels cold, bone-cold, feels his life begin to slip away.
‘I’m going,’ he whispers.
‘Fuck off, Boss,’ Dolly snaps. ‘You aren’t going anywhere till I say so. You owe me a round …’
The radio suddenly crackles with voices and the world erupts in gunfire. ‘Here we go, Boss, we’ve suppressed that gun for a bit and it appears the MERT is being flown by another mad Cornishman from Culdrose who insists on risking his arse getting you out of here …’
He is bumped onto the folding stretcher, men at each corner … Painful, jerking movements as they run. He feels the hot breath of a chinook exhaust and its downdraught on his face as he is taken up the back ramp A glimpse of a nurse’s face. Capable, assured hands cut away his clothes, insert needles. A tube is pushed into his throat to keep his airway open. He feels the tail of the aircraft lift and the noise of juddering engines, but he doesn’t think he will make it home and the faces of the people he loves dance in front of him before blissful darkness descends … Then the whole thing begins again. The voices, the needles, the hands, the bleep of machines …
Okay, Ben. We’re on the way back to Blighty now. We are taking you home … you are doing good … so good …’
But it wasn’t good. Each time the sounds and voices became a little louder, a little nearer, the sweet, pain-free darkness began to lose its depth.
‘Ben … You are back in the UK now. Safe home. Are you in pain?’
Ben fought not to swim upwards. Fear gripped him. Something bad was waiting for him up there, something terrifying, something worse than pain.
He felt gentle fingers remove his oxygen mask and the tube from his mouth. He fought panic but found he could breathe. Someone inserted a cannula into the back of his hand, lifted the covers to inspect his abdomen. Ben opened his eyes. There was a doctor in a white coat, a nurse in a blue uniform.
They both smiled. ‘Hello, Ben. Welcome back. Do you know where you are?’
Ben shook his head. The doctor said, ‘You’re in Selly Oak Hospital, Birmingham, Ben. I’m Philip Dunstan, your consultant.’ He hesitated then asked, ‘Can you remember what happened to you?’
Ben shook his head again. ‘You were injured in Helmand. You’ve been flown back to the UK …’
Remembrance swept over Ben. Sweat broke out all over his body. He turned his face away from them. The staff nurse touched his arm. ‘Ben, we’re going to keep you heavily sedated for a while. Please let us know if you are in pain. We can fix that. Try to relax. You’re home now …’
Give me the darkness. Ben prayed. Don’t let me remember. Let me sleep forever.
Hanna, Delphi, and Ian sat in a row in the family room watching the door. The staff at Selly Oak could not have been kinder or more thoughtful. Coffee, tea, and juice appeared at regular intervals. Finn sat on the floor with Izzy playing with toys from the box in the corner of the room. Hanna’s mother, Eeva, had gone to the shops to buy the essentials she and Hanna had not had time to pack. Eeva had tried to take Izzy out of the hospital but she would not leave Hanna and Finn.
When the consultant came to tell them that Ben was conscious, Delphi let out her breath in relief. Hanna sat bolt upright. She was so white that Ian thought she might faint. The consultant, a tired-looking man called Mr Dunstan, told them it was good news. Ben was still in the trauma ward, but the operation had gone well.
Finn stood up. ‘Dad’s not going to die?’
Mr Dunstan smiled at him. ‘Your father is holding his own, thanks to the surgeons at Camp Bastion, but he has been badly injured, so we are going to have to keep a careful eye on him and keep him sedated for a while …’
He turned to Hanna. ‘Your husband doesn’t remember anything yet. He may never remember how he came to be injured, but the low point will come as he becomes aware of the extent of his injuries. It’s tough, but Ben is not going to have to go through this alone.’
‘Does he know he’s back in England and in hospital?’ Delphi asked.
‘We’ve told him. I doubt he’s taking much in at the moment. I know you are all desperate to see him, but he remains a sick man. Please be patient …’
He turned to Hanna. ‘If you would like to come with me, Mrs Charles, I’m sure he would respond to hearing your voice. Just two minutes.’
Hanna, white with fatigue and shock, stared at him looking horrified.
‘I … what about … Can Delphi, Ben’s mother, come with me?’
Mr Dunstan looked surprised. ‘I’m afraid it really must be a brief visit, for moral support, for him to know you are here.’
‘Of course. I understand,’ Delphi said, taking Hanna’s arm. As they walked to the ICU unit Delphi felt Hanna trembling. It was the first time that she had ever appeared lost or vulnerable and Delphi held onto her.
Ben was lying on his back. The skin on his face was yellow and bruised. He lay awkwardly because of the injury to his left side. There was a bridge holding the weight of the sheet from his legs. He seemed to have lost bodyweight overnight. He looked smaller and ten years older. His eyes were closed and there were deep black shadows under his eyes. He was motionless and did not seem conscious. Hanna stood frozen, incapable of speech or of moving towards him on the bed.
