MAN I AM HIGH AS SHIT LOL AND WRITING ABOUT DRUGS. IS THAT IRONY? I HONESTLY AM ASKING.

Anything can be a drug. Or at least I’ve been told that. I have a homegirl who said a fresh glass of orange juice gives her the same feeling as smoking weed, and while I’d love to believe her, I also know that’s a fucking lie because no one ever comes to work at 8am reeking of orange juice because they needed it to get their day started. Drugs are whatever get you thru life. It could be shopping, it could be playing with your kids (I mean, it isn’t, but theoretically it could be).

KIDDING. Drugs are drugs, you know what I’m talking about here. We’re talking the rough stuff, the stuff that you can lose custody of your kids over, that stuff that will freeze your jaw and make you spontaneously do the Michael Jackson Thriller dance.

DRUGS ARE WILD. I’VE DONE A LOT OF DIFFERENT DRUGS AND BEING HIGH IS DOPE UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES BUT BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS FUCKIN SUCKS. I’M NOT HERE TO PREACH, JUST SAYING IT SUUUUCKS. WITHDRAWAL AND ALL THAT SHIT IS THE WORST. THAT BEING SAID, IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND ARE IN YOUR 20S AND/OR HAVE NO REAL RESPONSIBILITIES, FUCKIN GET RIPPED. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. IF YOU DIE IT’LL BE DOPE CUZ YOU WENT OUT HIGH AS SHIT, UNLESS IT’S ONE OF THOSE GROSS OD’S WHERE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR OWN PUKE OR HAVE A SEIZURE. THAT’S NOT LIT AT ALL.

IF YOU WANNA GET HIGH, GET HIGH. IF YOU DON’T, DON’T. IF YOU’RE AMBIVALENT, I ALWAYS SAY TRY IT…BUT DON’T TAKE MY ADVICE, I JUST BURNED A HOLE IN MY CARPET CUZ I DROPPED MY BLUNT THAT I ONLY DROPPED BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO PICK UP A XANAX I DROPPED BEFORE THAT. HERE’S MY MAIN THING: JUST PUH-LEEEEASEEEE DON’T BE A “HOLIER THAN THOU” JERKOFF ABOUT DRUGS. IF SOMEONE PASSES YOU SOME SHIT YOU AREN’T INTO, A SIMPLE “I’M GOOD, THANKS” WILL SUFFICE. IF YOU LAUNCH INTO A SERMON, I DON’T CARE IF I’M ACROSS THE PARTY, I WILL NARUTO RUN OVER JUST TO DUMP THAT LITTLE TEA LIGHT CANDLE ON YOUR HEAD. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IS THAT DRUGS AFFECT EVERYONE DIFFERENTLY AND NOT ALL DRUGS ARE THE SAME, AND BY THAT I MEAN THE MOLLY YOU GET FROM JULIO IS PROBABLY SOME TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHIT THAN WHAT YOU GET FROM KYLE.

ALCOHOL IS A DRUG BUT IT’S THE BORING DRUG THAT THE OTHER DRUGS SECRETLY TALK ABOUT, SAYING HOW IT’S NOT A “REAL” DRUG CUZ YOU CAN EASILY GET IT ANYWHERE LEGALLY. I GUESS I’M JUST SAYING THAT ON THE OTHER DRUGS’ BEHALF. UNTIL YOU MIX ALCOHOL WITH THE “REAL” DRUGS AND FUCKIN PERISH, IT’S GONNA BE THAT WAY. I GUESS GETTING DRUNK WOULD BE COOL AND ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT IF THERE WAS STILL PROHIBITION, BUT SINCE IT’S LEGAL, PEOPLE MOSTLY OVERDO IT AND NOW IT JUST LEADS TO SLURRED DIALOGUES OUTSIDE OF BARS. DIALOGUES THAT END UP BEING MONOLOGUES BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DRUNK YOU DIDN’T REALIZE THE OTHER PERSON WALKED BACK INSIDE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOU TELLING THEM A STORY THEY’VE HEARD 50LEVEN TIMES, OR WHEN THEY FINISHED THEIR CIGARETTE. EITHER WAY YOU ARE STANDING OUT THERE KICKING YOUR SOLILOQUY WITH A SLOSHING GUT FULL OF FERMENTED WHATEVER, SMOKING A PARLIAMENT LIGHT (YOU DON’T EVEN SMOKE), NOT EVEN REALIZING HOW MUCH MORE FUN YOU WOULD BE HAVING ON SHROOMS. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE BLAH BLAH BLAH ALCOHOL IS BORING.

SHROOMS ARE FIRE BUT THEY TASTE GROSS. LIKE I MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY, EVERYBODY’S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT AND NO TWO MUSHROOMS ARE ALIKE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE ON SHROOMS. YOURS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT. I’VE DONE SHROOMS ENOUGH TO NOT HAVE A SINGULAR “SHROOM STORY” BUT JUST KNOW ONCE YOU EAT THESE THINGS (I RECOMMEND EATING WITH CHOCOLATE OR PEANUT BUTTER), YOU ARE GOING TO BE TRIPPING BALLS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF ANYBODY EATING A DECENT AMOUNT OF SHROOMS AND BEING STONE COLD SOBER AN HOUR LATER. I ONCE ATE SHROOMS AND WALKED FROM WESTCHESTER SQUARE & TREMONT AVENUE ON THE 6 LINE TO 218TH & BROADWAY. GOOGLE MAP THAT SHIT, DOG. I WAS TRIPPING MY FACE OFF AND ALSO WRITING WHAT WAS SOME OF THE MOST FIVE-DIMENSIONAL GRAFFITI EVER. MY 40 TASTED LIKE BEING RICH AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME WAS A LIVING ORGANISM. IT WAS FUCKING WILD. IF YOU’VE NEVER WATCHED A STREETLAMP REACH UP AND NIBBLE AN IMAGINARY TREE LIKE A GIRAFFE GRAZING, EAT SOME SHROOMS AND GO FOR A WALK. SHROOMS ARE HALLUCINOGENS SO I GUESS I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE OTHER ONES I’VE DONE WHILE WE’RE HERE.

