Week 5

Creating Boundaries and Taking Risks

If any two things in your life will change you and catapult you in the direction you want to go, it is the two areas you will work on this week—setting boundaries and taking risks. They may sound opposite, but they are two vital parts of life you can control. Both boundaries and risks guard and monitor what comes in and goes out of your heart, life, and influence.

I see divorced people harming themselves by not setting healthy boundaries with their ex-spouse, children, family, friends, and others. People take advantage of them or require their time and they end up emotionally and financially broken and hopeless.

It will take the Holy Spirit’s wisdom and counsel to find hope and to see the need to set boundaries and the wisdom to take calculated risks. First, let’s define boundaries and risk taking.

Guard your heart. Setting boundaries and taking risks give us control of our lives and create new opportunities. They guard, direct, and help us know when to open up and when to be cautious. We are to diligently guard what comes in and what goes out of our lives: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Prov. 4:23).

Personal Boundaries That Promote Self-Care

Having personal boundaries is one way we take care of ourselves. In case you have not practiced healthy boundaries in your past, give yourself permission to guard your heart and set boundaries to take care of yourself. You can say no. It may be difficult for you, but it may be the freedom your soul longs for. Allow others to deal with their own responsibilities and issues and to face the consequences of their own actions (including your children when age appropriate). You don’t have to save the world. Jesus did that. Carry the burdens of those who need your help, but let those who need to carry their own weight, carry it. Many things can distract us, take us off course, waste our time, and distract us from our purpose. By setting boundaries we manage this—boundaries regarding what people ask or demand of us and to what extent we allow people to influence us.

Consider the boundaries you have or have not established as you answer the following questions:

Who do you allow into the personal areas of your life (finances, emotions, dreams)?

Whose presence and access do you limit in your life because they are not healthy?

Are there people you should separate from your life or give limited access to you? Are they unsafe for you? (Unsafe means more than just physically dangerous; they can be unsafe emotionally, spiritually, and professionally. It includes behavior that influences you negatively.)

What do you do to take care of your body? What unhealthy things do you limit?

What financial boundaries do you give yourself?

How do you take care of your soul? What do you guard against? What uplifts you?

Search the book of Proverbs and find a Bible verse you can claim to guide you to have healthy boundaries. Write it here.

Boundaries with People

Joe is one of the most gregarious people I know. Everyone loves him. Joe builds trust; he helps me carry boxes into the church and pays attention to those who lead and those in need. But Joe is not safe. He earns people’s trust and then asks them for money, rides, and the chance to stay a night at their place. God wants us to love the “Joes” of the world, but Joe can work—he has skills; he just prefers not to use them. He would rather be everyone’s friend and allow others to meet his needs. As much as I’d like to help Joe, he must accept his own responsibility and handle his own life. I have to say, “No, Joe, I won’t give you money or a ride across town. But I can help you look for a job.”

We must love people. Some people, however, we must love from a distance. And some must be loved with strong boundaries.

Are there people in your life you are constantly rescuing? Who are they?

Are there people who regularly rescue you? How does this hinder you from growing?

To build your life anew you must set boundaries of respect for yourself and for others. It is a discipline of time, mind, and will. Without boundaries, you will lose all three.

What is one example of a situation when someone asked you to do something you didn’t want to do or didn’t have the time or resources to do?

How did you respond? Do you feel you handled it well?

How do you typically respond when people ask you to do things you don’t want to do or you don’t have time or the resources to do?

Another way to set boundaries in your life is to review your reactions to the actions of others. What is one example of a situation when someone treated you poorly? How did you respond?

What thoughts about yourself came to mind?

Who do you rescue so they don’t have to face the consequences of their actions?

How will this harm them in the long run?

Has this person developed a dependence on you?

What specific things do you do for others they could do for themselves?

What would happen if you suddenly said no to doing something for someone they should do for themselves? Would it alter your relationship with them? In the long run, could it be more healthy and helpful for them?

Who are the people in your life you need to put into healthy perspective and possibly “love from a distance”?

How will you establish those boundaries today?

What boundaries in your relationships do you feel good about?

Who in your life can you ask to hold you accountable in promoting healthier boundaries?

Boundaries are there to help you focus your life not to exclude or disregard people. They also refine to whom you should minister and help you focus wholeheartedly in one direction instead of halfheartedly in multiple.

Maintain Existing Healthy Relationships

We need relationships. God created us for community. It is up to us to find those relationships that are life-giving or that we can give life to. Cherish the neighbor who watches your house while you’re out of town and your same-sex friends who allow you to confide in them and who you can trust with your vulnerability.

What healthy relationships do you have now that are important to you to maintain?

Developing Healthy New Relationships

Remember, boundaries aren’t about keeping people out. Rather, they’re about keeping you in a safe, healthy space so you can develop satisfying mutual relationships. There are so many options to spend your life on. You need to seek the Holy Spirit to show you what is most worthwhile for you.

In the space below, you will see your lifeline. Note your birth, childhood, young adulthood, marriage, and then your divorce. See the extended line after your divorce as the rest of the story of your life. It is open, full of potential, and full of adventures yet to come. There is still time to create the life you want, a life that is rich with purpose and joy.

Look at the open space you now have in which to write your story. The clearer you can define where you want your life to go, the better the chances are you will get there. Say yes to something better than being a reflex to your own life. Find your life in service to others by discovering your ministry and your focus. Then you will uncover your glorious purpose in your own story, which fits into God’s story.

Who are some people you respect and would like to get to know?

How will you initiate and pursue relationship with them?

Find associations or groups that resonate with your heart or your talents and skills. Try attending a couple meetings before you decide if it’s rght for you. Find those who inspire you or places you can join in their mission to make the world a better place. Who might that be?

Risk Taking

Nothing changes without risk. It is important not only to determine what you want but also to evaluate the risk that goes with it. If you don’t do something different, nothing in your life will change. But wow, will it change when you take smart risks! Now is the time to decide what risk you need to take and the way God would have you go.

There is a risk with everything you want. Identify what you want and the risks you need to take to build your new life.

What I Want . . . What I Have to Risk . . .