I attended basic training in 2000 and went through Advanced Individual Training (AIT) from November 29, 2000, until March 1, 2001. During AIT, after the Supreme Court ended the Florida recount in Bush v. Gore, a male E7 teacher, during his introduction of the class for that day, stated that he was glad that Bush was going to be president because now we won’t have all these fags in the army.
I did not report the incident because I felt it would single me out and cause repercussions. I felt as though I would easily fit the stereotype of a lesbian physically and I was in a specialty that was heavily male. I heard the word “fag” used on a daily basis by other soldiers while in uniform. In basic training I helped a straight soldier report to our drill sergeant another female recruit constantly calling her a “dyke” due mostly to what I suspect was her short hair. The woman had a boyfriend at home so I felt helping her to report the name-calling was safe for her and necessary because the label “dyke” can cause someone to be kicked out of the military. I believe the drill sergeant told the offending woman to “cut it out.” The incident later in AIT did not hold the same level of safety, as I was vulnerable both as a lesbian myself and as a lower rank of the E7.
For myself harassment meant verbal harassment. When I removed my battle dress uniform top in hot environments I would often hear a comment about my body such as “where you been hiding them puppies” in reference to my breasts. Since I generally liked the soldier who said it I said nothing to him, not wanting to ruin our working relationship.
Male soldiers also tried to do my job for me. I was the smallest soldier and would have male soldiers politely take a wrench from me and do the job I was preparing to do. While they did so as a gesture of being nice, it gave the impression that women are weak and unable to do their jobs. Many times I had to argue politely to let me do my job and if they wanted to help me out I would be sure to ask for it in the case something proved beyond my capacity. On the flip side of that, being smaller allowed me to access to certain areas larger males could not. I felt capable as a mechanic even if my physical strength did not always match the larger males, something I made up for in devising ways to use my brain instead of strength alone.
There was at one time a clock in the shop with a photo of a topless woman. Instead of reporting it as a workplace violation I just took care of the problem myself by applying a healthy coating of Never-Seez grease as a bikini top.
We were expected to clean up in the bathrooms of the shop. In the women’s room there was not proper soap for cleaning automotive dirt from one’s hands. I had to knock on the men’s room and use their soap and washbasin. It took nearly three years to get usable soap. At the time I was the only female mechanic but there was a few other women who also used that bathroom, such as supply and armorers. The women’s room itself was not a safe haven for women, though, as men often used that bathroom when they wanted to take a shit, as it were. When a male was in my bathroom I had to go all the way to the front of our armory or just wait outside and give the male dirty looks on his way out.
In my unit all briefings relating to sexism were treated as a joke and never attended by all members of the unit as most people found ways to avoid briefings in general or have a friend sign them in even if they were not present. Briefings on sexual orientation—“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”—were treated as through the briefer was embarrassed to give them. In both cases the briefing was not given in a serious manner.
Being a member of the National Guard and lesbian on 9/11 is what initially led me to begin to question my involvement in the military and the military’s involvement in the world. If on 9/11 I did not have the freedom to hug my girlfriend goodbye before we left as a unit for New York City then what freedom was I protecting? What freedom could we offer to the world if we treat it so restrictively based on who a person falls in love with?
I had one friend in the Guard in another company of my unit (Geoff Millard) who knew of my sexuality so we always hung out. This caused the rumor that I was a dominatrix and that Geoff and I were sleeping together. I let that exist due to the safety net of heterosexuality it offered. In the military men and women are nearly never allowed to be just friends, they are almost always assumed to be “fucking.” In reality in my experience most people breaking military regulations in regards to sexual regulations are straight. I saw multiple instances of adultery between fellow soldiers who had husbands and wives at home.
Before I joined the military I was out in high school and was often known as the gay girl in a very positive way, despite being in the South. After I left the military in 2005 I continued to censor myself in regards to me being a lesbian and only recently have begun to speak out publicly about it. While I never hid my sexuality after leaving the military, I rarely went out of my way in new situations to mention it. It has been very liberating to begin to break that lasting effect of my military career. I also have felt poorly about my response to being in a position to help learn with and educate men and women about the power and effects of sexism. It wasn’t until after I left the military I fully learned about this myself and have vowed to not make the same mistakes in IVAW or life in general.