Since they went to the park Austin kept asking himself if he was really going to say that? Was he going to tell Miller that if only he was gay, he would be into him, he would fall for him so fucking hard, he wouldn't let anything stop him from being with him?
Why would he want to say a thing like that, and why would he think it? But it wasn't the first time. He had all sorts of stirrings inside him because of Miller, all kinds of strange thoughts and even dreams.
Sometimes it was like his body was dying to know what Miller would feel like in his arms, what his skin would feel like under his touch, if it might blow his mind to kiss him, and even if blowing him might be something he would like.
It was weird to have thoughts like that, but it didn't worry him or scare him. Maybe because it was Miller and he was just the best guy. It didn't seem wrong to want to be close with someone like him.
That didn't explain why Austin wanted to lick him and taste him and all that other stuff.
Today Casey was meeting him on his lunch break. They grabbed some pizza slices from a place not too far from his work. After they talked about where things stood with custody, she brought up Miller and coming over for dinner at the house.
"I was worried you were being weird about Miller being gay, but you two were real chummy," she said.
With all his confusion about Miller still rattling around in his head, Austin wanted to deny what she was saying, but that would be weird for sure. "We get along, and he likes Remi. You should see how Miller is with him. He's a riot."
"Miller said you were laughing at him."
"You don't think I hurt his feelings, do you?" That was the last thing Austin wanted to do.
"I don't think so," she said.
"It's just that he's been through some bad stuff," Austin said thinking about how upset Miller got saying he couldn't be in a relationship. And he was hiding his pain most of the time so Austin didn't even know how bad off he was.
"Did he tell you about what happened to his mother?" Casey asked.
"Only that she died from a fall, but I could tell it was no accident."
Casey didn't say anything just looked sad. "I'm sure he'll tell you what he can when he's ready."
Austin nodded. He didn't want to push him, but he didn't want Miller to suffer alone. What could he do for him though?
Getting home late at the end of the day, Austin saw a convertible parked in front and caught himself worrying that it might be a guy, a guy who was there for Miller.
So what if it was a guy? Miller deserved to find someone. That's what Austin told himself, but if that's how he felt, then why was Austin clenching his jaw so tight and hating the guy with the convertible so damn much?
He hadn't even laid eyes on him. He needed to cool it.
Austin went in and heard voices right away. Miller was in the living room with a guest, but it was no guy.
Austin could hear a girl's voice then he saw her. The girl talking to Miller was dressed like someone straight out of one of those fashion magazines Diana studied so she could look like money. This girl had the look Diana was trying for, but she looked like she was born to it.
Austin heard the girl saying, "Ooh, what a darling little baby, Miller. Why is there a darling little baby here?"
That's when Austin saw that Miller was getting Remi out of his rocker.
"This is Remi, my roommate's baby. I'm babysitting him."
Miller had to take over babysitting because Austin needed to finish up a job and that made him late and Harriet couldn't stay.
Miller's guest was surprised. "You? Really? And what if his diaper needs to be changed?" She eyed Remi like his diaper was a ticking time bomb.
"I change it," Miller told her and her eyes went wide.
"You do not! My God, Miller," she said then she noticed Austin hanging back in the doorway. "Is this the daddy?"
"Yes, Daddy's here. Say hi, say hi," Miller said to Remi as he brought him over to Austin then he did introductions. "This is my roommate, Austin, and this is my second cousin, Belle."
"Ugh, honey," she complained. "Second cousin?"
Miller tried again. "Favorite cousin?"
That got him a smile. "Much better."
Miller then heard his phone and got it out of his pocket. "I have to deal with this. Be nice to Austin," he said to his cousin and hurried off to his office.
Left alone with Miller's cousin, Austin didn't know what to say to her. So he asked her, "Are you staying for dinner?"
"Oh, no. Miller invited me but I have a date. Unlike Miller." She made a face then stepped closer to Austin. "I'm sure you noticed that Miller is kind of a homebody. Maybe you could help him get out more. Arrange for a babysitter and take him to Club Mercury."
"Aah. I... I'll see what I can do," Austin said.
"And make sure he wears something good and tight." While Belle grinned, Austin pictured how Miller might look in tight clothes. That would be something to see.
For Austin the baby monitor just wasn't enough. Every night he'd get up to check on Remi even when he didn't make a peep. It wasn't exactly a hardship to go and look at his peaceful, sleeping face and to remind himself that this sweet boy was his son.
Tonight was no different. Austin had been up checking on Remi, but on the way back to his own room, he heard something. A terrible sound, a cry of pain low and muffled like someone was trying not to be heard. Miller?
The keening sound was coming from the end of the hall where his room was. Austin headed that way and knocked lightly on his door. He didn't want to startle or scare Miller.
He didn't get an answer so he knocked harder and called Miller's name. Even then he only heard the frightened sounds stop, but no answer. Now he was pretty sure Miller was awake.
"Hey, Miller. It's me. Are you OK?"
