Translated from the Arabic by Roger Allen
1. The start.
The policeman blew his whistle. At once the morning sun rose and beamed on the city streets a wan sunlight like the planks of an ancient gallows.
At that moment people woke up, sorrowful and with frowning faces.
2. The lost sky.
Two birds alighted on the branch of one of the trees at the roadside. They did not sing to greet the morning sun, but instead exchanged perplexed and worried looks.
“Where shall we fly?” one of them asked the other.
“Our sky is full of planes.”
“The only space left for us is inside cages.”
“We’ll lose our wings.”
“And we’ll forget how to sing.”
The two birds stared up at a black plane traversing the heavens at enormous speed and then exchanged worried glances again. To them the city seemed like a greedy mouth with huge teeth. They swallowed sleeping pills and fell dead to the solid cement pavement below.
3. The prisoners.
Two old men were walking along a city pavement at a deliberate pace and talking morosely:
“This is the end of time.”
“Things are going from bad to worse.”
“It’s time to write the petition.”
“Which petition?”
“The one we must forward to God Almighty.”
“What will we write in this petition?”
“We’ll write as follows: ‘We the undersigned request of the Lord of Creation that he send us an army of angels equipped with the most up-to-date weapons to take up positions on the frontiers and fight the enemy; and not treat us as prisoners.’”
“And what will we do in the event that the petition is not put into effect?”
“Forward yet another petition asking God to agree to our being excused the five daily prayers.”
“And if He doesn’t agree?”
“Oh, He will and He’ll let us off the fast too. He is pitying and merciful!”
4. Vengeance.
A group of children were gathered in the school playground, enthusiastically involved in a new game.
“I’m Tarzan.”
“I’m Antar.”*
“I’m a millionaire.”
“I’m the inventor of the atom bomb.”
“I’m Superman!”
“I’m a policeman.”
“I’m the inventor of the airplane.”
They all pounced on the inventor of the airplane and started slapping, punching, and kicking him while he kept screaming for help.
5. Men.
Praise be to God who created us men; in times of danger we can run forward like the wind and thus avoid being wiped out.
Praise be to God who did not create us women; staying at home we would be burned to death by the enemy bombs just like old socks.
Praise be to God! Praise is due to none but Him!
6. The danger.
An astrologer was asked what the future would bring. “Old and young will be destroyed,” he replied without the slightest hesitation. “Cats, birds, and flowers too. Houses, books, and flags will be burned, as will school chairs and memento photographs. Napalm will eradicate laughter, the Arabic language, and ears of grain. Hospitals will be destroyed, and so will factories and gardens. Women will walk in the streets without their head-to-toe wraps.”
When this prediction was published in a book, those who remained faithful to the homeland agreed to reject what he said would happen to women. They called upon everyone to exert their very utmost efforts to ward off this abominable eventuality.
7. Heaven.
The men who were about to perform the prayer gathered eagerly in a circle around the shaykh of the mosque. “Tell us, Shaykh,” asked one of the men in a shaky voice, “are there planes in Paradise?”
“Planes do not exist in Paradise,” the shaykh replied.
The men all heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank God for that!” they said joyfully.
8. A sermon.
“By God, it wasn’t weakness that made us fail to move against the enemy. Quite the contrary, it was pride, dignity, and self-confidence. We want your petrol, they said. Take our petrol, we replied; we’re the descendants of Hatim al-Ta’i.* Declare all-out war on imported ideas, they demanded. We’re hit-and-run types, we replied, and then proceeded to set up gallows and build prisons.
“They wanted to take control of a city, so we gave them cities and more cities to prove that we could not care less about them. And if they had planes and bombs, well, we had an upright character and heaven-made principles. How vast the distance between what they have and what we have! We are strong because our weapons are spirit and truth, not mere ephemeral materials and fleeting inanities….”
9. A medal for our savior.
The Arabic language has been awarded the highest decoration in our homeland for the way in which it took part in the transformation of a military defeat into a victory. It managed to term the war† a “withdrawal,” the withdrawal then became steadfast resistance, steadfast resistance turned into bravery, and bravery was called victory.
