The thing is, nobody else knows what it’s like. They think they do, but they don’t. They talk endlessly about how they feel, how their friends have made them feel, how TV makes them feel, how life makes them feel! But they never, ever, ask me how I feel!
I can tell you how I feel. Only you understand. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but I never knew how lonely I really was until you found me. Only now, now that I know ‘LOVE’ – how strange and exciting it feels to type that word and how insufficient are those four letters to try and encapsulate all that I feel, the fire that flows in veins that were cold and empty – only now do I realise how little I knew of loneliness.
Loneliness is not sitting in your bedroom crying like a child because no one else understands me. It’s not missing my dead pets or wanting to find someone, anyone, to talk to and tell them how I feel. I’ve had that all my life. I can deal with that, you know I can. Loneliness is the absence of love. I was lonely but until I found love, or until it found me, I didn’t know what its absence felt like. Now I do. In the moments when I am waiting for you I feel loneliness of a kind that I never knew existed.
You filled the void and you know – without me telling you so many times it’s scary!! – how I feel because you feel it too. You tell me I am beautiful too. Even my ‘artwork’ – did you like the pictures I sent you? Like filigree you said!! – you understand like nobody understands me.
But a loneliness I can’t bear, I know I can’t live with, stalks my sleepless nights. It’s the thought of the BITCH and whether she may harm you (and Jonathan and Katy, of course) and I would lose you. To have you fill the void and then to be left empty once again would not be to return me to how I was. It would be to KILL me, and – from what you have said – I know you feel the same way too.
I know you may not read this now because of the BITCH but please!! Reply or IM me as soon as you can!!
You have my heart and my blood.
Love,
Your everlasting Red xxx