At first there was nothing. Austin waited and heard footsteps just before the door opened only a crack. Austin couldn't see much of him, but Miller's face was pale and his eyes looked haunted.
"I'm sorry," Miller said. "I didn't mean to disturb you."
"Don't worry about that," Austin told him.
But Miller did worry. "I didn't wake the baby, did I?"
"No. He's fine. I just checked on him. How are you?" Austin asked.
Miller started telling him, "I'm OK. Sorry. I didn't mean to..." But as he was apologizing again, Austin noticed Miller's hand gripping the edge of the door, his knuckles white.
Without even thinking, Austin put his hand over Miller's. Miller let out a small sound of surprise, but he didn't move his hand away.
"Do you want me to sit with you for a while?" Austin offered.
Right away Miller started to shake his head, but when he opened his mouth he only managed a low sob. Drawing his hand out from under Austin's, he covered his face with both hands.
Now that Miller wasn't holding the door, it started swinging open so Austin stepped inside. "It's OK," he told Miller. "You don't have to be alone. I'm here."
He touched Miller's arm gently and felt him shaking. He felt cold too, so Austin shut the door and led him back to his bed and made him sit down.
The room was lit by one bedside lamp that wasn't very bright. On the bed, the sheets and pillows were every which way. Austin straightened them a little as he encouraged Miller to lie down and get under the covers.
"You felt cold," Austin told him as he sat next to him on the bed and made sure Miller was covered up.
Austin didn't know if he should be there – in Miller's bedroom, sitting on his bed – but be couldn't leave until he made sure Miller was OK. And right now he still looked so shaky, his eyes wide like he was afraid to close them.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Austin asked.
Miller only nodded. Turned on his side toward Austin, he was clenching his fists around handfuls of sheets.
Seeing him like that, Austin thought he might need to talk it out. "What was it about?" he asked.
Miller breathed raggedly then he whispered. "Mom falling. Not saving her."
There was just enough room on this side of the bed for Austin to sit, so he moved up on the bed to be next to Miller. When Miller didn't say he minded, Austin let himself settle against the headboard.
"I know there's more to how your mom died than what you told me. You don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want to. But if you need to, I'm here."
Miller closed his eyes and then a few hushed words came out that Austin barely heard. "She didn't deserve that." He took a deep breath and continued a little bit louder. "My mom was a kind and gentle person. Maybe too kind. She fell in love with a man who was worthless and violent, but she thought her love would change him, make him a better man. But once they got married, he only got worse, more abusive. Until she kicked him out. One day he came back, surprised Mom when she was coming back from work and made her let him inside our apartment."
Now Miller stopped, swallowing like the rest would choke him if he tried to say it.
"It was his doing," Austin guessed so Miller wouldn't need to tell him.
Miller nodded, his whole body curling in. Seeing it, Austin knew he was in terrible pain. Reaching out, he put an arm around Miller, felt him shaking.
"I didn't want you to see me when I'm like this," Miller said, his lips trembling.
Austin kept his arm around him and told him, "Don't worry about that, just as long as you're OK. That's all I care about."
"I can't be like this," Miller said. "I need to try therapy again. I know that. I don't want to disturb you or scare Remi."
Austin didn't want him putting so much pressure on himself for their sake. "Don't worry about that. Do what you think is right for you."
"When I was younger, the first therapist I saw after my mother died was really nice. She was understanding and I felt I could really talk to her," Miller said in a shaky voice. "Or that's how it seemed. Then I came out to her and she treated the fact that I was gay as a symptom. Another thing I needed treatment for. I was too young to know I should stop going to her. Since then I had trouble trusting therapists even though I know other therapists wouldn't be like her. I just... I have to try again."
"It might be good for you, but don't push yourself." Austin slid down so he was closer to him. Now he could put both arms around Miller. "You just have to get through tonight. I'll stay up with you, try and hold off the bad dreams."
Austin pulled him in closer until Miller was curled against him, his face nuzzling his chest. For a while Miller was quiet, his shaking going away, his body growing warmer.
"You don't have to stay with me," he whispered.
Austin shook his head, not willing to move more than that, not willing to let go of Miller. "I'm not leaving you," he said then he thought maybe Miller didn't want him there. "But if you want me to go..."
Miller didn't say anything so Austin looked down. His face lit by the lamp, Miller looked like he couldn't make up his mind.
"I'll just stay for a little bit," Austin told him.
Then out of nowhere it was morning and Miller wasn't there. Austin rubbed his eyes. Looking around, he was seeing Miller's bedroom for the first time in good light. Old fashioned furniture, light blue curtains and white sheets on the bed – Miller's bed, where he spent the whole night.
Austin jumped out of bed and rushed to check on Remi. But before he reached the baby's room, he saw Miller bouncing Remi down the hallway, telling him, "Daddy will be up soon. Yes, he will."
"I'm up," Austin said and Miller turned with Remi in his arms.
"I changed him," Miller bragged. "All by myself."
Austin smiled. "I should sleep late more." But he was thinking how he fell asleep in Miller's bed, holding him, and how good and right that felt.