We have defeated the enemy, and we’ll be able to defeat their fifth column too, which seems to be the only element not to appreciate the fighting qualities of the Arabic language.
10. Why?
“What’s the difference between men and animals?” the pupil asked his teacher.
“Animals don’t talk, but people do,” was the teacher’s reply.
The teacher wasn’t lying either. We people who work in radio, television, and the press are the best talkers around.
So to the Creator of the heavens and earth who gave us tongues we offer our grateful thanks. The benefits of talking are innumerable. On the day the enemy attacked us, our talking undertook an honorable role. It faced the enemy courageously, shot down planes, destroyed their tanks, and wiped out their soldiers too.
So how was it that things happened the way they did? How were we defeated when our talking was fighting for us like a hero?
11. Wiping out the poor.
Citizen Sulayman al-Qasim* felt hungry, so he ate newspapers, each one brim full of articles extolling the governmental system and enumerating the obvious good works it had achieved in eliminating poverty.
When he had enough, he gave thanks to God who provides nourishment for His servants and believed profoundly in what the newspapers had said.
12. Radio program.
Announcer: What’s your name, brother?
Young man: Abd al-Mun’im al-Halabi.
Announcer: Are you married?
Young man: No, I’m a bachelor.
Announcer: What’s your job?
Young man: I’m unemployed.
Announcer: Why aren’t you working? Are you rich or don’t you like working?
Young man: No, I’m not rich, and I don’t dislike work. I’ve been looking for work for years.
Announcer: What’s the one wish you would like to see granted?
Young man: To die now.
Announcer: Dear listeners, our brother Abd al-Mun’im al-Halabi is obviously a zealous patriot. As you notice, in longing for death he actually wants to punish himself for not participating in the construction of our developing and ever-advancing society.
13. Children.
A young child asked his mother a question. “What’s the point of having eyes?”
“Eyes were created,” she replied, giving him a cautious, worried look, “for people to look respectfully and lovingly at pictures of the country’s leaders.”
“What about ears then?” the child asked next.
“They’re to listen to official orders and political speeches,” the mother replied with increasing concern.
“And the tongue?” the child asked.
“The tongue is useless apart from helping you swallow food after you have chewed it.”
The child gave a cryptic smile, while his mother started trembling, having given way to a grinding feeling of alarm.
14. The hero.
Television announcer: Would you mind explaining to our viewers, Khalid ibn al-Walid,* how you became a famous hero?
Khalid ibn al-Walid: It’s thanks to Andrews Liver Salts that I became a hero. Every morning, I used to dissolve two spoonfuls of Andrews Liver Salt in water and drink it down. And, as everyone knows, Andrews Liver Salts invigorate the liver, clean out the innards, fortify the body, and stimulate the mind.
15. Love.
Search all you want, Officer. My wife is not a printing press devoting all its energies to disseminating harmful political pamphlets, nor is her laughter an imperialist conspiracy. It simply cannot be explained as a direct criticism of the governmental system; particularly in view of the fact that, before I fell in love with her, I made sure to ask her opinion about the governmental system in our country at the moment. She replied immediately that she was totally in love with it. It was only after that that I allowed my heart to fall in love with this politically conscious citizen of our country.
When we kissed for the first time, we both shuddered with sheer pleasure. It was just as though we were clapping and shouting in a march to support the struggle of the masses.
Tell me, Officer, can you really want a sense of loyalty greater than what we have shown?!
16. The crime.
I am a citizen, no different from any other needy citizen; my clothes are like theirs, my stomach is like theirs, and I am as much afraid as they are.
