Un-Damming Your Power
Letting Your Voice Out and Other Women In
At my age, in this still hierarchical time, people often ask me if I’m “passing the torch.” I explain that I’m keeping my torch, thank you very much — and I’m using it to light the torches of others.
GLORIA STEINEM
Woman, the spot upon which you now stand is golden.
You know how to transmit light through how you see and listen. You know how to excavate your deep desires. You are a devotee of your pleasure and presence, and can choose when, where, and how much to receive all the goodness that is quite surely aimed in your direction. Now it is time for you to bring your inner world out into this world. Now it is time to share yourself in a way that brings others closer, all without cramping your truth.
You and I have only a little more time together before you close this book and run off into the rest of your life. So that your power doesn’t get stuck or stay stagnant, I want to highlight for you two areas that can potentially block your power and steal your life-force: how you express yourself and how you relate to other women.
To open your mouth and share with the world that which is asking to be lived as you and through you can be scary. You might fear that if you stand up, stick your neck out, say your piece, and ask for what you want, you might become a target, get shunned by your friends, or be abandoned by your beloveds. You might fear you will be pelted with rotten tomatoes, marked as high-maintenance, or labeled as crazy.
To open your heart and share with another woman the truth of who you are becoming can be even scarier. You might fear that other women are catty and competitive, not to be trusted. You might worry that you will get sized up, stabbed in the back, labeled as a loser, or left with a gut-twisting case of jealousy.
And yet. How else will things change unless you speak up about what you know needs to change? What you have to offer the world isn’t crazy; it is needed to heal the world’s own insanity. You don’t have to stay locked in competition with other women; you can co-conspire to heal the war between us. In the quantum reality of interconnectivity, how else will you rise unless we all rise together?
By sharing your truth, you give others permission to do the same. By trusting other women to come close, you un-dam part of your power and let it flow. So before you set off to live the life of a Feminine Genius, let me give you all I can so you can let your voice out and let other women in.
LETTING YOUR VOICE OUT
The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.
COCO CHANEL
I stood on red rocks, ankle deep in river water, wind in my hair. I was in Sedona, considered by many to be one of the most potent electromagnetic power spots on the globe, where the earth is the color of glowing embers. I was working with my longtime friend and public speaking coach, KC Baker, on a talk that I would soon give to several hundred women. So that I could embody the powerful and flowing qualities of water, and so that my words didn’t get stuck or stagnant, she asked me to practice in the river.
KC’s eyes shone with delight as she listened to me speak. When I faltered and paused, she waded into the river with me, sunlight catching the crystals hanging from her ears. She smiled and shared with me her KC-ism, as she has shared with countless women before me: “Don’t say the right thing; say the true thing.” I started again, trying to stay in my body while saying the truest things I know.
She listened, then rattled off a long, luxurious list of what was working about my talk, but a part of me still wondered if I was doing it all wrong, if my ideas were completely crazy, and if I would confuse or alienate my listeners. “The feelings and sensations of being anxious or nervous aren’t a problem,” KC reminded me. “The energy of those feelings and sensations is your power. You are feeling discomfort because your power is dammed up and can’t quite get all the way through. Let’s go eat lunch, and then let’s try it again.”
On that golden-lit afternoon, I was just one woman like any woman, trying to stay in my body and let my voice — and my power — run free. Literally and figuratively, no script to follow. Just feeling what I feel, knowing what I know, and simply saying what is true. In that Sedona river, I was just one woman like any woman, discovering again that perhaps as women we aren’t damned, we are just dammed up.
It really takes something to open your mouth and share what is true, even to just one pair of ears. Georgia used to describe speaking up — at least outside of her work life — as something akin to dread on a good day, and something quite like terror on a bad one. A client of mine for several years, Georgia has always been sure-footed in her work as a project manager and consultant, confidently leading teams, meetings, and big-budget projects. But Georgia has carried through her whole life, and into her friendships and relationships, the restrictive belief that expressing what she wants to those she loves will at best inconvenience them, and at worse anger them and chase them away.
Georgia doesn’t remember a time when her father didn’t swing, without warning, from delightfully manic to despondent and depressed. Throughout her childhood, Georgia’s father gave away her favorite toys, “borrowed” money she’d been given for birthdays and holidays, and, once, bought her a pony she didn’t want and couldn’t take care of because animals and hay made her physically sick. At one point, he suddenly moved out of the family home, and then several years later, moved back in, all without explanation. There is nothing quite like having your father, the god of your universe, make erratic decisions about your life. It can make you question what is true and wonder if speaking up is wise. It all led to Georgia concluding, “If I’m me, I won’t be loved, and I won’t belong.”
