Extending Compassion to Others
Be kind to every person you meet because each person has been asked to carry a great burden.
— REVEREND JOHN WATSON
This beloved quote by John Watson is one I try to live by. It encourages us to keep our heart open to others, rather than closing down out of fear, judgment, or resistance. No one gets through this life with a free ride. Even the most blessed, abundant person has to deal with stress, physical pain, and health issues. They are just part of the human condition.
However much we may love our families, every parent is challenged by raising children, and every child is challenged by growing up. We all lose friends and loved ones eventually. Walking life’s path means, at times, losing things, like our health, our wealth, and our direction, and at times challenging even our faith. When I remember this, it helps me to turn toward others with a compassionate heart and loving spirit.
It is easy to make assumptions about people based on superficial appearances, perhaps on where they live, how they dress, or how they talk. A whole, complex world lives inside each and every person that is neither visible nor obvious from the outside. As a teacher, I meet people from all walks of life, and I get to scratch beneath the surface and hear what is really going on in the deeper currents of their lives — what is troubling their hearts and causing stress or anxiety.
I am often moved by the litany of woes that each person has to navigate: from a mother’s loss of a child at birth to the pain of an elder whose life partner has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten all sense of who they are. I see retirees who haven’t recovered from the abuse they suffered as infants, while combat veterans struggle with the trauma from serving in Vietnam or Afghanistan. I’ve worked with beautiful models whose lives are riddled with anxiety about weight and struggles with bulimia. Single parents can barely make their monthly rent and worry about not having enough money for their children’s college fees. Meanwhile, millionaires wrestle with guilt over inherited wealth, feeling unworthy and embarrassed at never having worked for it. This is just a snapshot of what might comprise a typical group on retreat, and it is a small sampling of the multitudes who struggle in their lives.
I have learned to never underestimate what someone might be going through. People are often coping with difficult challenges beneath the surface. Remembering this can inspire us to give people the benefit of the doubt, to be a little more patient and forgiving when they are grumpy, short-tempered, or neurotic. I was sharply reminded of this recently when I stopped to say hello to James, my neighbor. I usually have very little contact with James, who is often out of town, and lately when he was around, he seemed quite unfriendly. Then one day, I saw James alone, and something prompted me to ask how he was doing. After a little small talk, he shared that he had just lost his wife three weeks ago due to a brain tumor, which had been diagnosed only a month before she passed. I was stunned and felt deeply sorry for James, whose recent behavior I now understood in a whole new light.
Such moments remind us of the importance of infusing love into our practice of mindfulness, without which it is incomplete, or as one of my teachers calls it, “one-legged.” Compassion arises when our open hearts meet suffering. It is the heart’s natural response: to care and wish to find ways to relieve the pain of others. Compassion is sometimes referred to as the quivering of the heart, which resonates with the anguish of another. Though innate, compassion can be developed with practice, intention, and care.
History is replete with figures who have developed compassion to a high level, such as Mother Teresa and St. Francis of Assisi. They are shining examples of compassion that knows no limits, as is Desmond Tutu. During the brutal apartheid regime in South Africa, he endured a lot of suffering and had to bear witness as his people underwent decades of abuse and violence, yet he was able to find in his heart a place of compassion for those same oppressors. This is boundless compassion that rises above our personal, self-centered story.
We all have this potential. I think about the mass shooting in 2015 at the Emmanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina, when a white supremacist opened fire during a prayer service in the church, killing nine people and injuring others. Despite these terrible murders, many in the congregation were able to find in their hearts the power of forgiveness. Nadine Collier, the daughter of seventy-year-old Ethel Lance, who was slain, stood up in court to face the attacker and said, her voice breaking with emotion: “You took something very precious from me. I will never talk to her again. I will never, ever hold her again. But I forgive you. And have mercy on your soul.” This is a heart that has truly developed a compassion that knows no limits.
Other examples include Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and participants in the U.S. civil rights movement. They confronted injustice, racism, and violence with an unstoppable power of love. It is hard to watch the film archives of those Southern marches in the 1960s, where nonviolent protesters were attacked with dogs, water cannons, and violent police brutality. Yet despite such aggression, they managed to hold their heads up high and look into the eyes of their oppressors without hatred or vengeance. Such courage is a testament to the power of the human heart to face adversity and overcome through peaceful means.
What supports the heart to open, and what closes it down? The first step on the path of compassion requires turning toward what is, particularly what is difficult. When we can attune to the suffering of another without judgment, reaction, or recoiling — when we can simply witness and acknowledge the pain — this allows the window of loving care to open. This movement in the heart allows us to feel with another and to ask the important questions: How can I help, and what would serve this person?