ACID WILL ALSO HAVE YOU TRIPPING FOR HOURS ON END SO MAKE SURE YOU DO THAT SHIT AT THE RIGHT TIME. DON’T DROP ACID AT 3:30AM AND THINK YOUR WORKDAY THE FOLLOWING MORNING IS GONNA BE ANYWHERE NEAR NORMAL. YOU ARE GONNA THINK YOU ARE KEEPING IT TOGETHER WHILE YOUR BOSS’S FACE CYCLES THROUGH EVERY INSTAGRAM FILTER, IN REAL LIFE. YOU ARE NOT KEEPING IT TOGETHER, MY PAL. I TOOK ACID A BUNCH BUT ONE TIME I ENDED UP JUMPING OUT OF A MOVING CAR BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME THERE WEREN’T SEVERAL SNAKES ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR. IT WAS IN A PARKING LOT AND I WAS FINE AND WHEN I GOT BACK IN THE CAR THE SNAKES WERE GONE BUT THE LASER SHOW HAD JUST STARTED. EVERYTHING MOVING WAS ACCOMPANIED BY A TRAILING LASER, WHICH MADE ME REQUEST THAT MY FRIENDS DO CIRCLES IN THE AIR WITH THEIR CIGARETTES.

I SMOKED DMT A HANDFUL OF TIMES AND HOE-LEE-FUCKINSHIT. FIRST OF ALL I’M SO GLAD EVERY TIME I SMOKED THE SHIT I WAS INDOORS BECAUSE I LITERALLY HAD TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH AND LISTEN AS OLMEC FROM LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE AND HIS VIBRATING CHECKERBOARD PINK AURA TOLD ME WHAT I HAD TO DO WITH MY LIFE. THEN MY GRANDMA (RIP) WALKED OUT OF OLMEC’S MOUTH ONTO A GLIDING CARPET AND TOLD ME SHE’S PROUD OF ME AND TO NEVER CHANGE. WOW WOWOWOWOW FUCK. THAT SHIT IS MIND-BENDING. I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE DOING THAT SHIT IN PUBLIC, WHICH MEANS I’LL BE DOING IT WITHIN THE NEXT MONTH OR SO. UNLIKE SHROOMS OR ACID, DMT LITERALLY LASTED 10 MINUTES THAT, TO BE FAIR, FELT LIKE AN HOUR, AND THE AFTEREFFECTS KINDA SUCK (I FELT NAUSEOUS FOR A COUPLE HOURS), BUT YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT TRIPPING YOUR FACE OFF? FUCKIN DMT IS FOR FEARLESS BRAIN SPELUNKERS BRUH.

Molly is a weird drug because it makes your whole body tingle like you have static cling. And you want to rub up on everyone and hug people and you start to see smells and taste colors. It’s not a hard drug that makes you have thoughts like “OMG I’m gonna cut my face off so I can see what I really look like because you can’t trust mirrors because the government controls them,” but rather a soft mellow one that will make you appreciate the small things in life, like the horns on the song “Safe and Sound” by Capital Cities. Especially at the 2:48 mark of the song. And now you’re in the club crying because you just realized that Capital Cities wants to keep you both “safe” and “sound” and that’s so beautiful because that’s all you ever wanted in life for everyone and then your friend checks to see why you’re crying and you respond “your skin is so clear” and y’all make out. Hypothetically.

YEAH MOLLY IS COOL BUT IT’S ONE OF THOSE “OH THIS NIGGA IS DEFINITELY ON FUCKIN MOLLY LOL” DRUGS. THERE’S NO HIDING THE FACT YOU ARE ROLLING LIKE A BOWLING BALL DOWN A WHEELCHAIR RAMP. MOLLY IS WILD BECAUSE EVERYTHING FEELS AMAZING. EATING ICE CREAM FEELS LIKE 3 ANGELS ARE MASSAGING YOUR NUDE BODY ON A DUVET MADE OF CLOUDS, ALL THAT SENSORY BLISS FROM THE SIMPLEST SHIT. GETTING A BLOWJOB FEELS LIKE ASCENDING INTO A UFO MADE OUT OF MILK CHOCOLATE ON ONE OF THOSE TRACTOR BEAM THINGS AND IT’S SOMEHOW MASSAGING YOUR BALLS AND SCALP SIMULTANEOUSLY THE WHOLE WAY UP. THEN AFTER A COUPLE HOURS YOUR JAW LOOSENS UP AND EVERYTHING IS BACK TO STANDARD DEFINITION. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH ALL DRUGS—SOMETIMES BEING HIGH ON THEM FEELS TOO GOOD. TOO MUCH BETTER THAN REALITY. I SAID I WASN’T GONNA PREACH BUT I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU BLOWING PEOPLE FOR COKE UNLESS THAT’S WHAT YOU WANNA DO, IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS.

Cocaine is more than a drug. It’s a literal litmus test for culture. First off, almost everyone does coke. Some of you reading this are immediately like “Desus my guy, that’s a pile of horseturds,” but I’m right and you’re wrong. The reason you don’t know anyone who does coke is because you radiate Big Cop Energy and they would never do it / mention it / show it around you. But if you present yourself as a pretty chill person, eventually someone will offer you a little “nose candy.” Especially Australians. MY GOD shout-out the AUSTRALIANS.

Professional cokeheads, excuse me coke users, are the coolest because they don’t judge you as long as you don’t judge them. My good friends [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] “tooted some rails” at a Sunday afternoon NY Rangers hockey game. And while that sounds like the absolute worst idea, a good time was had by all and no one got hit with a puck. And trust and believe they weren’t the only people skiing at that hockey game.

Also there’s like a million slang terms for coke/using coke:

Riding the Metro-North (super regional)

Getting right (pretty general)

Skiing/slopes (classic)

Bobby Brown jaw (hip-hop related but even Bobby Brown would admit he was wildin in the ’90s)

Chatting with Drew Barrymore and a giraffe at Studio 54 while Chic plays (this one isn’t as popular as it was in the early ’80s but it’s due for a comeback)

Airdropping (not popular yet but will probably be commonplace when humans and robots start having children together)

One problem with coke is that it operates under the same economics as potato chips, i.e., “once you pop you can’t stop.” As someone who was once allegedly involved in, um, the, um, logistical distribution of, perhaps, a controlled substance, I’ve HEARD that coke users will call your phone 26 times in a row at 4am to ask, “You around bro?” and then cop like 300 dollars’ worth of whatever you have because “we gotta keep the party going.”

Weirdly enough I was terrified of coke growing up because in 2nd grade, my school showed us an antidrug promo where a little black kid (I’m like, oh wow, that’s me) and his friend do coke at the friend’s house after school. Now, this was total bullshit because the kids were five years old and wearing sweaters in a house in like Maine and…what? What five-year-old is doing coke? At five I could barely color within the lines, how am I supposed to chop this diva fuel into equal lines? Anyway, the black kid does coke and feels weird so he runs home and dies in his mother’s arms at the door, and then a doctor was like, “He had a heart murmur and the coke stopped his heart.” Now, that shit almost literally stopped my heart, because I had a heart murmur (a little bitch-ass one, nothing major, but stay with me). So at that moment I was all, “OMG I’m never touching that stuff” because why would they lie to a child? Fast-forward to me in some unisex club bathroom years later doing bumps with a drag queen and waiting for my heart to explode and it doesn’t and I’m immediately shaking my fist at God, because my life was lies, and because the coke had kicked in and now I was God.