Not everyone’s past is as dramatic as Georgia’s, but nearly every woman I know or have worked with has either a niggling — or raging — fear of letting her voice out, whether making a request or simply saying what is so. Because voicing your desires is a vulnerable and public declaration of what you care deeply about, you might tend to entomb your voice in the catacombs of your psyche. But when you detain your truths as your own noiseless little secrets, and when you squirrel away your wants over your lifetime, they dam your power. From my experience, expressing your desires — lovingly and powerfully, in a way that benefits both you and your listener — requires that you take not just one step, but four undaunted, un-damming steps.
Four Steps to Letting Your Voice Out
In the first step, you must embrace what it is that you desire. You must remember that it is okay — actually, more than okay — to simply love what you love, feel what you feel, know what you know, want what you want, and need what you need.
Now, you might believe, like Georgia did, that having needs — even the need to speak up about what you need — will make you seem needy or unlovable, and is therefore unacceptable. This is partly because you may have been, like Georgia was, groomed to be a “good girl,” to be seen and not heard, and to please others before you please yourself (if you ever get around to pleasing yourself, that is). However, this first step requires you to strip off your Superwoman uniform, reach your hand down into the riverbed of your desires, and pull out a deep one, and then stand in your naked truth: in your body, connected innocently and intrepidly to what you love.
In the second step, you must positively presume that other people want to hear what you have to say. Other people are part of a Universe that, as pronoia proposes, is conspiring to shower you with blessings. So you must trust that other people aren’t trying to block what you want and, in fact, might just have a lot of fun conspiring to help you get what you want. You must believe that what you desire may in fact be good for everyone, requiring in small or significant ways that everyone reach, grow, and expand to become who they are aching to become. This second step was the hardest for Georgia to wrap her head around, but in just a moment, I’ll share how she benefited greatly from these positive presumptions.
In the third step of letting your voice out, you must, first and always, broadcast a field of appreciation, to yourself and to your listeners. Like you would first spread out a gemstone blanket, a soft surface upon which to place the gold nuggets you just pulled from the silt — and so that you and your listener can see the gems for what they are and can more easily admire the way they catch the light — it is extremely useful to likewise spread out an appreciative field before speaking up.
This step helps sift out of the conversation things like blame, shame, expectation, or proving yourself worthy, and helps whatever you share to land more cleanly with your listener. As you know, whatever type of field you choose will transmit through your body language, your energy, and the tone of your voice, as well as through the words you choose. In this third step, I suggest that you verbally share with your listeners something you appreciate about them, as a kind of stage-setting to sharing what you have to share. Even if your listeners don’t — or can’t — articulate what they feel, they will be positively affected by your appreciative field and your appreciative words.
In the fourth step, you must open up your mouth and let your voice out. To help you speak lovingly and powerfully, here’s my recommendation. Start by asking this prompt, first of yourself, and then of your listener, “Know what I would love?”
Just like it is impossible to fake what truly brings you pleasure, it is impossible to fake what you love, what is true for you, and what is important to you. This prompt helps you to reposition your desire as something you adore, rather than something that might tarnish your value or lovability. And this prompt helps you express that desire to another, lovingly and powerfully. Here’s how: When you ask yourself, “Know what I would love?” your Oracle pricks up her ears and starts to ponder, “Well, what is it that I would love?” Whatever question you pose to yourself, you will get some kinds of answers.
For example, if you ask yourself, “Know what I’m afraid of?” you will get a nice, long list of fears and doubts. If you ask yourself, “Know what is wrong with me?” you will get a nice, long list of your shortcomings and crazies. In this case, when you ask yourself, “Know what I would love?” you will get a nice, long list of your desires: what you are devoted to, what you want, what you care about, what is important to you, and what is true for you.
Asking yourself this question is like panning for gold, when you plunge a tin pan into a riverbed; scoop up a bunch of water, rocks, and sand; then jiggle the contents around to see what gold will come to the surface. You dip your hand into the river water of your Oracle and pull out a gold nugget — a need, a request, a truth, a longing, or a deep desire to share with someone in your world.
