steven
“Class is dismissed,” I said, unbinding Sierra as quickly as I could. “Everyone, out. Now.”
The students quickly dispersed into Radiant, and I grabbed Sierra’s wrists before she could drop completely to the ground. Her body had seemed to give out. Or maybe I had pushed her far past her limits. Had she said her safeword quietly at first and I just hadn’t heard it?
Sierra pulled herself away from me and hugged her body.
I ignored the pinch of pain from her sudden actions and crouched down in front of her. “Sierra, what hurts?”
No response.
“What do you need?”
A sob.
“Can I get you anything, love? Please talk to me.”
When she still didn’t respond, I grabbed a blanket from the closet and draped it across her shoulders, placing her on the couch on the side of the room. Once she curled up into a ball with some pillows, I went to grab a water bottle from the cupboard, only to realize that Michelle hadn’t stocked it.
“Sierra, I’m going to grab you some water,” I said, crouching next to her. “Okay?”
No response.
After jogging out into the hallway, I found Michelle walking back to her office. “Michelle!”
She glanced over her shoulder with a big smile that immediately dropped. “What happened?”
“I need water. Something.” I tried to catch my breath. “Anything. Please.”
“What happened?” she repeated.
“Sierra said her safeword. The scene ended. She’s freaking out, and I don’t know why. She won’t say anything to me. I need to get her some water and maybe a spare change of comfortable clothes to take her home in.”
“Is she still in the classroom?” Michelle asked.
“Yes.”
“You go get water at the bar. Let me talk to her and try to calm her down,” Michelle said, heading toward the classroom. “Then, I’ll get her changed and to your car. Okay?” She offered me a small smile. “It’s going to be okay.”
While I didn’t like leaving Sierra alone with anyone, I trusted Michelle to dress her and make sure that she was comfortable. Sierra had pulled away from me so suddenly, almost as if she were scared. And she wouldn’t calm down with me around if she feared me.
Heaviness weighed on my chest as I grabbed water from the bar. Does she fear me?
“Steven,” Michelle said, hand on my shoulder before I headed to the car where she had brought Sierra after tending to her, “are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I snapped, needing to bring Sierra home, where she felt safe.
Before I could run out of Radiant, Michelle grabbed my wrist and yanked me back. With a furrowed brow, she looked over at me and frowned. “If you need someone to talk to about this, I’ll always answer the phone for you, okay?”
After taking a deep breath, I dropped my gaze and nodded. “Thanks.”
Guilt rushed through my system. I shouldn’t have pushed Sierra.
I slipped out of Michelle’s hold and headed for the running car, where Sierra waited, curled up against the window with a bouncer from the club watching her. I nodded to him and slid into the driver’s seat, immediately heading for home.
My hand tightened around the steering wheel. I should’ve stopped before she even said her safeword. I ripped off a piece of skin from my cheek, anxiously tapped my fingers against the wheel, and glanced over at her sobbing body in my passenger seat. I wanted to comfort her, but back at Radiant, she hadn’t wanted me to touch her.
And, God, it fucking hurt.
She still sobbed quietly to herself when we made it back to my high-rise.
“I’m going to lose him. I’m going to lose him. I’m going to lose him,” she choked out between her sobs, holding and making herself small in the corner of the elevator, strands of hair falling into her face. “I’m going to lose him.”
“Who are you going to lose?” I whispered, feet from her.
I wanted to approach her, but she was completely turned away from me, as if she didn’t want to speak to me at all. She glanced over at me through teary eyes, her chin quivering. And then she burst out into more tears, her body shaking uncontrollably.
Deciding that I couldn’t stand here and do nothing, I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around her body, no matter how much she stood there, completely closed off to me. Her arms were crossed in front of her body to put space between us, but her head was on my shoulder.
Why hadn’t she said her safeword sooner? I had made sure that she was comfortable with it many times over. I had asked her if she was okay in the middle of the scene, and yet … she had refused to say it until it was too late.
“I’m giving you a bath,” I whispered when the elevator dinged.
The doors opened on the top floor. I picked Sierra up and brought her into my high-rise. As the lights turned on automatically, I placed her down on the cushioned vanity chair and began the warm water, hoping it’d calm her down.