Delphi released her hand from Hanna’s and went to stand beside Ben.
‘Hello, my darling. It’s so good to have you home. Rest now and sleep. We are all here, just along the corridor. Hanna and Finn, Izzy and Ian. All willing you well and strong again, my darling …’
She turned to Hanna, but Hanna could not move. She was staring at Ben, imagining what lay under the bridge of sheets. She licked her dry lips but could not speak. Delphi bent and kissed Ben’s forehead. ‘God bless, my love. Hanna’s here too. We’re not allowed to stay, but we will be back when you’ve had some sleep …’
Hanna made herself move to the bed. Awkwardly, she touched Ben’s bruised face with the back of her hand. ‘Ben,’ she whispered. ‘Get better. Get better …’ Then she turned and fled.
Ben moved slightly but did not open his eyes. Delphi looked down at him. The pain of seeing him struck down seared her. She felt light, without weight. Everything in her fought against having to walk away and leave him. ‘Finn, Izzy, and Ian send their love. We will be back soon, very soon …’ She placed her fingers where a needle with a drip had been inserted into the back of his hand. For a second Ben’s fingers curled round hers then fell away.
When Delphi and Hanna left the room, Finn fought an overwhelming urge to run after them, to cry out. He wanted to see Ben so badly, it hurt. Izzy let wooden bricks fall from her hands. ‘I want to see Daddy. Why can’t we go too?’
‘Because Dad’s not really awake yet, because too many people will make him tired.’
‘We’re not too many peoples, we’re his chilren …’
Finn smiled and bent and hugged her. ‘We’ll see him as soon as he is a bit stronger, okay? Ian hasn’t seen him either …’
‘Us three will see him tomorrow?’
‘Let’s hope so, sweetie,’ Ian said. ‘Meanwhile we might have to do him some paintings, don’t you think?’
They stood, Ian and Delphi in the park beneath the bare trees while Finn pushed Izzy on a swing. The sky was sullen, hostile, the ground cold and hard from the frost. They stamped their feet and kept moving in small circles waiting for dusk, for the lights to come on, for this day to end.
The army had housed them in accommodation for forces families near the hospital in a suburban house on a leafy road. There was a family room for Hanna and the children with a double bed and two singles. Ian had found a small hotel within walking distance for Eeva, Delphi, and himself.
When it became apparent that Hanna was in no state to look after the children, Delphi suggested that Eeva take her back to the hotel to rest while she and Ian stayed with Finn and Izzy in the family accommodation.
‘I’m sorry,’ Eeva said. ‘I’ve never seen Hanna like this. She has always been very collected.’
‘Shock,’ Delphi said, quietly. ‘Ben looked … so … damaged, Eeva.’
Eeva replied impatiently, ‘Hanna might be traumatized, Delphi, but Ben and her children need her to be strong. What would have happened if you or I could not have been here, and she’d fallen to pieces in front of the children? Look at my grandson, being so brave and grown up …’
‘Don’t be hard on her, Eeva. Shock affects us all differently. Ben’s injuries are going to be life-changing. Hanna had to get straight on a plane. The poor girl has had no time to absorb the enormity of what’s happened, and she’s sleep-deprived.’
‘Well, she certainly felt guilty to be in Finland when it happened,’ Eeva said. The two women faced each other in the cold February afternoon. Neither of them said what they were really thinking: that Hanna’s abject terror was for herself, that she would not be able to face Ben’s injuries.
Ian called out to Finn, ‘It’s absolutely freezing. Let’s go and find pizza and warm up.’
‘Yes!’ Izzy yelled. ‘Stop the swing.’
‘Oh, thank you!’ Finn said to Ian. His teeth were chattering.
‘We’ll walk quickly to warm up,’ Delphi said. Her mind was still at the hospital, at Ben’s side. She wanted someone to be there when he woke. If she had been Hanna, she could not have left the hospital. She would not have left his side. Abrupt tears rose in her throat and she quickly took Izzy’s hand and swung it. The leaden sky threatened snow and Delphi sang, ‘My toes are cold, cold, cold …’
‘It’s my nose, nose, nose,’ Finn replied.
‘Nose and toes!’ Izzy cried tremulously, and Ian copied her in a deep, sonorous voice, making her laugh.
United, they walked to the pizza restaurant.
‘Tell me again, Delphi, did Ben know you and Hanna were there?’ Finn asked when Izzy had finally fallen asleep in the small bed by the window.
‘He was drowsy with morphine, darling, but I assured him we were all here.’
‘Hanna looked awful when you came back. What did she say to Ben?’ Finn asked abruptly.
‘There was only time to whisper, “get better …”’ Delphi’s voice wavered, suddenly.