What you find might be something you simply want witnessed or acknowledged, like a recent discovery about yourself, a vision you want to create, or a fresh idea that is dying to be heard. And what you find might be a proposal for something new or different, like a place to travel to, a course you’d like to take, a different way of parenting together, or an upgrade for a pattern of communication that is no longer working. You will know you have struck gold when you have fallen in love with the truth you have found, and can be its champion.
After asking this prompt to yourself, use it to start off a conversation wherein you share with your listener (or listeners) what it is that you would love. Instead of dipping you into disappointment or resentment, this prompt will help you more easily access your wells of joy, value, and love, and will therefore influence what you share and how you share it.
You can express the same desire with displeasure or delight. When you tap into what you love, the field you are emitting will feel distinct, your body language will look distinct, and your voice will sound distinct. Your listener will be more likely to hear you, receive you, and be interested in what you propose instead of having to armor against your critical or confusing field — and words.
Please do not misunderstand. I am not suggesting that you tidy and sanitize your desires before communicating them — a process that certainly could leave you even more tongue-tied. The truth that you pan for and find may indeed be messy. It does not have to be politically correct or easy for your listeners to hear. Just like KC reminded me back in that Sedona river, you needn’t worry about sharing the “wrong” thing. Just share your truth.
The thing about your truth is that when you don’t express it, it can make you some sort of sick. “Better out than in,” my husband likes to say. He usually says this about mucous, vomit, or some purgative his body is using to get back to wellness. Gross, but true. When you shut your desires up inside you, even the fairly simple ones, they can become toxic. This is what started to happen for Georgia. About six months into our work together, she started dating Andrew, a man who was refreshingly reliable in contrast to her father, and to her past relationships. We got to work on Georgia’s ability to speak up with Andrew, using the four steps I just outlined.
Georgia lived in the heart of the city, and Andrew lived in the suburbs with his two young boys, a ninety-minute drive away, near the boys’ school and their mother. Between regular visits to Andrew and her work trips, Georgia was rarely home more than two days in a row. She was also having a flare up of an autoimmune disease she had wrestled with since her late teens. Her sleep, her eating, her yoga practice, and her inner equilibrium all began to slip.
The truth was that Georgia needed to stop traveling so much. She wanted to cozy up in her own home for even a week at a stretch, and just exhale. But in even thinking about bringing this up to Andrew, she nearly stopped breathing. She felt ungrateful, unaccommodating, and potentially unlovable.
“I felt a moment of wanting to resist and run away from the conversation for fear of finding out that what I wanted just wasn’t possible, and then thought, ‘aha, perhaps this is the very moment to lean in,’” Georgia reported to me after she had walked herself (and Andrew) through the four steps. “We had a really good conversation. And it was a very easy, uneventful conversation. Actually it was very eventful but only in the very best ways — I didn’t die.” She smiled. “And I actually felt heard and supported.”
What you may not yet know, and what Georgia learned in her conversation — and in hundreds of subsequent conversations — is that the sound of a truth, expressed within a field of appreciation and without blame, shame, expectation, or proving yourself worthy, more often than not will perk up the inner ears of your listeners and call into being (and into action) a noble and resourceful part of them. Letting your listeners know what you value about them will let them know they need not brace for an attack but can instead open up to hear what you have to say. Expressed cleanly and powerfully, a deep desire will show its true face: a catalyst for goodness, growth, learning, and light — often for everyone involved.
In Georgia’s inaugural conversation, for example, Andrew got to learn how to talk about things that he, too, used to sweep under the rug. He got to stretch into the kind of man he knew himself to be. Andrew’s ex-wife got a clearer co-parent to coordinate with. Andrew and his kids got a more relaxed and healthy Georgia. Georgia got to exhale — and re-oxygenate herself with a more pleasurable, embodied, healthy daily life. And I got a client who no longer felt damned or dammed up.
As Georgia put it, “I felt, for possibly the first time in my romantic relationships, that what I want and need to be happy is important. My partner is curious about what that is and willing to be creative to make it happen.” Expressing herself had always felt to Georgia as though she were in a tiny boat in a huge ocean without a paddle to help maneuver. She says, “Now the water is still vast, the storms still come, the waves still rock me, but now I have oars.”
So as you let loose your truths and allow them to flow, here in the form of a practice are my four suggested steps for letting your voice out.
