I go upstairs to the third floor to get my books out of my locker.
I think about what I said to Derek. Am I really with him now?
The whole thing is confusing.
I throw my backpack over my shoulder and head downstairs to the front of the school. I need some time to think, and there’s less chance of running into anyone if I go out the front.
“Wait up!” Grace calls.
Less chance. But still a chance.
“What are you doing in front?” I say.
“Avoiding Derek. What are you doing?”
“Avoiding everyone.”
“Can I walk with you?”
“I need to think.”
“You can’t think and walk at the same time?”
She smiles at me.
“Come on,” I say.
And we walk out together.
It’s past eight and traffic is light. We walk for a couple blocks in silence.
“I smell smoke,” Grace says, tapping my head.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“I cried and blew snot on your shoulder,” Grace says. “I think I owe you one.”
“Were you really Derek’s girlfriend?” I say.
“What kind of question is that? You saw me crying over him.”
“Girls cry for a lot of reasons.”
“I don’t believe this,” Grace says. “What did he tell you?”
“How do you know he told me anything?”
“Because I know him. He’s like the devil. Only with better cologne.”
“He said it was never serious between you.”
“I hate guys,” she says. “I swear to God.”
We cross the street together. Grace picks at a zit on the side of her nose.
“Take it easy,” I say. “You’ll make it bleed.”
She stops walking.
“Do you believe him?” she says.
I look at the place under her chin where she showed me the mark. It’s faded, but it’s still there.
“No,” I say.
“Good.”
“But things are really confusing right now,” I say. “I’m getting pulled in a lot of directions.”
I think about my last year of junior high when Josh gave me a tour of the high school. He didn’t want to, but Dad kind of forced him. We walked through the halls and Josh introduced me to everyone, and after they passed by, he gave me their status—who was in, who wasn’t, people you had to avoid, and the ones you should get closer to. He said it like it was obvious, but I couldn’t see any of that by looking at them.
When I asked Dad about it later, he said Josh was obsessed with stuff like that, and I should do my best to ignore it.
“If you get into that mindset, it never ends,” Dad said. “Even when you’re an adult. I can measure myself against every painter in the world, living and dead, and what does it get me?”
I wanted to believe Dad was right, but I couldn’t deny that Josh had some secret knowledge that I didn’t have. I just wasn’t sure if you needed knowledge like that to be successful in high school.
Right now it feels like you do.
Am I a techie?
Derek’s flunky?
A rebel?
If I talked to Josh, maybe I wouldn’t be so confused. We could sort it out together.
“Are you still with me?” Grace says.
“I’m here,” I say. “Just thinking about things.”
“I have to stop at Enzo’s and pick up a pizza for my mom,” Grace says. “How about if I distract you with some Italian food?”
“Will that solve all my problems?”
“You’ve got two choices: a slice or Ritalin.”
“I’ll take a slice. We’ll leave the Ritalin for Ignacio.”