COCAINE MAYNE *TERRENCE HOWARD VOICE AND EMOTION.* COKE SUCKS IN THE SAME WAY THAT ALCOHOL SUCKS. IT’S JUST CONFIDENCE POWDER WITH SUPER-CAFFEINE OR SOME SHIT. RIGHT NOW I’M TRYING TO DECIDE IF PRE-VOM ALCOHOL BURPS OR COKEDRIP NOSE SNORTS ARE WORSE. COKE IS ALSO A “OH THIS NIGGA IS SKI’D THE FUCK UP LOL” DRUG, LIKE MOLLY. PEOPLE WILL NOTICE THE TELLTALE SIGNS OF THE DRUG. YOUR UNCONTROLLABLE BOBBY BROWN JAW, YOUR NEED TO USE EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TO EXPLAIN HOW YOU WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET AND THOUGHT OF WAYS TO MAKE IT MORE EFFICIENT SO HERE’S A PITCH FOR AN APP. STOP. STOP. JUST BE HIGH BRO. COKE MAKES YOUR MIND INTO A LASER BEAM SO USE IT FOR GOOD, NOT EVIL, AND BY GOOD I MEAN MAKING A GREAT ALBUM OR PAINTING. ACTUALLY WRITE THE PILOT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT AT 4AM WHILE THE DJ PLAYED HIS OWN TERRIBLE REMIXES BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THIS IS THE AFTER-HOURS SPOT AND YOU ARE ALL COCAINE VAMPIRES. BY EVIL I MEAN TELLING ME BETWEEN COKE SNORTS AND WITH PAINSTAKING DETAIL ABOUT HOW YOU ARE GONNA REVOLUTIONIZE HOUNDSTOOTH IN STREETWEAR. I DON’T WANNA HEAR ALL THAT, DOG. IT’S 5AM, MY JAW JUST RELAXED AND I’M SMOKING A BLUNT BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO EAT SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS, FUCK, AND SLEEP TILL 3PM.

I NEVER SMOKED CRACK BUT I HAVE PUT TOO MUCH COCAINE IN BLUNTS ON OCCASION SO I GUESS THAT’S TECHNICALLY FREEBASING? IT’S NOT A TERRIBLE HIGH. IT’S LIKE BEING ON COKE JUST SLIGHTLY LESS VERBOSE AND WITH THE ABILITY TO ACHIEVE AN ERECTION EASIER RELATIVE TO BLOWING STRAIGHT YAY AND DRINKING STELLAS. SHOUT-OUT TO DATA, I THINK LIKE 68% OF THE WOOLIES I SMOKED HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM.

I’VE NEVER DONE ACTUAL HEROIN, BUT I HAVE EATEN MAD OXYS. THE FIRST TIME I ATE ONE I DIDNT KNOW THE SEVERITY OF WHAT THE FUCK I WAS TAKING, SO I ENLISTED MY FRIEND RUSS TO HELP. I CHANGED HIS NAME BECAUSE HE’S MARRIED AND HAS KIDS BUT HE’S GONNA READ THIS AND CHUCKLE AND SHUDDER AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. RUSS PICKED ME UP IN HIS BUICK AND WE HAD ENOUGH MONEY BETWEEN US FOR A DIME OF WEED. I ALLEGEDLY HAD A POUCH FULL OF OXYS BUT I WAS LIKE, “I’M NOT EATING THIS SHIT. I’M NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS BUT I’VE HEARD THIS IS BASICALLY HEROIN YOU CAN TAKE WITH A GLASS OF LEMONADE.” SO AFTER WE EXPEDITIOUSLY SMOKED OUR SKIMPY DIME, MONEY WAS TIGHT AND HIGHS NEEDED TO BE REACHED, SO WE EACH ATE ONE.

I HAD NO IDEA A 10MG OXY COULD MAKE YOU FORGET YOU HAD A KNIFE STUCK IN YOUR THIGH AND ENTER A SALSA CONTEST. BUT THESE WERE 30MG, MY PALS. RUSS’S BODY SAID “NAH BRUH” BECAUSE HE CALMLY BUT WITHOUT WARNING PULLED OVER AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES OF DRIVING AROUND SMOKING NEWPORTS AND LISTENING TO AZ AND BEGAN PUKING HIS EYEBALLS OUT HIS MOUTH. HE THEN RINSED HIS MOUTH OUT WITH WHAT I BELIEVE WAS A BLUE GATORADE, LIT A CIGARETTE, AND PUT THE CAR IN DRIVE LIKE HE DIDN’T JUST EXPEL HIS ENTIRE DIGESTIVE TRACT. BY THEN, THOUGH, IT WAS TOO LATE. DESPITE MOST OF THE OXYCODONE GETTING KICKED OUT OF CLUB GUTS, THERE WAS STILL ENOUGH IN HIS SYSTEM TO HAVE HIM NODDING OUT AT THE BAR AN HOUR LATER. ON THE OTHER HAND, I THINK MY EXPERIENCE WITH OXYCODONE GOING BACK TO GETTING CRAMBONED BY A CAR AND EATING PERCOCET LIKE M&M’S MADE MY BODY MORE RESISTANT. HATS AND DURAGS WERE ALLOWED IN MY STOMACH LOUNGE. MAN WAS I FUCKIN SLUMPED, THOUGH. I COULD BARELY LIFT A CIGARETTE TO MY LIPS. I WAS SITTING AT A NOTORIOUSLY SEEDY BAR ON TREMONT FREESTYLING OVER R&B SONGS UNTIL MY EYES DECIDED THEY HAD ENOUGH AND CALLED IT A NIGHT MID-FREESTYLE. THE REASON I’LL NEVER DO OXY AND ITS COUSINS RECREATIONALLY AGAIN IS BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THE HIGH WAS FUCKIN BONKERS AND ALMOST TOO GOOD, I KNEW I LOOKED AS HIGH AS I FELT AND THAT WAS OD EMBARRASSING. PEOPLE SAY NARCISSISM IS BAD BUT IT *SERIOUS 60 MINUTES VOICE* SAVED ME FROM THE RAVAGES OF OPIOID ADDICTION.

*WHINY VOICE* MERO, YOU ARE PRETTY CAVALIER ABOUT HOW YOU DISCUSS DRUG USE WAH WAH DON’T YOU HAVE KIDS? WHAT IF THEY READ THIS AND THEN DO DRUGS? WAH WAH.

