You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
— ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
For the last twenty years I have taught meditation retreats with teaching teams comprised of several teachers. I have taught with senior Dharma teachers, world-renowned experts, novices, and peers. It’s always a delight to share the teaching platform with friends and colleagues who inspire me and from whom I myself can learn. However, as lovely as that can be, I can sometimes get caught up in comparisons with them, which can be quite painful. The comparing mind, no matter what the occasion, never seems far away, and it’s always eager to jump in.
When I first started teaching, this habit was much worse. For instance, if I felt awe for a colleague’s eloquence, my comparing mind might use that to put myself down, and I could feel like my teaching may not be up to scratch. Conversely, if another teacher gave an unclear lecture, my ego could use that as grounds for inflation, thinking it could do a much better job! Each time I encountered a new teaching team, my comparing mind, left unchecked, started contrasting and comparing myself to others. What I didn’t fully understand then was that this never-ending anxious drama is all in our heads and really bears little relation to reality. It also leads to a lot of unnecessary anguish.
When I dig deeper, I can see vulnerability underneath the restless comparing mind. Sometimes we fear being seen as less than others and of possibly losing appreciation, respect, and worst of all, love. This fear is rarely conscious, and it rarely is based on what’s actually true. Most often these fears relate to old anxieties, especially experiences from childhood that then reverberate throughout our life. Whatever the specific reasons, be they fears of abandonment and rejection or the desire for attention, praise, and love, they are strong drivers for the comparing mind.
Such insecurity lies at the heart of the ego structure. The ego is always on shaky ground, forever nervous about its status. The ego-identity is a self-constructed paradigm, something we create and build up over a lifetime, and its tenuous status has no more reality than what we ascribe to it. Therefore, the ego stays busy trying to prop up its precarious sense of self in relation to others.
There are three ways we are pulled into ceaseless comparison. We either feel superior, inferior, or equal. Yet the restless uncertainty of the ego means we rarely settle in one place for long. We may prefer the feeling of inflation that comes from feeling superior, but this status is vulnerable because at any moment someone else may display more skill, intelligence, or talent, which can elicit a sense of inferiority. Any status is tentative and subject to change, and so our egoic personality is always hard at work, comparing, contrasting, and protecting its identity.
Today, social media further feeds the relentless comparing mind. This creates a tremendous amount of anxiety, particularly for teens, and it’s easy to feel that one’s social status rises and falls on a whim, depending on how many likes, shares, and re-tweets one gets. The pervasiveness of this medium makes it all the more important to bring awareness to this challenging habit.
Of course, how comparison unfolds depends on how we think of ourselves. If we consider ourselves an expert or the most popular, then the comparing mind will feel threatened by others who have more expertise or get a lot of attention. If we are the office’s IT guru, we might feel challenged and undermined if a young new hire, fresh from computer programming school, knows more and outperforms us. This could trigger negative feelings toward the new person and force us to reassess our status. The new hire might threaten our chances of promotion, or the threat might be only to our social standing, but we tend to react as if our survival is at stake.
The same is true in any situation where we have or want the status of being “the best,” whether that’s being the most supple person in the yoga class, the richest businessperson in the boardroom, the most generous donor, the most humble spiritual devotee, or the most successful politician. The ego generally wants to be top dog, but this effort is fraught with insecurity and uncertainty. It is hard for the ego to suffer the loss of identity that comes from not maintaining one’s status. We can see this when renowned political figures desperately try to hold on to fame or power or both, and go to extreme lengths, including a coup d’état, to preserve their status.
Conversely, the ego may have a negative self-identity, one that is perhaps more vulnerable and painful. We can believe we are the worst, the least lovable, unworthy, and incapable. If we carry around a deficient sense of self, the comparing mind tends to put us down while elevating others. As with any identity, we tend to hold on to our status with tenacity. In this situation, the comparing mind might reject positive feedback or appreciation, since that challenges our negative identity. To be “less than” can sometimes feel safe and comfortable, a way to avoid taking responsibility, even though it’s an inherently painful position to be in.
I have worked with some of the smartest, most gifted, and compassionate people who carry around a belief that they are stupid, underqualified, or selfish. I have known others where the opposite was true, and their actions did not match their high self-regard. Only self-awareness and an honesty with ourselves can keep us from being imprisoned by false realities.
Even thinking we are equal to others can be a form of conceit, since it still involves an ego-derived comparison to and judgment of others. Being “equal” is the same kind of evaluation; it is a moving target that keeps the ego perpetually ill at ease. Fortunately, with awareness, comparative thoughts can be seen for what they are, just thoughts that bear little relation to the truth. We see clearly they are just unconstructive mental habits that leave us in a state of contraction, anxiety, and insecurity. That clarity then helps us to disengage from constantly measuring ourselves against others and to release the tyranny of the comparing mind.
With a sensitive awareness, we can sense the inherent insecurity that underlies these comparisons. Then, rather than judge ourselves or reject these thoughts out of aversion, we can attune to the vulnerability at the root of the ego-identity structure. As we learn not to buy into such mental games, and feel the deep pain they cause, we come to hold ourselves with compassion. Eventually, our insight into the comparing mind’s misperceptions and our compassion for the suffering that ensues for everyone helps us uproot the whole comparison game.
• PRACTICE •
Everyone can fall prey to the comparing mind. Because that measuring and evaluating can be so painful, it is essential to meet this experience with compassion and forgiveness. That’s not to let ourselves off the hook but to simply recognize how powerful this conditioning is. It’s important to bring kind attention and a sense of care as you become more aware of this painful process — in the same way we might console a child if they felt hurt by social media—driven comparisons. Mindfulness can help us not only hold comparisons less tightly but also not take the habit so personally.
As you go through your day, pay attention to this habit of comparing. Notice when and how it arises. When you check Facebook or Instagram, do you compare someone else’s idyllic pictures of their “blissful” family with your own family? At work, when someone gets accolades, a promotion, or a bonus, do you compare this with whatever you’ve gotten, and perhaps put yourself down as a result? When you notice comparisons, notice if you feel the pain of this process.
In this practice, simply notice the comparing mind. Whenever you see it happening, just name it: “comparing mind.” Often, just the awareness of this tendency is enough to remind us to step back and reconsider our belief or assessment. Recognizing comparisons, and remembering that they are self-created and often don’t reflect reality, can make it easier to let such thoughts go.
Also pay attention to your body. Whether the comparison makes you feel inferior or superior (or equal), notice your physical and emotional reaction. For instance, feelings of superiority are usually less pleasant than we may imagine, since they create a sense of separation, or smugness, rather than expansiveness or real joy. Can you sense the inherent instability and uncertainty of that inflated position and the anxiety and contraction that can accompany that status? When you are feeling inferior, notice how painful that state can be.
Bring attention to the vulnerability that underlies so much of the comparing mind. Notice how the comparing habit often arises out of a sense of lack or an insecurity. Can you meet that vulnerability with a compassionate presence rather than judgment?
By observing this roller coaster of comparing, we strengthen our ability to disengage from it. We learn to simply recognize and observe this process with a kind attention, rather than ride the highs and lows of the comparisons themselves. This is like stepping off the roller coaster. Abiding in this knowing presence allows us to feel a sense of space or equanimity even as the tendency to compare continues. Over time, you will find the comparing mind no longer leaves its painful residue. You will see comparisons arise and not take them so seriously, releasing without trouble the self-constructed realities that once caused you so much anguish.
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