Jewish Web MD

Welcome to Jewish Web MD, the first online symptom checker operated by and for Jewish people.

Select your symptom from the menu and we will provide an instant diagnosis.

Symptom: Headache

Diagnosis: You have an inoperable brain tumor. There’s no need to see a doctor; he’ll just confirm what you already know.

My God, how could this be happening? Yesterday, everything was fine. You had a good job, you were making decent money, and now this. You’re obviously being punished, but for what?

Symptom: Fatigue

Diagnosis: Remember that hamburger you ate at the office barbecue that tasted a little mushy in the middle? Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because now you have Mad Cow disease.

What kind of God would allow this to happen? Why are we born only to suffer? What kind of sick world is this?

Symptom: Itchy scalp

Diagnosis: So this is how it ends: Morgellon’s Disease. That’s right – the skin disorder you read about on Wikipedia. There’s no hope of survival. All you can do is google search images of “full-blown Morgellon’s,” so you know what to expect.

Symptom: Sore neck

Diagnosis: You have that thing you saw on Discovery Health, the tree bark skin thing. To think, this is probably how you’ll be remembered! This will be your legacy – this nightmarish, dread disease.

Symptom: Runny nose

Diagnosis: You have the disease you saw on House last month, the one that was really crazy, with the face-swelling thing. I know: it’s a bizarre coincidence that you would catch it so soon after having watched an episode on it. And yet, here we are. My God, all of those “concerns” you had last week, about your career and your marriage … how petty they all seem now. If only God would take away this curse, you would do everything differently. You would live for every moment, savor every breath, the cool air, the warm sun, the delicious taste of water. You would stop worrying about the little things and finally start to enjoy yourself.