Heaven Sent
While walking down the street one day, a head of state is tragically hit by a car and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the lady.
‘Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What’ll we do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up in my mind. I want to be in heaven’, says the head of state.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And, with that, St Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and the politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy, who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and reopens on heaven, where St Peter is waiting for her.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So twenty-four hours pass with the head of state joining a large number of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. Before she realises it, the twenty-four hours have gone by and St Peter returns. ‘Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternal destination.’
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, ‘Well, I would never have expected it. I mean, heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the head of state. ‘Yesterday I was here and everyone was on the golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now it is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.’
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!’
The Odd Couple
An American tourist and his wife were visiting a cemetery. They were a bit surprised at one inscription they read on an old tombstone which said, ‘Here lies a politician and an honest man.’
The wife said, ‘Fancy burying those two in the same grave.’
Prayer for Good Humour
Grant me, O Lord, good digestion, and also something to digest.
Grant me a healthy body, and the necessary good humour to maintain it.
Grant me a simple soul that knows to treasure all that is good
and that doesn’t frighten easily at the sight of evil,
but rather finds the means to put things back in their place.
Give me a soul that knows not boredom, grumblings, sighs and laments, nor excess of stress, because of that obstructing thing called ‘I’.
Grant me, O Lord, a sense of good humour.
Allow me the grace to be able to take a joke to discover in life a bit of joy, and to be able to share it with others.
ST THOMAS MORE, 1478–1535
Driven
The story was that Pope Francis was so excited about his visit to Ireland for the World Meeting of Families that he decided to visit the Irish College in Rome to learn a few words in Irish. Not a man to bother with formalities, Francis told his driver that he would drive himself and he instructed his driver to take his place in the back seat.
Pope Francis was getting so absorbed thinking about his speech that he completely forgot about the speed limit. That all changed when an angry-looking policeman pulled up beside him on his motorcycle and waved him down. Pope Francis was a little surprised that instead of approaching his car the policeman spoke into his phone. The cop explained to his boss that he had pulled over a dignitary for speeding, but he did not think it would be wise to charge him.
The chief of police asked, ‘Who have you got there, a Member of Parliament?’
The traffic cop replied, ‘Bigger.’
Chief: ‘Not the President?’
The traffic cop replied, ‘Bigger.’
‘Well,’ said the chief. ‘Tell me who is it then, for God’s sake?’
Traffic cop: ‘Well, that’s just it. I think it is God.’
Chief: ‘Why do you say that?’
Traffic cop: ‘Well, he’s got Pope Francis as his chauffeur!’
Sleeping Beauties
There are two types of people: givers and takers. Takers have more, but givers sleep better.