Sam shared with the group his insecurities after the divorce. He admitted, “I feel like I’m an insecure teenager again, not knowing who I am or where I need to go. I hope this stage passes.”
It does.
This is a painful time, but it is also a powerful one. It is a time of rawness that can make you moldable and teachable in a new and mysterious way. To make this dynamic time count, you have to be open to your new world and your new normal.
It’s a big world out there. Realizing you live in a very small part of it, how will you broaden your circles to expand and open your life to new possibilities? How will you expose yourself and your mind to all the world has to offer you and all you have to offer your world?
Let’s start exploring, defining, and designing!
The words you speak to yourself and to others are powerful and have great influence.
What words have you been using to describe your past?
What positive words and statements are you speaking when you talk about your life plans and your future?
Which words empower you in a positive way?
You may be amazed at the connections you can make when you start speaking about your goals and intentions for the future instead of discussing your past. Talk about where you are going, not where you have been. You may find many people who want to help and support you. Talk about your goals, dreams, and life mission out loud.
Stressful times can make you more vulnerable to illness. During such seasons it may be tempting to neglect yourself or use artificial means of relief that do not help you to promote a new life. How are you taking care of yourself right now? Are you doing anything in excess? One way to be compassionate toward yourself is to take care of your body.
Describe your current level of self-care in:
Nutrition:
Rest:
Stress Reduction:
Substance Avoidance:
Which area do you feel strongest in right now?
Which area do you want to improve?
In what way could you start now? Make one plan for this week and post it where you can see it every day of the week.
Your personal network is important because it will influence, lead, and expose you either to good things and positive decisions or negative things and wrong decisions. This is a great time to review your network, the people you allow into your life, and this is the best time to grow and expand your world!
Who is in your personal network? List the five people who are closest to you. (Quality matters more than quantity.)
Are they healthy people in their lifestyles, beliefs, and actions? Are they (or would they be) a positive influcence on your children?
Who or what do you spend time with to get advice, attitudes, and influence? (For example, TV, radio, Internet, social media, etc.)
What groups are you affiliated with and what cultures do you belong to? What influence do they have on you?
Would you be brave enough to venture out into the world to build a new network? Perhaps you’ve been intrigued by a few groups and have considered joining. What groups would these be?
Some groups you’d love to check out include:
Which of these are free and which have a cost? Would the cost be a good investment?
What is the commitment of time and money you will want or need to give?
What activities do you do alone and what do you do with others? Are you satisfied with the differential?
What fears do you have as you consider trying something new?
Fredrick Buechner wrote, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”3 Where do you recognize this convergence in your life?
Why is reviewing and growing your network important now? Because you are forming and designing your new life, and you are seeking positive change and influence to build that life. The journey is meant to be one of joy.
The Scriptures tell us, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22 HCSB). As you design your new life, how can you give yourself permission to laugh more and not take life seriously all the time? Give yourself a minute to consider how you will make room for joy.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
—Matthew 11:29–30
Nurturing your social life is important. Here you will create a new life and new relationships. Put yourself out there to begin developing bonds with people. Take on some leadership roles that allow you to grow. Don’t wait to be asked; you can be the one to make the plans and ask. Invite people into your life. Initiate coffee with a friend, or host a dinner party. It doesn’t have to be extravagant; it just has to be warm and inviting.
When you do put yourself out there with people, disappointing times will happen. (In fact, plan on it, so you won’t be so surprised when it occurs.) But the lessons will go with you as you venture on and away from people who are not healthy for you or don’t build you up.
What kind of new activity would you enjoy? Will you put it on your calendar this week?
Do you prefer spectating events, group discussion, one-on-one meetings, in-depth conversation, or something else?
Conversation is an art and, like other arts, many people do it but few of us do it really well. The art of conversation requires deeper discussion than “How is the weather?” or “How are you?” It requires honoring the other person, creating a safe place for people to be authentic and vulnerable if they choose to be, and sincere interest in other people’s lives. It means being able to “volley” back attention to the person you are speaking with when they serve gracious comments and inquiries to you.
I’m convinced good conversation skills allow you to minister to people in very spiritual ways and should never be underestimated. As Dr. Henry Cloud said, “God created all of us to be change agents for each other. We have a responsibility to influence the people in our lives to be the best possible people they can be.”4
Sometimes we say more when we say nothing at all. People are attracted to those who will listen to them. It makes your conversations unforgettable to other people. For the most meaningful discussions:
Think about a conversation you had last week . . .
With whom did you talk? Where?
How frequently did you say “I”?
How well did you listen for the pulse of their heart and spirit (how they are really doing)?
Did you discuss important issues or the ordinary and mundane?
Were you listening for periods of time, or did you do all the talking?
How did you honor, give attention to, or allow the other person to share his or her heart?
What kind of questions did you ask?
This project allows you to talk about yourself beyond your roles (such as your profession, parent, or child) and to help you reconnect with who you are and talk about your strengths, goals, and dreams. It is also an exercise in deliberate listening skills.
If you are in a group, find a partner and give a five-minute talk about yourself. If you are doing this program alone, ask a friend to listen to you and explain the exercise.
The listener only asks questions for clarification and deeper detail. Each person gets an opportunity to speak and then to listen and ask questions for five minutes.
What to talk about:
What not to talk about:
After five minutes of just listening, the listener asks questions for clarification and deeper detail.
Both participants should practice reflective listening (restating what the speaker has said). Paraphrase the speaker’s words back to them by starting with, “What I hear you saying is . . .” or “Do I hear you saying . . . ?” Use the person’s name a couple of times. Keep direct eye contact where comfortable.
After the exercise, jot down a few notes about what you experienced or learned.
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.
—1 Peter 4:10 NLT
God has a plan for you, and the sooner you search it out and cooperate with this glorious plan, the sooner you will be at peace and find fulfillment. His plan exceeds your highest dreams. His plan will strengthen you and contribute to others’ lives.