I’M GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU FUCKIN PENIS WRINKLE. DESUS TAKE THE WHEEL, I’M TOO RIPPED TO WRITE ANY MORE AND I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE THREE EMPANADAS IN THE MICROWAVE.

Why would you throw it to someone with no kids to write about this when you have four kids? But okay. Every parent eventually has to have the drugs conversation with their child. Even more so due to Lil Pump and opioid rappers and things of that nature. Again, as someone who does not have kids (in this country), I have no experience with this and have never even thought about this moment one single time until right now, but also as someone with no children, I’m actually an expert on this if you think about it. I am unclouded by emotion.

Drugs are weird because they’re everywhere but you don’t see them unless you know what you’re looking for. For example: You might think the security guard that always smells like a pack of loud is the big drug head at your job. Meanwhile, there’s probably an assistant shooting dope in between their toes on their lunch break. Also, one’s knowledge of drugs is usually limited to how much experience you’ve had with it. So there’s people out there who smoked a j once in 1967 and then there are people like me who know how to use cold water extraction to remove opioids from acetaminophen IN THEORY.

OKAY, HE IS CLEARLY JUST STALLING, I’LL DO IT. AS A PARENT THERE ARE MAD OD TIMES WHEN YOU ARE LIKE DAMN B WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO OUTSOURCE THIS DRUG TALK WITH MY CHILD? CUZ THIS IS GONNA SUCK. I FEEL YOU MY GUY, I’M A FATHER OF FOUR. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DO SHIT YOU DON’T WANT TO FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS. “BUT MERO IF I DON’T CARE FOR MYSELF, HOW CAN I CARE FOR OTHERS?” YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA AVOID THE DRUG TALK WITH YOUR KIDS IN THE NAME OF SELF-CARE? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA JERK? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IS THAT ONE OF THOSE QUOTES THAT HAS BEEN INCORRECTLY ATTRIBUTED TO MARILYN MONROE? FAM, EVERY BOTTLE WAITRESS GOT MONROE QUOTES ON DECKY, SHE WAS A TIMELESS THOT. ALSO I KNOW THIS WILL SOUND EXTREMELY SCUMBAGGY, BUT WHAT WAS SCUMBAGGY AND SELFISH IN 2005 IS NOW “SELF-CARE” SO…IF YOU REALLY NEED SELF-CARE, GO PUT YOUR KID IN FRONT OF AN IPAD AND THROW ON A WOMBAT PLACENTA PORE-CLEANSING MASK. GIVE YOURSELF A MINI SPA DAY WHILE YOUR KID DISCOVERS P-NO ALL IN THE NAME OF MODERN SELF-PRESERVATION.

NOW YOU ALL GOOD? NOW YOU’RE READY FOR THE DRUG TALK, BECAUSE HONESTLY, THE ONE THING YOU ARE GONNA BE FORCED TO DO AT SOME POINT IS TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX, DRUGS (NOT ROCK & ROLL CUZ THAT SHIT IS CORNY, LOL @ “ROCK & ROLL”…REALLY? THAT’S THE NAME OF YOUR GENRE? IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF A FUCKIN BOWLING ALLEY FROM THE FLINTSTONES. FUCK OUTTA HERE “ROCK & ROLL.”) I STARTED WITH DRUGS BECAUSE “DADDY’S OFFICE” ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE “HOT CHRISTMAS TREES.” NEXT IS SEX BUT I GOT A LITTLE WAYS TO GO SEEING AS HOW MERO JR IS 8. REGARDLESS OF THIS FACT, I HAVE MY BATTLE PLAN READY. OH SHIT I AM STALLING TOO, I JUST REALIZED *THOUGHT LIGHT BULB.*

The sex conversation is a wild one because you used to be able to wait till your kid was 18, then just send them to a brothel (I saw this on Leave It to Beaver, I think). Now your innocent lil pookie could just be chilling watching YouTube and they’re maybe one click away from HARDCORE P-NO (again I don’t have kids so I’m going by what they say on 60 Minutes every Sunday night). It’s not like how it was back in the day. Growing up my mother told me my dick was named “Mr. PeePee” and my sisters had a “pumpum.” This was all well and great until we were all in the car and heard a Jamaican song about “ram up ya pumpum” and my poor mother attempted to turn the channel but the damage was done. Nothing was the same after that shit.

YEAH, SEX IS EASY TO TALK ABOUT CUZ YOU CAN JUST SIT DOWN WITH YOUR KID LIKE, YO FAM, BUST IT, GENDER IS A SPECTRUM NOT A BINARY, AIGHT?…UHHH NO MEANS NO, SEX IS ONLY CONSENSUAL WHEN BOTH PARTIES ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND EXPLICITLY VERBALLY AGREE TO PARTAKE AND THERE IS NO BACARDI LIMON BEING CONSUMED BY EITHER PARTY CLOUDING JUDGMENT….ALSO CONDOMS SUCK AND FUCKING WHILST ROCKING A LATEX COCK SHEATH IS LIKE WATCHING TV WITH SUNGLASSES ON. IT’S HAPPENING AND YOU CAN TELL IT’S HAPPENING BUT IF YOU WENT RAW DIZZLE YOU WOULD REALLY BE IN BUSINESS….DON’T DO THAT THO BECAUSE [INSERT REASON THAT SOUNDS VALID, I CAN’T REALLY THINK OF ONE]. NICE & TIDY TALKY TALK AND YOU ARE DONE.

OKAY, ENOUGH STALLING. THE DRUG CONVERSATION IS WAY MORE NUANCED. SEX IS ALMOST A GIVEN. LIKE EVENTUALLY YOU WILL BE DOING SEX WITH YOUR GENITALS MY PAL, THAT’S ALMOST CERTAIN. IF THAT’S NEVER HAPPENED FOR YOU, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS BOOK, BRUH? GET OUT THERE AND CHARM THE LITERAL PANTS OFF SOMEONE, FAM. YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX ASAP. IT’S REALLY GOOD, TRUST ME.

BUT DOING DRUGS IS DIFFERENT. IT’S POSSIBLE TO GO YOUR WHOLE LIFE SOBER. YOU HAVE TO TEACH YOUR KIDS THAT IN GENERAL DRUGS ARE “BAD” BUT ALSO HINT AT THE FACT THAT WEED IS SUPER FUCKING LIT SO THEY CAN START SMOKING GANJ IN THEIR TEENS AND YOU CAN HAVE THE ILL WILD CYPH AND FREESTYLE. GETTING SMACKED AND FREESTYLING WITH MY KIDS IS SOMETHING I’M SUPER LOOKING FORWARD TO, NOT REALLY BECAUSE OF THE BONDING OR ANYTHING BUT JUST TO BE LIKE “NIGGA YOU CAME OUT MY DICK LITERALLY” OVER A BEAT. HOW DO YOU COME BACK FROM “YOU EMERGED FROM MY URETHRA” PHRASED AS A DISS? IT’S OVER. I COULD BE LIKE A RAP DAD LAVAR BALL / LUCIOUS LYON FROM EMPIRE HYBRID PUSHING MY KIDS TO THE BRINK OF EXHAUSTION IN THE STUDIO SPITTING HOT FIRE. LET ME STOP I’M TINGLING. NEVA LOST!