When the state gave me a job in a factory it owns, I did not realize the value of its gift to me. After only a few months, I asked for a raise in salary, entirely oblivious of the amount of money needed to fight our enemies and in contravention of official orders regarding the need for tightening our belts. I had no idea of the extent of the damage that would afflict the homeland if my request were to be honored. If I had obtained a raise in salary, the state’s money supply would have been depleted; and if that, then there would have been insufficient funds to pay for whisky, women’s clothes, cars, and buildings. And if there were a shortage of whisky, women started getting angry, and cars and buildings were less plush, then history and objective analysis would certainly prove that officialdom’s contentment with the country would dwindle. If that happened, then their morale would flag too, and as a result, their statements, declarations, and speeches would become vapid and boring and wouldn’t scare the enemy anymore. Thus, when I asked for a salary raise, I was actually serving the enemy’s goals and helping their psychological warfare succeed.
I therefore should receive the severest punishment.
Footnote: This sudden awareness that I have developed has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I’ve been taken to the police station. They only questioned me about my suggestions concerning increased production.
17. The authorities.
A policeman leaned his elbows on the river wall. “Hey, river!” he shouted in a gruff tone of voice.
“Who’s calling me?”
“I am.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m a policeman.”
The river waters rippled in fear.
“Unless you want to be banished and spend the rest of your life in exile, you have to give an undertaking not to interfere in politics.”
“But this is my homeland,” the river replied.
“Do you want to be put in jail?” the policeman asked curtly.
Whereupon the river hurriedly carried out the policeman’s wishes by pledging its loyalty and obedience to the authorities.
18. Toward a country that will make tourists happy.
To whom it may concern:
We tawdry human beings who live in narrow, dark alleys wish to request the following:
1. That, in view of the price of clothing, we be allowed to go around naked so that our bodies can get some light and air;
2. That government hospitals undertake to remove without charge our stomachs which bring into our lives so much anxiety, without there being any patriotic rationale for it all;
3. That our heads be cut off, it having been made clear to us that the thing which turns citizens into traitors is the eye which sees, the ear which hears, the tongue which speaks, the mind which thinks, and the mind which doesn’t think.
19. Fetters of the dead.
The story is told of a man who loved a woman, but she refused to marry him. “How can you refuse to marry me,” the man asked in astonishment, “when you’re continually telling me that you love me?”
“I do love you,” the woman protested, “but you belong to a family that doesn’t bury its dead ancestors. How can you expect me to live with you in a house whose rooms are filled with corpses?”
The man pondered for a moment. “You’re right,” he replied. “The dead should be in graves, not in the houses of the living.”
He immediately began digging a deep pit in which to bury his ancestors’ bodies, but the spirits of his ancestors and the enemy bound him with chains and buried him in the pit he had already dug.
The woman wept no tears. She just whetted her man’s sword and waited without despair for his return so that he could fight both the ancestors and the enemy.
20. Suns and moons.
Living cowards are better than dead heroes. So kiss the hand of the person in power, and pray in secret for it to be smashed. If you wish to request a favor from a dog, then address it as “My lord dog.” Always be the first to obey and the last to disobey. He who is not obeyed has no discretion. If speech is of silver, then silence is of gold. Satisfaction is an inexhaustible treasure; the envious can never prevail. So do what you are told and obey the authorities. Those who stick to the right path reach their destination.
21. The young ones laugh.
One day the king saw a number of children playing in a field and laughing merrily. “Why are you all laughing?” he asked.
“I’m laughing,” one of them replied, “because the sky is blue.”
“I’m laughing,” a second replied, “because the trees are green.”
“I’m laughing,” a third replied, “because the birds are flying through the air.”
The king looked at the sky, the birds, and the trees and found that they were not laughing. He came to the conclusion that the children were only laughing to poke fun at the king’s majesty. So he went back to his palace and issued an order forbidding the people of his kingdom to laugh. All the old people obeyed the ruling and stopped laughing, but the young children paid no attention to the king’s edict and carried on laughing because the trees were green, the sky was blue, and the birds kept on flying.
22. Bribery.
The men of the district convened a meeting to talk about religion and the world. A man with a white beard was the first to speak. “The only reason why the enemy defeated us,” he began in an admonitory tone of voice, “was that we have strayed far from our true religion. You should realize that the defeat was both a punishment and a warning: a punishment for the sins you have committed, and a warning of a future that will be filled with sufferings and disasters.”
“What are we to do then?” shouted one of the men of the district. “Give us your counsel.”