SPEAKING-UP PRACTICE KNOW WHAT I WOULD LOVE?
Although you can apply this practice to speaking to larger groups, it is ideally suited to more intimate conversations with friends and partners.
1 First step, remind yourself of these positive presumptions about yourself and your desires:
• First of all, I really love my deep desires. I am a Genius for excavating them. I have an awesome Pandora’s box.
• I have a direct line to the Divine, and I need to give the mic to my Oracle to share what is asking to be said as me and through me.
• I know that my needs are better out than in (and that they can fester when locked away inside). I can’t wait to share these gems with my listeners and for these gems to be out in the light of day.
• I understand that no matter the response I receive, I am worthy, deserving of the best, and wholly lovable.
• I believe that my truth will likely change things for the better for myself as well as for my listeners, as is its nature.
2 Second step, remind yourself of these positive presumptions about your listeners.
• I presume that my listeners want very much to hear my truth.
• I assume that my listeners want me to have what I need and want, if not help me to get what I need and want.
• I assert that I can trust my listeners, and that it is safe to share with my listeners.
3 Third step, broadcast a field of appreciation, and lay it on thick to your listeners as well as yourself.
(Heck, why not enjoy yourself and your listeners, as long as it is not wildly inappropriate for you to flirt so.)
I heartily suggest verbally sharing something you appreciate about your listeners as a positive preamble to your speaking up.
4 Fourth step, speak up! Start with the prompt, “Know what I would love?” and follow it with your request, need, want, truth, or deep desire.
As you ask the question of yourself and your listener, imagine speaking from your Oracle. Even just thinking of your Oracle while you are voicing the question will put a twinkle in your eye and intrigue in your voice.
For more formal situations, feel free to adjust your language. If you don’t follow the letter of the law, you can still tap into the spirit of the law. For my client Astrid, who is a psychologist in the United States Navy, it isn’t appropriate to start a meeting with her superior officer with, “Know what I would love?” But, connecting to what is important to her about the issue, and speaking up from there, is not only appropriate, it is vital to the powerful expression of her needs, as well as those of her patients and her workplace.
When a woman tells the truth, she creates the possibility for more truth around her.
ADRIENNE RICH
Can I give you insurance that this practice will work smoothly and effortlessly, every time? Truthfully, no. But to riff on a 12-step saying, I can promise that it works the more you work it. However, it is possible that even after all this, your listeners may still meet your expression with resistance, confusion, or suspicion. Your friend or partner may still say no to your request. This is not a failure or a disaster. Rather, just as you lifted the lid of the Pandora’s box of a desire and inquired within (back in chapter 14), do the same with that no and get curious about their resistance, confusion, or suspicion. Dignify their hesitations, but explore them further.
As Georgia puts it, “What I’m learning about speaking my truth and asking for what I desire/want/need/long for is that their first response is not necessarily always (or often) their ultimate response. Or any real reflection on me. I’m noticing that there’s often an initial reaction and then a subsequent response that represents some movement toward meeting the need/desire I’d expressed — not always in the way I envisioned, but sometimes even better. And just the movement toward meeting me and hearing me — and the willingness it represents — are meaningful to me.” Even a no can help get you to a useful and truthful place.
In my experience, there is wisdom buried inside any no. Almost always, a set of important beliefs, fears, worries, and insights lies just underneath that no, and inquiring into your listener’s concerns will not only reveal the wisdom there, but will also bring more intimacy, trust, and connection between you.
Georgia used to believe that her needs — like boundaries, sufficient sleep, and a spacious schedule — were self-indulgent luxuries for sissies who just couldn’t take the heat. They were optional but certainly not essential. Now she sees them as markers of self-love, integrity, and grace. And she sees them as personal non-negotiables if she wants to show up in her life as the fullest version of herself. And Georgia no longer feels that what she has to say is crazy. She now knows that keeping it inside will make her feel insane.
I used to believe that just by opening my mouth I might confuse or repel, whether one listener or a thousand. Now I know, as you know, that there are really only two things you have control over: the quality of your awareness and to what you direct your awareness. You may not be able to control how a single person or a larger group will respond to what you share, but you can still appreciate them, enjoy yourself, wade into the river of your power, and let your voice come on out.
I now know, as you have come to know, that your voice is infused with the voice of the Sacred. That the stream of power that you sink into to find the nugget of your truth is the same stream of power that God herself uses to make the world go round. And that what you have to offer to the world is the answer to someone’s prayer.