First I’d basically do the opposite of the speech my father gave me and my sisters about drugs. I was in third grade and it was after school. We were latchkey kids, so we’d come home, make snacks, and wait for my mother to come home and switch off warden duty to my father, who worked at night. I think we were doing homework and watching cartoons and suddenly BOOM—my father kinda kicks in the door to the room holding something very small in his hand. It was a plastic container of some sort. I thought my little sister left one of her Barbie toys in the living room, which is apparently the worst thing a West Indian child can do.

My father yells at all of us, “THIS IS CRACK! If I catch any of you using this, I’ll break your ass!” We’re low-key terrified and he looks at us all in the eyes and turns around and exits. That’s it. That was our drug conversation. To this day I have no idea where my father got crack from. Did he find it or did he purchase it for this random-ass display that created more questions than answers? For quite some time after that I thought crack was the colorful top of the vial, not the actual contents. Also what happened to that vial after that fake-ass Nancy Reagan display? My sisters and I figure our father, being the frugal legend that he is, definitely sold it to someone, just to get a return on the investment. So I guess I would want to do a better job than that.

IF THIS WAS AN ACTUAL VIAL THAT WAS ACTUALLY FILLED WITH ACTUAL CRACK THEN YES, I HAVE FURTHER QUESTIONS. PURCHASING CRACK ISN’T LIKE PICKING UP THROW PILLOWS AT TARGET. IF IT WAS AN EMPTY VIAL HE FOUND AND JUST WANTED TO DEMONSTRATE WHAT PACKAGED CRACK LOOKS LIKE, THEN THIS IS PRETTY SOLID DADDEGY (DAD STRATEGY, FUUUCK I AM INCREDIBLE AT THIS!)…I MEAN, HE DISPLAYED THE CRACK VESSEL AND THAT IS REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO SEE TO RECOGNIZE CRILLZ FOREVER. EITHER WAY, WHETHER HE COPPED IT FOR REAL JUST TO PROVE A POINT OR WENT SCOURING THE GUTTERS LOOKING FOR EMPTY VIALS, EXCELLENT JOB, DESUS’S DAD. YOU COVERED EVERY BASE OF BEING A WEST INDIAN PARENT. ALSO MY FATHER THREATENING TO “BREAK MY ASS” WOULD HAVE GOTTEN 8-YEAR-OLD MERO TO STRAIGHTEN UP REAL FUCKIN FAST.

It’s a razor’s edge talking about drugs. You don’t want to make drugs seem too cool or appealing and at the same time you don’t want to make them so scary that your kids are drawn to them. We’ve all been teens and nothing is cooler than something your parents told you not to do.

I think the most important part of whatever drug discussion you have is being honest. Growing up I remember a DARE video that said if you smoked crack once, you’d be addicted for life. Who lies to kids? Once I found out you could casually smoke the krills (crack), I was upset. Nancy Reagan had lied to me. Mr. T lied to me. Why would I continue to “Just Say No”?

To have any sort of real drug conversation, you first have to sit down and watch Intervention. I mean the real episodes where the girl has sex in the street for like $5 worth of meth, not that stupid-ass “I’m addicted to video games” bullshit. Sometimes you have to let your kids see the dark uncool side of drugs.

IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET INTO IT, I FEEL LIKE THE DRUG TALK IS ACTUALLY A COUPLE OF SEPARATE TALKS. YOUR TALKS HAVE TO BE AGE-APPROPRIATE. YOU AREN’T GOING TO TALK TO YOUR TODDLER ABOUT HPV OR WHATEVER, AND YOU AREN’T GONNA TALK TO YOUR 5-YEAR-OLD ABOUT BLOWING COKE IN BATHROOMS. MY STRATEGY IS THIS: HAVE AN EARLY TALK WHERE YOU TELL YOUR KIDS WHAT A CRACKHEAD LOOKS LIKE AND TO BE CAREFUL AND NOT TAKE THEIR TIMBS OFF AT ORCHARD BEACH CUZ THEY MIGHT PUNCTURE THEIR FOOT WITH A SYRINGE FULL OF STRAIGHT COOKIE DOUGH HEROIN.

THEN A COUPLE YEARS LATER THE ACTUAL “YOU MIGHT FUCK AROUND WITH DRUGS” TALK. NOW I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I WOULD LET MY KID SMOKE WEED IN THE YARD WITH HIS FRIENDS OR SOME SHIT. WAIT, SHOULD I NOT HAVE SAID THAT? THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION *SWEATING.*

I shared a room with my sister until she hit puberty and then I had to move to the basement because as my West Indian father said, “Your sister, she have breasts now,” and then opened the door to the basement like, get in. The basement was terrifying because our neighborhood had mad burglaries from fiends and every other house put iron bars on their basement windows except mine because, um, do you have security money? Anyway, I used to keep a mini-machete under my pillow with tape on the handle in case someone broke in. And anytime there was any noise I’d think “Okay, it’s go time” but it would always be a cat or something.

I tell that story as a cautionary tale of the wild tales I’m going to tell my kids to keep them off drugs. I’ll also tell them that recreational Adderall will make your heart explode. I know that doesn’t square with the “who lies to kids” thing I said above, but that’s the secret beauty of advice…you don’t have to take it, not even your own.

As for weed, I honestly think my parents have never smoked. They grew up wild Christian in Jamaica so it’s very on brand for them. I actually didn’t smoke till I was 30 (had caught a case and was stressed). Had I started smoking earlier, who knows if my life would be what it is now. I guess that’s a choice your child has to make and all you can do is give them the tools to make the right decision.

