All tragedies are finish’d by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.
—Lord Byron
There is nothing common about sense. Would that it were as common as hydrogen in the Universe; but then again, come to think of it, most of the hydrogen is on fire all around us, busy burning up in tremendous furnaces called stars. All those stars, all those galaxies, millions of flaming bonfires whirling round above our heads. All those violent clashes in the Universe—how could we be expected to be peaceful? We live in an exploding Universe which grew from a tiny dot, a singularity, fifteen billion years ago, expanding out of nothingness to create everything we see around us. The Big Bang. The Big Laugh. Explosions of laughter. Like orgasm. Seeding the Universe.
It’s life that’s the puzzle. Life is the weirdness. Life is the unnecessary part of the equation. Given time, the physical Universe becomes biological and grows intelligence. Why?
Someone once asked the classic White Face clown Steve Martin why life was present in the Universe.
“Because,” he replied, “without life, the Universe does not exist. It needs an observer to make it real.”
Yes. The post-Heisenberg world of comedy. Smart bastards, comedians.
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Everyone said it really was Brenda Woolley who had saved the day. Even though to bench-press Josef over her head she would have needed the muscle tone of a professional Bodyslog. Even though she was lying in a hospital bed holding Boo’s hand at the time. Still it’s a much better story and we’ll take the better story over truth any day, won’t we? Isn’t that the point of journalism? So the myth persisted that Brenda Woolley saved the Universe (or at least a tiny part of it). To everyone’s surprise, including his, when she came out of hospital, she took up with Boo. She was devoted to him, and he, the supreme ironist, enjoyed this final irony and seemed utterly fascinated by her. It was an odd relationship, but then again, aren’t they all?
As for Carlton, all he asked as his reward was a chance to perform comedy. They tried to dissuade him, everyone said it was madness, but he was adamant, and since he certainly deserved it, they finally gave him his wish. He appeared at the Sangster Club on Mars, billed as Carlton the Comedy Computer, For One Night Only. It was the highlight of a Grand Gala Thank-You Ball given by the Government of Clarketown for Brenda Woolley and the crew of the Princess Di. Being Special Bureau employees, Dunphy and McTurk were not invited, though Rogers was. Alex got them a couple of passes anyway. Kyle showed up in a tux looking like a million dollars. Everyone was there. Everyone made speeches, including the mayor of Clarketown, who played down the threat, though he did announce that Project Iceman was officially dead. Of course he didn’t explain it was really for economic reasons: the very expensive Iceman project was being replaced by the new fusion technology which could grow ice, water, and water vapor chemically from oxygen and hydrogen. They didn’t need the icebergs anymore. So in a way, everyone was happy. The Silesian Sea would grow imperceptibly up to the edge of the lands his friends had already purchased.
Katy was at the gala, looking glamorous in a strapless frock. She had moved in with Alex. He was nuts about her. They were talking about kids. He proposed to her in the lobby of the Sangster Club. She said she’d think about it. His face fell. Ten seconds later she said yes.
“You bastard,” he said.
“Gotcha,” she said.
It was a tough crowd. A tux crowd. Glittering jewels and polished faces. Carlton was coolly confident. Backstage it was Alex and Lewis who were nervous, like parents at a school play. They were in the way, redundant, pacing around offering useless bits of advice.
“Time to go, buddy,” said Katy, leading Alex off to his seat.
“Break a circuit,” said Alex.
Lewis gave him a slap on the back. Tay handed him a little good luck drawing she had made, then they all passed through the black velvet curtain to take their places.
I do hope this is a good idea, thought Carlton.
Could he do it? Was comedy accessible to computers? Was artificial intelligence finally ready to be funny?
He stepped forward into the spotlight.