This had never happened to me before, and I loathed myself for it. I should’ve known her limits even better than I’d thought I did and should’ve stopped when I sensed something was wrong. I shouldn’t have kept going, and because I had, we were in this position. Guilt rushed through me. This was my fault.
Once the tub filled up three-fourths of the way, I peeled off Sierra’s clothes and gently placed her down into the bath. Instead of resting her head back against it and relaxing, she drew her knees to her chest and held them close, staring emptily at the soapy water.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
No response.
“Sierra,” I said, moving my fingers toward her to push hair off her face.
She flinched away from me and reached behind her neck with her two hands. “Here,” she said, pulling off her diamond necklace and handing it to me, as if she wanted nothing to do with it anymore.
Sorrow and regret seeped into my bones. Sierra’s breaking up with me?
“What are you doing?” I whispered in pain.
“You already don’t want me because I’m not a good enough submissive for you,” she said, her voice cracking at the end, leading to another hoarse sob. “You’re going to get rid of me the moment the semester is over. So, take it.”
My eyes filled with tears. “What are you talking about?”
Did I not make her feel good or wanted in every class? I swallowed and pressed my trembling lips together. Did I lead her to believe I would leave her for someone else? Did I stare at another girl in the club too long? Do something I shouldn’t have?
“I’m sorry that I can’t please you the way you need,” she said between sniffles. “You deserve to be with someone who can, Steven. So, please stop acting like you like me. It’s confusing me, and … and I …”
“Sierra,” I whispered on my knees, leaning over the tub and taking her face in my hands. The water sloshed over the edge of the bath, wetting my pants. “What are you talking about? I love you. So much. What makes you think that you don’t please me or that I don’t want you?”
She stared at me through glossy eyes and wiped some tears with her knuckles. “You …” She hiccuped. “You what?”
Did those words really leave my mouth? Did I admit that I loved her?
She was a crying, sobbing mess and had just safeworded in front of me. How could I put something this huge on her right now? Would she even believe me? Was it wrong to tell her how deeply I felt about her?
No, she needed reassurance.
“I …” I paused. “I love you.”
She scanned my face for a moment, and then she finally shook her head. “You’re lying.”
Her accusations fucking butchered me.
“I’m not lying to you,” I whispered, lips quivering from her claims that weren’t true. “I’m terrible at showing my feelings sometimes, Sierra. But I’m not lying to you. I wanted to give you a contract to be my submissive on Christmas morning, but I was too scared.”
“Scared of what?” she asked, brow furrowed. “Of me?”
“Of losing you,” I said, voice barely audible. “I can’t lose you. I can’t. I can’t do it.”
Another pause.
“You were really going to give me a contract?” she whispered. “You’re not lying?”
God, I should’ve just done it on Christmas. I should’ve woken her up and given her the present. It would’ve prevented all of this from happening, would’ve prevented these tears and Sierra’s terrible thoughts.
“Wait here,” I said, hurrying to my home office and grabbing the matte-black box.
Once I returned to the bathroom, I sat down on the wet floor in front of her and handed her the box. “I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you sooner.”
She stared at it for a couple of moments, then uncapped the box and looked down at the agreement. More tears filled her eyes, and she suddenly handed me back the box. “If you don’t want to give it to me, then you don’t have to, Steven. I don’t want to pressure you into it.”
“You’re not pressuring me into doing anything, love,” I whispered, gently stroking her wet hair. “I promise you that I had been planning on giving you the contract tonight over dinner too. I wanted it to be special since I’d completely fucked it up on Christmas.”
Again, her eyes filled with tears. “I ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” I whispered, not wanting her to feel even worse.
She wasn’t in a good place right now, and putting something like this on her would make it even more terrible.
“How about we finish your bath and we can review the contract together over dinner? We can stay in and …” I offered her a smile. “Maybe you can teach me how to cook one of your family’s recipes. Does that sound good?”
After looking back and forth between me and the contract, she eventually stared into my eyes and nodded softly. “Okay,” she said, voice barely above a whisper. “That sounds good. As long as I’m not pressuring you into something that you don’t want—”
“You’re not,” I reassured her, peeling off my shirt. “You got room in there?”
She wiped away the last of her tears with the backs of her hands and smiled softly at me. “I’m sure I can make some room.”