WEED IS HARMLESS AND MY PARENTS KINDA DID ME A DISSERVICE BY ACTING LIKE WEED WAS UNCUT COCAINE DUG OUT FROM UNDER PABLO ESCOBAR’S FORESKIN. I WAS FORCED TO SMOKE WEED IN THE STREET OR IN HALLWAYS AND RISK ARREST BY STATEN ISLAND COPS WHO ARE PISSED OFF THEY HAVE TO WORK IN THE BRONX, INSTEAD OF JUST SMOKING IN MY CRIB DRINKING APPLE JUICE OUT OF THE BOTTLE AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I’M GOING TO INFORM MY KIDS THAT WEED IS HARMLESS BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN MODERATION (LOL) OR YOU WILL BECOME SUPER LAZY AND FAT OR SOMETHING (CHILL, THAT’S FAT SHAMING. I APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FELLOW FAT PEOPLE). YOU CAN’T JUST TELL YOUR KIDS THERE’S NO CONS TO A DRUG CUZ THEN THEY’LL GO OVERBOARD. ALTHOUGH NOW WEED TECHNOLOGY IS SO FUCKIN ADVANCED THAT BY THE TIME MERO JR IS IN JUNIOR HIGH THERE’LL BE SHIT LIKE WEED THAT MAKES YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK BETTER. THAT FUCKIN SPECIFIC. LOOK AT HOW SPECIFIC THE SHIT IS NOW! YOU CAN COP AN OUNCE OF SOME SHIT WITH A GOOFY NAME THAT WILL CURE NAUSEA AND ANXIETY IN LIKE 4 PUFFS. SO WE’RE GONNA WAIT AND SEE WHAT THE MARKET LOOKS LIKE IN 2030. THE OTHER STUFF I’LL BE LIKE: CHILL, MY GUY. RECREATIONAL XANAX ARE LIT BUT THEY ARE POINTLESS CUZ YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE FUN YOU HAD ON THEM. THE REST OF THE SHIT YOU CAN ACTUALLY OD ON AND THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH THAT WOULD FUCKIN SUCK.

I don’t think I’ll ever smoke with my kids but who knows? Maybe if it’s legal. All I know is I’m not paying for my own smoke, dear Lil Desus or Desusia or other. I brought you into this world, the least you can do is hook your old man up. Also please don’t have baby lungs and bring disrespect to our family name.

WHEN WILL I STOP SMOKING WEED, YOU ASK? PLEASE TELL ME SOMEONE ASKED THAT AND IT WASN’T A TINY VOICE IN MY SUBCONSCIOUS BEGGING ME TO STOP. CMON, MY GUY, YOU KNOW MY ANSWER IS NEVUARY 200NEVER. WEED IS GREAT. NAME ONE EVERYDAY REGULAR LIFE THING THAT IS NOT ENHANCED BY WEED. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FUN I HAVE AT THE MALL HIGHER THAN A BRONTOSAURUS FINGERING ITS BUTT ON MARS? IF I HAVE SUNGLASSES ON, I’M EXTRA GOOD. I’LL GO TO THE DENTIST SMACKED AND TALK ABOUT THE GIANTS’ CHANCES THIS YEAR BUT LIKE REALLY BE INTO IT, NOT JUST SMALL TALK. I’M TALKING OFFENSIVE FORMATIONS WITH FUCKIN DR. GOLDBERG WHILE THE SPIT SUCKY THING IS IN MY MOUTH AND MY LIPS ARE SO DRY IF I SAY “COWBOYS” THEY’LL CRACK. WHO ARE THE OLDEST PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT SMOKE WEED REGULARLY? CHEECH AND CHONG GOTTA BE AT LEAST 60 AND THEY STILL OUT HERE CHILLIN SMOKIN GAS. WILLIE NELSON OLD AS SHIT. THAT NIGGA PROLLY PURCHASED WEED FROM NATIVE AMERICANS. HE’S CHILLIN. I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S RICH WITHOUT HAVIN TO GOOGLE *GOOGLES ANYWAY* GODDAMN THAT OLD SUMMABITCH IS WORTH 25 MIL!! HOLY SHIT. WOW.

I HAVE 0 MOTIVATION TO STOP SMOKING WEED. I HAVE A WHOLE AREA OF MY CRIB DEDICATED TO SMOKING WEED B. I DIDN’T CREATE THIS AESTHETIC FOR NOTHING. DON’T WORRY THERE ARE NO LAVA LAMPS OR ANYTHING. IT’S VERY UNDERSTATED. BUT NOT SO UNDERSTATED THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THE HOTEL FROM THE SHINING…WHICH KANYE’S CRIB KINDA LOOKS LIKE. ITS OD REPETITIVE, IDK MAYBE I’M JUST SMACKED. ALSO I HAVEN’T SEEN THE SHINING IN DUUUUMB LONG. JACK NICHOLSON IS REALLY THE SPIKE LEE OF THE LAKERS LOL. COULD YOU PICK ANYBODY BETTER? JACK NICHOLSON IS LIKE IF DOWNTOWN LA SMOKED MENTHOLS AND WAS A PERSON.

Being old and still smoking is such a flex. You’re past the age where you give a shit and you’re just still living so you’re like fuck it, let me enjoy the time I have left. RIP my uncle Shem who was the coolest person I’ve ever known. He was always my favorite uncle to have around. He was funny as shit and was constantly cracking extremely inappropriate/nasty Jamaican jokes that made my mother blush. I mention him because he had a photo of Bob Marley and Willie Nelson in the bar he built in his basement (!) and he said they were “his idols.” As a child that didn’t mean much, but looking back with adult eyes, my uncle was the ultimate stoner. In every photo of him holding me, his eyes are super low and red and he has that smile like “damn man I’m smacked.” I remember his house always having a familiar scent to it and now I know what that smell was. My uncle was a true Jamaican with five jobs, so I know the weed didn’t stop him, and I’ll definitely be smoking until I’m ninety. My nephew will write this same paragraph about me one day. Please nephew, know that I was smoking on that good good.

YOU KNOW HOW ILL WEED IS? YOU CAN’T OD ON WEED. I MEAN YOU COULD BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO MAINLINE A CRAZY AMOUNT OR SOME SHIT. IDK EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT BUT I HAVE A SMACKED CEILING WHEN IT COMES TO WEED. WE SHOT A SHOW IN VENICE AND GOT WEED LIBRARY CARDS AND I WAS DEAD-ASS LIKE, I’M GOING TO GO HAMMER AT THE DISPENSARY, AND THAT I DID. I GOT WAX, I GOT EDIBLES, I GOT PREROLLED BACKWOODS DIPPED IN WAX AND KEEF, SHIT YOU ONLY SEE IN FUCKIN MEMES THAT ARE LIKE “WHAT ARE YOU DOIN AFTER SMOKIN THIS.” I ATE LIKE 4 BROWNIES THAT HAD FUCKIN SKULL AND CROSSBONES AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE ME GO 1-15 FROM 3POINT RANGE AND FALL ASLEEP ON A (ACCORDING TO DESUS AND OUR MANAGER, VICTOR) TERRIFYING HELICOPTER FLIGHT TO COACHELLA. ALSO I HAD TWO WEED LEMONADES WHICH, YES, THAT IS A REAL THING.

