My friend’s new girlfriend

My friend Jared found a girlfriend this summer, and I am so jealous. We’re the two least popular kids in the ninth grade and we’ve always been best friends. But now Jared’s always bragging about his girlfriend and how awesome she is. It makes me feel so pathetic. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, but this girl sounds incredible. Her name is Tiffany Sparkle. She goes to a different school, a modelling academy in New Brunswick. He showed me some pictures of her from magazines, and believe me, she is hot. He met her over the summer, when he was visiting his grandparents in Canada. He saved her life. She was about to get run over by a double-decker bus when all of a sudden Jared skateboarded through traffic and pushed her out of the way. There was a huge crowd of Canadians standing around, and when Jared saved Tiffany’s life everybody just started cheering like crazy. Then she kissed him on the mouth. When I heard that story, I was like “Give me a break!” because it was just about the coolest thing I had ever heard in my entire life! They spent the rest of the summer having sex all over the place in all of the different sex positions. And now they talk every night on the phone.

The amazing thing about this girl is that she isn’t just hot. She also shares a lot of Jared’s interests. She’s totally into Web design and the game Warcraft. And she’s also really shy. For example, when she visited Jared over spring break, she didn’t want to meet me because she was too embarrassed. When I heard that, I was like “Come on!” because that is so like Jared. It’s kind of amazing that they found each other.

There are other similarities too. Like, he showed me a letter she wrote him last week about how she wanted to try out some new kind of sex position, and at first I thought he had written it himself because their handwritings are so similar. Tiffany also has severe bronchial asthma, which is pretty great for Jared, because now he has someone to talk to about that.

The big ninth grade dance is in four days. I asked Jared to set me up with one of Tiffany’s friends from her modelling academy, but he said that everybody there already has a boyfriend. I asked him for advice on how to find a date, but all of his suggestions involved saving girls’ lives. In the end, I decided to just walk up to this girl I like named Laura and ask her point-blank if she wanted to go with me. I was so nervous that my arms and legs were shaking really fast like they do in gym class when the teacher says it’s my turn to lead stretches. But I asked her anyway and she said yes.

I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore. He’s not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.