Dad parks in the bus circle and walks me into school. He escorts me to my locker and then to class. He seems cold and distant. Which is fair enough, I guess, because that’s how I seem to act around him SJD. Plus there’s the Superintendent Effect, which comes into play whenever he steps into a school building. He’s the Darth Vader. He’s the Admiral Adama of the battlestar. It’s all forced smiles and/or averted gazes.

Trigonometry has already started. Dad nods at Mr. Haas and Mr. Haas nods back, gesturing for me to take my seat.

Dad squeezes my shoulder and tells me, “Come straight home after school.” I feel his eyes on me—his, along with everyone else’s—as I walk to my desk. I sit. Dad leaves. Good thing I don’t care about being cool anymore, because this would have been complete social ruination.

Mr. Haas drones on and on. “You’ll remember from geometry that a locus is a collection of points that share a property. Sarah Jones, are you listening?”

Focus. Locus.

Locus. The word gets me thinking. The frazzled social worker talked about something called a locus of control. She said it meant that when the world seems completely bonkers and totally overwhelming, you should concentrate on what you can actually do about it. That is your locus of control: the stuff that is within your power to change. She said to stop for a moment. Breathe. List everything that’s going on, and then go through the list and analyze what you can and can’t control.

So I turn to a fresh page in my notebook.

WHAT UP, BEE-YOTCHES!

THIS IS MUH LOCUS O’ CONTROL.

1. Jamie. My best friend died and I miss the hell out of her and there is nothing I can do to control that, so moving on.

2. Parental units. They are pissed, and they are kind of justified. What would I do if I had myself for a kid? But what are they going to do? What are they going to yank away from me? Driving? Stenn? Ruby? Damn. What can I control about that?

(A) Not let my grades keep plummeting. That would make them happy. I used to get mostly A’s, for crying out loud. It can’t be that hard to get back up to snuff. So—

(i) Do some homework once in a while.

(ii) Study.

(iii) See about maybe extra credit.

(B) Stop ditching classes. Actually…dunno if I can do that. Sometimes I just have to get the hell out of Dodge. So—

(i) Be smarter about when I ditch.

(ii) Chose classes whose teachers won’t rat.

(iii) Avoid blithely walking by Dr. Folger when leaving.

(C) Try to be a little nicer. At least throw the parentals a bone now and then.

3. Getting my license. Driving = freedom from being under Jeremy’s thumb. Freedom to go where I want, and visit Stenn. Must. Get. License. (Sadly this is mostly in Parentals’ Locus of Control. Therefore refer to point 2, sections A and B.)

4. Ruby. Best dog in the universe. Light of my life. Cannot risk losing her. Again in parentals’ hands. So, appease parents. (Refer again to point 2, sections A and B.)

5. Stenn. Fire of my loins.

(A) Would my parents seriously forbid me from seeing him, taking away pretty much the last human interaction and kindness from my life right now? Good idea, guys! (OK, once again, back to point 2, sections A and B. Tread carefully.)

(B) How long is Stenn going to deal with me being moody and sarcastic? How long would I deal with myself? Good question. Family is obligated to put up with you, but boyfriends have a choice. So. What can I do about it?

(i) Have sex with him? For most guys that would work. But Stenn’s not most guys. He actually cares about me.

(ii) Maybe try to talk to him more?

(iii) Be less hostile and sarcastic. But the snark box seems to have a mind of its own. So—

6. Snark Box. Work on it. Rip it out. How?

(A) At least I’m not in denial about it! Hey! Step one, complete.

(B) Recognition = the next step. I do seem to be noticing it more often, even though it’s been installed for six months +. Therefore—

(C) When noticed, try to say something non-snarktastic instead. Or in addition, as the case may be.

(D) Failing that, just shut up.

7. Jeremy. —> “Everyone thinks you’re peculiar.”

(A) Out of my control = what everyone thinks

(B) In my control = not acting like a snarktastic (see point 6) weirdo bereaved peculiar kid. (Also it would be a refreshing change to not be hated by my own brother.) Make an effort to go back to normal. Sure, easy! Which probably means—

8. Effort to go back to normal. It’s like the social worker said: “Fake it ’til you make it.”

(A) Stop hanging out in the main office before school and during lunch and free periods. Question: BJD, what would I have thought of someone who made the office their HQ? Answer: fingers in the shape of an L on the forehead. Capital L, Loser.

(B) Stop using long-distance boyfriend as excuse to be antisocial. Go out again.

(i) Baby steps. Set goals. Goal: start by going out to at least one party/shindig/movie/game/whatever a week.

(ii) With Stenn is okay when he’s home. Figure out another plan for weekends he stays at Mercer.

(C) Reconnect (did I really just write that word? Reconnect?) with some actual friends. Ones who are alive. Breaking apart into more do-able chunks—

(i) Maybe some of my old Star Wars-centric nerdy guy friends who do not require lots of talking or effort? See if Banks, Mike, and/or TJ have third period free. Hang with them instead of in the office. This will not advance any Ninja agenda, but at least they are

(a) easy to be around and

(b) alive.

(ii) Emmett? Or is that too weird? He wants to know how J died. This might need a whole new section.

(iii) Quasi-close girlfriends who were supportive for a month and then moved on from my sorry butt. Gah! Girls feel too complicated. Plus the betrayal factor—them of me SJD, me of Jamie’s memory. WWJT (What Would Jamie Think)?

(iv) Make new friends? Table this thought. Too overwhelming for now. All of this is

(v) Easier said than done.

9. Emmett. Back to Point 8, Section C ii.

(A) Worth repeating—he wants to know how Jamie died.

(i) In my control = telling him.

(ii) Out of my control = freaking out about the memories of it, and all the feelings I’d have when telling him. Can you say Panic Attack?!

(B) Also out of my control = he will hate me when/if I tell him, because he’ll think

(i) It’s my fault, and

(ii) I left his sister to die alone.

Bah! My head is swimming. Table decision/action re: Emmett until later date. Possibly forever.

Hmm. What else.

10. The deer. Holy crap. Is “speeding souls on their way” my otherworldly spiritual job? To tell Emmett the details of the accident? Is that the unfinished business that needs to happen for Jamie to be at peace? Whoa. I so can’t deal with that anytime soon. Again with the moving on. Table this also indefinitely.

11. Living in Coincidence City. Hello, Captain Possum! Hello, two freaky deaths in one gym! Take me down to Coincidence City where the grass is green and…oh hell. Next.

12. Adults around here (I’m talking to you, Dr. Folger) telling on me, being condescending and sneaky. Out. Of. My. Control.

Now, to go back and count up the within-my-locus-of-control stuff. Great. Out of all those points and sections, looks like…a tiny fraction of the list is things that I can actually do something about. And honestly, most of the changes feel impossible anyway. Case in point: if I knew how to shut off my snark box, I would have done it at the cemetery, when it would have mattered.