No, I am not having messianic delusions of grandeur. I am simply willing to tell the truth that you are — like we each are — an admittedly flawed, definitely enthusiastic, and always humble mouthpiece for Feminine Genius to have a word with the world. How else will new things come to be, if not through you? Your voice is yet one more way to let your power flow.
speaking up is golden
we can’t wait to hear what you have to say
LETTING OTHER WOMEN IN
Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher.
OPRAH WINFREY
But, let’s be honest. How easy is it to let comparison with — and mistrust of — another woman shut you down? Too easy, unfortunately.
Let me pause for a second and open the door to a dark, dusty closet, full of female skeletons, and beam the light of a flashlight inside. As you read the stories in this book, did you notice yourself shriveling as those women’s stories loomed large? Did you feel jealous or judgmental? Did you say, “That might work for her, but not for poor old me?” As you get busy cultivating your light, you might pass through some shadow. The long and lethal competition between women is one of those dark underbellies indeed.
It is only fairly recently that a woman can make her own money, have a credit card in her own name, choose whether or not to marry or have children, and self-determine her life path. But for the thousands of years before now, if another woman was more desirable than you — via her beauty, family status, or dowry — she would get the house, husband, family, money, security, health, and esteem — and you could truly get nada. Your very life depended on men, and upon being better than other women in order to gain favor with men. To this day, the amount of energy a woman expends comparing herself to, shrinking around, and trying to beat out other women is astounding. And yet, if you cannot plug those energy leaks, you can never come into your own full power.
Fiercely feminist and a genius with the written word, Amelia is, in my opinion, the slightly Goth reincarnation of Gertrude Stein. Amelia joined my group mentorship program in order to come back home to her body, love her curves, and cultivate authentic friendships and relationships.
With a father who called her body “grotesque,” and a mother who instilled crippling doubt in her skills, appetites, desires, and goals, Amelia got the message early on that everything she wanted was bad for her, and that she never achieved enough. She didn’t trust her physical abilities or impulses one bit, and felt awkward, ugly, and ungainly. By age thirty-eight, when we met, her feelings of discomfort with herself — and her sense of being inferior to other women — had never left her.
Lacking encouraging role models among other women, Amelia assumed that what she did or thought might be attacked by those whose approval she wanted most. Her fear of herself and of others manifested as a phobia of falling. She lived in her head, and her body felt like a punishment. She closed herself up tight.
On our first weekend retreat, the group devised an experience for Amelia, where she was instructed into a “trust fall,” falling backward into the waiting arms of ten other women. She nearly refused, not believing that the group could really hold her weight. But fall she did, and was caught fairly easily by ten pairs of arms. Being held up by a willing circle of sisters reverberated with meaning for Amelia, physically as well as metaphysically.
On our break, Amelia went down to a nearby river with a few of the other women from the retreat — women she might have seen as untouchable rivals in the past — to digest the profound shift that had happened for her. To her surprise, she climbed over the river rocks, the only time in her life where she felt sure-footed when crossing rough terrain. Her compatriots showered her with love and cheered her on. “Handholds and footholds opened up before my eyes. The world around me, my Mother Earth, caught me. I had new sisters to encourage me, and I felt strong,” she explained to me later.
Amelia went on: “I feel now as though, literally and metaphorically, I will not fall. I feared being ‘dropped,’ abandoned, stepped over, and laughed at. Before, my body would have failed me. I would have been terrified, fallen, and hurt myself on those rocks. I feel now that because of these women, my goddess sisters, I can trust my deep ‘feminine,’ I can experience my body with joy instead of fear, and the world will catch me.” Through the steadfast support of a group of novice Feminine Geniuses, Amelia got to experience her body as trustworthy and other women as trustworthy. This is also in store for you, when you want it.
Amelia was able to rewrite, as you will, too, her personal act 1 and a piece of our collective history of seeing other women as critics and adversaries. Amelia was able to see, as you will, too, that women who feel powerful in their own right (and who are not waiting for a culture to provide it or partner to prove it), need not compete with each other. You will see, as I have seen over fourteen beautiful years, that women who are at ease with their Oracles, at peace with Eros, and lit up with pleasure, become naturally generous and committed to everyone rising, together.