‘You’re exhausted, Delphi. You need to get to bed …’ Ian called. He was making hot chocolate for them.
‘Finn,’ Delphi said gently, ‘Ben knows we are all here.’
‘I hope I can see him tomorrow, just for a moment, like you did?’
‘Darling, let’s see,’ Delphi said wearily. ‘I’m unsure whether you will be allowed to …’
She saw Finn fighting tears and she went and held him. ‘Sweetheart, I honestly don’t think Ben would want you to see him until he is a bit stronger.’
Ian interrupted firmly: ‘Let’s see how Ben is tomorrow and what the doctors say, Finn. We all need to go to bed now. Delphi, you are rocking on your feet …’
Finn turned to face them. ‘I don’t think Izzy should see Dad, she’s too young, but I’m not …’ He met Delphi’s eyes. ‘Delphi, Hanna won’t be good at … she can’t bear anyone ill. She is terrible around hospitals or injuries …’
Delphi suddenly wanted to snap, This isn’t about Hanna. But she said, ‘Let’s turn the lights out and sleep. We’ll talk in the morning. Please, try not to worry about everyone, Finn.’
In the dark Ben woke with a start. He slowly realized he was back in the UK, in hospital, but the dream or flashback had been terrifyingly real. He lay still getting his bearings. He listened to the hum of machines all around him and the footsteps and movements of the nurses constantly checking the equipment by every bed.
A staff nurse came to check his drip and saw he was awake. She smiled. ‘Hello there. Good to see you’re awake again. How are you feeling?’
His voice was strange and croaky. ‘Horrible dream.’
‘Morphine,’ she said. ‘Known for it, I’m afraid, but it does control the pain. Do you think you could manage a cup of tea?’
Ben nodded. That sounded good. The staff nurse turned and spoke to a nurse by the door and then came back to the bed. ‘Are you in pain anywhere, Ben?’
‘My side, but it’s bearable.’
Mr Dunstan appeared by the bed. ‘You’re due more medication soon. Please don’t suffer in silence. We don’t want you to be in pain and the morphine will help, but I’m afraid it can make you hallucinatory. I’m going to check your wounds now you are awake, Okay? Let me know if it hurts …’
‘In the dream I had lost my legs,’ Ben mumbled. ‘I was so relieved when I woke up and I could feel them both …’
The consultant’s fingers stopped probing. The staff nurse was suddenly still. Mr Dunstan held Ben’s eyes as he replaced the sheet over him.
‘Ben, I’m sorry. You have lost your left leg. The good news is that we have managed to save your right leg. It’s taken a complicated operation but it’s all looking good at the moment …’
Ben stared at him, horrified, feeling sick and faint. ‘I can feel my bloody legs. Both of them.’
The staff nurse said, ‘I’m sorry, Ben. It’s the nerve endings. I’m afraid this happens.’
Mr Dunstan put a hand on Ben’s arm. ‘I know it must seem like the end of the world, but I promise you, it isn’t. It really isn’t. We will be here to help you every step of the way …’ His bleeper went and he said quietly, ‘Ben, I’m sorry, another flight is coming in … I have to go …’
The staff nurse pulled a chair from behind the curtain and sat beside Ben. ‘The orthopaedic surgeon at Camp Bastion did a brilliant job. He was determined to save your right leg and he did. You got lucky. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, but you are a fit, strong guy and you are going to recover. You are going to be all right. Please believe that …’
Ben turned his face away from her and closed his eyes. The young nurse arrived back with his tea in a plastic cup with a lid and lip like Izzy used to use. ‘I wasn’t sure if you took sugar, so I’ve brought some packets from the canteen with me …’ she said.
Ben opened his eyes and found her beaming at him. ‘Thank you,’ he said politely. ‘No sugar.’
He lifted his head and sipped the tea which she held for him. It immediately made him want to retch and he pushed it away. The staff nurse began to check the drains in Ben’s side and the dressings on both leg and stump.
She looked down at Ben’s bruised face and battered body, careful to keep her feelings in check. She would never ever get used to this. Never. While she stood there, trying to find words of comfort, there was another flight of seriously injured soldiers being casaevac’d in …
She smiled at him. ‘Pain relief, Major Charles?’ Ben nodded.
‘Ben, I’m sorry. I know it’s a shock to hear and easy for me to say …’
Ben looked at her and tried to smile. ‘I wouldn’t think it was easy for you to say, Staff Nurse Haslet, however many times you have to say it … Perhaps, I already knew and chose to forget. I’m unsure. It doesn’t really matter, does it?’
‘What matters, Ben, is that you are alive and have a future.’
She moved away to get his medication and Ben lay in the dark waiting for the blessed needle that blocked out the endless repeat of the screams of the injured, but not the smell and the terror and confusion which crept slowly back with the morphine.