That trip to Venice proved Mero and I are animals because we took enough edibles to put down a rhinoceros and we kept it moving and filming. Also we need at least 250mgs for a baseline minimum bc New York City reggie will keep your lungs humble. Anyway we got to go to the dispensary and cop whatever we wanted. Usually you go to a weed store and they have all these bogus products like THC Balm for your dick or weed candy you put in your butt. But the place we went to had OFFICIAL product (went out of business shortly afterward) and we got a little bit of everything. There was a muffin that said “not for one person, consume over the course of a week.” MERO DA GAWD eats this muffin in about 20 minutes and washes it down with 16 oz. of THC LEMONADE. And with all due respect, Mero is good money! He’s still talking, spray-painting, putting up respectable free throw numbers for a Knicks fan. Now he’s not exactly speaking words at this point but words were created by the white man, so we don’t always need them. Fast-forward to our helicopter ride to Coachella and at a certain point another helicopter is coming directly at us, causing our pilot to swerve and come dangerously low to a mountain. Realizing this would be my last moment in life but also not wanting to be the first to scream (due to toxic masculinity), I turned and looked to see what Mero was doing. I assumed he was probably calling his wife, telling her he loved her and that she was a good wife and he’ll be waiting for her at the pearly gates. Or maybe recording a final voice note for his kids to have so they’ll always remember their father who would no longer be there.

NOPE.

Mero was knocked TF out. Like 10 sheets to the wind with a little drool coming out the corner of his mouth like a cartoon character. He didn’t even feel a thing. When we finally landed I told him we almost died. He looked at me, kinda muttered “word,” then shoplifted a Snapple. (THIS IS A LITERAL SNAPPLE FACT.)

*TIGER WOODS SLOW FIST PUMP*

WEED IS ALSO LIT BECAUSE YOU CAN USE IT MEDICINALLY AS WELL AS FOR CONVINCING YOURSELF YOU NEED A STRAWBERRY HULLER FOR THE CRIB FROM SUR LA TABLE. IF YOU ARE BODEGAHIVE YOU KNOW THE STORY OF A YOUNG CORNROWED MERO FRESH INTO HIS 20S WHO GOT HIT BY A FORD BRONCO WHILE CROSSING THE STREET. IF YOU AREN’T FAMILIAR, WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS BOOM, I’M WALKING TO THE MANHATTAN EXPRESS BUS STOP, RIGHT? CUZ MY GIRL WORKS DOWNTOWN AND SOHO WAS RIFE WITH STORES TO STEAL SHIT FROM, SO I’M HEADED DOWN TO MEET HER AFTER WORK. NOW MIND YOU THESE BUSSES STOP HERE TWICE AN HOUR IF YOU’RE LUCKY. I SEE THE BUS COMING AND PICK UP THE PACE TO BEAT IT TO THE STOP CUZ THESE MUTHAFUCKAS WILL NOT STOP AT ALL IF THERE ISN’T A HUMAN FLAGGING THEM DOWN. I GO FROM JOG TO FULL SPRINT, GLANCE UP AT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT FOR THE STREET I’M ABOUT TO DART ACROSS. THERE’S A FORD BRONCO THAT WAS, IN MY ESTIMATION, AT LEAST HALF A BLOCK AWAY. HE’S GONNA SLOW DOWN AND I’M RUNNING LIKE A FUCKIN GAZELLE, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF.

THREE STEPS INTO THE STREET I REALIZE OJ WASN’T SLOWING DOWN HE WAS TRYING TO BEAT THE LIGHT. CLUNFF!! SCRRRRAPE!! I GET CREAMED BY OJ WHO ISN’T ACTUALLY OJ BUT A MIDDLE-AGE PUERTO RICAN MAN. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I A) DIDN’T DIE AND B) IMMEDIATELY POPPED ONTO MY FEET AND POINTED IN THE DIRECTION OF MY MOM’S APARTMENT. SHE COMES OUT AND IS HYSTERICAL. AMBULANCE IS CALLED, I END UP IN THE ER AT JACOBI, BOOKENDED BY TWO DUDES WHO WERE BLEEDING PROFUSELY. I WENT HOME WITH A SCRIPT AND NEVER ATTENDED TO MY HEALTH AGAIN.

WEED WAS A GREAT PAIN RELIEVER AND EVEN THOUGH THE PERCS WERE LIT, TOO, THE FEELING OF GETTING YOUR KIDNEYS EATEN BY STARVING DEMON HYENAS WHEN YOU OFF THEM SHITS IS DECIDEDLY *NOT* LIT IN THE SLIGHTEST. YEARS LATER, ME AND WEED ARE STILL WILD COOL. WE LINK UP EVERY DAY AND LAUGH ABOUT SHIT ON THE INTERNET, EAT THE FUCK OUTTA CHICK-FIL-A, AND SPEND 27 MINUTES READING THE BACK OF A $9 COPY OF TEKKEN AT GAMESTOP, WHILE MY KIDS PICK UP ALL MANNER OF COLLECTORS’ TOYS TO SMASH INTO EACH OTHER WHILE PLAYING IMAGINARY INFINITY WAR WITH $100 FIGURINES THAT I THEN HAVE TO PURCHASE ALREADY BROKEN. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT NBA 2K IS BUT I’M STILL READING THE BACK OF THAT SHIT BECAUSE WEED IS FUCKIN LIT. SOME PEOPLE TELL ME WEED GIVES THEM ANXIETY, AND AS SOMEONE WHO SUFFERS FROM ANXIETY I CAN COSIGN THERE’S SOME WEED THAT MAKES ME THINK THE FBI IS GONNA BUST THRU MY DOOR AND ARREST ME FOR MY ROLLING TRAY, THEN WATERBOARD ME AND INEXPLICABLY ASK ME MAD QUESTIONS TRYING TO CONNECT PIO AND RUSSIA.

Weed paranoia is kinda like that color guide that Homeland Security made after 9/11 to scare the hell out of us, because it (the paranoia) comes in different levels. Sometimes your weed paranoia is simple jumpiness, like someone taps your shoulder and you scream because you didn’t see them there (narrator’s voice: they were there the whole time). Sometimes your weed paranoia is just a little bit more intense and you sit there thinking, “What if one of my great-grandkids is a villain and destroys the earth using self-replicating robots who create gray goo (machines who consume all the biomass on earth, triggering an extinction-level event) and the only solution is to send back a killer to stop the bloodline and you hear a knock on the door and yell out, “OMG A TIME TRAVELER IS TRYING TO KILL ME,” but of course it’s actually the Seamless guy.