You can absolutely learn to see women as co-conspirators rather than the competition, each as yet another dazzling expression of the Feminine Divine rather than a threat to your livelihood, lovability, and value. When you let parts of yourself out, and let parts of them in, you un-dam your power.
Looked at it one way, the rivalry between women is kind of absurd. If I told you that a rose was turning green with envy of an orchid, you would probably think it ridiculous. “But, look,” the rose would insist. “Just look at her plummy purple folds! She can subsist merely on mist alone. Orchids are so much more popular in bouquets these days. Roses are so passé. If I could only be more like an orchid.”
“Silly rose,” you’d reply. “Look at you. Really, look. You are gorgeous. Your scarlet whorls and delicate scent, your suit of velvet, studded with thorns . . . so mysterious! You are the symbol of the Divine Feminine, didn’t you know? A rose, an orchid, a daisy; we need the variety like we need our next breath. The life-force that runs through the orchid runs through the rose; it animates all flowers, without exception.” When you choose to see yourself and other women as the Divine Feminine sees every woman, every flowery face of the feminine must be revered, without exception.
My years of working with women have confirmed for me that, given a chance, a fellow Feminine Genius will not play power games with you but will delight in coaxing out your true power. She will not try to take you down a notch, but will get off by helping you burn brighter.
So then, it is vital that you consciously surround yourself with as many staggeringly magnificent women as possible, preferably all walking the path of Feminine Genius. You want to be bombarded by examples of self-expression, creativity, health, beauty, family, freedom, partnership, wifedom, business, activism, and friendship in ways you want for yourself as well. When you feel old, ugly, or unsuccessful, you need a sister to hold up a mirror and reflect your brightness. When your flame flickers, you want the torch held by a sister to help re-ignite your own.
Look, feeling jealous, judgmental, or small around other women is normal. It will happen. It might just happen even more as you surround yourself with other Feminine Geniuses. It’s just that the questions you ask yourself must shift from, “Why is she so awesome, and I am so pathetic?” to “How can I get lit off her brilliance?” Here’s a practice to help with that.
SISTERHOOD PRACTICE #1 GETTING LIT OFF ANOTHER WOMAN’S BRILLIANCE
This practice is to help you transform the crappy feelings you might experience when you’re around other women. Instead of shrinking small or proving yourself as grand, this practice will direct you to get your torch re-lit from another woman’s fire.
1 Inquire: What does your version of “She’s so great, and I suck” or “I’m so great, and she sucks” feel like for you? Take note of your physical sensations and emotions, and try to identify what restrictive beliefs go with your feelings.
2 Inquire further: If these feelings and beliefs were inner truth-telling genies — daemons in demon’s clothing — pointing out ways you are dimming your light, what is one way you can brighten?
3 Inquire even further: If these feelings and beliefs were signs to let you know “It is your turn to shine now,” what would be your next step?”
I love this practice for the times when you find yourself surrounded by women who might intimidate you. But what about when you are nowhere near other women and are feeling isolated and alone? There is nothing quite like a band of other women to help you reconnect — to others, to yourself, and to the sacred. My prayer is that if you don’t already have an existing group of like-minded sisters, you find one to join or start one of your own.
My first women’s group lasted three years. It started as a book club with four other women, reading Seductress: Women Who Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love, by Betsy Prioleau. We circled up in each other’s living rooms, to learn about women throughout history who experienced hot sex, epic adventure, wild successes, great careers, love and devotion, and fame and fortune, while defying all stereotypes of how a woman should look, behave, or think. The seductresses we read about weren’t particularly good-looking, rich, or privileged by mainstream standards, but each was really workin’ her unique brand of feminine strengths. We five stole liberally from the seductresses; we not only practiced strutting our stuff, but also learned to listen appreciatively, share vulnerably, be curious, coax out each other’s visions, and see each other as beautiful and capable.
Another incarnation of a woman’s group for me was a feminine version of a mastermind group, affectionately called a “mistressmind,” in which eight women supported each other to employ our feminine values in our businesses and personal lives. Devotedly, for more than four years, we met over weekly phone calls and annual in-person retreats. We saw each other through big life events: companies bought and sold, pregnancies lost and babies’ first steps, failed programs and windfalls, marriages, divorces, and happy singlehood.