We can also explore what interferes with the heart opening. Often it is fear of feeling another’s pain or worry about being overwhelmed by someone’s distress. Other reasons might be judgments about someone’s struggles or feeling too burdened by our own or the world’s suffering to face more anguish. We need to honestly scrutinize the ways we turn from pain, as these can serve to numb the heart and lead to inaction.
We can observe and work with this dynamic anytime we meet someone who is hurting. A very common example is encountering the homeless on city streets. In San Francisco, where I work, homelessness is at epidemic levels, and every day, this intense suffering hits me in the face. It is heartbreaking to see so many people who are hungry, cold, and traumatized, or to see elderly people, thin and frail, trying to sleep on cardboard boxes, or young mothers with children in tow, begging for a few dollars so they can buy food or get a hot drink.
How open I am to their plight depends on many factors, and noticing these is key to understanding the heart’s capacity. Sometimes, I am embarrassed to say, I am too busy, distracted, or hurried, and I either don’t notice or don’t want to slow down and take in someone’s vulnerability. At other times, someone’s predicament feels like too much to take in, so I avert my eyes. Almost always, homelessness is a problem that’s beyond my ability to solve on an individual level, so I can easily feel overwhelmed, numb, and incapacitated.
At some point, everyone struggles in these ways. Whatever the reason, our heart shuts down to pain, and by doing so, we short-circuit our capacity to care, to be kind and responsive, which is the heart of compassion. What is required is pausing, taking someone in fully, and feeling the whole messiness of their situation. Once we can feel the pain of another, then we can ask the important question of how we can help and what we can do.
With regard to homelessness, I make sure I donate to homeless charities in the city. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it is one small way I can make a difference, and it ensures my money goes directly to feeding and providing shelter to those I meet on the street. I also aspire to treat everyone humanely: to meet people’s eyes and offer the simple kindness of a genuine smile and greeting. Often that human contact and acknowledgment seem the most important. I may not be able to solve homelessness, but I can relate kindly and with care to each person in the moment.
• PRACTICE •
Developing Compassion for Others
Compassion begins with the courageous turn toward pain and the desire to bring relief to it. Being open to the anguish of others is what motivates us to want to alleviate such suffering. It cannot be done in the abstract. This ancient practice is a way to open the heart and cultivate this beautiful quality.
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and bring attention to your physical sensations. Become aware of the center of your chest, your heart area; feel your breath there. Now call to mind someone you care about deeply who is currently suffering. Take a moment to visualize this person and sense them as if they were with you. Recollect their particular woes and struggles, and let the person and their pain into your heart. Use your breath as a support both to feel the emotion and to soften the intensity of the feeling if it becomes too strong.
Then, silently offer wishes that express the heart of compassion, the sincere desire to relieve another’s pain. As you hold a loved one in your heart and mind, repeat these phrases slowly and genuinely: I care about you. May you be free of pain and suffering. May you hold your difficulty with ease and kindness. This last wish is offered because, for many people, there may not be any immediate relief from anguish, particularly if they are dealing with loss or chronic pain or a terminal diagnosis. As you sense your loved one and their struggle, gently repeat these phrases, or similar ones, that express your heart’s wish for the relief of their pain.
After some minutes, consider bringing another person to mind, perhaps a good friend who is in distress. Follow the same process: sense and visualize them first, open to the pain they are going through, and offer them the same wishes of compassion.
If you wish to stretch your capacity further, call to mind someone you may be in conflict with, or whom you find difficult or challenging, but whom you know is struggling. In the same way, repeat the process of offering them these wishes of compassion. Know that this is not necessarily easy to do but can help you heal the pain and contraction in your own heart as it relates to them.
If you are currently experiencing adversity or pain in your life, you might next apply this same practice of compassion to yourself. Sometimes we are least likely to turn this caring heart to our own suffering. Take some time to sense into your own particular afflictions, then with a kind heart, direct the phrases of compassion to yourself: May I be free of pain and suffering. May I hold my burdens with kindness and ease.
Last, turn your attention outward to the vast ocean of suffering in the world. Call to mind the pain of particular populations or of people in particular circumstances, such as the homeless, those living through warfare, or people suffering famine and poverty. Similarly, you can extend compassion to all creatures, such as livestock trapped in feedlots or species under threat of extinction. Whoever it may be, call these beings to mind, sense their pain, and offer your wishes of compassion to them.
As you end the practice, reflect on how you can take more active steps to help those in need. Ask: What is the need, how can I help, and how can I serve? Then let your response come from this tenderhearted place of compassion; listen to what action or initiative comes forth. Compassion is a dynamic force that can bring tremendous salve to any pain in life.
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