I DEFINITELY FEEL LIKE I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD SOBER THAN SMOKE PARANOIA WEED. THE GOOD THING IS NOW YOU KNOW WHAT PARANOIA WEED IS BECAUSE THERE ARE ACTUALLY NAMES FOR THE SHIT. IN THE OLDEN DAYS (2010), YOU GOT WHAT YOU GOT AND IF YOU CAUGHT SOME PDUB (MY ILL NEW WAY TO SAY PARANOIA WEED CUZ TYPING IT OUT MAD TIMES IS TEDIOUS), YOUR PARANOIA WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THE WEED WAS LACED (IT WAS), BUT ASIDE FROM THE OTHER ADDITIONAL BLUNTGREDIENTS, THE WEED WAS STILL PARANOIA WEED. SO DUST OR NOT, YOU WERE GONNA THINK THOSE CLOUDS WERE REALLY GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE.

SPEAKIN OF GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE, CAN I SIDEBAR REAL QUICK? Y’ALL NIGGAS BE BELIEVING MADDDD SHIT. MINNESOTA HAD A DUDE WHO BECAME GOVERNOR WHOSE FORMER JOB WAS GETTING DDT’D ONTO A STEEL CHAIR. THEN HE SAYS SOME WILD SHIT AND MAD NIGGAS BELIEVE IT. I’M NOT SAYING THE SHIT IS IMPOSSIBLE, I’M SAYING WITH MINIMAL PROOF TO THE POINT YOU CAN CONVINCE A LOT OF AMERICA THE EARTH IS FLAT, HILLARY CLINTON WAS HAVING CHILD ORGY PIZZA PARTIES *SHUDDERS,* AND OBAMA IS ACTUALLY A RANDOM AFRICAN DUDE WHO DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT AND WON TWICE…BECAUSE OF MUSLIMS(?). WEEKLY WORLD NEWS “BATBOY GETS ENGAGED TO TAYLOR SWIFT! SHE’S PREGNANT!”-LEVEL SHIT. AND ALL YOU NEED IS A MICROSOFT OFFICE SLIDESHOW, A NARRATOR WITH GRAVITAS, AND YOUTUBE.COM.

Speaking of wild conspiracy theories, did you know that all animals in zoos belong there because they’re political prisoners and we humans worked out a treaty to keep them in exchange the other wild animals don’t take over? Heard this in my barbershop so I know it’s true.

*SPONGEBOB MEME VOICE* “BUT MERO WEED MAKES YOU MAD, LAZY, AND UNPRODUCTIVE. ALSO YOU LOSE THE ABILITY TO DRIVE AND RUN OVER A CHILD ON A BIKE.” MUTHAFUCKAS REALLY RAN A COMMERCIAL WHERE SOME NIGGAS IN A CAR WERE AT A DRIVE-THRU, GOT THEIR FOOD, AND HOMIE DRIVING WAS SMACKED AND DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS A 10-YEAR-OLD ON A NEON BIKE RIDING BY SLOWER THAN A BAD NOVEL. I’VE DONE SOME OF MY BEST DRIVING SMACKED. I’M NOT ADVOCATING FOR THE REST OF Y’ALL TO DO THAT, THOUGH, CUZ

A) EVERYBODY TOLERANCE FOR SHIT VARIES.

B) THAT SHIT IS WILD ILLEGAL.

ALSO YOU MIGHT SAY YOU DID IT CUZ I TOLD YOU OR SOME SHIT. I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE SO I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU TO DRIVE THAT RENTAL LAMBORGHINI WITH THE TOP DOWN SMOKIN A BLUNT LISTENING TO DEMBOW, BUT I’M ALSO NOT GONNA TELL YOU NOT TO. ALLEGEDLY. I SEEN MY MAN MIKE DRIVE A STICK SHIFT NISSAN MAXIMA TO CROSSTOWN DINER FLAWLESSLY, BASICALLY WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. I WAS IN AWE.

Weed in and of itself doesn’t make you lazy and unproductive. It’s more like a stoner voice in your head that suggests things like “hey man, go back to bed, that laundry can wait” or “listen fam, you can nap in the wheelchair stall at work. Stay up till 3am playing Call of Duty.” Now, if you listen to that voice, it’s on you. But that voice is loud as shit (oh shit, that’s why they call weed LOUD).

THERE’S A FALSE CLAIM THAT WEED IS A “GATEWAY DRUG” AND IF YOU SMOKE WEED YOU EVENTUALLY END UP LIKE DUDE ON THE HBO SPECIAL WITH VERY FEW TEETH GETTIN PAID TO GET TOPPY FROM SOMEONE’S GRANDPA. I KNOW THAT TO NOT BE TRUE BECAUSE STUDIES SHOW THAT…UHHHHH YOU NIGGAS THOUGHT I ACTUALLY RESEARCHED THE SHIT AND DIDN’T JUST SMASH MY KEYBOARD SMACKED IN MY WEED CHAMBER. LOL. BUT YEAH NAH THERE’S DEAD-ASS BEEN MAD FACTS THAT HAVE DISPROVEN THIS GATEWAY DRUG THEORY SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO STOP SMOKIN WEED UNLESS IT’S FOR A JOB OR SOME SHIT. BONG…OH SHIT I WONDER IF BEN THE EDITOR WILL PUT A CHART HERE OF THE PEOPLE WHO GO FROM WEED TO HARD DRUGS WITHIN A YEAR. G’HEAD MY PAL, MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE PROCESS. I APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTIN YOU ON THE SPOT.

MOTHERFUCKIN BEN DAAWWWGGGG!!! COMING THROUGH LIKE PRE-MAGA MARIANO IN THE CLUTCH!

I’ve never met a person who made the jump from weed to wild OD hard drugs and I feel like if that’s what happens to you, you were probably on that road already if we’re keeping it funky. Weed is mad chill, you can pull out a blunt at a concert and people might give you some dirty looks but 9 out of 10 times someone’s gonna ask you if they can smoke or maybe “get a puff.” Try that with some heroin. If I’m at a Future concert and I see you tying off your arm, I’m calling security. There are children here!

LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU GOTTA RESPECT THE DEAD’S WISHES. A MUSICAL ICON AND GENERATIONAL TALENT, NATE DOGG, OUR BELOVED HOOK MASTER WITH A VOICE SMOOTHER THAN ANGEL CHOCH COGNAC WHO WE LOST SEVERAL YEARS AGO, SAID UNTO THEE:

HEY EYYYY EYY EYY-Y…………..SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY!!

SO I’MA DO JUST THAT. REST IN PEACE, NATE. I HONOR YOUR MEMORY WITH THIS 5G BACKWOOD *PRAYER HANDS EMOJI.*