Each word of encouragement or piercing insight I have received from women in groups like these takes into account the months and years we have spent together, practicing principles, sharing history, caring for each other, and getting lit off each other’s brilliance. In every in-person program I create, I always group up the participants so they can begin to taste this for themselves, and so they can carry the women’s group format into their lives long after we’ve worked together. (For forming a women’s group yourself, and for forming a book club based on this book, you can find my guidelines at liyanasilver.com/bookresources.)
And if something formalized like a women’s group, mistressmind, or book club isn’t your thing, or isn’t your thing today, you can still start creating a tribe of like-minded sisters simply by having one brave conversation at a time, with one woman at a time. Goddess knows where it will lead you. As Pam, a reader of mine on Facebook puts it, “Whenever one of us shares, and is brave enough to be vulnerable, it gives all of us permission to be just a little bit more so. And that is a treasure.”
You already know how to do it. But to help you dust off your skills, here’s a review.
SISTERHOOD PRACTICE #2 LETTING ANOTHER WOMAN IN
When you reach for an hors d’oeuvre on the same tray, sit next to each other on a playground bench, rub elbows around the water cooler at work, or ride-share after a play — for complete strangers and friends you want to know better — here’s one way to open the door of your heart, connect to a sister, and do your part to dismantle the barriers that have existed for too long between women. Here’s how you help another woman to re-light her torch off your own.
1 Broadcast a field of appreciation.
2 Start by telling this woman something you appreciate about her. Enjoy yourself while you enjoy this other woman.
3 Connect to your Oracle and pan for gold. Open your kimono a bit. Let your voice come out.
Tell her about the ways you have been seeing that you aren’t crazy — it is the world that is nuts.
Ask her what she deeply desires and share your own. Ask her about what it feels like for her when her power is dammed up, and what it feels like for her when her power is flowing. Ask her when she has felt most present. Ask her if she is squirmy or sure-footed when it comes to receiving. Ask what she knows about navigating the dark. Ask how she is doing with cultivating her light.
Don’t worry about saying or asking the wrong thing, just say what is true for you and ask what’s true for her.
4 Listen to her. Continue to enjoy yourself while enjoying this other woman. Let this other women in.
5 Watch what blooms in the rare and hallowed space between you. And notice that things start to look that much brighter.
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
EDITH WHARTON, “Vesalius in Zante”
And yet, the questions may still linger, such as: “Can I really bring my whole self, my true self, my Feminine Genius self to my life? Won’t I bowl people over? Won’t I be asking too much of them? Won’t I be too much to take? Won’t they reject and skewer me? If I let loose my voice, will everyone leave? If I offer myself to the world, will anyone care?”
I have supported women countless times as they decided to leave five-year, fourteen-year, and thirty-year partnerships, and as some of their longtime friendships fell away painfully. And I have likewise supported women as they attracted startlingly synchronistic new friendships, re-devoted themselves to breathing life into their long-term relationships, or realized they actually prefer being single. Feminine Genius is just as likely to urge you to stay, as she is to let you know it’s time to go.
Regardless, 100 percent of the time, each woman who has stopped being someone she is not, and who has started being just who she is, has eventually become a beacon for what I call “right-fitting” friendships and intimate relationships. Each woman who has offered herself fully to the world has found that there is room for more than one powerful woman. In fact, what is needed most is a world full of Feminine Geniuses.
The mistrust between women is timeless, but step-by-step you can transmute competition into collaboration, jealousy into trust, isolation into friendship, and disconnection into an intimate tribe or larger network. You will rise or fall to the company you keep, so it becomes requisite to keep yourself in the company of great women, relating as sisters, keeping each other aflame. Every time you open your heart and your mouth, it sets another woman free to do the same.
I want you to fully embrace the awesome reality that when it comes to living as a Feminine Genius — whether you prefer to lie low or are out there in the public eye — you are becoming a leader and an icon of sorts. You are becoming an agent for change, whether you start with a single friend or your larger community. You are becoming a rare and miraculous sight: a woman who speaks her truth, a brightly burning torch upon which other women can get themselves lit, a woman who will light, lead, and heal our world.
Sister, as we start to come to a close, notice this: you have long since crossed a line in the sand. On that side, fitting in and following the script were your gods. On this side, you are also God, guided by the jubilant and intrepid voice of your Oracle. Coming home to yourself must come first; whom you choose to make home with comes after.
You have long since crossed the line, dear heart, and once you have un-dammed your power and tasted your truth, there is no going back. Your like-kind and the world as you envision it can’t wait to meet you here.
and we are so, so glad you are here