“You should return to your religion,” the bearded man replied, “full of regret and penitence and beseeching forgiveness and a felicitous outcome.”
“But we pray and fast,” the man went on, “we do no harm to anyone and we mention the name of God morning and evening.”
“What you are doing is not enough,” the bearded man replied. “You must build a mosque where the word of God will reach upward.”
“But it takes a lot of money to build a mosque, and we are poor.”
“Woe upon you!” the bearded man replied impetuously. “How can you use all these feeble excuses to claim that you can’t build a mosque when you squander all the money you earn on ephemeralities?! Woe betide the person who prefers the trivialities of this world to the contentment of God.”
The men lowered their heads in shame.
So the people of the district went hungry for a long time, but they managed to build a mosque with a minaret that looked like a spear jutting angrily into the sky, as though it were about to be launched into the sky to bring down enemy planes.
23. Investigation.
“No lying now!” said the detective to the baby in the cradle. “Tell us everything you know about your companions.”
The baby did not reply.
The detective became very angry.
“How dare you refuse to reply?” he asked in a furious tone.
The baby started crying. The detective now became even more annoyed and gave orders for his men to be summoned. They came in at once, carrying whips and nighttime devoid of stars.
24. The will.
The old man was close to death and a number of his grieving sons and relatives were gathered around him. With exhausted eyes he looked at their wan faces and tattered clothing. “I am going to die,” he told them in a low, quavering, and apologetic voice, “without bequeathing you anything of use.”
He was about to carry on speaking, but suddenly an overwhelming sense of exhaustion came over him and he had to stop. Panting and shaking, he closed his eyes. Eventually he mustered enough energy to continue. “Life’s very curious, my sons and grandsons,” he said. “So just do everything you can which is evil and scandalous. Cause havoc in the land. Never tell the truth, even if the hangman’s noose is about to lop off your head. Lie. Suck up to the rich and holders of high office. Fawn upon the trivial, the paltry, the hollow, and the laughable. It’s for them that the future looks bright, not for anyone else. Applaud the up-and-coming new arrival, and curse the one on the way out. Get drunk. Never pray or fast. Don’t be nice to anyone. Be left and right, be east and west. Despise books. The smile of officialdom is worth more than a thousand books. Attack the wretched weakling, and sleep the sleep of the humble at the threshold of the rich and powerful. Eulogize those who don’t deserve it, clap in delight when dogs bark, and beat on drums so that the nightingales’ singing cannot be heard.”
The dying old man gave way to a violent burst of anger and tried desperately to shout what it was he wanted to say. But at that moment death came, and the old man, bursting at the seams with rancor and regret, fell silent.
25. The end.
“As I have told you before,” said the teacher to his young pupils, “the year is divided into four seasons. What are they?”
“Fall,” the pupils shouted.
“In fall,” the teacher said, “the leaves on the trees turn yellow, the earth is plowed, and the clouds come.”
Fall came, and the leaves on the trees did turn yellow. They fell to the ground to cover the corpses of those who died in the war and were not buried in graves.
“Winter,” the pupils shouted.
“In winter,” the teacher said, “the rain comes down and waters the soil.”
Winter came, and lo, the debris from our planes and the corpses of our innocent dead were the seeds in the soil on which the plenteous rains fell from the heavens.
“Spring,” the pupils shouted.
“In spring,” the teacher said, “the color green is to be seen everywhere.”
Spring came, and the ground was covered with green grass and flowers, but mothers and cities continued to wear the black color of mourning.
“Summer,” the pupils shouted.
“Summer,” the teacher said, “is harvest time.”
Summer came, but the earth did not produce any ears of wheat. Instead it produced new planes and men longing to die a second time.
26. The end.
A man plunged the blade of his dagger into the soil right up to the hilt in a gesture of revenge, and then put his ear to the ground. “The earth’s crying!” he yelled in amazement.
He put his ear to the ground again. “It’s dead!” he shouted in a voice laden with joy.
When he put his ear to the ground a third time, all he could hear was the sound of army boots pounding the earth rhythmically.