Week 6

Avoiding Self-Sabotage, Affirming Self-Worth

Do you ever wonder about God’s thoughts toward you and your life transition?

God knows you intimately. He knows the number of hairs on your head and collects your tears (Matt. 10:30; Ps. 56:8; see also Ps. 139). He also knows the personal blessing and path He wants in your life. What does God have for you? God desires to give your life purpose. He desires that you have peace, wisdom, love, and an abundant life. His abundance may not be monetary riches; His abundance may be ministry, influence, relationships, peace, and a deep relationship with Him.

So how do you receive all of this and become all you are meant to be? By allowing Him access to every part of your life and taking Him at His word. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deut. 31:6).

What does God want for you for the rest of your life? Through the Scriptures, this much we know:

• He wants you to accept His love for you. “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion” (Heb. 3:15). “The Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God” (John 16:27).

• He wants you to have an intimate relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus Christ, for a life of purpose and direction that is full and eternal. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10 ESV).

• He has an exciting plan for you. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11 ESV).

• He sends His Holy Spirit to be your closest companion to guide you and give you direction and truth. “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—the Spirit of truth . . . But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:16–17, 26).

• His Word (the Bible) is alive and will change your life when you receive it, just as it has changed the history of the world. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Heb. 4:12 ESV).

Marriage and Singleness

What is your attitude toward singleness? Do you love it? Hate it? Are you tolerating it or celebrating it? What if there are more riches, experiences, and benefits for you in being single than being married? Would you be open to that?

Read 1 Corinthians 7:25–40.

In one sentence, describe what these verses mean to you.

What did Paul mean when he said it was better to stay on your own?

What did Paul mean when he said “undivided devotion to the Lord” (v. 35)?

How could this benefit you?

Today, what do you imagine God wants for you for the rest of your life?

What is your reaction to and belief about these thoughts from Paul?

How would your life be different if you truly trusted God with it?

What about Your Self-Sabotaging?

Sometimes the greatest enemy—who gets in the way, slows us down, trips us up, and lacks faith in us—is us. There are numerous ways we self-sabotage.

• Self-talk: we remind ourselves of our ineptness instead of our abilities.

• Not taking risks: we avoid opportunities that could change our life by giving in to fear.

• Believing lies about ourselves: we accept what someone else said about us, or what we think they think about us, as true, or believe part of a lie that is not entirely true.

• Looking for excuses: we don’t chase after our greatness, saying we don’t have time, money, intelligence, skill, or talent to make it happen.

• Fearing success: we don’t know how we would handle success so we don’t try. Or when we succeed we downplay it, ruin it, or run away from it.

• Fearing being found out: we fear someone will find out we’re ordinary and not that talented. We overlook our virtues and emphasize our weaknesses.

• Missing structure: we avoid the logistics needed to sharpen our skills.

• Avoiding discipline or boundaries: we don’t commit the necessary time or space to grow our skills. We skim over the details.

• Procrastinating: we put things off until the last minute and then rush to finish. We excuse ourselves that it could have been better if we had more time. No wonder we deliver a mediocre product or not the best of us.

• Neglecting ourselves: we ignore our own needs, healthy eating, self-care, and sleep and then don’t have the energy to perform at the optimal level.

As you look at these various self-sabotaging behaviors, which three do you recognize in your own life?

For each of the three methods you chose, answer these questions:

What benefits do you derive from this behavior? (There is always a payoff—comfort, excuses, or lessened fear, for example.)

What is your behavior costing you? (This could be your health, opportunities, relationships, emotional well-being, discovery and fulfillment of your potential, and more.)

Are you satisfied, or would you like to change the behavior? How will you start this week?

What change in your thoughts would you need to make in order to change the behavior? How will you prompt yourself when these thoughts appear?

Describe what would be different if you changed this behavior.

Complete the chart on the next page for one of the three self-sabotaging behaviors you identified. Start with the circle in the center. Fill in this center circle with one way you sabotage yourself. In the extending circles, write how this behavior affects you in different areas (such as in your finances, work, health, etc.). Then move out to the next circle and chart how that behavior further branches out and affects your life. For example, you might write “Procrastinate on creating a budget” in the center circle. In the next circle out you might write “Spend too much on fancy coffee.” And then in the next two circles, you might write “Can’t take my daughter to a movie” and “Had to buy groceries on the credit card.”

What area(s) affected or surprised you the most as you completed the circle chart?

Defeating Sabotage

One reason I stress self-compassion is so we can drop our defenses, learn more about ourselves and our weaknesses, and then gently change them. If we can understand why we self-sabotage, we can replace sabotaging behavior with healthy behavior. Maybe it is our insecurity or the voices we’ve heard throughout life, or because we simply don’t believe we deserve to have good things in life. God wants you to succeed. He wants good things in your life. He has compassion for you. Give yourself a break, embrace your own soul, and move forward into His grace. I bet you say things in your self-talk you would never say to anyone else.

Growth takes guts. To believe in yourself, your value, and all your wonderful potential requires courage. Celebrate your bravery when you try something new, whether you succeed or it doesn’t work out.

Be gracious to yourself if you fail. Remember, no one leaves this world having lived perfectly. Stay close to God and you will succeed and remain on the right track. He holds blessings beyond your imagination in His right hand.

In what area would you rather fail than regret never having tried?

What three things can you say to yourself when you feel fearful or when sabotaging behaviors well up inside?

How God Sees You

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

—Romans 8:1

Are you “in” Christ Jesus? Have you accepted Him into your life and asked Him to take all of your failures and sins and be your own personal Savior? There is where the power is for your life and where it always will be. You have freedom! Romans 8:1 (above) means you are under God’s favor and not condemnation (judgment). No condemnation. So you contradict God’s truth when you put judgment back on yourself! It is impossible for us to understand the final and eternal ramifications of this verse. We feel justified to beat ourselves up, to minimize our vision for our lives, and to limit what God desires for us. Can you write a sentence stating that you face no condemnation? Use your name in the statement. Make it bold and beautiful.

Your condemnation, which you may stubbornly cling to in unbelief, is gone forever upon the cross of Christ. Trust this truth as your truth. Trust Him. He is trustworthy, I promise you.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And this is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

—1 John 3:1

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

—2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

Which Scriptures mean the most to you as you claim the way God sees you? If you need help review the Psalms (especially Ps. 139).

Explain how you believe God sees you.

Do you sabotage yourself so you miss out on God’s best for you?

How will you stop sabotaging yourself and see the potential God gave you?

How will you start acting on and living up to the potential God has placed in you?

Do you tell yourself God could not accept you as you are or do mighty things through you? Do you look in the mirror and dismiss yourself, thinking you’ll be okay just to get by? Or do you celebrate yourself as God’s special child?

Trust Him. Precious friend, there are only two places for your failures and sins—either on the cross or held within. You cannot handle it; Jesus can and did. If you need to stop here and accept that forgiveness for your life, please do. God’s grace is too important to overlook as you’re building your new life. It is where we find the freedom and the power to create our new, abundant, purposeful lives.